Helping Mrs. Masters

by Jason Lenov

  Stef leaned back in her chair, obviously very amused to be seeing Bill again from the smug smile on her face. She folded her arms across her chest as she spoke. "Things are alright," she said with a bemused shrug.

  It stung hearing her say that, and not in the pleasant way. I knew all of this was new and we weren't that serious or anything, but I guess I expected at least a little more acknowledgement of our new... thing, whatever it was. Since Bill had walked up to the table she'd barely looked my way.

  "Anyways, we're being kinda' rude here," Bill said, glancing at me. "Sorry."

  "Hey it's alright. You guys go ahead and catch up." I smiled at both of them and only then did Stef seem to realize that she was being kind of rude by ignoring me because Bill was there.

  "Billy and I... used to be in a band together," Stef explained.

  "Oh. Cool." I nodded and went back to eating my food as slowly as I could. A silence descended on us that I had no intention of breaking, no matter how awkward it got.

  "Well, I should probably get going," Bill chimed in after a while.

  "Wait!" Stef said, grabbing his arm. "Where are you guys playing?"

  "Some place called the Pig's Wing," Bill replied.

  I knew immediately what kind of band they were, though I had no idea what they were doing this far north either. The Pig's Wing was probably the biggest dive in town. On the outskirts of town, it was almost a truck stop with strippers on the weekends catering to all the long haulers that stopped by on their way through.

  "Do you know where that is?" Stef asked.

  My heart sank a little because she seemed very intent on going to see Billy's band at this place. This was definitely not my idea of a good time but I didn't want to be a spoil sport about it before she even suggested so I just nodded and said "Uh-huh. Sure."

  Bill got up, shook my hand and was about to lean down and, I'm pretty sure, give Stef a kiss when he thought twice. He squeezed her shoulder instead and she shrugged a playful goodbye. "Maybe I'll see you around again sometime," he said.

  "You'll see me at the show!" Stef said cheerfully. "When is it, tonight?"

  "Tonight and tomorrow. Eight pm. Shots start at two bucks!" With that, Bill tipped his hat, then turned and walked out of Jeanine's.

  Stef sighed.

  I sat there trying not to make eye contact for a while, working through the rest of my home fries even though I was full, and letting her have her moment to reminisce about the past.

  I knew I shouldn't be jealous. Everyone had a history. I did, why shouldn't she? But I knew just from the way Bill was, from the way he talked to her and from the way he'd almost kissed her that her history was much different than mine.

  Part of me wanted nothing to do with it and part of me couldn't wait to find out.

  We didn't say much else at breakfast. Stef didn't eat any more of her food and when I was done I picked up the bill and we wandered out into the afternoon sun.

  "You want to go for a walk by the river maybe?" I asked as we started meandering towards the car.

  Stef took a moment to respond, meaning she was still lost in her thoughts about Bill and the past and whatever else. "Uh, sure..." she said, sounding a little reluctant.

  "We don't have to."

  "Huh? Oh, no Sammy, it's not that. I'm sorry, I'm spacing out aren't I?"

  "A little," I replied.

  "I'm sorry." She turned to me, then, let out a pouty sigh as she put her hands on my arms. "I'm sorry about all that in there. I'm sorry about Billy and then spacing out. I'm being inconsiderate aren't I?"

  It was nice to hear. Not just the apology but the acknowledgement that she had drifted off. "It's okay. I figured you had some stuff to think about."

  "Yeah. Yeah I did," Stef said, her eyes drifting towards the ground.

  I wasn't sure if she wanted to share what it was she'd been thinking about, or what secrets lay in her past and I didn't want to force the issue either. "Let's drive down to the river. If we feel like it, we can go for a walk."

  Stef smiled. She took me by the hand and we walked to the car.

  I opened the door and let her in, then ran around and got in on the driver's side.

  We drove in silence until we got to one of the many public parking lots by the rivers edge. I turned the car off and was just about to get out when Stef grabbed me by the arm.

  I looked over to see a worried expression on her face. I hadn't seen her look that particular mix of concerned and sad before.

  "Sammy," she said quietly. "We need to talk."

  Chapter 23

  "Why did you do that? Why did you do all that?" I stood leaning forward against the railing that kept people from going down to the river's edge. My heart was pounding and an electric energy was humming inside me at what Stef had just told me.

  "I don't know. I was young, my parents were never around. That's why I loved coming here in the summers. Laura was always so available when I was here. Her kids were all older than me and out of the house by the time I would come see her and I think she missed having them around. She liked having someone she could parent. I liked it too. It was nice."

  "Okay. That's nice, I mean, it really is, but what about all the stuff you just told me. The booze, the drugs, the parties... the guys?"

  Stef's shoulders sank. "I mean, it is what it is. It happened, like I said."

  "How many guys do you think you fucked?"

  Stef rolled her eyes, then shrugged. "Honestly... I was pretty high most of the time. A lot."

  Why did it matter? It didn't. Or it shouldn't have. Why did I care if Stef had been a little wild like Laura had said she had been. I didn't care when Laura told me, why should I care now?

  But the questions were just a foil. A foil because I knew what the answer was. Stef's past was all locked up now. It was something neither she or I or anyone else could change. I would just have to live with it, if it came to that. I would have to live with the fact that she'd been a drunken slut when she was younger. No matter how nice she was now or what was happening between us, there would always be that part of her life. It would never go away.

  "I want you to tell me how you're feeling."

  It was the last thing I expected to hear from her. How I was feeling? Had I heard right? "What do you mean?"

  "Exactly that," she said, leaning against the railing and looking across to the other river bank. "I want to know what you're feeling right now."

  It was disarming because of how sincere it was. I was almost at a loss for words. Almost. "I... don't know how to start this conversation."

  "Don't worry about that," she said quietly. "Just say what's on your mind."

  "I feel... I feel... I feel... strangely betrayed."

  "Betrayed?" she asked.

  "Betrayed but not by you, necessarily. By time, or something. I feel like the fact that I can't go back and help you take all that stuff back, help you not drink so much, help you not fuck all those guys... it makes me feel helpless. Not being able to do that. You know?"

  "Yeah. I guess I know."

  I wasn't sure if she wanted me to keep talking. She just kept staring across the river, her eyes looking like her mind was far away. I did anyways. "If you found something like that out about me, that I was some big player, would you have a problem with that?" I asked.

  She smiled and turned to look at me, the light reflecting off the water shimmering in her blue eyes. "I don't know, were you?"

  "No. I wasn't. I've had a few girlfriends but that's it."

  She sighed and her whole body seemed to sag a little. "So is that it? Too much betrayal because I fucked too much?" The question sounded like it had been answered many times already. None of them good.

  "I didn't say that."

  She raised an eye. "What are you saying?"

  "You asked me what I was thinking. That's what I was thinking."

  We stood in silence for a few minutes before she spoke up again. "You want to end this?"

  Something about h
er tone made it clear that I had to tread lightly here. No matter what I was feeling about what she'd told me, I knew that whatever my answer I couldn't let those feelings get mixed up in it. "I want to know about you."

  "Me?" she asked, a little puzzled.

  "I want to hear what you want."

  An uncomfortable smile spread across her lips as she shook her head. "I... you're really going to make me say this?"

  "I'm not sure what you're going to say."

  Our eyes met and I felt a warmth between us that hadn't been there before. Stef spoke quietly. "I told you how I felt. I told you how I felt the other night."

  The memory of Stef on my lap whispering to me that she was falling in love with me filled my mind. An ecstasy came with it that broke through the surface of our gloomy conversation. "I think I'm falling in love with you too," I said quietly.

  Stef gasped. The tiniest little breath as her mouth opened and her eyes went round. "Sammy," she whispered, "you don't have to... "

  "I know I don't have to anything. I felt it before you did, I think."

  She bit her lip and I wasn't sure whether it was to keep herself from crying or what. She turned and threw her arms around my chest.

  I wrapped her up in mine and we stood there for a while as joggers and people on bicycles and roller blades blew past. When she finally stopped hugging me and leaned back, she reached up and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

  "Sorry," she said, chuckling. "I never get like this."

  Suddenly she was a softer, more tender Stef. A Stef that it seemed like only I could know. If she never got like that, was I the first one? Was I the first one she'd told she was falling in love with? Could I at least claim that honor?

  I chided myself for thinking something so stupid. Here was a kick ass girl who I seemed to have a strange but undeniable attraction to. Why would I be worried about her past or what she'd done or who she'd loved or fucked? Even stranger was that I wanted to know everything. I wanted to spend an evening or many evenings listening to stories of the men she'd fucked.

  And you know what else? She still looked just as beautiful standing there by the river, but something about her being so vulnerable, so much more human and real, made my desire for her wane. Just a fraction. I still wanted her but it wasn't white hot lust anymore. It was fucked up.

  "You still want to try this?" she asked quietly, pulling me out of my head and back into the sunlight.

  "I want to try this."

  She smiled shyly and looked away. When she turned back to face me the smile was gone. "I'm going to stop fucking other guys. I promise."

  It was like a sidewinder missile that slammed right into my gut. I was about to start actually dating this girl and that was her big promise. Was I being a fucking schmuck? "W-why'd you say that?"

  The serious expression sank into concern. "What?" she asked. "What do you mean?"

  "I mean why'd you bring that up right now?"

  She shook her head, her mouth open as if she were at a loss for words. "I... I thought that's what you'd want to hear."

  Was it? I didn't feel like knew anything about myself anymore. "I just... I guess I just wanted to talk about, you know, those two nights? At the warehouse? Then with Allan? You know?"

  The concern furrowed into confusion. "Talk about what?"

  I let out a guffaw. "Uh, about what the hell that was all about? Maybe you're used to being a big slut but I'm not... I've never done anything like that." Something poked into my side, reminding me of my secret. Or lie, or whatever it was.

  "Oh," she said, seeming genuinely surprised. "I didn't realize that. I thought you were into that."

  "Well yeah, I got into at the time but... " I started but she cut me off.

  "No I thought you were like, into it, into it. Like full time."

  "What do you mean full time?" I asked.

  "Uh, just some guys are into that kind of stuff. I thought you were one of them."

  "Into watching their... " I stopped myself before I said it.

  "Yeah. Into watching their girlfriends fuck other guys." The way she said the word "girlfriend" almost sounded like a challenge.

  "Really?" I asked.

  "Really," she replied.

  This was news to me but made me feel a little less like a freak. "And you're into it?" I asked.

  "I just thought you thought it was hot."

  "I did!" I blurted, not even really knowing why. "I did think it was hot." Why? Why did I say that? It was true but why did I have to make sure she knew right then?

  She cracked another smile. "Oh. Okay. Then, good."

  My mind started racing again as I struggled to figure out where this conversation was going. There was so much I wanted to know about her but there was so much I felt like I needed to learn about myself first.

  Stef stepped toward me and pressed herself against my chest. "You know," she began with a smile and the Stef that had just been standing there, the one that was honest and vulnerable and gentle had disappeared, replaced by the Stef I'd first met. The one that liked to take control. "You know there's nothing wrong with it, right?"

  "What?" I asked. "Wrong with what?"

  "There's nothing wrong with wanting to watch your woman sleep with another guy." The way she said it made it clear that she was up to something. It made it clear that she had an agenda, a plan. She was spinning another web that I could choose to get stuck in if I wanted.

  I played right into her hands. "There isn't?" I whispered.

  "Unh-uh," she replied shaking her head, her expression an innocent pout. "Nothing at all."

  So much started running through my head again that I could barely keep it straight. Even standing there by the river with Stef staring at me, my cock started getting hard thinking about the possibilities. "Have you done it before?" I asked.

  The question made her brow arch but her smile stayed. "Maybe once or twice," she answered, her smile turning sly. "Would you like to hear about it?"

  This was the curious thing. The answer was a double-edged sword. Of course I didn't want to hear about it. Who wants to hear about the woman they're becoming involved with sleeping with guys... in front of other guys?

  Me. That's who. Even though I didn't want to hear it, I wanted desperately to know. "Will you tell me?" I asked.

  Stef's expression took on a wicked delight. She ran her finger down my shirt, watching it weave between buttons before looking up at me again. "What if I showed you instead?"

  "Showed me?" Hadn't she already done that? Hadn't I already watched as Allan fucked her mouth and that guy at the club sucked on her tits? What else was there to see? "What are you talking about?"

  Stef bit her lip. "Well, the thing is, Billy and Boys always kind of had a thing for me." She looked up at me out of the corner of her eye.

  My heart froze in terror. So that was the history. That was what had made things with Billy so weird at the dinner.

  Billy and the Boys. I could only imagine what a band of hillbillys looked like fucking the woman I was holding in my arms. The woman I'd told I was falling in love with not too long ago. "What happened with them?" I said, barely able to breathe.

  Stef chuckled and shook her head. "What didn't happen would probably be an easier question to answer," she laughed.

  I felt rooted to the ground. As Stef's laugh tapered off in front of me I felt like I would never be able to move again. Was I really contemplating this? Seeing her with those other guys had been fun but there had been no strings attached. How could this possibly end well if we were going to try and... be a couple?

  "Having second thoughts?" she asked. Her smile had faded but she seemed earnest. "It's okay if you are."

  "I... " I was on the cusp of telling her I was. I could have done it, too. I could have just said that it was too much and it was all fun when we were just fooling around but if we were serious then... "No."

  It felt like the word dropped out of my mouth on its own. Like something had pushed it out.r />
  "No?" she asked, eyes widening, mouth hopeful.

  "No. I want to see it."

  I saw an energy take hold of her. Her body changed shape. She stood up a little taller and her breasts pressed out and she clasped her hands together in front of her chest. "Sammy," she whispered, "you are going to love this."

  I shuddered inside at how sinister it sounded but out of that moment, a thought solidified. If I was going to do this, if I was really going to let Stef show me how bad she could be, I needed something, some way to stay in control in case things went off the rails. I needed to have something that was still mine.

  The answer became obvious almost right away. Even though I knew it was wrong, I wasn't going to tell her about Laura. I was going to keep it to myself. If there came a time when I needed to use it, I could. Otherwise, I would take my chances and hope it didn't get out. There was no other way. It felt like the only protection I had against my heart getting completely crushed.

  Chapter 24

  The Pigs Wing was as big of a dive as I remembered it. Grizzled truckers with long white bears, the tops yellowed with tobacco stains sat around dirty tables drinking piss-yellow beer out of greasy mugs.

  The faint stench of piss seemed to permeate the whole place and got stronger as we walked "backstage." Backstage was a room not much bigger than a closet covered with a tattered old curtain.

  As soon as we stepped in I started having second thoughts. Stef shrieked and threw her arms around Billy's neck again. As soon as the others realized who she was, they all stood up and took their turns giving her greetings of varying intimacy. A couple of them kissed her on the cheek, one on the neck, and one guy even gave her ass a pat as he stared into her eyes and told her how much he'd missed her.

  I stood quietly in the corner, unable to take my eyes off of what was happening or bring any attention to myself.

  It wasn't until Billy noticed me that he sort of shot me a funny look. "It's Sam, right?" he asked.

  The other guys quieted down and I managed a weak smile. "Yeah. Sam."

  "Hey boys," Billy said, still holding onto Stef's arm, "this is Sam. Stef's... boyfriend?"