by Simone Elise
“I’d love to say I won’t do wrong by you Autumn- but we both know that will be a lie. I’ll always let you down,” I murmured, my knuckles pausing on her arm. Looking up at her, I see a perfect smile on her face, which is baffling to me, considering.
“That’s perhaps the most honest thing you’ve ever told me,” she said cupping my face. “But that let down is a two-way street.”
I dropped the cigarette in the ashtray, having my preferred drug of choice on my lap. I leaned up and kissed her lips, the best bit? She kissed me back.
Chapter 11
Autumn
Looking at the two storey brick house in front of me I recall most of my childhood here. Hawk house had been released after being seized. Only took a good two years for it to be released.
The police once again doing a number on it because of the club.
I brought my fist to the wooden door, waiting for him to answer. He was on a bender which usually meant vodka and a hell of a lot of it.
The door opened. And my eyes took in the man that was my step father.
“Hi,” I forced out, suddenly feeling nervous. The club said Hawk had disappeared from clubs eyes altogether. No one knew what was going on with him.
“Something wrong?” he looked at me for a reason for me being here.
“Yeah there is,” I said putting my hands in my jacket. “My father disappeared. I was concerned.”
He scoffed.
“Come on Hawk, let me in?”
His expression of sourness didn’t drop but he opened the door for me to walk in. I immediately took the house in that was a mess. I never remembered it like this. But then my eyes landed on the coffee table.
Everyone else would just see a coffee table.
I saw a statement of love.
Jacob and I were running in Hawk’s house. Dad was still alive at this point, I tripped hitting my head on the coffee table.
Hawk felt guilty for it.
Wasn’t his fault. Perhaps it was Jacob’s for stealing my latest toy that Hawk had given me.
Hawk still had the tabs on the corner of the coffee table. All these years later and those corner tabs were still on.
I turned to look back at him. “Is this my fault?” I looked around the house, him, everything was a wreck and I was feeling the blame.
Hawk shrugged.
God, I had treated him awful. Once again.
“God, I don’t know why you put up with me,” I muttered and went and sat on his couch. Ended up having to clean a spot for me to sit down.
“You know.” His words were dark, and my eyes snapped to him. How did he know I knew? Perhaps Jacob? “You ain't ever gonna get past it.” He was unsteady on his feet and I got up.
My hand going to his shoulders, steadying him. “How much have you had to drink?” More importantly, when was the last time he was sober?
He shrugged again.
“Hawk.” And I locked my eyes with his.
How did I say this?
“You’re stuck with me. I know I can be a pain in the ass. And I’m sorry I treated you like shit, again. But I just had to deal with it on my own.” I blew out, not finding the right words in the end. I kept my eyes locked with his. “I’m sorry.”
And those two words, seemed to have broken him.
“I killed him Autumn, my club did it. Ain’t shit for you to be sorry about,” he muttered and then looked down at the ground. “Can’t expect you to ever forgive me or the club.”
I knew deep down I wouldn’t forgive them. But, I also knew, my love for Hawk hadn’t changed. And somehow I needed to tell him that. Or perhaps show it?
“Game’s on. Let’s watch it.” I changed the subject. If we were going to move on from this, we needed new moments, so they would be new memories.
HAWK
She didn’t say she hated me. She didn’t say she never wanted to see me again. She never said anything along those lines. Instead she propped herself up on my couch and watched the game with me, like she did when she was little.
She wasn’t cold either.
She wasn’t distant.
No, she was in the moment, commenting on the plays. She didn’t hate me. Was it possible I hadn’t lost the only good thing I had left?
Chapter 12
JACOB
Cage was many things. However, clinically sane might not be one right now.
I knew he had a temper, but nothing like this. The plan was a drive by. Shoot the place up. Cage ended that plan as soon as he got off his bike.
The whole point of a drive by was to keep fucking driving! But no. We shot the place up and then he parked his fucking bike! Got off, gun raised and headed inside.
I was shocked for a minute. Then, I fucking had no choice but to follow. So as I walked into the house, I saw Cage have one guy by the throat while he raised his gun and shot the other bastard that walked out- classic headshot.
Cage was damn lucky that man didn’t shoot him!
Cage raised the man off the ground, his feet dangling as he strangled him. The man squirming, trying to get free. Bright red in the face.
“Come on Cage. I’m not one for torture,” I said to his back. While I scanned the place ready for someone else to come out.
Cage ignored me and strangled the man to death. I saw the glint in his eyes as he watched the life fade from his victim’s eyes. I wasn’t sure whose life I was watching fade— Cage’s or the man he had killed- barehanded.
Cage let the body slump to the floor and turned to look at me. “These men distributed the footage of your sister.” He glared at me. “You should be fucking into torturing them,” he said while he holstered his gun. He said this with a coldness that you’d only see in a serial killer’s eyes.
I had seen it the night he killed the man from the gym. Scared me then. And it was scaring me now.
He shouldered past me. Did he think I didn’t want revenge on these bastards? He was wrong. I did. But I wasn’t into torture. And I hadn’t been pushed to the point to end a man’s life- but I knew that wouldn’t always be the case.
When you ride for this club, you die for this club. Which means, your soul dies as soon as you take the first life in the name of the club. I knew that. The only problem I had with Cage’s actions was, the club didn’t order him to do this drive by or kill these two men.
He had done that on his own. I looked at the two bodies and I had no idea the amount of lives that would end from the chaos that was Cage’s and Autumn’s love.
Chapter 13
Autumn
Hawk and I watched the game, he was a tad distant, but I knew that was because of how I had treated him the past few months. I had to go through my process on my own. The game was coming to an end when my phone rang.
I just answered it not looking at the caller ID.
“Hello?” I said, my eyes on the television watching the score.
“I need you here now.”
I pulled the phone from my ear. Jacob.
“What do you want Jacob?” My attention was on the game.
“You need to come here now! I just said that!” He snapped at me.
“Where and why?”
“Cage’s is… has gone… just come to the club house.”
I sat up on the couch. “Cage is or has what?” I wanted Jacob to finish his fucking sentence!
“Cage hasn’t had a great night and is currently blowing up at everyone here,” he hissed into the phone like it was my fault. “His temper is out of control and I only know one person that can calm him down. YOU!”
“So you want me to come there, to deal with Cage in a bad mood? You are joking right? As if I want to put up with him in a bad mood! He will just snap at me!”
“You are the reason he is in this bad mood!”
“Then I really don’t want to come.” How was this my fault?
“Autumn!” he growled. “Get your ass here and calm down your man before someone fucking dies by his hands again tonight.”
My express
ion dropped. “What do you mean again?” But Jacob hung up. Leaving me in a position where I had to go to the clubhouse.
What had Cage in such a bad mood? Yesterday or last night he was fine. Now, Jacob was making it sound like he was causing a riot at the club.
“I have to head home,” I said to Hawk. “Jacob demanded it.”
“You never usually listened to him.”
I nodded my head. “Trying to change bad habits.” I paused in the doorway. “Will I be seeing you back at the club soon?”
He shrugged and I felt immediately guilty.
“I hope you come back soon. The place isn’t the same without you,” I said before leaving. Knowing very well I was leaving a shell of a man behind.
Arriving at the clubhouse. I could hear the shouting from here, then heard something smash against the wall. I nervously opened the clubhouse door and after doing so I scanned the biker’s, all of which looked like they wanted to be anywhere but here.
Cage was fuming at a flipped table. “Which part of we aren’t earning don’t ya fucking understand?” he roared to the room. The table members, including Lit, looked terrified.
What had happened to Cage? Jacob was standing next to Lit and Wild, and when his eyes landed on me, relief washed over his face.
He gestured for me to go to Cage. But no one, including me, wanted to go near a furious Cage.
But that ended when his eyes landed on me. Okay. Looks like I couldn’t back out of the room now.
“Hi,” I said to the open room. “Has everyone eaten?” Perhaps I could escape to the kitchen?
Cage’s eyes were narrowed on me glaring- then his glare went to Jacob. “You call her?” he growled at Jacob, and that tone told me a fight was coming.
“Cage, can you come with me?” I said putting a hand on my hip. “Now.” I added when he went to tell me to fuck off.
His lips formed a straight line, and he looked very unhappy about accompanying me into the large kitchen. Gripping his hand when he was in reach, I pulled him in.
“Did that bastard call you? Fucking pussy can’t even take being told off!” Cage’s rage didn’t stop when the kitchen door closed behind us. “Pussies. That is what this club is made of. Ones that don’t understand when a club isn’t earning we don’t do deals!” he added with a roar, shouting it so the boys heard him.
Okay how do I calm him down? I couldn’t fuck him in here, with everyone out there listening.
I needed to distract him though. I glanced at the back door, which opened up to the lot.
“Cage?”
“What?” he barked at me.
“Can you take me into town?”
He looked me up and down. What was he looking for on me? I didn’t say take me to the hospital- God he was looking at me like I was sick or something.
“Please,” I added.
He looked torn between taking me and going back out there and picking up the fight with the members- about making deals when the club wasn’t earning. I didn’t know the details but I doubted the club doing deals behind Cage’s back had him this worked up.
He forced the back door open, clearly pissed off about having to take me into town. I heard him mutter, ‘why couldn't Jacob take me.’ He really was in a real foul mood.
He mounted his bike and I got on, hoping I didn’t lose my life because he was about to take some of that rage out on the road.
Then again, the road coping his rage was better than members.
Chapter 14
CAGE
I wasn’t the best man to have control over my temper. I knew that. I acted with my fists when others would think before they acted. Me however- I acted. I didn’t fucking think it through. Annoying as it was- I fucking acted.
Tonight- I acted. Killing those two men. God gave me a stern stomach. I could take on most things that made others vomit- or go weak at the knees. Tonight, was a classic example. Jacob couldn’t stomach my actions- saw it on his face.
But my temper wasn’t under grips when I returned to the clubhouse to find out that those bastards had done a deal behind my back! Expecting me to come through on it. When I had nothing to do with it.
Usually side deals weren’t an issue- when I was in a reasonable mood.
But tonight, I wasn’t reasonable. I knew that- I had seen red. Jacob calling Autumn to come and calm me down pissed me off more.
Leaning against the street pole I watched Autumn go inside the pizza shop, clearly placing an order. Why she couldn’t call it in- I didn’t know. However, I knew they were delivering them because we couldn’t exactly take them back on the bike.
I inhaled on my cigarette while watching the boys in the corner have eyes on Autumn. That fucking body of hers always brought attention. Wasn’t just her body though. It was also that seductive swirl her voice had to it, when she spoke.
Then I saw one of the boys walk up to the counter where Autumn was standing. Leaning over her he grabbed a menu, and his hand was on her hip. I saw her go still. Fuck was the Lord trying to test me tonight?
Because I didn’t have a grip on my temper and I couldn’t keep it under grips when it came to men hitting on my woman.
Then, I saw him strike a conversation with her. Autumn gave him an uneasy smile. Knew then- I was going to lose my self-control.
Throwing my cigarette to the ground I stomped on it. I watched him chat with her. His friends we’re all in the corner, all smirking. This boy properly thought he could charm her with those smirks.
The bell chimed as I walked in. Hearing the boy ask if Autumn was new to town.
I hovered back- didn’t want to get involved if she didn’t need me. Then again, my pride was doing crazy things to me when it came to her. I had this need to prove to her and the fucking world I was good enough for her.
Then again, was a serial killer really good enough for her? I had killed three men all for her now.
She didn’t even know it.
I had spaced out on that fact until I saw the guy’s hand move from her hip to her ass. Snapping me back into the moment after seeing that.
“Babe you need a hand?” I kept control over my temper for the first time tonight. Watching him take a step away from her, his eyes ran over me, and he removed his hand.
Just the look of me- scared this man to back off.
Autumn smiled. “Yeah babe, the orders are placed and they are delivering them to the clubhouse.” She looked at the guy. “Nice to meet you.” And then she walked straight to me- that’s my girl.
I opened the door for her, and she walked out.
“I’m proud of you,” she said, coming to a stop at my bike.
“How so?”
“You managed to scare a man off by looking at you instead of using your fists.” She suppressed her smirk. “Have you calmed down now?”
“No and yes.” I mounted the bike- holding it still for her as she climbed on.
She kissed my cheek before getting on. For some reason that sent a calmness through my body.
She always knew what to do- when to do it- how the fuck was that possible?
The bike roared to life and for the first time tonight I felt calm. Feeling Autumn’s arms wrapped around me- my cheek still buzzing from her touch. How was it so easy to sin and so hard to be a saint? Because I felt like I needed to be a saint to have her, but I needed to do sinner things to keep her.
I knew as I pulled away from the curb- that one day- my blurs between what she needed and what I could give, would in the end, be our downfall.
Chapter 15
CAGE
I used to say I’d changed. I used to be under this illusion that I could be forgiven for the life I led. That the actions I did- didn’t fall solely on my shoulders. I did it in the name of the club. In the silence I heard the sounds of my mind ticking- thinking everything I touched turned to stone.
The club was barely surviving, and I couldn’t connect me being back at it as a result for it failing. It was so fucking easy to sin, so har
d to be a saint that I needed to be to keep her and this club.
Autumn rolled over on my arm, her head on my chest and I couldn’t help but think somewhere, along the line, I lost my soul- and now most of it was gone. I didn’t know what was driving me. The club or Autumn? Or the temper that consumed me lately?
I’d pray to God for help if I believed. But I had lived so long unhealthy that there was no way I could be forgiven. The men dead. The crimes done. The blood on my hands. Nothing could take that away.
Not a prayer to upstairs.
Not a president telling me that everything happens for a reason.
No wise words.
Just me. Trying to deal with the fact that every day that passed my soul turned and twisted and things darkened. My outlook on life was tainted. I was trying to figure out the reason of why I was here. Was I here just to end the lives of others?
I knew I couldn’t change my ways but sinking into this demon way, was going to cause her sorrow because one day my heart would ice over and she wouldn’t understand.
I slipped Autumn off my arm, her rolling onto my pillow. Sitting up on the edge of the bed. My eyes glanced at my dog tags. Another thing that I failed at. Dishonourable discharge against my name.
One day, I knew it was coming, I wasn’t going to come back from the crimes I was committing. Because in the silence, like now, all those voices, all those last looks- from the ones I had killed, filled my mind.
I couldn’t be forgiven.
My soul was in pieces and as I stared across the room at the leather cut, which I wore with pride, which I would die for, was killing me. I knew it.
I reached for my cigarette packet. If I could pinpoint the moment I lost my soul I would. But I couldn’t do it. Because I still had a tiny piece of it left, and that part came out when I was with Autumn. She gave me sanity. She gave me hope. She was- and is- my true north.
