The Crush

by Ward , Penelope

  “So…” Kellianne said. “Jace was telling me how he happened to be driving by and decided to check things out.” She gave me a look that made me want to tell her to cut the shit.

  I knew what she was thinking. But I also knew this could’ve had more to do with Jace acting as a spy on Nathan’s behalf than anything else.

  Jace looked anxiously around the room, like he was expecting the morality police to show up any minute and cart him away.

  I’d been so emotional earlier today as I sat alone in that café, angry at my inability to control my feelings, my inability to move on from the impossible situation of wanting someone I couldn’t have. My emotions had made me a little crazy, I guess. (Well, crazier than usual.) Over dinner with Kellianne, I’d decided I was going to get up on stage tonight come hell or high water, and I’d stuck to that promise. But because I’d kept waffling, I’d been the last person to speak. Jace had somehow made it just in time.

  Eventually, Kellianne stood up from her chair. “I’m gonna get going. You coming with me or—”

  “I’m taking her home,” Jace said.

  “I figured. Just didn’t want to be presumptuous.” She wriggled her brows at me.

  I wished she wasn’t so damn obvious.

  After Kellianne left, Jace turned to me. “Ready to get out of here?”

  “Yeah.”

  I sipped the last of my drink until the straw made a slurping sound. Then Jace led the way out the door.

  The weather had cooled down a lot, and a swift breeze blew my hair around. Jace disarmed the truck and opened the passenger door for me. I settled into my seat and pulled the seatbelt over myself.

  He started the truck and backed out of the space. He seemed to be driving slower than normal when he turned to me.

  “I don’t want Nathan to know I was with you tonight, okay? I’m gonna drop you off at the corner of our street so he doesn’t see my truck.”

  “Where are you gonna go?”

  “I’ll just drive around for a while.”

  “Why do you not want Nathan to see us together?”

  Jace sighed. “He told me he didn’t like seeing us together that day in the pool. Deep down, he doesn’t trust me with you. While I managed to calm his fears, I don’t think he’ll give me another pass if he finds us hanging out alone again.”

  Wow. “So, wait. He confronted you?”

  “Not specifically about that. It came out in the midst of another conversation.”

  “What did you say to him?”

  “That he doesn’t have anything to worry about.”

  That stung. “Is that the truth? Does he really not have anything to worry about?”

  Jace gritted his teeth. “He does not fucking have anything to worry about. He just thinks he does. Because of my track record with women, he assumes all women are the same in my mind.” He ran his hand through his hair. “It’s different with you.”

  I crossed my arms as we stopped at a red light. “Really...what makes me so different? You haven’t been around me for the past nine years. Now you don’t know whether to treat me like the girl you left behind or the woman I am. That doesn’t change the fact that I am a woman now and not that girl.”

  He blew out a long breath as he stepped on the gas again. “It’s not an age thing... It’s a respect thing. I wouldn’t make a move on you for the sheer fact that you’re Nathan’s sister and it would upset him. End of story.”

  “Would you want to, if things were different?”

  He chewed on his bottom lip. “Want to what?”

  “Make a move on me—if I wasn’t Nathan’s sister.”

  “That’s irrelevant. It doesn’t matter whether I would want to or not.”

  “It matters to me. I want to know.”

  He was right. What did it matter if he would never act on it? But I wanted to know if he wanted me, perhaps so I could marinate in that knowledge, fantasize about the what-ifs, and just have the general satisfaction of knowing my desire was reciprocated.

  In search of the answer I needed, I rephrased my question. “Why did you come to The Iguana tonight?”

  He briefly shut his eyes and exhaled. “I don’t know, Farrah. I wish I could give you an answer that makes sense. It was an impulsive decision. I wasn’t planning on staying. I guess I was curious as to whether you were telling me the truth about not getting into some guy’s car.”

  “There was no guy,” I blurted.

  He narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean, there was no guy?”

  My face felt hot. “I lied.”

  He raised his voice. “Why the fuck would you do that?”

  There was no choice but to be honest. Any other explanation would have made me sound like a pathological liar. I’d already put everything on the line tonight by getting up on that stage…

  Here goes.

  “I felt really awkward, coming home and finding you with that girl. I was leaving so I didn’t have to be there while you were doing God knows what with her in the next room. I tried to leave with little fanfare, but then my stupid car wouldn’t start. When you asked me who I was meeting, I just said the first thing that came to mind.”

  Jace didn’t respond. My heart beat faster with every second that passed.

  Say something.

  His eyes softened. “You didn’t have to lie. You could’ve just told me you were uncomfortable. I would’ve left the house and gone somewhere else.”

  “Why should you have to do that? It’s your house, too.”

  “Well, now that I know it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll try to be more considerate.”

  “I wasn’t mad because you brought a girl over to the house per se. It wasn’t only that.” I braced myself. “It was the timing. I was mad because I felt something between us when we were hanging out at the pool. And you bringing a girl over so soon after made me incredibly jealous.” Every muscle in my body tightened.

  The truck jerked as Jace turned from the main road and took off down a side street.

  Where is he going?

  He eventually pulled into an empty playground parking lot.

  Looking a bit tormented, he shut off the truck and leaned his head back against his seat. Then he turned to me. “You need to get that moment that happened between us out of your head, okay?”

  “Are you saying there was a moment? You felt it, too? It wasn’t my imagination?”

  “Whether or not I felt anything is irrelevant.” He looked me in the eyes. “Nathan would kill me if I ever laid a hand on you.”

  “Does that moment we shared have anything to do with why you came to The Iguana tonight?” My breathing quickened. “Was it more than just checking to make sure I wasn’t lying?”

  You could have heard a pin drop in the truck as Jace stared out at the empty jungle gym.

  Then he turned his whole body toward me. “Okay, look. Full disclosure…you’re a beautiful girl. There’s no denying it. And yes, there was a moment. But it was just a moment, okay? A slip in judgment on my part—just like showing up tonight was. That day in the pool... I was having a really good time with you. I felt more at peace and carefree than I had in a while—a long while. I don’t know if it’s that you remind me of a happy time in my life—my youth—or if it’s more than that. But I can’t investigate it. That’s the point.” He paused. “If things were different, it would feel very natural to be attracted to you.”

  My heart wanted to burst. “It’s pretty surreal to hear you say that. For so long, it’s seemed like you saw me as that twelve-year-old girl you left behind when you moved away to college.”

  He laughed as he looked up. “Let’s put it this way: I wish I could still see you like that.”

  “I had the biggest crush on you back then,” I admitted.

  He nodded. “I know.”

  “What? What do you mean, you know?”

  “I knew about that—your little crush on me.” He smiled hesitantly.

  I straightened in my seat. “How is tha
t possible? I never told anyone. I only wrote about it in my diary.”

  A guilty look crossed his face.

  “Jace...what are you not telling me?”

  He placed his head on the steering wheel for a moment and muttered, “Shit.”

  “Did you look in my diary?”

  Looking up, he laughed. “No. I didn’t. I swear.”

  “Then how did you know? Because I thought I played it pretty cool.”

  “Your mother told me.”

  “My mother?” I blinked. “What?” That made no sense. My mother would never have betrayed my trust.

  “Okay, before you get upset, try to understand that she had your best interests in mind when she let it slip.”

  “How could ratting me out possibly mean she had my best interests in mind?”

  “I guess there was a period of time when I started bringing Grace around a lot. I invited her over to dinner at your parents’ house more than once. I had no clue that you felt a certain way about me. One night, your mom had a little too much wine after dinner, I think. You’d disappeared to your room, and Grace had just left. I was sitting at the table with Nathan and your parents getting ready to play cards.” He stared off. “I’ll never forget it. She said, ‘Do you mind putting my daughter out of her misery and not inviting Grace to dinner so much?’ I had no idea what she was talking about. Then she explained.”

  “Ugh.”

  “Your mom was looking out for you.” He smiled. “Your dad just sat there rolling his eyes.”

  I stared up at the night sky. “I don’t know how to feel about this news. On one hand, it’s kind of a sweet story, and on the other, I want to kill my mother posthumously.” I shook my head. Then it hit me. “It’s rare that you mention them.”

  Jace nodded. “Yeah, well, I guess listening to you speak tonight brought out the courage.”

  Crickets chirped as I thought about what to say next. I had to be careful not to open any old wounds. “I always just assume it hurts you too much, so I never talk about them in front of you or ask you anything...about...you know.”

  “It sucks because I feel like I should be able to talk about it…for you and Nathan…but I can’t. I’m sorry for that.”

  I rested my hand on his knee. “No one expects you to open up if it’s too painful. It’s okay if you don’t ever want to.”

  He exhaled. “It was definitely easier to be in Charlotte all these years. If you’re trying not to have to deal with something, distance helps.”

  “You don’t need to talk about it, but if you ever want to, you can talk about it with me. You know that, right? It’s not easy for me either, but I’d be willing to go there with you.”

  His mouth curved. “How did you get to be so strong?”

  “I try to be strong for Nathan, but that doesn’t mean my mind doesn’t travel to dark places.”

  “That’s why tonight was so amazing. Whatever brought me to that damn bar…I never expected to see you up on stage. I’m proud of you for putting your fears aside.”

  I felt myself smiling. “Thank you.”

  “Your message—that it’s okay to not be okay—undoubtedly helped someone in the audience tonight, myself included.” Jace’s eyes lingered on mine.

  “What are you thinking about right now?” I asked.

  He looked over at the time on the dashboard. “I’m thinking I’d better get you home. Nathan will worry if you’re late. He thinks Kellianne is driving, and she would’ve had you back by now.”

  “He would’ve texted me if he was that worried.” I paused, looking out at the playground in the darkness. “I like talking to you, Jace.”

  “I like talking to you, too,” he whispered.

  Despite what he’d just said, he looked conflicted.

  I arched my brow. “But…”

  “But this can’t be anything more than talking.”

  No way was I going to make myself seem desperate and argue about that. But I refused to give up hope. I wasn’t imagining things that day in the pool. It was real.

  Without saying anything further, he started the truck and began driving down the palm-tree-lined streets toward our house.

  As promised, Jace stopped around the corner. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

  “Thank you for the ride, Kellianne,” I teased as I opened the door.

  “Wiseass,” he muttered.

  Jace stayed in the same spot until I turned the corner. In the distance, I could hear him take off. I hoped he wasn’t going to some girl’s house.

  His instincts were apparently correct, though, because the second I walked in the door, Nathan was there, looking concerned. I couldn’t imagine what he would have thought if Jace and I had walked in together.

  “You had me worried,” he said. “The bar closed a half hour ago. I thought you got into an accident.”

  “How come you didn’t text me if you were worried?” I asked.

  “I was just about to.”

  “You shouldn’t have been worrying.”

  “Jace mentioned you’d gone out with some guy you met on the Internet earlier today. I wasn’t sure if you were really with him and not Kellianne.”

  I felt terrible lying to my brother. So I attempted to avoid it. “I was with Kellianne at The Iguana. And you’ll never believe what happened.”

  “What?”

  “I finally got up and spoke.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What made you do that tonight?”

  “My emotions were kind of going haywire all day, and I needed to get it out somehow. I spoke about what happened to Mom and Dad—without going into detail. I honestly surprised myself.”

  “Wow.” He pulled me in for a hug. “Really proud of you. Wish I could’ve been there.”

  He and I talked for about fifteen minutes before the front door opened.

  Our heads turned in unison as Jace walked in.

  Nathan seemed surprised. “Hey. Didn’t expect you to come back. Figured you went back to that girl’s place after your parents’ house. What a freaking hottie.”

  I felt my face go hot. I hadn’t gotten a look at her, and now I was glad for that.

  “No. She’s not my girl. Staying here tonight.”

  Jace’s eyes locked with mine for a moment, guilt written all over his face. Strangely, that gave me hope that whatever was happening between us was far from over.

  • • •

  In the middle of the night, I couldn’t stop thinking about Jace. I reached for my phone and clicked on his name.

  Farrah: Are you awake?

  I stared at the screen, awaiting his response.

  Jace: Why are you texting me?

  Farrah: What do you mean?

  Jace: You know your brother is always grabbing your fucking phone. You shouldn’t be texting me.

  His rationale made perfect sense, but his abrupt response still pissed me off.

  Farrah: You can stalk me, but I can’t text you?

  He didn’t respond, so after a few minutes, I typed again.

  Farrah: I’m sorry for calling you a stalker. The fact that you showed up tonight made me really happy. But I went from feeling happy to bummed out after our conversation, and now I can’t sleep.

  The three dots moved around for a while. His response finally came through.

  Jace: Try to get some sleep. And delete this message chain off your phone, okay?

  Rolling my eyes, I resisted the urge to scream in frustration.

  Farrah: Done.

  I swiped over his name to delete our history.

  Chapter 8

  * * *

  Jace

  I vowed to stay away from the house as much as possible the following week. I’d worked on Farrah’s car and got it running again, but I did my best to avoid her. Having crossed so many lines with her the other night, I wasn’t going to risk doing or saying anything reckless again. It was bad enough that I’d gone to The Iguana to check on her, but I’d als
o pretty much told her I would want to fuck her if she weren’t Nathan’s sister. I cringed. I should’ve never admitted my attraction to her.

  Despite the fact that Farrah could rival a freaking Victoria’s Secret model in the looks department, it was more than a physical attraction that drew me to her. I felt very connected to Farrah—not only because we shared some of the same pain, but because whenever I looked in her eyes, I was reminded of innocence and passion and all that was good in the world. I always felt like she could see the good in me, even if I couldn’t see it myself. For years, I’d known about her little crush, and I’d never felt deserving of it, or of the way she looked at me—then or now. But especially now.

  No way was I going to fuck up again. I needed to keep my feelings tucked inside where they belonged—and my dick tucked away, too, while I was at it.

  Today after work, I forced myself to pay a visit to my parents to avoid running into Farrah. I knew I couldn’t stay away from the house forever, but I would until the tension between us blew over a little. It might have been dumb to assume it would just go away, but I was hopeful.

  My father was sitting up in bed when I arrived.

  I knocked lightly on his door. “What’s up, old man? How are you feeling?”

  “I’ll be better if you tell me we were approved for the loan.”

  Sitting down on the chair next to his bed, I rubbed my temples. “The bank is taking its sweet time to get back to me. They asked for a couple more pieces of info, and I had Kristy pull what they needed. Hopefully we can get that straightened out.”

  “I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done.”