Psychic Spiral (of Death)

by Amie Gibbons

  Whoa, didn’t she say that’s what he did to her? Just stopped calling and would barely speak to her?

  “The only time we ever talked was when we ran into each other and you were drinking,” Thomas continued. “To even talk to you, I had to have Gemmi practically pin you down at the fucking formal.”

  “And that was good!” AB said. “You made an effort. That was when you tried to make what you did to me better. You flagging me down. You apologizing.”

  “I never apologized,” he snapped. “I had nothing to apologize for. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

  AB’s head jerked back like she’d been slapped and her mouth dropped open as she sunk back onto the couch.

  “You need to start taking responsibility for your own fucking actions, AB,” he snarled, pointing at her. “You came over to my place. You said you wanted to lose it. I thought I was a friend doing another friend a favor. If I’d known how fucking crazy you were, I never would’ve touched you.”

  My mouth dropped again as AB made a small noise. I didn’t even remember closing it.

  Holy shit.

  Did we need to stop this?

  I looked at Carvi and I swear he looked as surprised as me.

  “I have never done anything to you!” Thomas kept going. “You have been an asshole to me! I’ve never been an asshole to you.”

  “Yes, you have,” AB whispered.

  “When?” he demanded.

  AB’s mouth worked and she stared at the ground.

  “See, see!” Thomas pointed at her again. “You can’t even think of one thing.”

  “Thomas,” she said, so weak I was wondering if I needed to jump on the scene, “do you not remember how this all started?”

  “What? We were friends, AB! And you unilaterally ended this friendship. You posted that shit on Facebook, behind my back, and you destroyed this. You did that, then you wouldn’t let me see my friends.”

  “What?” she said, curling up on herself.

  “I wanted to come over in October when I was having a bad night, and you wouldn’t let me!”

  “To my place,” she practically pleaded. “Thomas, I wasn’t blocking you. I just didn’t invite you to my place.”

  “That’s where everyone was! And I wanted to join y’all, and you wouldn’t let me. You blocked me from the party the week after that. I’d already been invited. I bought a pie. And I ended up eating that pie all by myself!”

  “The party? You? I didn’t block you! You weren’t invited! It was Sam’s party and he didn’t invite you! Paul did and then figured he should check with Sam. And Sam said no. That was his decision, not mine.”

  “He said I was uninvited because it would bother you.”

  “That was his decision. Not mine!”

  “He did it because of you. When will you take responsibility for your own actions?”

  “When will you?” she asked, still so quiet.

  Was she in shock?

  “I didn’t do anything to you!” he yelled. “You crazy little… We were both adults at Vanderbilt Medical School. I assumed if you made it there, you had your shit together. I assumed you were a grown up. Obviously, I was wrong. If I’d known how fucking crazy you were, I wouldn’t have gone near you.”

  AB gasped.

  “This isn’t going how I thought it would,” Carvi said next to me, making me hop in place.

  I’d forgotten he was there.

  Thomas was in the middle of a sentence and I raised my hands. “Guys!”

  If they heard me, they didn’t show it.

  Thomas was repeating what he’d already said about her blocking him and being a shitty friend and she just curled up on the couch, pulling her knees tight against her chest, a blanket appearing around her shoulders.

  “And you keep telling everyone what happened!” Thomas finished.

  “Why?” AB asked. “Why, if you are so convinced you did nothing wrong, are you so scared of me talking about it?”

  “Because I would meet people in your class and their eyes would widen when I said my name. They’d tell me later they were shocked I was so nice because Annabeth Williamson told them I was an asshole. And I never was!

  “And the first time, I made the mistake of asking what exactly you said. You know what the girl told me? She said you told her I tricked you into bed when you were drunk and took your virginity, and that it was so bad that you’re traumatized by it.”

  “That’s the truth!” AB said. “I never lied. I never exaggerated.”

  “I didn’t trick you into anything.”

  Funny how he focused on that and not the traumatized part.

  “Yes, you did.” Her voice hitched up a notch and she snarled, “You acted like you liked me. You pursued me. You told me I was safe with you.”

  “You said you just wanted to lose it.”

  “I never said I just wanted to. And you said you liked me!”

  “I did! We never agreed on an ongoing relationship. We agreed on one time. That’s it. After that, we agreed to be friends. You tried to change the agreement, and I said no. That’s it. When you have two parties, both have to agree, and one has the right to say no. I said no. I owed you nothing!”

  She squeaked.

  It was like he was using the arguments she’d used on him against her.

  “AB!” I yelled. “Fight back!”

  She looked over at me, but he didn’t seem to hear me still.

  “AB,” Thomas said, “you said you just wanted to lose it and I thought I was a good guy for that. Because we were friends and because I wouldn’t be a jerk like some guys.”

  She met my eyes and I nodded.

  She turned to him and let go of the blanket, stabbing her finger at him.

  “Except you were a jerk!” she yelled as she stood up. “You’ve said that before. That you thought you would be a good guy for a girl to lose it to because you would be nice and gentle and wouldn’t be a jerk about it, but guess what, you were a jerk! I remember you losing patience with me when it was hard for you to get in. Telling me to shut up when I was panicking and talking too much.

  “You know why it was so hard for you to get in? Because I’m a small girl! Obviously! It hurt so bad because I’m small, and I was scared, so my muscles tensed up, which actually makes sex harder. And you had to bash that hole open, and you were a jerk about it. You were hurting me and you were getting mad at me for it.”

  He flinched.

  “Right,” she said, “don’t like being reminded of that, do ya? You were drinking that night too. Did you forget that part? Did you forget losing patience with me over that? How about when you turned me over and did anal when I was definitely too drunk to consent to that?”

  He looked away.

  “Yep, conveniently forgot that part, huh?” she said. “How about we go back to you being a lying sack of shit then? Telling me how safe I was with you? You keep saying you thought I just wanted to lose it, but you were the one who hit on me! You’re the one who started it. You’re the one who acted like you liked me and pursued me.”

  “You came over to my place for that!”

  “Oh? And I did that out of the blue? No! What about that first night? We were hanging out and watching TV as friends, and you hit on me! You started rubbing my arm and then you kissed me and suddenly you were all over me. Even after I said I was a virgin. You said that was fine. And it was too much too fast, so I said that and got dressed. I went to leave and you…”

  She laughed and shook her head. “My god, no wonder you’re so worried about being accused of sexual assault, because not only were you a jerk when you were traumatizing me, you were thinking along those lines before that.

  “You were lying there and said, ‘I want to,’ and you made a gesture like throwing someone on the bed, then said, ‘but there’s that R word.’ And I remember it took me a moment to figure out the R word you were worried about was rape, and I told you not a good idea with any girl. It’s like you were asking for permissio
n to get rough with me.

  “You act like you’re such a good guy. You keep saying you are. But you don’t get to act like you’re a good guy when you said stuff like that, and when you did get rough with me, and got mean about it. You seduced me. You did it over days, but you did do it. And you left me afterwards. And treated me like I was nothing.

  “Ha! Because I was nothing to you.”

  She wiped under her glasses.

  “You don’t get to pretend you’re a good guy when you act like taking a girl’s virginity is nothing, Thomas,” she said. “Or when you did it when I was drunk and in pain and you were an ass about it. When you throw her away after. You don’t get to rewrite history and act like you thought I just wanted to lose it and have it be no big deal when you’re the one who seduced me and told me it’d be okay when I was scared and in pain. Told me I was safe with you.”

  He drew a sharp breath. “You acted like it was no big deal. Yeah, I’m the one who started things, but you’re the one who came over saying you wanted to lose it, you’re the one who went with it and didn’t act like it meant anything to you until afterwards. If anyone lied here, it was you.”

  She gasped and my mouth fell open.

  Was he serious with that crap?

  “I. Didn’t. Know!” AB screamed.

  “Neither did I!” Thomas shouted back.

  They stared at each other.

  “AB,” Thomas said after a moment, “I thought I was doing you a favor. I thought you wanted to lose it. And I thought I was a good guy to do that because I wasn’t an asshole, because I’d be careful with you.”

  Her head snapped up, face twisting and eyes narrowing behind her glasses.

  “Well, that didn’t work out, did it? Because you were an asshole. Because you weren’t nice! You were a jerk. You were a jerk during. You definitely were a jerk afterwards. I’m sure if Ariana helped me look back on that night that I’d see you saying and doing a lot more jerky things than I remember now.

  “So stop saying this shit about me having you on a pedestal or whatever. Stop acting like I’m two seconds from boiling your bunny. Stop acting like I’m obsessed with you and am going to shoot you or whatever slut you’re fucking at the time.

  “I was traumatized by you. That triggered my OCD, which made me fixate on you, because that’s what happens when you have OCD and trauma. And I wanted so bad to fix it, to get rid of the trauma, that it made me want a second chance with you. Because if we tried again and it wasn’t horrible, it’d mean that first time wasn’t actually that bad. You traumatized me. And then you made fun of me for how I reacted.”

  “What! When?”

  “That night when we were fighting. You said I was like Raj off of The Big Bang Theory, because I could only talk to you when I was drinking.”

  “I was trying to make you laugh. I was trying to lighten the mood.”

  “By insulting me? By calling me crazy? By the way, obviously I’m not crazy stalker girl, because I didn’t contact you after we weren’t talking. If I were crazy, I would’ve. I didn’t call you. I didn’t email. I definitely didn’t stalk you.”

  “Wait, no, we emailed.”

  “When we were trying to work things out. And I only contacted you after you contacted me. If I were crazy, if I were obsessed with you like that, wouldn’t I have at least reached out? Wouldn’t I have called you ten times or sent a dozen emails without hearing back from you? Isn’t that what crazy stalkers do? You’re the therapist, you tell me.”

  They stared at each other.

  “This is real, isn’t it?” Thomas asked. “Somehow, you’re in my dream.”

  “That’d be my doing,” Carvi said.

  Thomas jumped, eyes flying comically wide as he looked at us.

  His lips went out and he cursed in what I’m assuming was German as he slammed a hand to his forehead.

  He turned back to AB. “And you think this isn’t crazy!”

  “I didn’t do this!” she snapped, pointing at us. “They did. I didn’t even know I was arguing with you until you just asked if this was real. I thought I was arguing with my memory of you or some projection in my mind.”

  “Why?” he asked Carvi. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m trying to help her,” Carvi said. “This did not go how it was supposed to. I thought you two could work things out.”

  “We could if she would take some fucking responsibility for her actions!” Thomas yelled.

  “We could if you would!” AB snapped back.

  “I don’t know what you want from me!”

  “I want you to stop hurting me,” she said. “I want you to admit you did something wrong. I want to dig you out of my brain so I have no memory of you. I want you to stop pretending this is all on me. I want you to admit you did something wrong so I know you won’t do it again! Because right now? I’m wondering how many girls you’ve molested.”

  “I didn’t fucking molest you, you crazy bitch!”

  She flinched with her whole body.

  “What do you want, AB?” he asked softer.

  She shook her head. “I want you to cut out the Jekyll and Hyde act. I want you to either be that nice guy I met and I’d been hanging out with, or the asshole I can hate. But you have got to stop switching.”

  “I was about to say the same thing,” he said, crossing his arms again. “You were the girl I met. You were funny and weird and my friend. And then you just switched. I feel like I’m dealing with two completely different people.”

  “Well, so do I.”

  He took a deep breath. “AB, we can't keep having this fight over and over again. Neither of us wins. We just keep hurting each other.”

  “Then how do we stop?” she asked. “Because I don’t know what to do.”

  “We just stop,” he said. “We start again with a clean slate. Can’t you be that girl again? Can’t we go back to being fine with each other? To being friends?”

  “Not after what you just said,” she said. “Because you won’t even acknowledge you did something wrong. You have blamed this all on me. I don't know how to be okay with you, let alone be your friend again. And because you keep switching back and forth. You were done, you were out, and we didn’t talk after that last email because you didn’t answer me. And then Halloween happened, and I tried to talk to you, and you were an asshole. I helped save your life… No, I helped bring you back to life, and you were an asshole to me!”

  “I-” He shook his head.

  AB suddenly laughed, making us stare at her.

  “Oh my god,” she said, tenting her hands over her mouth and nose for a moment. “I figured it out, Thomas. I know my issues with you. I know why I hate you. It took seven years, but I finally figured out what your problem with me is.”

  She paused, then said, “You are my greatest failure; you are the worst mistake I ever made. And I finally figured out that I'm one of yours too. You have this image of yourself as a good guy, as helpful, as considerate, as giving and selfless. My god, you became a therapist, you like helping people so much.

  “And I'm this giant flashing reminder of a time where you were not a good guy. Where you were selfish and cruel and took advantage of, possibly molested, and broke someone who was already vulnerable.”

  His face hardened and I could feel him clenching his jaw.

  “You destroyed my sense of self back then,” AB said, “and me being so damaged from that, damages your image of who you are. Because looking at me, you know you're selfish. You're cruel. You're a user. You know you are not a good guy, not always. And you can't stand that.

  “You can’t stand that you were a bad guy. I thought it was just other people knowing you were an asshole that set you off, because you cared about your image, and you do, but it’s deeper than that. You can’t stand knowing you traumatized me, so you’ve convinced yourself that you didn’t. That I’m just crazy. That I was messed up before you ever got your hands on me.

  “Because if I’m just crazy, and I
latched onto you after one-time sex that didn’t result in permanent damage, then it’s off you. You called me crazy, because if I’m just crazy, then it’s not because you damaged me. If I’m this damaged by you, it makes you the bad guy.”

  Thomas stared at her without eye contact, but this time, I was pretty sure it was him not meeting her eyes.

  “I destroy your image of who you are by being so damaged,” AB said softly. “And we were friends while all this was buried because I seemed fine with you, so it let you off the hook. You can’t stand feeling like the guy who took advantage of a broken, little girl who was away from home for the first time and desperate for a connection, so you have convinced yourself it’s just on me, so you don’t feel guilty.

  “Carvi told me I have to accept that I fucked up and it’s okay. Thomas, you fucked up. We both did. We both broke me. And I’m still paying for it. I’m still broken, and I am not okay. And that’s on both of us.

  “Thomas, it’s okay. We fucked up, and it’s okay. I was stupid and careless and didn’t know what I wanted. And you took advantage of me, you were a bad guy, and you traumatized me, then you ditched me afterwards. You were a bad guy here.

  “You’re not perfect. And that’s okay. Nobody is asking you to be. But please don’t destroy everything we built after you apologized by taking it back now.”

  Her words broke off with a sob and she covered her mouth, shoulders jerking as she tried to hold the noise in.

  “I never apologized,” Thomas said. “Because I didn’t do anything wrong. And you are crazy. You need professional help. And you need to take responsibility for what you did. I just did what you wanted. If you’re traumatized, it’s your own fucking fault.”

  Thomas turned away and vanished.

  “What just happened?” Mama asked, barely audible over AB’s surprised yelp.

  “I think he woke up,” Carvi said.

  AB bent over, crying so hard I thought it’d rip her apart in here.

  Mama rushed around the bed and pulled AB into a hug, holding her tight and stroking her hair.

  “What time is it?” I asked, blinking quickly and trying not to cry along with AB.

  “We haven’t been in here that long in the real world,” Carvi said, voice flat and even, watching AB.