“I’m so glad you had fun,” I told my daughter. “We need to have dinner soon, so why don’t you go in and get your room picked up, okay? We can have fun with those stickers later.”
“Okay!” Ally scampered right down the hall to the apartment and I nearly sagged against the wall in relief. Damn.
“You look upset,” Parker noted. “Everything okay?”
“No, everything is not okay! I had no idea—I thought some stranger picked Ally up! You couldn’t have left a note or something, a text, a phone message? You had no right to just go and pick her up without telling me!”
“Okay, I’m sorry I didn’t leave you a note. That idea didn’t occur to me. I’m sorry that I worried you and it won’t happen again. You were so tired and stressed, I wanted you to keep getting some rest. And I wanted to spend time with Ally.”
For some reason, Parker’s compliance and even tone infuriated me even more. I wanted him to fight back, to snarl and snap at me, give me a reason to attack him.
That was how I had been since the beginning, I realized. Just wanting reasons to attack him, excuses to go after him to make up for the real reason for my pain.
“If you wanted to be a part of Ally’s life,” I snapped, “then you shouldn’t have left in the first place!”
I knew it was a mistake the minute I said it.
Parker’s face went slack with shock—and then a painfully knowing look came into his eyes, half terrible understanding, half bewilderment. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
I nodded. There was no taking aback what I’d just said. The cat was out of the bag now and for better or (probably) for worse, Parker knew the truth. He was Ally’s father.
“You got me pregnant,” I explained, “and then you left. Before you knew—before even I knew. I took the test a couple weeks after you left.”
Parker’s face drained of color and he sagged against the wall. He looked like he’d been sucker punched, right in the gut. “And you didn’t tell me?”
“Why should I have told you? You left! You just up and left, without a letter or note or any kind of warning, or information. You could have been murdered and had your body dumped in the woods for all that we knew!” At last, all of the rage I had felt at his departure was coming back full-throttle. No more was I hiding it through other, petty reasons. I could be completely honest in why I was so angry with him.
It was actually kind of liberating, even as I could see in my mind’s eye the boat of our relationship catching on fire and sinking into the water. I was as good as hitting it with torpedoes.
Well. So much for that, then.
29
Parker
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. What the fuck? Ally was my daughter?
“You kept this a secret from me while we were living together? Emma, what the hell?” I shook my head, as if that could somehow dislodge some more coherent thoughts. I felt sick. Genuinely sick.
“You left me,” Emma snapped. “I had no obligation to tell you anything.”
“No, you didn’t,” I agreed. “Not until you became my roommate.”
Emma’s eyes went wide and I knew that she knew I was right.
“The entire time I was out of your lives, you had no obligation. Hell, if we’d run into each other randomly on the street, you had no obligation. But the moment we started being in each other’s lives like this? Yeah, you had a fucking obligation. We’re sleeping together, we live together, I spend time with Ally constantly! I’m her friend, I’m basically her regular babysitter.
“How long was this deception gonna last, huh? I wanted to date you. I wanted to be with you, to have a relationship with you. And you know that! You’ve known that for days and you’ve been avoiding the conversation.” Well, now I fucking knew why that was. “What was going to happen if we got into a relationship like I wanted, huh? Were you going to just never tell me that Ally was my daughter for the rest of my life? I’d spend my whole life thinking that she was my stepdaughter, that I’d adopted her?
“That isn’t okay, Emma. There’s a time to put up or shut up and you passed that once we became roommates. You should’ve told me the truth or you should’ve not moved in with me. That was the thing to do, for me and—frankly, for Ally too. What about her, huh? I know she’s young, she’s just a kid, but how is it for her? To not know who her dad is when she’s building a relationship with him? How the fuck is that fair to her?”
Emma looked like she wanted to cry, and I felt bad for it, bad for hurting her, but at the same time, I couldn’t just pretend that everything was fine. I had left, and that gave me no right to any kind of relationship with Emma or Ally—but then to move in with me? To basically start dating me? And have me spend all this time with Ally? All while lying to me and keeping this secret from me?
I hadn’t felt this much like throwing up since the last time I’d had a bad hangover, and that had been… what, two years ago?
“I couldn’t risk you hurting her if you decided you didn’t want her around,” Emma explained. “I didn’t know if I could trust you.”
“Well this sure fucking explains why you were so argumentative over everything.” I shook my head. “Emma, if you were worried, why the fuck did you room with me? You put me in a bad position. You put all of us in a bad position.”
“You gave me such a good living opportunity, what else was I supposed to do?”
“Tell the fucking truth! If you needed this place to live so badly, then it was worth the truth.”
“You might have decided not to live with me.”
“So you’re accusing me of being selfish for leaving, when you went and did the same thing. You lied to me and kept a secret so that you could have a place that you wanted, because that was more important than doing the considerate thing.” I was so angry, I wanted to find a punching bag and wail on it. “You screwed all three of us over, Emma. I did the wrong thing by leaving the way that I did, without a note, but I didn’t have a choice. I was a kid and I was hurting and my dad was in control. You had full control here. And we’re not kids anymore, we’re adults, and you had to know this would come out sooner or later and that it would hurt us. You can’t have it both ways, Emma. You can’t have me and Ally and your secret. You have to choose. And the moment you decided to let me back into your life again, that was the moment to do so.”
I went moved around Emma and into the apartment, heading right for my bedroom. The bed was still a mess from earlier, the blankets all rumpled, and I had to ignore that as I went for my closet and dresser, pulling my suitcase out and stuffing some clothes into it. I really didn’t care what the fuck I was grabbing, just the basics. Underwear, jeans, shirts, a couple books, my toothbrush—I wasn’t going to just clear out the entire apartment of my stuff but there was no way I could stay here in the same place as Emma after what I had just learned.
“What are you doing?”
I looked up over my shoulder and saw Emma staring at me. Her eyes were wide and her cheeks were flushed—with anger, embarrassment, or something else, I couldn’t tell. “I can’t stay under the same roof as you right now.”
Closing the lid of my suitcase, I stood up. “I’m going to a hotel.”
I had to push past her to leave, and my heart ached. I still wanted—fuck, even after everything—Emma still had a hold on me. There was still a part of my heart that wanted to stay, to hold her, to tell her that it was going to be all right. Even with my pain and rage, I could tell that she was hurting and my instinct to comfort her was strong.
But what about me? What about my own anger and need for comfort? I had been lied to. We could’ve worked this whole thing out right at the beginning. I could’ve gotten to know Ally as my daughter, right away.
God, Ally. I didn’t want to leave her, either. But I couldn’t stay here with Emma and I wasn’t about to bring Ally with me away from her mom. I just needed some time to cool off, work through my anger.
“Do you know when yo
u’ll be back?” Emma asked as I headed for the front door.
“No.”
I worked hard not to slam the door behind me as I left, but it still shut with a firm finality. Would I ever be back? Could we possibly move past this, past our double hurt and pain?
I didn’t know.
30
Emma
The moment that Parker closed the door behind him, I burst into tears.
I didn’t even plan it. I hadn’t realized that I was holding them back. But I had been, and I was, crying like there was no tomorrow. Maybe there was no tomorrow. At least not for my relationship with Parker.
God, I had been so stupid. I’d known, deep in my heart, that I wanted to be with Parker. I had been so angry at him, hissing and scratching like a, well, like an alley cat (no guessing where my daughter had gotten those traits from) because I was still in love with him, and had been this entire time.
And I’d ruined everything.
Parker had a point—I should’ve either told him about Ally or I should’ve just left without rooming with him. He wasn’t in our lives and so I had no obligation to write him and tell him about her. That was true. But to keep such a secret from both of them, to have father and daughter knowing each other…
“Mama?” Ally was running out of her room, and the next second she was hugging me tightly. “What’s wrong?”
Crap. How could I possibly tell my sweet girl the truth? It would be too much for her. She adored Parker. To have him be gone and to hear that he was her father and I’d lied to her, with no happy ending in sight? I couldn’t do that to her. At least not until I had my head on straighter than before.
“Nothing, honey.” I crouched down and hugged her tightly. “I’m just feeling homesick.”
Once I said it, I realized it was true. I was homesick. Moving to the big city and getting a great, high-paying, exciting job had once been my dream—but it had been my dream before getting pregnant, and before losing my parents. It felt like the dream of a different person.
I wasn’t happy here. None of this had been what I’d hoped it would be. My dream job was only an opportunity for stress and for some creep to try and hit on me, and I couldn’t possibly stay with Parker now. He was furious with me. What did I even have to stay for?
“C’mon,” I told Ally. “Let’s get you some dinner, okay?”
“Where’s Parker?”
“He had to go out for a bit, but he’ll be back.” I rarely lied to my daughter, but there was no way I was telling her that Parker had left.
Once Ally was all tucked in bed, I wrote my resignation letter to Julie. I explained that I was grateful for the opportunity, but that this job wasn’t working out for me, and that I wished her well.
Then I had to pack.
Ugh, Lucas would have to come back here and get all of our furniture, but I wasn’t going to wait until we could get the truck up here and I wasn’t going to try and take too much with me right now. What mattered was just that we got out of the house and back home.
I woke Ally up early the next morning—I hadn’t slept a wink—and took us to the train station. I had to call her daycare and explain that we wouldn’t be there. I didn’t say that we would never be coming back, just in case—I’d hate to lose Ally’s spot at the daycare—but I was sure we wouldn’t be.
Ally was sleepy and confused as we got on the train, but she didn’t ask questions and just napped, while I texted Van and asked her to pick us up.
I don’t get it, Van replied. I mean of course I’ll pick you up, but is everything okay?
I’ll explain later, I replied. I didn’t want to talk about this over texting.
Van met us at the train station, smiling and scooping Ally up for a big hug. “Auntie Van!”
“Hey, baby girl!” Van gave her a big hug and looked over at me. “So nice to have you guys visiting!”
“Let’s get back to the house, okay?” I said, loading the suitcases up into Van’s car.
The trip was quiet. I didn’t want to say anything in front of Ally. Van kept glancing over at me, clearly worried, but I kept my eyes straight ahead. The familiar roads and houses of Rehoboth passed by us, and I could feel myself… not relaxing, exactly. I was still far too upset for that. But it was… comforting. Familiar. It was good to be back in a place that I knew so well, a place where I had a support system. Home.
Yes. Rehoboth still felt like home to me.
“Lucas isn’t home,” Van explained as we let ourselves into the house. Van had a key back from when she was babysitting Ally all the time, and I guess Lucas had seen no reason to ask for it back. I still had my key too, somewhere.
Ally went out back immediately to play on the playset that Lucas and Dad had built for her way back when I was pregnant—it was their baby shower present to me—and Van immediately sat me down at the kitchen table. “Okay,” she told me. “Spill.”
And I did. How could I not? Van’s mouth was hanging open by the time I was finished.
“Babe.” She shook her head. “You didn’t have to tell him, I don’t think. But then you shouldn’t have slept with him and should have kept your distance. Kept him as a friendly-but-distant roommate. You slept with him!?”
“I know, I know.”
“And the work thing is…”
“I know.”
Van sighed and took my hands. “Maybe it’s better that you came back here. Not deal with any of that nonsense. We’re here and we’re going to support you. You’re home.”
“I feel home,” I told her honestly.
Van smiled at me and took my hands, squeezing them. “Of course.”
My phone rang, and I winced as I grabbed it. Was it Parker? No. Why would he call? He had said he needed to go and he wasn’t sure when he’d come back—he couldn’t have calmed down from his anger so soon, not with how I had hurt him. I’d seen that pain in his eyes and I knew that wasn’t going to go away in just a day.
Nope, it wasn’t Parker.
It was Julie.
“I need to take this,” I whispered. “It’s my boss.” Well, ex-boss.
Van nodded and went out back to play with Ally while I answered the phone. “Hi, Julie!”
“Emma, hi.” Julie sounded tired. “I got your letter—are you sure? I’m so sorry about how things have gone with Nolan… and I’m sorry for any part I’ve played in making you uncomfortable.”
“No, it’s fine. You’ve been trying to protect me and others in the workspace. I’m just… I just can’t be in that environment.”
“You’re a good worker and a smart girl, Emma, you could go far, in this company or elsewhere. I hope that you don’t give up on things just because of one bad experience.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that. But I just think that… my own circumstances have changed and I need to quit. It’s not just Nolan and whatever happened there, it’s just also… I’m realizing what my priorities are and they’re different than what I thought they were.”
“I can understand that,” Julie replied. “If you change your mind, please know that you’ll always have a place here with me.”
“Thank you, Julie. I really appreciate it.”
I hung up just as Ally ran inside. “Mama!”
“Yes, baby girl?”
“Van says we’re staying here?” Ally looked incredibly upset. “But I wanna go home!”
“We are home, honey.”
Ally, to my surprise, continued to look upset. “But… but I want to see Parker! We live with Parker now, you said! Our home is with Parker now!”
Oh dear. Ally had never lost anyone in her life. My parents had died before she could get to know them, and moving to a new city had been fun, with Van and Lucas visiting all the time. The idea that I was taking her away from someone she’d grown to care about…
I’d had no idea that she was quite so close to Parker. Of course, he’d been reading to her and playing with her but… I supposed that in my own haste to find every reason to dislike Parke
r, fighting against my own nature, I had overlooked just how close he and Ally had become.
“I’m sorry honey.” I didn’t know how else to explain it to her. “But we’re moving back here. This is our home.”
Ally just started to cry.
Van entered from out back, her eyebrows raising in surprise and concerned. I just shook my head at her and then pulled Ally into a hug.
Great. I’d officially messed up everything in my life. Fantastic.
31
Parker
I slept like shit at the hotel. It was a nice hotel, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t home. And my mind was racing the entire time. How could I forgive Emma for what she’d done? How could I trust her after she’d decided to take advantage of the situation, to let me into her life and fight me the entire time without telling me the real reason why she was angry? How could I trust her after she’d let me be with Ally and have a relationship with both of them without telling me the truth?
When I got back to the apartment, I made sure to wait until later in the morning, so that Ally would be at daycare and Emma would be at work. I had no idea how she was going to handle the situation with her boss. He sounded like a fucking piece of work and part of me was still tempted to go down there and give him a knuckle sandwich for lunch. But Emma and I were already at odds and I didn’t want to give us one more reason to fight.
I kind of puttered around the house, not sure what to do when Emma came back. I should probably properly apologize for leaving those years ago, but I didn’t want her to think that my apologizing for that excused her lying to me. But I didn’t want to stay angry at her, either.
And then five o’clock came and went and there was no sign of Emma or Ally.
Roomies with Brother's Best Friend Page 20
