The Kingdom Journals Complete Series Box Set

by Tricia Copeland

  “You put twenty crazy teens together, and you don’t expect crazy?”

  “I guess.” I chuckled.

  “So, what are you in for?”

  I sucked in a deep breath. “Schizophrenia.”

  “Whoa, like Jude. That’s serious stuff.”

  “I guess. It seems to be under control now.”

  “That’s good.”

  We finished chopping the fruit in silence, and I moved on to scrambling the eggs. I’d never been a big breakfast eater, and by the time we’d finished, my small appetite had vanished. In line, I chose a slice of bread and fruit.

  “Perhaps you should have some protein with that.” Dr. Antos’s voice came from behind me. I picked up a carton of milk from the table and shook it. “That’s better.” He smiled. “Got to keep our bodies strong.”

  After the meal, we finished our coursework and broke for the team activities. I was glad I’d taken Dr. Antos’s advice, as they had us packing ice climbing gear for a hike to the nearest ice flow. We were paired with another team, but unfortunately not the one Frida had joined.

  “Missing Frida?” Jude asked as he fell into step with me.

  “A little. She is good company.”

  “I’m not that bad.”

  “I didn’t mean—”

  “I know. Frida’s easy to talk to. Well, I guess it’s more of a listening process.”

  “That’s true.”

  Our steps fell into sync, with me taking two for his one. Even though few words passed between us, I liked the security of having a known entity beside me. The thought caused me to let out an involuntary chuckle.

  “What?”

  “Oh, sorry.”

  “You’re not going to tell me what you were thinking?”

  My face warmed, and I looked to the rising sun. “I hadn’t planned on it.”

  “Okay.” His eyes cut to the sky and back to me. “So, what if we play a game? It seems you don’t like talking about yourself, so what if I tell you something about me, and then you do the same? I’ll start. I like to lift weights.”

  “You didn’t give me time to tell you whether I wanted to play or not.”

  “Suck it up, buttercup.”

  “Fine. You have very bronze skin.”

  “What?” He stopped walking.

  “You said I do the same, so I am telling you something about you.”

  “Argh. Never mind.” The edges of his lips turned down.

  “Sorry. It was a joke.” I leaned over so my face was in front of him. “I run cross country.”

  “You said that to the whole group the first day.” He rolled his eyes.

  “Okay, I have a brother a year older than me, like exactly, June 21. My dad calls us the children of light because we were born on the summer solstice.”

  “So, I’m thinking he’s a bit of a spiritualist.”

  “Yeah, I guess. He and my mom split when I was little. She calls him a gypsy.”

  Jude laid his hand over his chest. “Well, I’m from L.A., as you know. I live with my grandparents. My dad is sort of a gypsy too, I guess.”

  “Yeah, why do you say that?”

  “He moves for his job a lot.”

  “What about your mom?” I glanced down at the path and then back to his face.

  “She lives on this holistic communal farm.”

  We walked on in silence a few minutes. “It’s kind of funny that my mom calls my dad a gypsy. We’ve moved like six times trying to find a healthy place for me to live.”

  “And Reykjavik was it?” He lifted his eyebrows.

  “Up until six weeks ago.”

  “Sorry about that.”

  “Hey, that’s life. We all have our struggles, right?”

  “I had no clue I had this schizophrenia thing until a couple of months ago. Dr. Antos thinks it’s because of hormones or something, like adult onset.”

  “Is your bracelet helping?” I held up my bracelet.

  “I haven’t had an episode since I put mine on.”

  Wondering what kind of life I’d have with a fellow schizophrenic, I pondered meeting someone normal. Would they always be worried I would relapse? If I was with someone else who was sick, would I think about it all the time?

  “The sun’s coming up.” Jude pointed to the sky.

  “Behind a bank of clouds.”

  “That’s the first negative thing I’ve heard you say all week.”

  “Sorry, I don’t like thinking about my disease.”

  He leaned down to look me in the eyes. “Hey, no apologies. We’re all in the same boat. Your words.” He pointed at me and spun in the direction we’d been headed, taking faster strides away from me.

  Spinning around, I realized we were the last of the pack, and I increased my speed. Near the glacier the clouds cleared, and the sun reflecting off the ice and snow blinded me. We sat along the edge and fitted our crampons onto our shoes. Venturing out onto the surface of the ice flow, I spun to view the walls of white stretching into the intense blue sky.

  Making our way into the ice canyon, we rounded a bend to find a wall fitted with ropes. A gust of wind blew strands of hair across my face, and I looked up to see the sun disappear behind the clouds. Shivering, I secured my wool cap on my head. The cliff loomed at least thirty feet high in front of me, and I wondered what I had been thinking when I signed up for this.

  My brother Tyler loved stuff like this, but with a neurotic mother, I’d had little exposure to rugged terrain. Hiking and running I loved, anything with my feet planted on the ground worked. But climbing was not my thing. Hanging back, I studied the ascent.

  “This is awesome.” Jude picked up his pace and made it to the wall first. Turning around, his eyes scanned the crowd until he found me. He motioned for me to join him, and I inched to his side. “We’re partners, right?”

  “Sure,” I said, thinking humiliation eminent.

  After one leader scaled the climb, Allen asked for volunteers to go first. Jude’s hand shot up, and I looked to the ground. All I wanted was to be in my warm tent right then.

  Using a pick and the spikes on his shoes, he scaled the wall with ease. I clicked into the ropes and placed my gloves on the ice, studying the cliff. Heights weren’t my problem. I could stand on the top of a high building with a substantial railing in front of me all day. What I was terrified of was falling.

  “You good?” came Allen’s voice.

  I swallowed and nodded. Focus on the top, one step at a time, I told myself as I buried my pick in the ice and hoisted myself up a foot. For two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight steps, it worked.

  “You’re doing great! Almost a third of the way there!” Allen called from below.

  I clenched my jaw thinking it would have been better for him to say nothing.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “Yes.” I looked down at him and realized just how far I’d climbed.

  Gazing up to the top, all my muscles seized. I couldn’t make it. What had I been thinking? Why didn’t I stay home? Facing all the kids at school was far better than this.

  Jude appeared beside me. “What’s up, Cami?”

  I forced a smile. “I hate to be called Cami. You know that.”

  “Well, I had to get some reaction out of you. Are you still with us?”

  “Yeah, I’m here.”

  “So, what’s up?” he asked.

  Tears started to form in my eyes, and I squinted to try and clear them.

  “What are you thinking?” he coaxed.

  “That I’d rather be at school than here right now.”

  “That’s your worst fear?” His large eyes peered into mine. “You know all these challenges are to just get us to have enough courage to face our biggest fears. If you’re on a cliff and thinking school would be better than this, I’m thinking you don’t have huge anxiety issues.”

  “So, the fact that you scaled this like it was nothing means you don’t have any fears?”

  “No,
it just means I’m not scared of falling, which I’m guessing you are. Should we make it a race?” He drove his pick in the ice above us.

  “Why would I race you? There’s no way I’d win.”

  “You’re a competitive person. I thought I’d give it a shot.” He pulled himself up to his pick and looked back at me.

  “I’m not a competitive person,” I told him.

  “You want people to think well of you, and you run cross country, so you are.”

  “Since when are you such a psychiatric authority?”

  “Since I have a photographic memory.” He tapped his temple and took another step up.

  I slammed my pick in the ice above my head and took a step. “So, you’ve got everyone, including me, figured out just like that.”

  “Pretty much. You don’t like people to think you’re crazy.”

  Climbing until we were eye level, I stopped. “I don’t care what people think.”

  “You don’t want to be labeled as crazy.” He proceeded up the cliff.

  My anger fueled me upward. “Nobody wants to be crazy.”

  “Some people do. They like to stand out. Not you, you want to blend in, be invisible.”

  “I don’t want to be invisible.”

  With one more step, he grabbed the top of the ledge and hoisted himself up.

  “It’s not a big deal.” He offered me his hand as I pulled myself over the edge. “Most introverts do.”

  If he hadn’t gotten me up the ice cliff, I would’ve decked him.

  “I figure you’re not going to talk to me for a couple of days, but you made it up the cliff.”

  “Leave me alone.” I walked away from him and bent over, catching my breath. Hating that my desire to kiss him rivaled the urge to hit him, I pulled my water bottle from my pack. Why was he so darn handsome?

  Hating that I had to apologize, I made my way back over to the edge where he and the guide were coaching the next person up.

  “You forgive me yet?” he asked.

  “Yeah, thanks, and I’m sorry.”

  “It was all just a ploy to get you unstuck. The guide figured I knew you better than anyone.”

  “I can’t believe I made it.”

  “It’s all in the head.”

  I couldn’t look down and watch the others climb up, so I lay my pack on the ice and sat on it to wait. It must’ve been a good hour before everyone made it up. We ate lunch and continued our hike. I wanted to enjoy it more, but kept thinking about going back down the ice wall.

  “I would say you’re quiet, but you never say much,” Jude said as we stood overlooking the glacier.

  “Tell me more about you.”

  He laughed. “Excellent diversion tactics, but I will oblige you. I like science and engineering.”

  “Want to do you want to do in college?”

  “Assuming these things are permanent—” he held up his wrists “—probably electronics or communication. So, what about you? Are you staying in Iceland? Is it going to be your forever home?”

  “I don’t know. It’s beautiful here, and the people are nice. But I like the sun and warm weather.”

  “So, I’m guessing not. What year are you in school?”

  “Senior.” I kicked a pebble away.

  “Yeah, me too.”

  Hearing a whistle, we made our way back to the group. My desire to kiss him waned with the reminder of our shared problems. I wondered if he hallucinated and realized he probably wouldn’t want to kiss a deranged lunatic like me anyway.

  “So, the hardest part will be the first step over the edge. After that it’ll be a piece of cake,” Jude commented as we reached the descent. “Want to go down together?”

  Thinking I was primed for another embarrassing performance, I agreed. We checked our gear and sat on the ledge, my heart pounding in my chest. A helicopter, spaceship, teleporter, anything would have been preferable to lowering myself over the side. Jude rolled onto his chest and slid out of sight. I turned over onto my stomach, took a deep breath, and thought that dying might even be preferable to the next step I had to take.

  “I’ve got your line. You’re only going two feet,” Allen said to me.

  “I’m going to beat you down,” came Jude’s voice from below.

  There was no way back but down. Fine, I thought, my stomach clenching into knots, and I counted one, two, three and pushed off and away from the cliff. Jutting out and then back to the cliff, my spikes pierced the ice a few feet above Jude.

  “I knew you could do it.” His smile stretched across his face.

  Why was I attracted to him? Because he talked to me? Because he was good looking? I thought to rebuke myself for the thoughts, but they were a distraction. Was it just because I knew I couldn’t act on the attraction? Was it that we’d never see each other again? I’d never had a boyfriend. Hadn’t even been on a date. Every time I liked someone I thought about my track record with moves and medication and talked myself out of acting on the feelings. So, what did I fear? Not ever being truly happy, fulfilled? Never loving or being loved?

  “You did it.” Jude offered his hand as I neared the bottom.

  Ignoring his palm in front of me, I unhooked from the ropes and jumped to the ice below. “And I didn’t die.” We walked away from the edge to make space for the other campers. “So, you’ve done this stuff before?”

  “Not ice climbing, but I go to a rock climbing gym about once a week.”

  “My upper body strength is severely lacking.” I rotated my arms, stretching out my shoulders.

  We milled around the ice, waiting for the others to descend. Finding swirls and patterns in the ice, I took out my camera and switched out the lens.

  “Whoa. You’re brave having that thing here. No wonder you were worried about falling. You sleep with it under your pillow?”

  “I couldn’t resist bringing it.”

  “May I?” He held his hand out.

  “Sure.” I gave him the camera.

  Taking it, he pointed it at me. I covered the lens with my palm. “Hey, that’s my storage.”

  “Fine.” He passed the device back to me.

  I aimed it at him, and he laughed. “The trip and person you never want to remember. That guy that accused you of being competitive, introverted, and lacking in the fears category.”

  “I didn’t puke or faint, so there’s that.” I clicked the shutter as he smiled at me.

  We played around with the camera, snapping pictures of everyone as we hiked back.

  “Yeah, you’re going to be voted most annoying.” George grumbled. “I think I liked you better when you weren’t talking.”

  Jude made a funny expression, mimicking George, and I busted out laughing. “We’re supposed to be having fun, right?” I stifled my giggle.

  At the camp, we stowed the ice gear and made our way to our respective tents.

  “So, you and Jude?” Asa commented as I set my pack on the cot.

  “What?” Frida jumped up.

  “No, not me and Jude. He’s nice. That’s all.”

  “Looked like it to me,” Inga put in.

  “Good thing I have my spies.” Frida plopped down on my bed.

  “We can’t be friends? You’re friends with him too,” I told her.

  “We were the three musketeers until they split us up.” Frida frowned.

  “Don’t pout. I still love you.” I squeezed Frida’s shoulders.

  We played cards until my four o’clock session with Dr. Antos.

  “Am I supposed to be figuring out what my biggest fear is?” I asked him as soon as I sat down.

  “Well knowing your fears helps you address them. Adolescents your age, with the transition of leaving high school looming, have many fears naturally. A person with mental health issues would have additional worries. What needs to be explored is if you have any deep-seated fears that are causing your hallucinations.”

  “Like abandonment or something like that?”

  “Yes. I want
to finish going through your hallucinations, and then we’ll talk more about fears.”

  “Okay.” I took a huge breath and started my story up where we’d left off the previous day.

  “I’m told you and Jude are becoming quite close,” Dr. Antos said as he walked me to the tent door at the end of our session.

  “He’s nice. He helped me on the ice wall.” I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant.

  “I’m glad you’ve bonded with someone. These camps can get long if you don’t find a friend.”

  “He’s really smart. Frida is nice too.”

  “Yes, he’s quite perceptive.” Dr. Antos chuckled. “And Frida is quite a handful. I imagine you’re a good influence on her.”

  I headed towards the mess tent, wondering if Dr. Antos would ask Jude about me and whether Frida influenced me more than I did her. I wouldn’t have gotten close to Jude if it weren’t for her. Being with him stirred feelings I couldn’t act on and roused my relationship issues. I didn’t get close to people, not really. I’d set up a boundary years back, thinking that any day the meds would stop working and we’d be moving again. I always had Mom and Tyler, and I’d made them enough.

  Seeing Jude load a rare piece of meat onto his plate, Alena’s choice of rare steak flitted through my memory. I didn’t like thinking of eating animals, and I forced my attention to the vegetable option. Mom discouraged me from being a vegetarian, and I had acquiesced. Everywhere else we’d lived, abstaining from meat would have made me stick out. In Iceland, it seemed to be popular with the girls at school, and as I had a strict anti-trend policy, so stuck to my preferred white meats and fish for protein.

  “No steak for you?” Frida pointed at my plate of chicken breast, potatoes, and broccoli as I sat down beside her. “Not that much of a red meat person?”

  “Not really.” I crinkled my nose.

  “I’m not taking it as far as him?” She pointed to the pool of blood atop Jude’s meat. “But I love me a good cow.”

  Watching Jude eat his meal, I couldn’t help but compare him to Alena. It made me wonder what Jude’s hallucinations were like. What did other people with schizophrenia see?

  “Earth to Camille,” Frida interrupted my train of thought. “You eating? Don’t you have gear to organize?” She bumped her shoulder to mine.