My Double Life
Page 17
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Maren booked me to do a few songs at the San Antonio stock and rodeo show, but she didn't go with me. Someone from the organization was in charge of picking me and my entourage up, seeing to any needs I had, and returning us to the hotel. No one ever saw Maren. If I was caught, I already knew she would deny having any part or knowledge of this scheme.
I was fine through wardrobe, makeup, and getting my hair glitterfied. I was confident, even. But when I saw the stage and got a glimpse of the audience, I froze up. I nearly couldn’t do it. I had expected hundreds of people, but about three thousand people sat in the stands.
How could I walk out there and lie to all of those people about who I was? What if something went wrong and I couldn’t pull this off? I had spent so much time practicing the dance moves—what if I forgot the words and everyone figured out I was lip-synching? Would they boo me off the stage?
Maren had assured me I was only doing small concerts for Kari, and while I waited to go on, I called her to discuss her definition of the word small. She spent the next five minutes giving me a pep talk about how I was like a mall Santa Claus talking to children at Christmas. It didn't matter that Santa wasn’t real. It made the children happy to meet him. Did I want to deny people Santa? That’s what I'd be doing if I didn’t go out there.
I wondered if a mall Santa had ever been dragged away in handcuffs and charged for fraud, but I didn't ask.
My legs shook as I walked out on the stage, and I had to force myself to keep moving. The crowd, however, cheered before the music even started. Every face I saw brimmed with excitement. Their admiration triggered something in me—adrenaline, energy, hope. I went through the first song tense, but without any mistakes. I messed up a move in the second song, but no one seemed to notice or care. They liked me even though I wasn't perfect. That’s when I relaxed and had fun being the center of attention. I put a little bit of extra flair in my dance moves. I panned for the cameras, flipping my hair around until glitter flew over the stage. It looked like Tinker Bell had stopped by. I finished the last song out of breath and with my heart pounding— and was sorry the concert had ended. Every clap of applause felt like an "I love you" thrown to me.
The next day we flew to Florida for the Strawberry Festival and another small concert. I tried to explain to Maren that she couldn't call it “a small concert” if the number of people who came could conceivably overthrow a third-world dictatorship. Which caused a lot of eye rolling on her part, and she pointedly called them “shorter concerts” after that.
I was dying to tell Lori about meeting Grant, but I couldn’t. Our phone conversations mostly consisted of her filling me in on any high school drama and me making up stories about hanging out at the beach. “Most days I'm covered in sand,” I told her.
It wasn't sand, though. It was glitter. It found its way into my suitcases, my normal clothes, and the sheets of my hotel beds. That’s when I really learned that all that glitters isn't gold. Some of it is just tiny annoying golden squares that poke into you.
After Florida, I went to Denver to lip-synch the national anthem at a pro hockey game. When we flew back to California Thursday night, I felt like I'd been living on nerves and adrenaline all week.
While out on the road, I had called my mom to talk about Larry. "Abuela says you’re dating him because you think I need a father figure in my life."
Mom gave a disgruntled humph. "That's just because Abuela can’t fathom why else I'd be dating him.”
"Well, Abuela has a point.”
"Larry is a very considerate man," Mom said. "And he’s dependable.” She didn’t add anything else to the list, and I wondered if this was the sum total of his good characteristics.
"You’re not getting serious about him, are you?”
"He wants to get serious, but I haven’t decided yet," she said.
"Well, just don’t make any big decisions until I get home, okay?"
"Fine,” she said, "then don’t stay away too long.”
I found that statement chilling even after I hung up the phone.