He Laughed With His Other Mouths

by M. T. Anderson

  The creature said, “First, why not a little bite to eat, hm? Chompy chompy?”

  Lily, who was getting concerned, said, “Do we have time? Shouldn’t we be—”

  “Don’t worry about it, Lilah. Always time for a square meal, or, in my case, several octagonal ones.” The Dirrillill opened a drawer and pawed through a bunch of pamphlets while another couple of hands fiddled with gadgets. “I have some take-out menus here. I don’t cook much myself.” He shoved the menus at the kids. “Take your pick. The cuisine of any world in this arm of the galaxy. From back in the days when this world was full of people from all over our empire.”

  Katie said suspiciously, “Why are there restaurants? I thought you were the only Dirrillill.”

  “I am. I keep the restaurants in business. I have a lot of mouths to feed.”

  “Who runs the restaurants?”

  “Machines, nowadays,” answered one mouth, and another suggested Dludge food, and a third recommended, “Don’t try the Skraxflange menu. The Skraxflanges were a silicon-based life-form, and they mainly ate dry clay with a gravel garnish. Very embarrassing when you order a dish at their restaurant and you literally get a dish. Ceramic. Crunchy but tasteless.”—“Ah. Here’s an Earth menu. There you go.”

  Katie looked over the entrées. “Ankylosaurus stew?”

  “Their idea of Earth cuisine may be a little out of date.”

  “Diplodocus fritters?”

  “You’re fifteen hundred light-years from home. You take what you can get.”

  “I guess I’ll get the buffalo allosaurus fingers.”

  “Sure. Appetizer portion or meal?”

  “The salad.”

  Lily said she just wanted the butter-fried ferns.

  “That’s it?” said the Dirrillill.

  “I’ve been thinking of becoming a vegetarian anyway,” Lily said. “And I guess I don’t want to eat anything that’s already extinct.”

  Jasper said he wanted the fritters. The Dirrillill called in their orders. He himself was getting several different meals for different mouths.

  With other hands, he had done a little sketch of what Jasper would have to do to expand the teleportation booth back on Earth. “You see?” the Dirrillill said. “I can give you the parts. You’ll have to put them together on the other side. You think you can do that for your old pal the last Dirrillill?”

  Jasper looked over the plans. Lily could see he was bursting with pride. The Boy Technonaut was obviously thrilled that the Dirrillill was asking him for help. “Sure, sir,” he said. “I’d be honored.”

  “Honored. That’s swell, ha ha.” Another mouth said, “It’s a pleasure,” and another one said, “Let’s get working after dinner. The sooner you can fix your teleporter up, the sooner you and I and your mother and your little friends here will be relaxing, dreaming of stinging insects, and eating a big, delicious vat of cold cream.”

  “Ice cream.”

  “You can understand my error. Let me go up and gather the spare parts.”—“Hit this button when the food arrives. It will let the food robot through the force field. Got it, kids?”

  He was about to walk out when Jasper said to him: “Sir? . . . Mr. Dirrillill? Will you . . . will you stay on Earth for a while? With my mom and me? We have room in our house of the future. And that’s where the teleporter is. You know, why, you can go back and forth from this planet as often as you want.” The hope in Jasper’s voice was raw and awful.

  “Aren’t you a nice guy to invite me?” The mouths smiled sweetly. “Oh, don’t worry. I’ll be spending a lot of time on Earth.” With that, he gave an evil grin—but it was only with one mouth, very low down on his body, and facing the other direction. No one could see it.

  But Katie’s eyes still scrunched up with distrust. She glared at the Dirrillill. He lumbered away, humming to himself with many voices.

  Katie turned around, muttering to Lily, “Wonder if he wants a hand with anything. . . . Don’t worry—we can just keep an eye on things down here. . . .”

  Lily gave her a warning look and said to Jasper, “Are you, um, having a good time, Jasper?”

  Jasper grinned. “Just about the best day ever, chums!” He gazed happily out the window at the tiger-striped sky. “Who would’ve thought that later today I’d be off to save my mother with a death ray supplied by my own father-like thing.”

  Katie cleared her throat loudly. She tapped her finger angrily on the counter. “There is something fishy.”

  “What’s fishy?” asked Lily.

  “I don’t know. But everything on this planet is fishier than a stingray in a grouper in a killer whale. I don’t trust that Dirrillill!”

  Jasper said, “Ever since you’ve met him, Katie, you’ve been very rude.”

  “Because I’m sure he’s evil. Where are all the other last Dirrillillim? Nowhere! He got rid of them all! He’s the winner of their war! He killed them and won a dead planet.”

  Jasper’s cheeks turned red. “I will thank you not to say things like that about my father. Like. Creature. Thing. And I might mention that the killer whale is not a fish. It is a mammal.”

  “Katie,” said Lily, “you haven’t given the Dirrillill a chance. Just because he has so many teeth.”

  “So many teeth!”

  Jasper crossed his arms. “You are being terrible, Katie. I would like you to apologize to the Dirrillill.”

  “He’s planning to take over the Earth! You can tell!”

  “That’s balderdash.”

  “How do you know he’s nice?” Katie argued. “You don’t know him. You haven’t been on this planet much longer than us!”

  “Six hours longer. And I know my aliens.”

  Katie rolled her eyes.

  “Katie,” said Jasper seriously, “I no longer feel at home on the Earth. And it was always my friends who made me feel at home. You. So now that I have the chance to have a family—a real, honest-to-gosh family—I wish you wouldn’t ruin it.”

  “What about your mom? You have your mom! You don’t need some monster!”

  “He is not a monster!” Jasper was almost in tears.

  They would have kept arguing, except that the doorbell rang.

  A little screen appeared in midair. It showed the foot of the tower. A robotic vehicle with several bags of take-out food waited to be let in through the force field. The force field shimmered and buzzed.

  “Delivery,” said the robot.

  Jasper and Katie both went for the button and paused over it, giving each other a dirty look. Then they both pressed it at the same time.

  The force field lifted up. There was a click and a whir. Down seventy levels, a little door opened, and the robot placed the food in a little elevator, then crawled away. The force field dropped.

  A second later Lily saw a door on the counter open. Up popped several stapled paper bags with different restaurants’ logos on them.

  Katie opened the bag from the Blue Marble Bistro (“Earth to Go!”) and lifted out the kids’ Jurassic meals.

  Jasper crossed his arms and said to Lily, “You might tell Katie that I am not going to start eating until our host comes back. Because I am polite.”

  “Oh,” Lily pleaded. “Please don’t do that thing where you don’t talk to each—”

  “Jasper may be interested to know that I was actually just getting out the food to see whose was whose.”

  “Katie might wish to hear that I’m getting out the silverware.”

  “Lily, could you tell Jasper that he’ll need a bunch of extra sets of knives and forks for his evil, all-devouring new best friend?”

  “Lily, could you remind Katie that the Dirrillill just very kindly bought us dinner?”

  “Lily, could you tell Jasper that I can’t find any napkins, so we’re going to have to use paper towels?”

  “Lily, could you—”

  “Ah—eh!” said Katie. “Look what the Dirrillill’s eating. . . .”

  The others glanced over a
t the containers she’d popped open. Some of the meals were curled and hairy, baked in syrup. Lily was not entirely sure that when they were alive, they wouldn’t have been able to talk.

  Lily backed away from the take-out containers.

  “What?” said Jasper uncomfortably. “It’s just food.”

  Katie was looking in horror at Dirrillill’s feast. And then, weirdly, she said, “Jasper . . . Did you say you’d been on the planet for six hours before you met us?”

  “Lily, you can tell Katie that yes, I—”

  “Just answer the question, Jas,” said Katie. “Because if that’s true, then—”

  The door slid open and the Dirrillill waddled in on his several legs, pushing a cart of machines, spare parts, and ray guns in front of him.

  “Dinner, dinner, dinny-poo, ha ha!” the Dirrillill exclaimed, rubbing some of his hands together. “Aren’t you thoughtful to set the table?” The alien hobbled over and squatted near the plates. He picked up knives and forks and began to serve himself his hideous meal. He encouraged the kids, “Dig in!”

  Jasper held up Katie’s Styrofoam box of dinner and said, “Lily, you might inform Katie that apparently allosauruses have two fingers. And that they are served with a dipping sauce.”

  No one else spoke.

  The Dirrillill asked, “Why the long faces?”

  Katie said, “We could ask you the same question.”

  “I’m sorry, sir,” Jasper said to the Dirrillill. “She doesn’t mean to be rude.”

  “Yes, I do,” said Katie. “I mean to be very rude. Because what time did you leave Earth, Jasper?”

  He shrugged. “It was about three in the morning.”

  Katie said, “Well, at seven o’clock in the morning—four hours later—your mom discovered you were missing. And she freaked out and picked Lily and me up at seven thirty. And we teleported here at about eight o’clock. And then Lily and me looked around for you and waited for an hour.”

  The Dirrillill pointed at Katie’s food and sang out, “Someone’s letting her dino diner dinner get cold!”

  “SO,” Katie insisted, “that’s about six hours. Six hours on this planet, six hours on Earth! In other words, there is no difference between how time goes here and at home. In other words, WE ARE SITTING HERE MESSING AROUND WITH TAKE-OUT FOOD WHILE YOUR MOM IS FIGHTING SOME MONSTER BACK ON EARTH!”

  She shoved the Styrofoam box away from her, and it toppled off the table. She pointed at the Dirrillill. “He tricked us! He doesn’t care about your mom! He’s just trying to get you to go back and fix up the teleporter so he can go through and invade! You see? That space monster fooled us all!”

  “Oh, ah, ha ha,” said the Dirrillill. He dabbed at a mouth with a paper towel. He stepped toward the three kids. “Please,” he said. “Call me Uncle Dirrillill.”

  His hands grabbed knives and forks, and, swinging them, he growled and screamed and laughed all at once, lunging at the children.

  Them Dirrillillian Bones

  Anatomic Diagram

  THE DIRRILLILL DISHES IT OUT

  Lily cowered in fear.

  The Dirrillill swung the knives and forks through the air menacingly. “Look here, Jasper Dash, one way or another, I’m going to need you to go back to the Earth and enlarge that teleporter booth so that it’s large enough for me and my weapons.”

  Jasper said, “I will do no such thing. Is Katie right? What are you planning? What’s going on?”

  “ ‘What’s going on’ will be all your cities, one after another, being scrubbed off the map by my disintegrator ray until the people of Earth submit to me, ha ha. I alone, the last of my kind, shall rule a new empire! Earth shall be the first bauble on my new imperial charm bracelet!” The Dirrillill swished his cutlery through the air—about to dice young Dash like some delicious dish.

  “I won’t do it!”

  Then the Dirrillill darted toward Katie and swiped his knives toward her. She yelped and jumped back. The creature said to Jasper, “Which of your friends would you like me to kill first? That’s what will happen if you don’t go back to Earth and set up the teleporter for me, ha ha.”

  “I thought you were my family!” Jasper complained, tears coming to his eyes. “But you’re just like the rest of the aliens I meet! Boasting about invasion!”

  “Too true! Too true!” said the Dirrillillim—and he dove toward Katie, slashing.

  Katie was not helpless, even when attacked by someone with many more arms and legs than her. She held up a chair with enough seats for three butts. With a clang, the knives hit the chair!

  The kids ran for the kitchen door.

  “Come on, Jas!” yelled Katie.

  “I’ll hold him off!” said Jasper, pulling out his ray gun.

  Lily and Katie heard laser bolts being fired. They ran up ramps. They ran through rooms with bulbs and rooms with tubes.

  They were in an echoing armory where missiles and bombs hung in brackets.

  “Jasper’s not behind us!” said Lily. “He’s still back there!”

  They hesitated.

  Jasper—all alone—was engaged in combat with the creature he called his father.

  HOME SWEET HOME

  Of course, Jasper’s ray gun hadn’t done him much good. It had basically been sucked dry by the electrical people, so it was completely out of juice.

  But Jasper had also studied hand-to-hand combat, and he sprang into action.

  The Dirrillill stabbed at him with forks and knives!

  Jasper leaped!

  He kicked!

  He hit the Dirrillill squarely in some of the faces!

  The Dirrillill aimed a swift left and three rights at Jasper’s head. The Boy Technonaut dodged just in time, and each punch flew—swish!—swish!—swish!—SWASH!—right past his skull.

  Jasper punched, but hands repelled him.

  He kicked—and connected—but the Dirrillill had grabbed his leg.

  Jasper hopped on one leg, fists wheeling.

  The Dirrillill threw him down—then, with a spare hand, grabbed a gadget, aimed, and fired.

  Suddenly Jasper was frozen. He tried to push himself up, but his arms wouldn’t move. He tried to turn his head, but his neck wouldn’t move. He could see everything, but he was helpless.

  The Dirrillill picked up the paralyzed Boy Technonaut. “Very sorry, son,” said the Dirrillill. “I know this isn’t what you were expecting here in the Horsehead Nebula. But don’t worry. Very soon—very soon—your Earth will be part of my empire. So in a way, ha ha, you’ll be home, even when you’re imprisoned here forever.”I

  * * *

  I One day Busby Spence got home from school and found his mother sitting in the living room with both her hands and a letter pressed between her knees. It was a letter from the US government about his dad. She gave it to Busby to read.

  Dear Mrs. Spence:

  On behalf of the United States Armed Services, we regret to inform you that your husband, Lt. Henry Spence, has been wounded in action and has been removed to a hospital facility. He will receive a medical discharge upon the removal of his casts and a period of psychological evaluation.

  From what Busby understood, it meant that his father wasn’t going to be in the Marines anymore. He was going to get an honorable discharge. Busby was so happy he yelped. He couldn’t understand why his mother wasn’t more thrilled.

  After years of Busby never even seeing his father, his dad was finally coming home.

  NINE AND FIFTEEN ZEROS

  Katie and Lily stood in the weird shadows of the armory, listening.

  “What do you think happened to Jasper?” whispered Katie.

  Lily’s eyes were wide. She had no idea what to do.

  Katie walked a few steps back toward the door they’d just come through.

  Then they heard the slapping of many feet, running together like a Roman legion in an old gladiator movie.

  “A whole crowd,” whispered Katie. “Of one.”

  It was
the Dirrillill thundering toward them.

  They darted toward a ramp. They remembered the way up to the roof.

  They ran through the strange architecture of the Final Fortress of the Dirrillillim. Lily looked back.

  She saw the reflection of the many-faced creature pursuing them across surfaces of glass. It doubled the hands, the mouths, the eyes, the arms that grasped.

  “Girls!” called out one of the Dirrillill’s mouths, while others said, “Ladies!” “My dears!”—“We won’t hurt you!”—“We simply want to hold you hostage until we need to kill you!”

  Katie and Lily scampered out onto the roof. They were far above the surface of the planet. Heaving the droopy force field over their heads, they made their way between old flying cars resting on cinder blocks.

  The Dirrillill called out to them. “Let’s go! Back inside, girls!”

  Stooped over, they crept toward one of the cars that looked like it might still work. They hid. They flattened themselves against the side. They hunkered down.

  Above them, the old force field twitched and yanked as the Dirrillill raced around the roof, looking for them.

  Lily could tell she was starting to breathe too much and too quickly. She was gasping with terror. Sometimes Lily wished her friends wanted to spend a normal weekend sitting around the house, watching stuff on the computer. She closed her eyes and wished herself magically to be sitting on the wall-to-wall carpeting in her living room, with the three of them making Rice Krispies treats and drawing interlocking lizards on their math book covers. As she heard the alien’s footsteps approaching, her panicked brain could picture perfectly every detail of every single piece of furniture in that living room: the scrapes on the coffee table, the pattern of the sofa, the cushions on the chairs, the bricks of the fireplace, the little black freckles where the rug had melted when sparks flew past the fire screen. . . . It was all in front of her eyes.

  But it was fifteen hundred light-years away.

  The footsteps were coming up right beside the flying car.