Into the Dark (The Cincinnati Series Book 5) (Cincinnati 5)

by Karen Rose

  She leaned farther into the freezer, clutching the door handle for support. She loved his voice, the gruff growl of it like a firm stroke over her skin.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asked cautiously.

  She closed her eyes, her face reheating despite the cold air surrounding her. ‘Of course,’ she lied. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

  ‘Because you’ve been staring into the freezer for over a minute and haven’t touched anything.’ He drew a breath and let it out in a loud whoosh. ‘If you want me to leave, I can watch the house from outside.’

  Dani jerked her head out of the freezer and looked around the door in surprise. ‘No. I don’t want you to leave.’

  His massive shoulders relaxed. ‘Okay. I thought I was . . . y’know, making you uncomfortable.’

  Well, yeah, she thought. But not the way he thought. She closed the freezer door and went to the sink to fill the kettle. ‘Of course not,’ she said, then clenched her jaw. This was ridiculous. They were acting like they were Michael’s age.

  She put the kettle on and turned to face him, leaning against the counter. ‘Meredith says you like tea. I have some chocolate mint. Would you like that?’

  He relaxed further, and she had to fight to keep her eyes on his and not drop to his lips, which were curving in a smile. He had the nicest mouth.

  He had the nicest everything. She could admit it, even if only to herself.

  ‘I would,’ he said. ‘I’m kind of a chocolate addict.’

  ‘Me, too, but I try to limit my chocolate intake.’ She made a face. ‘I’m careful with my nutrition. Helps keep my immune system healthy.’

  He nodded, his eyes never leaving hers. ‘That’s important. You’ve got a physically demanding job, especially considering so many of the people you see on a daily basis are communicably sick. And now, fostering two boys? Two boys who come with a helluva lot of stress? You need to stay well.’

  She narrowed her eyes, studying his face, searching for any indication that he was setting her up. Waiting for the inevitable ‘but’. But no ‘but’ followed. He was serious. Absolutely sincere.

  His eyes narrowed back at her when she remained silent. ‘Why are you looking at me that way?’ he asked.

  ‘Because my family says that, but then they suggest that I should stop working so much or that I should give up medicine entirely or that I shouldn’t foster kids who might be “dangerous”.’ She used air quotes.

  He tilted his head to one side, appearing distressed. ‘Who says that to you? Deacon?’

  She chuckled a little darkly. ‘No, he knows better. I have kicked his ass in the past and I can do it again.’

  His lips twitched. ‘I’d pay money to have seen that. How old were you?’

  ‘Thirty-three.’ She grinned at him, suddenly at ease. ‘It was last month. He was testing my self-defense moves. Snuck up on me. Ended up staring at the ceiling.’

  He returned her grin, making her heart flutter again. ‘Then he deserved what he got,’ he said decisively. ‘Does Adam say you should quit?’

  ‘Never. And if he thinks it, he’s smart enough to keep it to himself. He’s seen me kick Deacon’s ass.’

  ‘Then who wants you to quit?’

  Sighing, she got mugs from the cabinet and filled the teapot infuser with loose tea, just as she did every evening, finding comfort in the routine. ‘My aunt Tammy mostly. She and my uncle Jim took us in after my mom and stepfather died, and we’d lived with them off and on before that.’ She winced, remembering. ‘Not the happiest environment for kids. Adam got it worse than we did. Uncle Jim was a drunk. Still is.’

  The kettle boiled and she filled the teapot. Taking it and the mugs to the table, she sat directly across from Diesel with a sigh. ‘He’d hit Adam sometimes. Mostly he was emotionally abusive. Adam’s still struggling with it.’

  Diesel nodded. ‘I know. He’s talked to me about it a time or two, when I’m over at their house visiting Meredith. She’s good for him.’

  Dani smiled. Adam had never been happier since he and Meredith Fallon had finally gotten together after a year of dancing around each other. Kind of like Diesel and me, she thought, her smile fading.

  She couldn’t offer Diesel what he really wanted – the happily-ever-after that all their friends had found. She wanted that, too. But she’d also wanted it with Adrian, had even accepted his marriage proposal, only to later break him. Literally.

  Roughly she pushed aside the mental picture of Adrian’s body lying on the rocks, his final words ringing in her ears. Are you happy now? I hope you’re a better doctor than you were a lover.

  She was. She was a damn good doctor and that would have to be enough. Maybe someday she could be a better lover, a better person, but that wasn’t today.

  She wasn’t ready. Not yet. Maybe not ever. And Diesel Kennedy was too nice a man to have to settle for anything less than a woman who could love him completely. And not ‘maybe someday’, but now.

  ‘Meredith’s very good for him,’ Dani agreed quietly. ‘She’s exactly what he needs.’ And I’m not what you need, even though you think I am.

  Diesel’s eyes narrowed, but he said nothing as she reached for the teapot and filled their mugs. He just watched her, his gaze steady and unyielding.

  Kind of like the man himself.

  ‘So your uncle and aunt want you to quit?’ he finally asked.

  ‘Yes.’ She nodded, grateful that he’d pulled back to the topic at hand. ‘They’ve never gotten over my diagnosis. You know, my status.’

  He didn’t blink. ‘That you’re HIV positive,’ he said, putting it right there on the table between them.

  She fought the urge to flinch, although just barely. After nearly four years of living with HIV, she still hated to hear the words spoken so baldly. Some days she almost managed to forget she had it.

  Almost.

  She nodded briskly. ‘Right. Tammy and Jim are convinced that I’m hiding information about my condition, that I’m sicker than I claim.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Or that I’ll give it to a patient or to one of them. That’s mostly Jim. It doesn’t matter that my levels are undetectable and have been for years. It doesn’t matter that I’m diligent about protective wear. They’re constantly reminding me that my clock is ticking and that life is too short to slave in a free clinic for people who “don’t deserve it”. Every so often they ask me if I’ve got AIDS yet. Aunt Tammy’s even found long-term care for me, you know, for when I “succumb”.’

  Diesel grimaced. ‘God.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Dani agreed bitterly. ‘They treat me like spun glass. Like my life is already over. I’ve gone as far as showing them my latest lab results. Always undetectable. But they don’t believe me.’

  His brows drew together. ‘Why would they mistrust you?’

  She sighed. ‘Because I didn’t tell them about my status. They had to hear about it on the news when I was outed.’ When a kid at Greg’s school had somehow found out and spread the word, two and a half years ago.

  Diesel’s mouth tightened. ‘I read about that.’

  She chuckled bitterly. ‘In the Ledger?’

  He nodded once. ‘Not at the time it happened. Marcus and Stone were in the hospital and we were all busy keeping the paper running.’

  ‘I remember,’ she said, pushing her bitterness aside, because so many other things had been happening at the time her status was revealed to the whole city. A serial killer had been on the loose, Deacon on his trail. The man had been after Faith, and after discovering that Faith and Deacon were lovers, had abducted Dani and Greg to lure her to him. ‘That was a busy week.’

  His gaze darkened. ‘That bastard hurt you.’

  ‘Not really. He busted my lip, but it healed. He hurt Deacon a lot worse.’ Her older brother had nearly died when he’d been stabbed while taking the killer down. She sighed, remembering
her younger brother’s terror. ‘Greg still has nightmares about it. He was abducted along with me.’

  ‘I know.’ Diesel’s eyes were still dark, anger glittering in the chocolate depths. He looked . . . dangerous. It gave her an unwelcome thrill. ‘The bastard tried to use the two of you to force Faith into surrendering herself to him.’

  And it might have worked, but for Faith’s quick thinking. Dani owed a lot to her sister-in-law.

  She forced herself to smile. ‘We’re all okay, though. Greg saw a therapist for a long time and the nightmares seem to be more infrequent.’

  ‘And you?’ he asked, so seriously that it made her heart hurt. ‘Did you have nightmares?’

  Dani’s smile faded. ‘Sometimes I dream that I’m trying to stop Deacon’s bleeding but he dies anyway. I thought I’d lose him for sure that night.’ But most nights she dreamed of Adrian, his body lying broken on the rocks.

  ‘But you’re a damn good doctor,’ Diesel said gruffly. ‘Which is why I can’t believe your family would want you to quit. Don’t they understand how HIV is transmitted?’

  She studied him carefully, remembering the night she had been stabbed outside the clinic. Diesel had been there, watching over her. He’d been the one to carry her into the ER, her blood all over him.

  ‘Do you?’ she asked. ‘Because you never freaked out when I bled all over you. You never even asked me if my levels were detectable.’

  He blinked, his anger abruptly gone. In his eyes she saw a sweetness that hurt her heart even more than his caring about her nightmares.

  She had to look away. I don’t deserve that sweetness. I’m going to hurt him.

  ‘I know how it’s transmitted,’ he said quietly. ‘I was a little rattled when the doctors put me in a decontamination room, checking me for open wounds. I didn’t know about your status until then. But I figured that you wouldn’t have been endangering your patients if your levels were detectable.’

  Swinging her gaze back to his face, Dani sucked in a breath. ‘Really?’

  ‘Really.’ He sipped at his tea and made an appreciative sound. ‘This is good.’

  He was trying to change the subject and she wasn’t sure why. ‘Diesel,’ she said, leaning across the table urgently, gripping his forearm. ‘You got tested, right? I told you to that day you visited me in the hospital.’ When she’d told him that she wasn’t looking for a relationship and that he should move on and find someone else. ‘I know the doctors told you to. I made sure they did.’

  He froze, his eyes dropping to where she was touching him. When he looked up, the sweetness was gone, replaced by a hunger that made her suck in another breath, shivers racing all over her skin. She let him go, breathing hard, wanting to look away again, but unable to.

  ‘Did you get tested?’ she whispered. ‘Please tell me you did.’

  He leaned forward in his chair until their faces were only inches apart. ‘Every six months for the last eighteen,’ he whispered back. ‘But I knew I’d be negative. You were working in the emergency room at the time. I knew you wouldn’t knowingly place anyone in danger, so you had to be undetectable. Undetectable means untransmittable, right? That’s what the experts say.’

  ‘Right,’ she murmured, but his closeness had shivers running down her spine. Her gaze slid to his lips, wishing she could feel them on her own. Just once. But once would never be enough. So she eased back into her chair and closed her eyes, flattening her hands on the table, willing her heart to slow to a normal rhythm.

  Which would have been so much easier if he weren’t looking at her. Even with her eyes closed, she could feel his gaze, heavy and wanting.

  And she wanted, too. So much.

  She swallowed hard. ‘Every six months?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said quietly. ‘I’m fine, Dani.’

  ‘I should have asked you directly long before today. I’m sorry.’

  She flinched when his hand covered hers, large and warm. ‘Given how your uncle and aunt have been treating you, I guess I understand why you didn’t want to bring it up,’ he said calmly. Soothing me.

  The seconds ticked by as neither of them moved. He sat patiently, his thumb caressing her skin, as shame washed through her.

  Look at him. He deserves that much. She opened her eyes and found him staring at her, just as she’d known he would be. There was no recrimination in his gaze. ‘I’m glad you’re okay,’ she managed to choke out. ‘I still should have asked you. Thank you again . . . for saving my life.’

  ‘You don’t need to thank me. I wouldn’t have been able to watch you die, even if I’d known your status before you were stabbed.’ He held her gaze for several more hard beats of her heart, then pulled his hand away.

  She almost grabbed it back. Almost.

  ‘Returning to my original question,’ he said, ‘don’t your aunt and uncle understand how HIV is transmitted?’

  She blew out the breath she’d been holding, grateful once again that he’d pulled them back on topic. ‘I really don’t know. I’ve explained it to them. It’s really just Jim who’s the ass about it. Tammy doesn’t fight him on anything, though. Which is why I’m so glad that Greg lives with Deacon and Faith now. Living with Tammy and Jim wasn’t good for him. Jim has very strong beliefs, most of them ones I don’t agree with. He pretty much hates anyone who isn’t like him.’

  ‘Which is why you didn’t tell them about your status,’ Diesel said, then shrugged one massive shoulder. ‘Makes sense to me.’

  Do not look at his shoulders. Focus. ‘My brothers knew, and so did Adam. But none of us had told Tammy and Jim. I asked the boys not to. When the news broke . . .’ She stared down into her tea, feeling her cheeks heat as she relived the humiliation of the entire community learning of her medical status. ‘Tammy and Jim were very angry with me. They had a right to be, I guess.’

  Diesel’s chair creaked a second before his hand entered her field of vision, one thick finger tipping her chin up. Once again, his face was a breath away from hers.

  Expression fierce, he held her gaze. ‘Why were they angry with you?’

  She swallowed hard, unable to look away. His eyes were dark and held a touch of wildness that made her heart beat faster. ‘Because I was stupid enough to get HIV. Because I was selfish enough to keep on working. Because I was cruel enough not to tell them before.’

  ‘So they could already be telling you that you need to quit?’ he gritted out, clearly angry himself. But on her behalf. ‘That your “clock is ticking”? That the people you serve in the free clinic don’t deserve care? They were selfish and cruel. Not you.’

  ‘I can be selfish,’ she whispered, her eyes stinging. I’ve been selfish with you, secretly basking in your attention, knowing I can never be what you need.

  His head tilted as he studied her so intently she wanted to look away. But still she couldn’t.

  ‘I would hope so,’ he said softly. ‘I hope you can be selfish, at least sometimes. You’re always doing things for other people. You deserve to do something for yourself.’

  She blinked once, sending hot tears streaking down her cheeks. Wishing she could have him. Wishing she could at least try. ‘You’re too nice, Diesel. You’re going to get hurt.’

  His eyes flickered with . . . what? Apprehension? Regret? ‘Who’s going to hurt me, Dani?’

  She drew a breath. ‘Me.’

  Eight

  Cincinnati, Ohio

  Saturday, 16 March, 9.05 P.M.

  Leaning across the table, her chin still resting on his fingertip, Diesel held his breath as he asked her, ‘How will you hurt me?’ His whisper was harsh. ‘And why?’

  Her beautiful eyes, one dark brown, the other royal blue, shimmered with new tears that broke his heart. Misery was written all over her face.

  When all he ever wanted was for her to smile at him.

  The moment s
tretched on as she continued to stare up at him. He wanted to push her again. To make her tell him why she believed she’d hurt him. Because she did believe that. But he could see her trembling and knew that if he pushed, she’d flee.

  So he waited, not moving a muscle. Still holding his breath.

  ‘You want me.’ Her barely audible words were like a sledgehammer to the chest because she sounded so sad. So hopeless.

  ‘Yes.’ It was pointless to deny it, so he didn’t even try. He’d wanted her from the first moment he’d laid eyes on her, eighteen months before. If it made him pathetic, then so be it. He regretted nothing.

  She blinked again and more tears fell. ‘You shouldn’t want me. I’m not good for you.’

  He’d expected something like this, but it still hurt. ‘For me? Or for anyone?’

  ‘For anyone.’

  Okay. He could work with this. He hoped. He brushed his thumb over her chin, then her lower lip. ‘I have one question and I want an honest answer.’ When she opened her mouth to speak, he pressed his thumb over her lips, silencing her. ‘Please.’

  If he sounded desperate, he didn’t care. He was desperate.

  Her nod was nearly imperceptible, but the power of it made him weak in the knees. ‘Do you want me?’

  Once more he held his breath, waiting for her answer. Seconds ticked by as they remained frozen, him bent over the table, her looking up at him like she’d just lost her best friend.

  Then, just when he was about to straighten his spine and concede defeat, her eyes slid closed.

  And she nodded, her sorrow palpable.

  He hadn’t realized he could be full of joy and dread at the same time. ‘Why does this hurt you?’ he asked as gently as he could. His voice was a perpetual growl, but he didn’t want to growl at Dani. Never at Dani.

  She blinked her eyes open in surprise. ‘Me? Hurt me? I . . .’ She trailed off as her mismatched eyes flickered in sudden confusion. Then she licked her lips nervously as the confusion became regret. ‘I lost someone.’

  Diesel frowned, not having expected that explanation at all. He’d been sure she was going to cite her HIV status, and he was ready for that argument. He’d been ready ever since the doctors had told him to get tested after being exposed to her blood. ‘Who?’