Apathetic God

by Ian Withrow

  “Then, after Gabriel…”

  Lauren tensed, here at last was the phrase she’d waited for all morning. For years really. Was she ready to hear her mother’s words? Her excuses? She doubted it. Allison opened her mouth, tried to speak, but couldn’t bring herself to make a sound. Instead she stood unsteadily and made a beeline for the kitchen. Lauren let her go, keenly aware of the cabinet doors opening roughly and slamming shut as her mother ransacked the kitchen.

  The longer her fruitless search went on, the more pathetic it became. Finally Lauren rose as well and followed the sounds to the kitchen, arriving just in time to watch her mother pull the vodka from the back of the refrigerator.

  “Allison…”

  Allison stopped, her back turned to her daughter. She paused a moment, spun the cap off the bottle and took a long slow pull. Instantly she seemed more at ease, less shaky. With a big, shoulder-lifting sigh she faced Lauren once again.

  “Lauren I lied to myself every day of the pregnancy. Some days I told myself it would be alright, and others I told myself that I didn’t care if it wasn’t alright. What if I had another ‘gifted’ child? Could I handle it? Maybe I was better off if something ‘happened,’ you know?”

  Lauren took an involuntary step backwards. She flinched at the external echoing of her own morbid thoughts. Allison mistook her reaction for disgust and dropped her head in shame.

  “I know. I never dreamed how wrong I could be. Gabriel brought your father and I together in a way that just… hadn’t happened with you. Not through any fault of yours, but because here we had a kid that needed us. And then the day he died, God the day he died might have been the hardest day of my life. I just, broke.”

  “Where did you go, though? You just left, abandoned us without a word.”

  “Honestly I don’t remember the first few weeks. I was so drunk I’m not sure where I was or what I did. My first sober memory was waking up in a ditch outside Woodstock in the pouring rain, off the side of the road in my totalled car. I remember a state police officer cutting my seatbelt and pulling me out of the car, booking me and driving me to the station.”

  Lauren was surprised, the nonchalant manner in which her mother recounted the potentially fatal accident was far from normal. The pair stood awkwardly in the kitchen for a while, neither overly eager to continue the conversation it seemed.

  “Anyway, I was too drunk to speak clearly but once they found out who I was they seemed pretty unsure what to do. I was still in holding a few days later when Jim showed up, flashed his badge, and had me in the back of his SUV in a matter hours. He told me he was taking me to the city to get some help, reached out to the diocese, and had me linked up with the church that evening.”

  Allison took another swig from the bottle she held in her now-steady hands. Lauren briefly considered suggesting she put it down, but the hypocrisy of it prevented her. There was something about this old house that made her feel young and unsure again. Maybe it was Allison? Maybe it was the weight of her childhood or the unrealized dreams that pervaded the air. Whatever it was, it was stifling.

  “I think I need some air. I’m going to go for a run, will you… will you be alright here while I’m gone?”

  Allison put a hand on her heart, overwhelmed by Lauren’s simple question. She could only manage a weak nod, and Lauren didn’t stick around long enough for her to recover her voice. Instead, she turned crisply and stepped back out into the rain.

  The warm air conspired with the cold rain to fill the forest with faint, wispy curls of mist. Lauren ventured out into the once-familiar foliage along a now overgrown path. Her bare feet padded carelessly across rocks, branches, and mud with equal comfort and ease.

  The long-remembered sounds of birdsong and buzzing insects were either missing or simply drowned out by the rainfall around her. Dripping leaves and low, rumbling thunder filled her ears and swept her mind away as she strolled through the woods.

  It had been so long since Lauren really walked somewhere. She couldn’t recall the last time she had gone anywhere on foot purely for the fun of it, she certainly didn’t know the last time she’d been for a run. Flying had long ago replaced running as her favorite pastime and therapy of choice, but the nostalgia of this place beckoned her. She picked up her pace, splashing through the muddy trails at a speed that would have made her younger self green with jealousy.

  Her muscles were stronger, her body seemingly impervious to not only the rain but any passing branch that reached out to slow her progress. She thought back to her youth, recalling a time when such things posed an actual threat, albeit a temporary one. Lauren lifted a hand and ran her finger gently across her cheek, tracing the line of a forgotten cut.

  Lauren was so wrapped up in her own thoughts as she ran that she very nearly stumbled into a pair of hikers. Her incredibly acute hearing picked up the sounds of bickering just in time. She was travelling too quickly to stop in the mud, so she simply leapt upwards. With a gentle assist from her wings, she landed as softly as she could in the upper branches of a large sugar maple. The branches shook, sending a deluge of water down onto the trail as two raincoat clad figures rounded the bend.

  “Well, I’m telling you we’re off track.”

  The woman’s voice, emerging from the hood of her purple jacket, was heavy with irritation. The man behind her was nearly a foot taller and dressed in what appeared to be military surplus rain gear.

  “Honey, we’re not off track. There was a blaze a quarter mile back and we have been following the directions perfectly-”

  “Well then where is this damn house you’re insisting on seeing? We’ve been ‘nearly there’ for two hours.”

  Lauren could pick out the scowl on his shadowed face and hear the faint whisper of his sigh before he responded.

  “Yes dear, we’re going more slowly because of the mud. I told you it’s not about time it’s about pace count and I still put us at least two miles out.”

  Lauren raised a silent eyebrow. Where they talking about her house? And if so, why? She contemplated dropping down to ask them, but Caroline’s warning was still fresh enough in her mind to convince her not to. Nonetheless, she found the exchange below quite engaging.

  The woman huffed along grumpily, her almost comically large backpack leaning ever-so-slightly off kilter to the left. She had a pair of stout walking poles, but in the mud they seemed as much a hindrance as a help.

  The man on the other hand had his pack positioned carefully in the middle of his back and seemed much more at ease under its weight. Lauren began to reconsider whether his gear was surplus, or simply the heirloom of a previous career.

  As Lauren watched from her perch she saw one of the woman’s walking poles slip precariously, sending her tumbling to her knees in the muck.

  “God damn it!”

  Her companion whipped around, instantly at her side to help her up.

  “Are you ok? Let me grab your back-”

  “I already told you, you’re not carrying my damn pack. I’m not gonna be like those bimbos at the Grand Canyon making their boyfriends carry their shit for them.”

  The man, suitably chastised, helped her to her feet. Her legs were absolutely covered in mud. The pair stood quietly for a few moments while the woman fumed and the man did his best to not interfere.

  “Hey.”

  The lady glared at him.

  “What.”

  “I fuckin’ love you.”

  She cracked a smile and rolled her eyes.

  “I fuckin’ love you too. Let’s find this stupid house.”

  “Ok, you’re sure you are ready to go? We can take a breather…”

  “Come on, weren’t you in the Army? You need a break already?”

  The woman laughed, a rich, vibrant sound, and set off down the trail.

  “You know what I meant dear.”

  He hustled after her.

  “If we aren’t there in an hour, I’ll give you a backrub tonight!”

  Her la
ughter intensified.

  “Oh honey, you’re doing that regardless…”

  Lauren watched the two until they were out of sight. The man, whoever he was, was correct. The couple were still approximately two miles from her childhood home, though Lauren was sure they’d be there in less than an hour. More like 30 minutes at their current pace.

  That didn’t give her much time to get back and make sure that Allison knew to keep her mouth shut. Lauren’s heart suddenly pounded with fear. What if Allison said something? What if she got too drunk to control herself? Lauren’s cover could be blown in a heartbeat.

  Lauren spread her wings and leapt into the air. Better to skim the treetops and risk being seen than to let them beat her home. A few minutes of flight time later and Lauren was approaching the clearing around her house. As she crested the last of the trees, the pine needles just inches below her collarbone, she pulled herself into a tight circle and cursed under her breath.

  A shiny green sedan was sitting, half-covered in mud, in their driveway. She could pick out rental plates on the front of it, and no one was in sight. She hovered a moment and then dropped into the trees, perching like some great crow as she peered at the house.

  Damnit.

  Lauren knew she was in trouble. She’d left her mother hungover at best, still half-drunk most likely, and actively consuming straight vodka. In short, she was screwed and she knew it.

  Lauren squinted as movement passed in front of one of the windows. Her keen eyesight picked out her mother and a stranger, another woman. From her vantage point she could only seen the guest from her midsection down, she was wearing a forest green top and a pair of jeans. Whoever it was, her mother seemed to be carrying on a very animated conversation with her. Allison was laughing, gesturing widely, and kept looking out the window almost… expectantly?

  With every passing moment Lauren grew more nervous. There was a growing knot in her stomach that refused to dissolve. A minute ticked by, then another. She was going to be caught, the question was simply whether or not it would be by the stranger already here, or the two on the trail headed her way.

  Lauren strained her ears, but the storm made it impossible for her to pick anything out from where she sat. Finally, the women moved again. The stranger joined Allison by the window, both of them gazing out into the woods. Lauren caught sight of a mess of walnut curls and her jaw dropped to the floor.

  Valerie.

  With her mother.

  Together.

  In her house.

  Lauren’s heart did a wild backflip and then stopped dead. She leapt from the tree and swooped down to the door in a flash. Lauren yanked on the door just a little too hard, tearing it unintentionally from the hinges.

  “Hi!”

  Lauren cringed at how squeaky her voice sounded and her entire face flushed scarlet. Her eyes were wide, nervous pools, sending a million unspoken questions to her.. friend? Lover? Ex?

  “Hi honey, was your walk good? I was just catching up with your friend, Ms… Prescott was it?”

  Lauren forced a wide smile and forgot how to breath.

  “Please, call me Vicki.Yes, uh Lauren I was just telling your mum how we met while you were touring in Europe and became good friends!”

  Valerie gave her a meaningful look and a sly wink behind Allison’s back.

  “Yes Ve-she and I are friends! This is my friend, mom!”

  Brilliant.

  She was being weird, she could feel it.

  Too weird?

  Too weird.

  “Uh yes, um, that’s what she was saying. A-are you ok? You look really flushed and red.”

  “I was flying!”

  Allison raised an eyebrow at her daughter’s obvious statement, clearly wondering if the three words were all she should expect.

  Be casual.

  “V-Vicki and I um, we have a lot to catch up on. Vicki, can I speak to you in private for a moment? Please?”

  “Of course!”

  Valerie’s bright, peppy attitude and poorly disguised accent were at once unbearably adorable and terrifyingly obvious to Lauren. Allison, on the other hand, seemed genuinely not to notice. Lauren flashed a too-wide smile at her mother, grabbed Valerie by the hand, and whisked her away into the kitchen.

  “What are yo-”

  Valerie halted her hushed whisper with a deep, warm kiss. Lauren was too shocked to respond right away, but Valerie threw her arms around her neck and lifted herself up to wrap her legs around Lauren’s midsection.

  Instinctively, Lauren returned the embrace, supporting her companion and adding her own fire to the kiss. After several moments Valerie finally came up for air, her eyes sparkling and her lipstick smeared across one cheek.

  “I missed you so m-”

  It was Lauren’s turn to interrupt, and she took it with gusto. She turned to the wall and pressed Valerie up against the light blue drywall. She ignored the thump they caused, enraptured by Valerie’s suddenly arched back and the way their bodies pressed warmly together.

  Lauren snaked an arm up Valerie’s side and pulled gently at her hair, revealing her neck and moving her lips there. Her attention drew a whisper-quiet half-moan, half gasp and she felt Valerie’s fingers gripping her own hair in return.

  “Hey, I heard something go bang, is everythin- Oh my God! I’m so sorry!”

  Allison’s voice jolted the pair like lightning and Lauren took a wide step backwards. She lost her footing, stumbled, and fell. Her bottom impacted the linoleum with enough force to make an embarrassingly loud crash, but she managed to save Valerie. In fact, she was holding Valerie up rather comically in her outstretched hands.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Allison looked like a fish out of water, her cheeks as scarlet as those of her daughter. She seemed unsure of whether to stay or go. To speak or remain silent.

  “I am so sorry. I didn’t. I’m just. I think maybe I should. I’m gonna go now!”

  Lauren was mortified.

  Allison turned and rushed from the room, leaving the two women staring at each other, cheeks burning in embarrassment.

  “Oh my god, oh my god!”

  Lauren couldn't seem to form any other sentence. she was exchanging a wide-eyed look of disbelief with the woman she cupped in her hands like a doll. Valerie was equally stunned, seemingly incapable of producing any sound at all.

  A can rattling in the next room, no doubt kicked by Lauren’s mother in her haste to leave the awkward situation behind, startled Valerie into action at last.

  “Wait!”

  Lauren looked at Valerie in alarm, what did she mean ‘wait?’ What could there possibly be to say? Shouldn’t they talk about this first?

  “Wait, please!”

  Valerie scrambled to her feet, extending a hand and yanking Lauren upright as well. She took a brief moment to smooth her shirt and tuck her hair behind her ears before heading for the doorway.

  “Ms. Corvidae?”

  Valerie pulled up short as Allison poked her head back around the wall, her eyes anywhere but the two of them. She had a weak, nervous smile on her face and her entire face was a deep red.

  Valerie took a deep breath and cleared her throat softly. She extended a hand towards Allison, her other arm firmly around Lauren’s shoulders.

  “Hello, I’m Valerie Chatwick. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  Allison’s gaze rose uncertainly to the level of the outstretched hand, then further to Valerie’s flushed, nervous face. She took a step around the corner, her reluctance obvious.

  Valerie’s gesture went unreciprocated for several long, silent seconds. Lauren widened her eyes at her mother, looking pointedly from her to Valerie’s outstretched hand. Allison caught her cue and hastily grabbed for Valerie’s hand before she could change her mind and retract it.

  “Yes, um, yes right. Valerie. I knew you looked familiar, I believe I saw you on the news?”

  Awkward.

  Lauren coughed lightly, quite certain that Valerie would
prefer to be recognized in any other context. The handshake between the two seemed to stretch far past any normal greeting, each party apparently unwilling to break first. Finally Allison pulled her hand back, letting it hang limply at her side.

  “L-Lauren is this your, uh…g-girl...friend?”

  Emboldened by Valerie’s courage, and the gentle squeeze of Valerie’s arm, Lauren set her jaw tightly and nodded. Something inside her was building, preparing to burst forth.

  “Yes. Yes, mom, it is.”

  Allison nodded slowly, eyes slightly narrowed. Lauren could practically hear the gears in her head whirring and see smoke pouring from her ears.

  “Ok. So, you two are, uh, seeing each other… romantically?”

  Lauren’s superhuman hearing heard Valerie’s breath catch as she drew it in, heard the beat skip in her heart and felt the tremor in her fingertips.

  “Yes. And if you have a prob-”

  Lauren was interrupted by a massive bear hug from her mother. The gesture deflated the self-righteous anger in her breast and took her utterly by surprise.

  “Oh sweetie I’m so happy for you. For both of you!”

  Lauren exchanged a stunned look with Valerie, who was trapped in Allison’s embrace alongside her. Valerie face was impossible to read, a cocktail of surprise, joy, and was it… anger? Sadness? Lauren could see her eyes tear up and felt her own follow suit.

  The tension evaporated, mostly, and within moments all three were crying, laughing, or both.

  “Y-you’re not…?”

  “Mad? Upset? Oh Lauren don’t be ridiculous! I’ve worried for so long that you’d have trouble finding… companionship. With your gift I knew it was going to be harder for you, and it isn’t always easy for the rest of us!”

  “You don’t care that your daughter is gay?”

  Valerie’s question was sharp, accusatory, skeptical. The warmth in the room cooled a bit.

  “Valerie!”

  Lauren quirked an eyebrow at her lover, what was that about?

  To everyone’s surprise, Allison burst out laughing.

  “Oh sweetie, my daughter has fucking wings. She cures the sick with some kind of magical power. You honestly think gay is going to upset me?”