Dancing with the Sun

by Kay Bratt

  Lauren pointed to a wooden ladder that led to a loft overlooking the living area.

  “I sleep up there,” she said. “Cooper will take the couch.”

  He raised his gaze to them, smiled, and then returned to his phone.

  Lauren nudged Sadie forward. “Show her, Dad,” she said, nodding to one of the doors off the living area.

  “Show me what?” Sadie was immediately suspicious.

  “Come with me,” Tom said, leading her until they stood at the door, his hand on the knob. He paused, looking into her eyes. “Before we go in, I want you to know that I thought of you every minute that I spent here. I never came to get away from you. I came to feel close to you and wait for you to come back to me.”

  Sadie tried to swallow past the sudden lump in her throat.

  He opened the door and held it wide.

  She stepped in and was immediately overcome, unable to speak.

  The room was the studio she’d once dreamed of having. So very long ago she and Tom had talked of how peaceful it would be for her to have a place to paint there if they ever got to build their cabin, perhaps even with a window that framed a view of the lake.

  It would be inspiring, they’d mused. It would be perfect.

  Just like the one she was looking at now. The huge floor-to-ceiling window was open with a slight breeze coming in, making the wispy white curtains dance slightly and filling the room with the coveted natural light only an artist could truly appreciate.

  Outside she could see a slice of blue through the trees, the sun setting low over the water, reflecting orange and red beams in a cascade of color. On the other side of the room was a rocking chair and footstool. A lamp reflected a soft light from a small table piled high with books next to the chair.

  From the pile, Sadie spotted the spine of The Snow Child, her favorite book. She kept a copy on her nightstand at home too. She had been wanting to read it again for years but had been unable to open the cover and share for a second time the numbing grief the main character carried. Now she knew that if she’d had the courage to really embrace the message it held, perhaps it would’ve helped her. Sadie couldn’t wait to read it again.

  Yes, Tom had thought of everything. Even an easel propped next to the window, the tray holding a new set of paints and a jar of brushes, a small padded stool in front of the three wooden legs. And the easel held a canvas, the back of it to her. First she thought he’d put it there for her to paint on. She couldn’t think of a more thoughtful human being, and her breath caught in her throat, remembering how close she’d come to losing him.

  Then she spotted a glimpse of color from the side of the canvas. Perhaps it wasn’t blank, after all.

  A feeling came over her, and Sadie forgot that Tom was there, with Lauren right behind him, watching her as for once, she left her emotions unhidden. No more secrets, they’d all decided in their last family therapy session. From now on, they’d share their pain as much as they shared their celebrations of life.

  She moved toward the easel, was drawn there as though an invisible hand was extended, pulling her forward.

  When she reached the stand, she moved around it and stared, taking in the miracle of something so very accurate that she’d created, unknowing at the time that it would come from last moments, stolen snippets from a life destined to be cut short.

  The painting was still unfinished but complete enough that the sight of her son’s face clutched at her heart. No one spoke as they allowed her to have her own response, whatever it may be.

  Her pulse raced, and from the window, she heard the sound of an owl greeting her. She went to the glass, standing in the beam of sun as she searched the trees. There was no sign of the bird. Was he saying goodbye now that she’d finally found her way?

  “You remember Oscar?”

  She turned to Tom. “That’s Oscar? But how?”

  “I didn’t really take him to the sanctuary like I said. Once I proved I knew what to do to ensure his survival, I got a permit and brought him here. Helping him heal got me through the hardest and darkest times after what happened. He decided he liked me and stayed around all these years. Funny thing is he disappeared a few days before you and Lauren went missing. He’s in the final years of his life, so I thought he was gone forever, but all of a sudden, he’s back.”

  Sadie had a feeling she knew exactly where the owl had gone.

  One lone tear slid down her face because she felt him.

  Not the owl.

  This time she felt her son. Really felt him, without pushing away his memory in a reaction of self-preservation. She smiled through her tears, knowing that he was there. All around her, most likely victorious in the knowledge that she and Tom were together again, in the place he’d helped dream up and had loved to explore. Sadie could feel his joy, and for the second time in only a matter of weeks, she wanted to celebrate her son.

  “This was Jacob’s idea,” Tom said. “He was so proud of you, Sadie. On the way up here the day he left us, we talked about you. He said every artist needs a studio. This room is a gift from Jacob, but I brought the painting here last year because I just couldn’t leave him in the back of that closet for another day. I hope you’ll forgive me for taking it.”

  He sounded hesitant. Anxious for her reaction but perhaps not ready for it.

  “It belonged here, Mom,” Lauren said quietly. “This land was his happy place.”

  Sadie fought to get herself under control so she could speak. But then she realized that words weren’t always needed. She turned and held her arms out. And this time she held them wide enough for not only her daughter to enter, but she also made room for the love of her life. Jacob was there too. In spirit.

  Together they embraced, standing in the light, strong and steady as a family.

  After a moment of silence and a few sniffles, Tom cut the seriousness by making them sway, as though they moved to music. Sadie smiled, happiness flooding through her as she realized that for the first time all together, they danced with the sun.

  FROM THE AUTHOR THE STORY BEHIND THE STORY

  On a brisk fall day I was sitting all alone in our vacation home on Amelia Island, wondering why we’d bought a house that had no choice at this time in our lives but to echo with silence. I was browsing the internet and read an article about a mother and her college-age daughter rescued after getting lost on a hike. The mother had pulled from resources she hadn’t known she had to keep her child safe from the elements. At the time I’d been trying to hide the depression brought on because my own nest was hauntingly empty, and I spent too much time alone. My youngest was away at college, and I missed her desperately as I struggled to carve out a new normal without her. The article got me thinking about if I were in the same situation as that mother. Would I be able to put aside all the other burdens I carry and just focus on saving my daughter? Of course, I thought—I’d do whatever it took to get her out of there. But then, what if my burdens were of the magnitude that I’d felt broken and useless for so long that it seemed impossible for me to be of any use? With that soul searching, the concept of Dancing with the Sun was born.

  Around this same time I could not help but see various posts from a few of my online friends who had tragically lost their daughters. Each time I posted about missing my daughter who was off at school, I felt a rush of guilt that at least I would see her soon, whereas these mothers would never hold their children again. I marveled at the strength they showed in the midst of their grief. As I began to brainstorm what burden I would give Sadie to carry into the woods with her, I knew immediately what it would be. I want to extend my admiration to Mary Anne, Jolie, Vicki, and Johanna for being brave, as well as honest, in the aftermath of something as earth-shattering as losing a child. Witnessing your raw pain but also your strength made me think long and hard about your losses and how I would handle such a tragedy. I’ve done much research about the loss of a child, but through you I’ve learned that everyone processes grief differently. May yo
u continue to heal from the heartbreaking losses of Mandy, Ann Emory, Eiley Joy, and little Gia-Bia. I ask you to remember this: your daughters would want you to dance with the sun.

  I have one final message I wish to share with my readers. During the editing process of this novel, my husband and I decided to plan a trip to Maui to research my next project and visit our youngest daughter, Amanda, who is living and working there. Despite feeling emotionally and mentally exhausted from the complicated process of getting this book ready for publication, I was filled with excitement to finally hold my baby girl again. When we came off the plane and saw her standing there, we all burst into tears, and the three of us held on to each other tightly, our hearts relieved to be together. Finally, after months without her seeing her, I felt like me again.

  A few days later we decided to travel the famous Road to Hana. Our gracious guide for the day was a gregarious young man named Zach, who we immediately fell in love with. It was a day full of adventure and laughter. As we traveled along one particularly curvy stretch, I said that I was surprised that I hadn’t seen more wildlife along the way. Suddenly, as though God heard my words, a magnificent owl rose up from somewhere and began to fly alongside our vehicle, so close I could almost reach out and touch his expansive wings and solemn round face. I have been infatuated with owls all my life but have never been that close to one before. I felt honored to see such a creature in his natural environment, to study his every exquisitely created detail and witness the noble expression he wore. In awe, I watched as the owl stayed alongside us for a time, escorting us through the lush beauty of his land—reminding us to slow down and savor every bit of beauty. I have since discovered that he was a Hawaiian owl called a pueo, an endangered species only known to the islands. In Hawaiian folklore, it is said that these owls rescue souls from the underworld. Considering that Jacob was still constantly on my mind at the time, it made the moment even more surreal and special, and it lasted longer than seemed possible. I knew immediately the experience must be remembered by being written into my next novel.

  As the owl finally flew up and soared high into the sky, a thought came to me that he was a gift and possibly even a reward for the hard work and the many tears I put into Dancing with the Sun. I hope my story touched you as much reading it as it did me writing it.

  With gratitude,

  Kay

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  To my dedicated readers, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your support is what drives me to continue listening to the voices in my head that are fictional characters pleading to be heard. I plan to write more stories just as long as you keep reading them. If you enjoyed Dancing with the Sun, I would be grateful if you could post an honest review on Amazon and/or Goodreads to help the book gain visibility and new readers.

  My experience with hiking and the outdoors is minimal, so this story required extensive research. Most was done online through blogs and websites, as well as offline through books such as Yosemite, by John Muir. I was also lucky enough to find some real-life experts to interview, so my thanks go out to Steve and Brock Ledbetter for teaching me about building a shelter and the fatwood that in their experiences, they call the heart of a pine. Many thanks, Karen Petty, for lending me your how-I-met-my-husband story and to Margarita McClain for your fond memory of gaming for the first time. My gratitude also goes to Mercedes (Sadie) Shea for being such a dedicated reader of my work and letting me borrow your name. To Yosemite Search and Rescue, after reading about all that you do to save hikers from themselves, my hat’s off to you.

  To my friends Karen and Kate, thank you for the boost I desperately needed to get this book to the finish line. To Danielle, Alicia, Gabe, and the rest of the team at Lake Union Publishing, I can’t imagine finding any other group of people in publishing as dedicated and knowledgeable as you, and I cherish your continued faith in my storytelling abilities. To make a book a success is a huge team effort, and I can honestly say that being with Lake Union feels like I’ve made it to the World Series.

  To my family, thank you for continuing to believe in me. Ben, you amaze me, and no matter what life gives us, together we’ll conquer it. To Amanda, with this story you’ll understand how much I’ve missed you since you went off to school but also know how very proud I am of the young woman you are shaping up to be. As a side note, if we were lost, you better believe that I’d carry you as far as we needed to go.

  DISCUSSION QUESTIONS DANCING WITH THE SUN

  Sadie spent years using her role as the organizer of Lauren’s life to hide her pain and guilt, finding her only comfort in the things she could control. When that role changed, she felt useless and lost. If you have experienced children leaving home, did it change your perception of who you were? Can you give advice to the mothers who have yet to experience this time in their lives?

  Sadie felt that her selfish need for alone time prevented her from being there in the tragic moments when Jacob really needed her. After his death, she refused joy and instead embraced guilt and sought penance in every aspect of her life. Do you think her mind was still seeking self-punishment and invented reasons to end her marriage? Can you relate to loving someone so much that you feel you should let them go?

  In the years after Jacob’s death, Sadie experienced many people saying the wrong thing as they tried to offer consolation. What would you say are the right things to say to someone suffering from the passing of a child?

  Lauren was more cognizant of her mother’s depression than Sadie gave her credit for. Have you ever hidden something from your child and later found out that they knew or understood all along?

  To Sadie, the outdoors was the complete opposite of her comfort zone. Have you ever been thrown into a situation that you didn’t feel competent to handle? If so, like Sadie, did you find unknown resources within yourself to pull through?

  The owl in the story was instrumental in helping Sadie find the courage to take care of Lauren and finally face the devastation of losing her son. Did you feel that the owl was simply a reminder of Jacob, or did you see it as an embodiment of Jacob’s spirit?

  At the end, the story alludes to the possibility that the owl was the one that Tom raised after the death of his son. How did that change your perception of just what the owl represented?

  Lastly, if you’ve learned something about grief from this book and what you can do for someone in your life who is suffering the loss or absence of a child, please share ideas with the group.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Photo © 2013 Eclipse Photography Studio

  Kay Bratt is the author of more than a dozen full-length novels and two children’s books. Her writing became her solace and support while she navigated a tumultuous childhood followed by a decade of abuse as an adult. After working her way through the hard years, Kay came out a survivor and a pursuer of peace—and finally found the courage to share her stories. Kay lives with the love of her life and a pack of rowdy dogs in the rolling hills of South Carolina. Learn more about Kay and her writing at www.kaybratt.com.