Friend Locked (Salt Lake Pumas)

by Camellia Tate

  “Kind of,” I answered. “I mean, I’ve tried to make sure she does. Obviously, the gym is there for her to use, but I don’t think that’s her favorite at the moment. I got her some books from her apartment. Also, I brought the PS upstairs and got her games she likes.”

  I’d tried to make sure Jessie was entertained while I was out, but it wasn’t the same as being able to just go out, I got that. “I can’t make her able to dance,” I told mom a little sadly. I hated to even imagine what it’d be like if I couldn’t play hockey, so of course I didn’t want Jessie to feel even remotely similar.

  “No, sweetheart,” mom agreed, sounding almost as sad as I felt. “But Jessie doesn’t expect you to be able to do that,” she added. “So when she’s sad about not dancing, it’s not at you. You know that, don’t you?”

  I nodded. As much as it sucked to see Jessie miserable, I did know that it wasn’t my fault. The video games had helped, especially once I’d introduced Jessie to some of the less competitive ones that she could play on her own while I was out.

  “Are you both still looking forward to Christmas?” It was a transparent ploy to change the subject, a way of mom diverting me from just feeling sorry for Jessie all morning.

  But, it was pretty successful.

  “Yeah, I really am!” I answered, the excitement in my voice genuine. I was looking forward to having all of my family here for Christmas. Hosting my first ever family Christmas felt very adult, after all!

  I told mom that I was already planning what to cook and where to seat everyone. “I know it’s going to feel stressful on the day, but I’m looking forward to it anyway. Are you excited to have your child host you for Christmas?” I teased. “I’m beating both Paisley and Harley!” Which, obviously, was half the point of doing it. Unless I fucked up.

  “Of course I am,” she agreed, grinning at me as I finished my cooking. “But I’ll be just as excited about Paisley and Harley’s first Christmases.” She had to say that, of course, otherwise it would be favoritism.

  As long as I still got points for being first, I didn’t really mind that mom would one day be excited to spend Christmas at my siblings’ houses. “I just hope you won’t find it too stressful,” Mom added. “I know how busy you are this time of year.”

  Sure, that was true, but Christmas happened to everyone. Besides, I would have Jessie to help me, she’d already promised. But I didn’t want the conversation to circle back to Jessie, lest mom had some more probing questions. So instead, I just agreed, promised her that I wouldn’t strain myself too much.

  The rest of the conversation turned to chatting about my siblings and what they were up to, which was easy enough. I heard Jessie start on her walk down the stairs long before she was done, so I told mom I had to go.

  “Morning!” I greeted, maybe a touch too energetically when Jessie wobbled into the kitchen, followed by a string of dogs.

  She smiled, making grabby hands for the coffee, which I poured for her. “Morning.” Her voice was soft, and still a little sleepy. I had to make a conscious effort not to picture her warm body curled into my arms.

  “Was that your mom’s voice I heard?” she asked, propping herself up on one of the stools. “I don’t know how you can answer the phone this early in the morning!”

  “I’m very skilled,” I informed Jessie, wiggling my eyebrows at her. “But yes, it was my mom. She says hi, of course. We talked about Christmas and stuff. She says I’m her favorite because I’m the first child to host Christmas,” I lied. Jessie knew it too, if the skeptical look was anything to go by.

  Laughing, I went about dishing up our breakfast. A few eggs and some toast for Jessie and a lot more eggs for me. “Did you, um, sleep okay?” I asked, reaching for my coffee to hide the way my voice sounded a little uncertain at the question.

  A touch of pink flushed Jessie’s cheeks. Or at least, I thought it did before I sharply turned my head away. I’d been hoping Jessie hadn’t noticed that we’d shared her bed for most of the night, and I didn’t want to linger on any evidence that it might not be so.

  “Yeah,” Jessie answered, hiding her face behind her own cup of coffee. “I don’t… remember falling asleep, really. Or turning the TV off or anything.” She glanced up at me, something almost shy about the movement. “I guess you must have snuck out not to wake me?”

  Well, that wasn’t inaccurate to what had happened.

  It just hadn’t happened straight away, which I assumed was what Jessie meant.

  Ugh. How had this conversation happened? Oh, that’s right, I’d started it.

  “Yeah,” I finally said because it wasn’t a lie. Still, a nagging feeling at the back of my throat reminded me that I wasn’t being fully honest either. “I think we both dozed off,” I finally offered. “We’ll have to rewatch that last episode.”

  For a moment, Jessie didn’t say anything. It made me almost nervous, wondering whether she was going to call me out. Maybe ask me to be more careful about falling asleep in her bed. After all, it had been my fault, not hers.

  “Yeah, definitely,” she said, startling me out of my thoughts. “I have no idea what happened toward the end.” Right, the show we’d been watching. Well, rewatching it wouldn’t be a bad thing. “Did you sleep okay?” Jessie asked. “I mean, it didn’t disturb you, getting up in the middle of the night and having to get back to sleep?”

  “No,” I answered before I could even think about it. I mean, that was true. It hadn’t disturbed me... because I hadn’t left in the middle of the night. This time, though, I did feel bad about it. Like I was actively lying to Jessie. But the truth seemed somehow more daunting.

  “But yeah, I slept well.” That wasn’t a lie. If anything, now that I thought about it, it was some of the best night’s sleep I’d had in a while. I was probably reading a bit too much into it. It was just an accident. We’d fallen asleep together by accident. It didn’t mean anything.

  If we stayed on this topic, the danger of saying too much was definitely real.

  So instead, I changed the topic, asking Jessie about her plans for the day, telling her how my mom worried she didn’t have enough to do, anything to distract myself from thinking about how good Jessie’s shampoo had smelled with my nose pressed in her hair.

  Chapter Twelve

  Jessie

  Felix had woken me up when he’d crept out of my room first thing in the morning. Not entirely, just enough that I’d lifted my head, noticed the drop in temperature, and then gone back to sleep. It didn’t bother me. We’d just fallen asleep by accident, that was all.

  But Felix had so obviously not wanted to talk about it. That puzzled me, because Felix hardly ever lied to me, or even kept anything secret from me. Surprises, obviously, but in all other ways, he’d been an open book. I knew about his fears and dreams and hopes as well as anyone.

  Or at least, I’d thought so. Now, Felix was acting weird. Not in any very big way, but he was far more careful about how comfortable he made himself on my bed in the evenings. Sometimes, he’d open a window, claiming the room was stuffy, even when it was definitely chilly outside.

  I wanted to tell him to stop worrying. But since I didn’t know what he was actually worried about, the words never quite made it past my lips.

  As the days passed between that night we’d slept in the same bed, Felix seemed to get more normal. So hopefully, that would be the end of it.

  Doing physio every day was exhausting. Not physically, because 30 leg raises really weren’t enough to tire me out, but emotionally. It meant a reminder, every day, of the uncertainty of my future. Whether or not my leg would recover quickly, how soon I would be fit to dance again, whether someone else would take my place in the company.

  I stayed up late, unable to completely quiet my mind. It probably didn’t help that there was so little for me to do. Felix had done his best, but he couldn’t enable me to dance again, which meant there was a lot of spare energy zinging around my body by the time I went to bed.
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br />   One night, after Felix and I had stayed up watching a new horror movie, I tossed and turned for what felt like hours.

  When I finally did sleep, I fell immediately into a dream.

  I was shivering, prowling around somewhere dark. I kept coming up against walls made of metal bars. Some of them were impassable, but others had big enough gaps that I could slip between them.

  There was something that I was looking for, something hidden, but I only had my phone to light my way. It was hardly bright enough for me to see very much.

  Slowly, it dawned on me that the place was familiar, even if I hadn’t recognized it at first. It was Felix’s parents’ zoo, except it was quieter than I’d ever heard it. Instead of the snorts and snuffles of various animals, all I could make out was the pounding of my own heart.

  I turned the corner, spotting something lying on the floor. As I hurried to it, I thought I heard footsteps behind me. Touching the object, I pulled my hand back with a noise of disgust. It felt slimy and cold. As I lifted my phone to cast a little more light, I saw it was a bowl of raw meat, like Felix’s parents would feed to one of the smaller carnivores.

  About to get up, I froze at the sound of a growl behind me. My stomach churned, fingers losing their grip on my phone. In total darkness, I tried not to make a sound. But I could hear my own breathing, every gasp echoing in my ears.

  With an ear-piercing roar, whatever was behind me jumped, its sharp claws making contact with my back. It shoved me down, my head knocking against the bowl.

  The animal’s weight pressed down against my back, getting heavier and heavier with every passing second. My lungs burned, my fingers scrambling at the floor as I fought to push myself up.

  I woke with a splutter, the pressure on my lungs vanishing as the dream went to tatters. Sitting up, I reached for my bottle of water, letting the liquid soothe my throat as I took several long gulps.

  It had only been a dream. A nightmare. I wasn’t prone to bad dreams usually, but the combination of living away from my home and watching horror movies probably explained it.

  I tried to laugh, telling myself it was silly to be frightened just because I’d watched a scary movie. But my room was dark. The shadows of the furniture were still unfamiliar to me.

  Sitting up, I wrapped my arms around myself. The sensible thing to do would be to go back to sleep. But I didn’t want to have another dream like that one. I reached for my phone, which showed it was only two in the morning. Which meant it was far too early to get up. I’d wake one of the dogs, and that would mean waking everybody.

  And where were the dogs? There was usually at least one sleeping on my floor.

  Burrowing back under the covers, I tried to think pleasant thoughts. But every time my eyelids got heavy and my breathing started to deepen, I’d feel a clenching pressure on my chest, a sudden panic that I couldn’t get enough oxygen.

  After three rounds of that, I was ready to give up. My phone said it was still only quarter past, which felt impossible! I couldn’t just lie here for another several hours. It was important that I get plenty of rest, to give my body the time it needed to heal properly.

  I stood it for as long as I could endure. When I felt sure I’d go mad if I didn’t move, I scrambled awkwardly to my feet. The crutches sounded loud against the carpeted floor, though it was probably only because I was hyper-aware of every noise.

  Biting my lip, I approached Felix’s door. It felt weird to just barge in without any notice. What if Felix slept naked, or something? I was almost sure he didn’t, but almost sure wasn’t good enough.

  I knocked, quietly. And then, when nothing happened, a little louder.

  “Felix?” I hissed. “It’s me.”

  Of course it was me. No one else lived in the house, and the dogs weren’t likely to knock!

  The room was about as dark as mine had been and from next to Felix’s bed there was a small growl that sent a shiver traveling over my back. Even though I knew it was just one of the dogs, after my dream it felt... unsettling. Thankfully, it seemed to rouse Felix from his slumber.

  “Jessie?” he said blearily. “What’s up? Is something wrong?” I heard some shuffling before Felix’s bedside light came on. It was, thankfully, not a very bright light but both of us still blinked at it.

  As it turned out, Felix wasn’t sleeping naked, if the t-shirt he had on was any indication.

  “Not really.” It felt stupid, coming to Felix’s door in the middle of the night because I’d had a bad dream. What could he even do about it? But I was here now, and no matter how much I might want to slink away in embarrassment, it wouldn’t be fair.

  Sighing, I forced myself to give Felix a proper answer. “I had a nightmare. And I know I should go back to sleep, but every time I tried I’d just - panic.”

  At least I knew Felix wouldn’t make fun of me. There weren’t that many people I could have trusted with the truth, but Felix was one of them.

  “Oh,” he said, a frown appearing on his sleepy face. It shouldn’t have made emotions twist low in my stomach but it did. Seeing Felix’s concern for me, the way he thought my concern valid when I worried it wasn’t. It felt good. But perhaps not good enough for me to want to go back to my room yet.

  I didn’t really know what Felix could do about my dream or how he could keep the bad ones away. Yet, even just standing there, no matter how awkward it was, I felt safer.

  What I hadn’t expected was for Felix to flip his blanket open. “Come,” he told me. “You can stay here. There’s no bad dreams in my bed.”

  A startled giggle left my lips. Of course, I knew that Felix’s bed was just a bed. Of course, people could have bad dreams in it. But maybe I wouldn’t. At least, not if Felix was there. It was hard to be afraid of unseen animals when you had the son of zookeepers to protect you.

  Felix would know what to do. And the relief of not having to worry anymore lifted off me, making me feel light on my feet, despite the plaster cast.

  I should probably have thought about whether or not it was appropriate. At the very least, I should have asked if Felix was sure.

  Instead, I just slipped into bed beside him as gracefully as I could, careful not to bump him with my cast. “What, no bad dreams ever?” I asked.

  “Nope, never ever,” he confirmed and my breath caught a little as Felix moved in closer to me. He didn’t reach out for me like a boyfriend might have done, but his body heat enveloped me almost instantly. His blanket was warm and everything smelled like Felix.

  It felt safe. A sort of comfort I hadn’t known to expect. But also, maybe I had, since I had chosen to come here instead of trying to sleep in my own room. “Do you want to tell me about your dream?” Felix asked once he’d turned the light off again, leaving us in darkness. But this wasn’t darkness that felt scary.

  I hesitated, not wanting Felix to think that my dream was somehow his fault. The zoo his parents ran had never felt dangerous to me in real life, so I wasn’t sure why it had become the setting for my nightmare.

  The movement of my shoulders shrugging lifted the blankets a little around us. “I was walking around in the dark, looking for something. And then some wild animal jumped on me from behind.” The words tumbled out of me, faster and faster, as if by getting through them quickly I could stop the sudden fear that ran through me.

  “It was sitting on my back and I couldn’t get up. Couldn’t breathe.”

  Felix shifted, like he was about to reach for me and had to stop himself.

  Then, I felt his hand against my back. It was gentle and, at first, he just pressed it between my shoulder blades, but then, after a moment’s pause, almost as if he’d expected me to object, Felix began to rub my back.

  “Well, I promise there’s no wild animals here. Just Jace and Damson. Sometimes Pammy comes to spoon me, but she has to be in a mood for that.” The seriousness with which Felix informed me of this made me smile, but then, so did the way his hand kept moving over my back. It felt comfortable, m
y body relaxing into the mattress.

  “Yeah,” I agreed. It wasn’t as if I was scared of animals generally. Felix had introduced me to so many that would be impossible. “And if there was a wild animal, you’d know how to deal with it, anyway.”

  Animals liked Felix. Not just dogs, but all manner of different creatures. He had a way of calming them that he’d picked up from his parents. Just knowing that made me feel a little better.

  “I’m sorry about waking you up,” I said. “I just… didn’t know what else to do.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Felix assured me. “I rather you come to me than have bad dreams.” And that was very sweet. I had no idea if I would have come to him if we hadn’t been living together these past few weeks. It felt like some of the boundaries between us were slowly eroding. It wasn’t something I wanted to focus on right now.

  Not when, instead, I could just focus on how nice this felt. “Going to sleep now?” Felix asked, shifting slightly closer, but not so much that his body pressed into mine. He didn’t stop rubbing my back, though. Slow, gentle movements that were so easy to lean into.

  Drowsiness rose in me like a wave. But this time, instead of feeling scary, it was like a warm blanket being lifted over me. “I’ll try,” I agreed, shifting into a more comfortable position against the pillows. It pushed me back against Felix’s hand, but only a little, not enough to disturb the movements.

  Felix didn’t stop until my eyes had fallen closed. As sleep came to me, my breathing stayed deep and even, comforted by the smell of Felix all around me and his warm hand on my back.

  The last thing I remembered was trying to tell Felix to get some sleep, too. I didn’t want to keep him awake - but I was fast asleep before I could even know whether he’d heard me.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Felix

  The first period was okay.

  It wasn’t better or worse than okay, but it was okay. After that, things just got worse. Even the ice felt somehow off. Or maybe the feeling came with how unlucky our gameplay against the San Antonio Fury was.