“I don’t want things to be awkward between us,” she said.
He almost laughed. Awkward? That was what she called this? Forgetting someone’s name was awkward. This was hell.
“If you want, you can get started checking the horses’ tack. I’ll start rounding everyone up.” He took a step toward the lake, the need to leave overwhelming him.
She caught him with her hand. She made him feel like the earth was tilting sideways, and Colby desperately tried to hang on to something, anything, but not her hand. That he couldn’t do. He tried to pull away. She wouldn’t let him.
“I can’t be angry with you anymore.” In her eyes he saw a sadness as deep as the ocean. “Last night I was frustrated. Hurt that you wouldn’t open up to me. I know what you went through was terrible, and I’m sorry I brought it up.”
He wanted to jerk away, or to yell at the top of his lungs, maybe jump on the back of a horse and ride until the wind caught his tears and his mind went numb.
“You were right, though.” He’d wanted her to stay away, had used the tension between them as a barrier, but he didn’t like it, either, he admitted. In that moment he realized Jayden had become his friend. He’d missed her companionship today.
She dropped his hand. He inhaled like a man atop the highest of peaks, as if oxygen was scarce and it was all he could do to gasp in enough air to survive.
“I’m messed up, Jayden.” He hated the way her eyes grew big and the way her lips began to tremble. “I tried to open up to you. I really did. That night. In my room. I wanted to let go, but I just...couldn’t.”
“It’s okay.” She reached for his hand again. He stepped back, and he saw pain flow into her eyes. “I realize that now, Colby. I’m sorry I got upset.”
“Don’t apologize.” He could take anything but that.
“I stormed out and I shouldn’t have.”
“And I should have never let things get so out of hand.”
Her chin tipped up. “It takes two to tango.”
“And two people who care for each other to make things work.”
It was her turn to draw back. “What do you mean?”
“I can’t do it, Jayden. Last night I was thinking I could let it all go, that I could take that next step, but I can’t. My feelings for you just aren’t that deep.”
Lies.
Because he loved her; the realization hit him with the force of a baseball bat. That was why he stood in front of her now, why he held still as he watched her eyes fill with tears and why it hurt him to hear the sigh of pain she released. He loved her, but he couldn’t be with her because he would hurt her in the end.
“There’s chemistry between us. That I won’t deny. But more than that? Nah.” He shook his head. “There’s nothing there. That’s why I stopped. My job’s too important to risk a quick fling.”
She searched his eyes. “You’re lying.”
It took every ounce of his strength to keep the truth out of his eyes. He loved her so much that he would sacrifice his own happiness for her own.
“I’m just trying to keep it real,” he said.
He saw her tip her chin up, saw the faint stain of anger color her cheeks. He’d hurt her and now she was angry and he didn’t blame her.
“I’ll go tell the guests we’re getting ready to leave,” he said.
Because he needed to escape, had to step away from her before he did something completely unconscionable, like pull her into his arms and tell her everything would be okay. With him, nothing would be okay. History had proved that fact.
* * *
“Are you sure?”
Jax Stone stared at her from across the expanse of his desk, concern in his eyes. His dog Tramp lifted his head, peering at the two humans as if sensing the tension between them, too.
“I don’t really feel as if I have a choice,” Jayden admitted, trying hard not to let her emotions get the better of her. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I really didn’t. But it will be too hard to work with him now that it has.”
He studied her in that quiet way of his. “Would it help to tell you that I already knew about you and Colby?”
His words were like being jabbed with a stick. “What?”
“Derrick saw you leaving his room. I talked to Colby about it this morning. He reassured me there was nothing between you two.”
“There isn’t. Well, there is, or there was, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. I don’t think I can work with him now.” She sounded hoarse even to her own ears. “I have a friend from school, someone who grew up on a ranch. Her name’s Chandra, and she’d be perfect for my job. And I’d train her so it wouldn’t feel as if you were starting over from scratch. It shouldn’t take me long. I picked up on things pretty quickly here, so maybe I wouldn’t have to work the entire two weeks.”
She stared at the piece of paper she’d slid across the desk earlier. Her hastily scribbled notice of resignation. It was like a white beacon on his desk. A caution sign for what could go wrong in your life if you let your foolish fantasies get in the way of reality.
“Forgive me if this seems like prying,” Jax said softly. “But do you have feelings for him? Deep feelings?”
She tipped her chin up, wanting her boss to know that she held him no ill will. “No.” Deep breath. You can hold it together. “Well, maybe a little.”
He shook his head. “Then let me give this back to you.” He slid the paper in her direction. “I told Colby we could work this out. If you have feelings for each other, I’d be the last person in the world to get in the way of that. My own wife worked for me before we married.”
“He doesn’t have feelings for me. That’s the problem.”
Her voice sounded strangled, and she realized it was because tears hung on the edge of her lashes. She was about to completely lose it in front of her boss.
“So you feel the best way to handle the matter is to leave?”
Why did it sound so cowardly when he put it that way?
“I just think it’s the smart thing to do.” Because being near Colby was too hard. Somehow, she’d lost control of her life, and she needed to get it back.
She had to get it back.
This was exactly the type of situation her dad had predicted would happen to her. She refused to live up to his expectations. Or maybe down.
So her hands clenched in her lap. Jax studied her in the same way a cop would probably study a teenager who’d just been pulled over for speeding. She tried not to grow uncomfortable under that stare.
“I guess there’s not much to say, then.” He made a steeple with his hands, the light from the window to her right catching the strands of his hair and making them look more gray than they really were. “Aside from the fact that we will miss you and that I really wish I could change your mind.”
Her breaths came faster and faster as she fought to hold it together. “Thank you.” Her fingernails dug into her jeans. “I’ve really enjoyed working here.”
“But do you mind if I make a suggestion?”
She froze.
“I think we should hold off on telling Colby. At least for a few days while I vet that friend of yours. Plus, it gives you a day or two to think things over.”
“That would be fine.” She wasn’t going to change her mind. But waiting to tell Colby gave her a few days to steel her resolve against the inevitable objections Colby would raise. It would be just like him to volunteer to leave instead of her, and she didn’t want that. Colby was as much a part of this ranch as her boss and his family and all the horses and everything she’d come to admire over the past few weeks.
“Jayden, I hope you don’t mind me saying, but I think you’re making a mistake.”
Her legs had started to shake. It took a few deep breaths to inject some willpower into her spine, but the kindness in his eyes nearly undid
the lead line on her control.
“I’m not going to pretend that I have any right to weigh in on your life choices. In fact, I’m probably breaking some kind of employer code of ethics by saying this, but I think you and Colby should try to work things out. I don’t know what happened. It’s none of my business, but I think of Colby like a younger brother. And I look at you and I can’t help but think how perfect you two are for each other. I know he’s got some baggage, but if I’m not mistaken, I think you have some, too. I think that’s why you’re quitting. You’re afraid of making the same mistake twice. Take it from me. Don’t make big life decisions based on fear.”
How did he know that?
She stood sharply, had to because if she didn’t, she’d start bawling. She wouldn’t do that. It’d be the final humiliation. Darn it all. Even her boss’s dog seemed to stare up at her in concern.
“Thank you for everything, Jax. And if you don’t mind, can you let me know before you tell Colby? I’m sure he’ll have some choice words for me, and I’d like time to prepare.”
“He won’t.” Jax stood, too. “I’ll make sure he respects your decision, and that will include keeping his opinions to himself.”
“Thank you,” she said through a throat gone thick with unshed tears. She couldn’t get to the office door fast enough.
“Jayden.”
She couldn’t turn and face him, though. As if tethered by the chair she’d sat in, her tears had started to fall.
“Promise me you’ll think about what I said.”
She nodded. But there was nothing to say. Not really. She’d made her bed, so to speak; now she had to lie in it.
But as she walked to her car she vowed she would never, ever lose control of her emotions again.
Chapter 19
It was hell.
Colby’s hand clenched the saddle he removed from Zippy’s back, the big sorrel turning his head to look at him as if silently asking, “What’s wrong?”
What was wrong?
His whole damn life. Jayden had been nothing but kind over the past forty-eight hours. Impersonal, but kind. She could barely look at him, and who could blame her? He’d cut her off at the knees, and not for the reason she thought. He’d done it out of self-preservation.
Coward.
It’d taken him exactly twenty-four hours after they’d gotten back from the trail ride to realize she was right. He hadn’t denied his feelings for her out of some kind of misplaced professionalism, but because he was scared. Bone-deep, gut-twisting, falling-off-a-cliff scared.
“If that’s all for the day, I think I’m going to go.” Her voice was soft, courteous, professional. “Derrick said he’d help you feed once he was done mucking.”
Her voice came from his left; the saddle was hanging like dead weight in his arms, his inability to face her one of the many cowardly traits he’d come down with this week.
“Great. Thanks for all your hard work.” He’d used the same impersonal tone. Derrick was around somewhere and he knew he might be listening to every word.
He had no idea if she nodded or smiled or even waved goodbye. All he heard was the retreat of her booted feet down the barn aisle. He hefted the saddle again, resting the pommel on his hips so he’d have a free hand to grab the bridle that hung on a peg to his left.
He nearly dropped it when he ducked under the cross ties.
“Son of—”
“You okay?” Derrick called from inside one of the stalls.
“Fine, fine.”
Her car started out front, and then it kicked up gravel as she put the vehicle in Reverse. But she didn’t drive off in a hurry. That was the way she’d been all week. Careful. Measured. Distant.
And it made his stomach roll. Yeah. He cared for her. Cared for her too much.
Zippy’s food was already in his feeder thanks to Jayden’s hard work. He’d closed the stall door when he heard a vehicle arrive. Whoever it was, he’d find out soon enough. Colby continued going through and spot-checking all the horses in his care. They were all bedded down in ankle-deep shavings. More of Jayden’s handiwork.
A door slammed.
Probably Jax. His boss had said he’d wanted to talk to him about something. Had asked him to stop by later. Back to their regularly scheduled programming of meeting in the evenings. He turned toward the opening at the end of the barn aisle.
And froze.
It was as if every speck of air had been sucked from the building. As if day had suddenly turned to night, and his world had been tipped end over end.
“Hello, son.”
It had been five years since he’d last seen the man. Five years since Liz had come to him, crying, confessing her sins, and then committing an even greater transgression by admitting she’d fallen in love with his dad. The sight of him standing there shot emotions through Colby he hadn’t even known he’d had.
His rage culminated in two words. “Get out.”
“Colby, please.”
How the hell had he found him? Jax? He didn’t think his boss would betray him. It wasn’t his style, which meant his dad had tracked him down, and he supposed that shouldn’t be a surprise. He had more money than God.
“You look good, son.”
“I said, get out.” He kept his words low, mindful of Derrick’s presence.
His dad took another step closer. Colby held out a hand. “Stop.”
“Would it surprise you to know I’ve been checking up on you for years?”
No, that didn’t surprise him. Deep inside, in those rare moments when he allowed himself to think about the man he’d once loved, he’d wondered if his dad would do that.
“I don’t care what you’ve been doing with your time, least of all now that I’ve settled into my own life, away from you. You’re dead to me. I told you that on the day you and Liz admitted what’d been going on.”
His dad came forward despite his protestations. Age had not been kind to him, Colby realized. A face that had once been so much like his own had been grooved by the hand of time, or maybe the guilt of living with what he’d done to his only son. Colby didn’t know, didn’t care. His hair was completely gray now. And the man who’d once stood so tall seemed shorter somehow. Or maybe that was Colby’s perception of the man who’d once seemed larger than life, but who’d been reduced to someone petty and small.
“Liz is no longer in my life.”
“So I heard. Too bad. You two were perfect for each other.”
His dad took yet another step. He still dressed the same. Tailored pants, off-white polo shirt. Custom loafers. Same gold watch. Same blue eyes. Colby had always wondered what he would do if he came face-to-face with the man. He admitted then he didn’t care enough to feel anything but rage.
“I deserve that.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “There’s nothing I can say to defend my actions other than I had a lot on my plate back then.”
“Oh, spare me the sob story, Dad.” The coals of his fury flared to life. “I’d just been medically discharged. I could barely walk. I’d been in the worse firefight of my life. And I was reeling from the pain of losing men I loved like brothers. I’d thought I could recover in the one place in the world where I felt safe, and what did you and Liz do?”
The veins in his dad’s eyes had begun to redden, and Colby stared at him in shock. The only time he’d seen the man cry was when Colby’s mom died.
“I’m sorry, son. I came here to say that to you. Finally. That’s all. I’m sorry. I regret what happened more than you could know.”
The words had come out sounding thick with tears. Crocodile tears? Colby didn’t know, still didn’t care. The wound his father had inflicted on him was still too deep. Unforgivable, really.
“Please leave.”
His dad took one more step. They were only a few feet away from each other
now, close enough that Colby could see the tiny lines around his lips. The hollows beneath his eyes. The ravages of a guilty conscience. Well, good. Served him right. His dad had always prided himself on looking younger than his years. Not anymore.
“I’d like you to move back to Texas.”
Of all the...
“You just don’t get it, do you?” Colby snapped. “I told you years ago, I’m done with that life. Done with you. Done with it all.”
He swung around, heading God knew where because he just wanted to get away from the man who’d broken his heart all those years ago.
“Son.” His dad swung him around. Colby balled his fist. But the tears in his dad’s eyes stopped him. It hit him then. The man he had once loved and so admired was a broken man. All the wealth in the world hadn’t made him happy. It was a lesson Colby had learned overseas. The true joys in life came from the people you surrounded yourself with, not money. Never money.
And then he’d let his buddies die.
He took a step back, sucked in a breath. This wasn’t about him. This was about the man who called himself a father and was anything but.
“I feel sorry for you, Dad.” And he did. He’d come all the way to California to make his amends. Only now did his dad realize some things just couldn’t be forgiven. “Go back to Texas. I’m happy where I’m at.”
Was he, though? The question seemed whispered like the sigh of the wind, blowing around, swiping at the cobwebs in his mind. Was he truly happy?
“Colby, please.”
He kept walking, his mind reeling from it all. But then he stopped, slowly turned.
“I don’t hate you, Dad. I just don’t care.”
Because it was impossible for him to care. He swung away again because he didn’t want his dad to see his face crumple. He’d tucked away his heart, put it in a place where even someone like Jayden couldn’t reach it.
“I’ll leave my number with your boss.”
“I already have it.” He paused at the base of the stairs that led to his office and apartment. “For what it’s worth, I accept your apology.”
Home on the Ranch: Her Cowboy Hero Page 16
