Kaia and I had been together for a year. She never understood why I wouldn’t come home, why I wouldn’t ever take her back to Florida with me to meet my parents. My mother and father had come to Charlotte a couple of times to visit me that first year after I left, but that had been before I met Kaia. So she’d never had a chance to meet my mother.
All Mom ever wanted was for me to come home to Florida again, and I couldn’t grant her wish—until she died. No one had seen that heart attack coming. I couldn’t remember my mother being sick once. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. My father had been the one with cancer. Now Dad was fine, and my mother, who was the glue that held our family together, was gone. Fifty-nine years old. Not that I wished my almost seventy-year-old father had died instead, but life was so damn unfair. Losing Mom was probably the only thing that could have deflected my attention from all the other reasons coming home was traumatic. The pain of her death cut so deep that nothing else could compete with it.
Up until the past week, my life had been pretty good. After a couple of years of feeling lost, I’d pushed myself to move on, and I’d managed to escape into a comfortable life with Kaia in the past year. She and I had met through a mutual friend. I cared for her, but it was getting to the point where she wanted more of a commitment from me, and I’d yet to take that step. We’d been discussing moving in together, but I kept putting it off.
After Dad called to tell me about my mother, Kaia insisted on coming to Palm Creek with me. When she sensed my extreme discomfort, she grilled me until I finally came clean on the circumstances under which I’d left town three years ago. I told her about everything—from the shooting to my relationship with Farrah and the fallout with Nathan.
The drive down here from Charlotte had been tense. Kaia kept wanting to talk, analyzing everything I’d confessed. Meanwhile, I was numb because—for fuck’s sake—my mother had just died; I didn’t have the mental energy to analyze anything.
Kaia believed I must have unresolved feelings for Farrah. It didn’t take a scientist to figure that out. Still, I refused to acknowledge how I felt, because from the day I left, I’d done everything in my power to block out the mess I’d made, which meant trying to forget Farrah. I hadn’t felt anything in three years. And now with my mother gone, I had bigger things to do than dig up old pain. But damn if my chest didn’t ache after seeing Farrah again. All of the feelings I’d buried seemed to smack me in the face at once.
My mind was all over the place as I stared blankly at Kaia from across our table at the restaurant. Someone finally figured out our waitress was MIA and came around to take our order. She brought us two waters and placed a pot of hot tea in the center of the table. Kaia ordered the teriyaki chicken. My brain was too fried to think about what I wanted—not to mention that I had no appetite—so I told the waitress to bring me the same thing.
Kaia poured some tea, and instead of drinking it, she stared down into the steaming cup. She tapped her fingers along the porcelain. “Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about this…and after what happened just now, I feel even more strongly about it.”
I’d started to pour some tea but stopped. “What?”
“I think we need to take a break.”
“You’re breaking up with me…”
“No. Not exactly. I just think you need to figure out all the shit that’s keeping you from being able to move on. And I think you need to do it without being tied down.” Her eyes became watery. “I love you. But I realize now that there’s a lot you haven’t dealt with. Until you do, I’m not sure you can ever be the man I need.”
“You don’t think that sounds like you’re breaking up with me?”
“Well, it’s not a breakup. But it’s a break. A separation. I won’t blame you for anything that happens while you’re figuring shit out here. Do what you need to do. But if you come back to me, your baggage can’t come with you.”
What exactly did she want me to figure out? “There’s nothing for me to figure out here other than taking care of my father for a while.”
“That’s not how I see it. Especially not after what happened just now.” She took a long sip of her tea. “Look, you can’t even tell me when you’re coming back to Charlotte. I understand you need to stay here for a while for your dad, but I also think you need to deal with the other stuff you’re running from.” She paused. “As much as I love you, I have to let you go right now.”
I wasn’t sure how to feel. Disappointed? Relieved? I was basically numb.
Kaia’s last boyfriend had left her to go back to his ex-wife. So I could understand her fear when it came to unfinished feelings for an ex.
I nodded. “If that’s what you feel you need to do, I’m not going to try to stop you.”
Our food arrived, interrupting the conversation at the worst possible moment.
We began to eat in silence.
Even though taking a break had been her decision, she seemed upset. I think she might’ve expected me to put up more of a fight. But that was never gonna happen. This week had sucked the fight right out of me.
• • •
My father sat alone in the living room when I returned to the house that night. He had only a small lamp on, so the majority of the house was dark. So goddamn depressing.
“Old man, it’s me.” I threw my keys down on a table.
“You’re back sooner than I thought. You said you weren’t coming back until tomorrow.”
“Kaia left. She booked an earlier flight. I just took her to the airport and checked out of the hotel to come stay with you.”
Kaia hadn’t felt comfortable staying at my dad’s house this past week, so we’d gotten a room at a hotel nearby.
“She seemed like a nice girl.”
“She was—until she dumped me.” I chuckled.
“What?” My father straightened in his brown recliner.
“She thinks we need to take a break while I’m here.”
“She wants to date other people?”
“No. I think it’s more about protecting herself because she thinks I might not be coming back to Charlotte for a while.”
“You don’t have to stay here, son.”
I didn’t want my father to feel bad about this. “It’s not up for debate, Dad,” I explained quickly. “It’s what Mom would’ve wanted. It’s the least I can do.”
“She wouldn’t want you to let a nice girl go so you could babysit me. She only ever wanted you to be happy. She always felt horrible about why you left. It’s why she never gave you shit about leaving so abruptly three years ago. She understood. When you told us about Kaia, she was happy—even if she wished things would have worked out for you and Farrah.”
As soon as he mentioned Farrah’s name, my nerves spiked. “Speaking of Farrah…I think Mom might have been playing some games up in heaven today.”
“Yeah?”
“I took Kaia out to lunch at that Japanese restaurant on Seminole Highway. Farrah works there now, apparently. She was assigned to our table and bolted when she saw me.”
“You’re shitting me. She works at the Japanese restaurant?”
“Evidently…yeah. I ran after her and spoke to her briefly. I told her about Mom. The whole thing was unbelievable.”
“Well, that explains the flowers from her that came today.”
That jolted me. “Are you serious?”
“Was just about to tell you.” He pointed. “Right over there on the table.”
I walked over to a bouquet of white roses mixed with other flowers and lifted the note.
Dear Mr. Muldoon,
I ran into Jace today, who told me about Faye. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Her warm smile and kindness will always be something I’ll remember. Please accept our deepest condolences and know that you are in our prayers.
Fondly,
Farrah and Nathan Spade
Continuing to stare down at the card, I said, “She must have ordered these the second she ran away from me.”
“Well, it was a very nice gesture.”
I had to agree. It touched me that Farrah had done this, despite how I’d treated her. It spoke volumes about the type of person she was.
I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her all day, despite the drama of my girlfriend dumping me…or forcing a break—whichever it was. It was a relief that Kaia wasn’t here, though, to continue analyzing my every expression and reaction to the mention of Farrah’s name.
Farrah’s running away haunted me. I kept replaying the scene in my head—not only the way she ran, but how fast all the feelings I’d harbored for her came flooding back the moment I looked in her eyes. It was unnerving, but not surprising, considering I’d only ever buried my emotions instead of dealing with them. That was my MO.
I finally put the small card back in the envelope and placed it on the table. “Have you eaten, Dad?”
“I’m fine.”
“You haven’t, then?”
He hesitated. “No.”
My poor father was like a fish out of water. I wasn’t sure if he hadn’t eaten because he wasn’t hungry, or because my mother was no longer here to cook for him.
I opened the cabinet. “Want some pancakes?”
“Only if you’re making them for yourself.”
“I’m actually getting kind of hungry again, yeah,” I lied.
Dad moved over to the table and sat with his head in his hands. I grabbed the nonstick pan and turned on the heat. It broke my heart to see him so sad and helpless. I found a bowl and started mixing the ingredients. As I poured the batter into the pan and watched it sizzle, tears formed in my eyes. For the first time since coming home, I let them fall. It was the only time I’d cried since the moment I pulled onto I-95 heading north three years ago.
This simple thing—making pancakes—was something I’d watched my mother do hundreds of times. I’d been going through the motions all week, and in this ordinary moment, staring into a pancake pan, it finally hit me that she was gone.
• • •
Over the next week, I spent each day helping my father go through Mom’s things, deciding which items to keep and which to donate. Sifting through a dead loved one’s belongings, which still smelled like her, was the purest kind of torture. Dad broke down multiple times in the process.
One afternoon, I needed respite from that routine, so I decided to go to the grocery store and run some errands. I hadn’t been planning to drive by Farrah’s house, but somehow I ended up passing the road I needed to take to get home. Before I knew it, I was approaching her and Nathan’s neighborhood and decided to turn down their street.
My heart raced at the sight of a small child playing out in front of their house. The little girl was in one of those red-and-yellow plastic cars. A rush of adrenaline hit. Whose kid is that? Nathan’s? Farrah’s? I’d specifically asked my mother not to seek out information on them, and to the best of my knowledge, she’d never run into them in the three years I’d been gone; she would have told me if she had. I had no idea what had transpired with them because I’d made a conscious effort to stay out of their lives.
Totally freaked, I got out of my truck and approached the driveway.
Jesus Christ.
The more I looked at the little girl, the more worried I became. She couldn’t have been more than a few years old, maybe younger. I did the math in my head, and a terrifying thought occurred to me. Could she have been my kid? Her hair was almost black like mine. Maybe that thought was crazy, but it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility.
Before my nerves had a chance to explode into full-fledged panic, a woman rushed out and took the child into the house through the garage. She turned around once and flashed me an alarmed look. Apparently, I’d gotten a little too close and had been mistaken for a perpetrator.
Who is that woman?
The mother? A sitter?
A friend of Farrah’s, maybe?
I went from possibly having an illegitimate child one second to just dazed and confused the next.
As I continued to stand in front of the house staring at it blankly, a voice to my left said, “Hey, I know you.”
I turned to find a teenage girl who looked vaguely familiar. Then it hit me. Nora. The eleven-year-old who lived next door was now a teenager.
Well, I’ll be damned. I felt so old. “Hey.” I moved toward her. “Nora, right?”
“Yeah. You’re Jace. I remember you. You used to live there.” She tilted her head. “Were you looking for Farrah?”
“Um…no. Not really. I was just driving by and…stopped.”
“They don’t live here anymore.”
My eyes widened. “They don’t?”
“No. They moved about two years ago.”
My stomach sank. “Where do they live now?”
“Off of Tamarind.”
That was sort of a crappy neighborhood compared to this one.
“Are you still in contact with Farrah?”
She frowned. “Unfortunately, no. I lost touch with her after she moved. She was always so sweet to me, though. I miss her a lot.”
Yeah. I can relate.
Nora grinned. “I’ll never forget the time she bought me Shawn Mendes tickets. I’m over him now. But back then? He was everything.” She laughed. “I remember going next door one day to tell her my mom said it was okay if she took me to the concert. I was all excited to ask her to go with me. I caught her at a bad time, though. She was crying and upset. I asked her what was wrong, and she said you had left town. I’ll never forget that. She didn’t want to talk about it. After that, I was afraid to ask her to go with me because I thought she wouldn’t be in the mood. I ended up going with my mother, but I would’ve rather gone with Farrah.”
Jesus. I needed to get away from this one before she told me something else I didn’t want to hear. “Thanks for letting me know they moved.”
“No problem.” She disappeared inside her house.
My pulse continued racing as I stood on the sidewalk. It would take a while to get over that long-ass minute where I thought I might’ve had a daughter. How fucked-up would that have been?
I returned to my truck and rested my head on the back of the seat to calm down for a few minutes before heading home.
Thoughts of Farrah tormented me the rest of that night. I had questions. Lots of them. Why the hell did they move to a shitty neighborhood? Farrah had loved that house, that pool. I suspected it wasn’t her choice to leave.
• • •
The following afternoon, Dad napped while I got some work done on my laptop in the living room. I was fortunate that my property management job allowed me to handle a majority of my duties remotely. I needed to delegate more while away, but managing everything from here had been doable so far. I’d probably have to fly to Charlotte once or twice during my stay here if they needed me on site, though. Between my job and helping Dad out at Muldoon Construction, I was plenty busy.
The doorbell rang, interrupting my work. I got up to see who it was—probably yet another neighbor coming by with a casserole. Or maybe it was someone from Mom’s church checking in on my father. It had been a couple of weeks now since my mother died, but people still trickled in from time to time.
When I opened the door, I froze.
Shit.
Standing before me was the last person I ever expected to see.
I blinked several times. “Nathan…”
His eyes were piercing. “Hi, Jace.”
I swallowed. “Hey.”
“Long time no see.”
My body was rigid. I didn’t know whether to hug him or brace myself for a punch.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
Still in shock, I nodded several times before the answer came out. “Uh…yeah.”
Moving aside to let him enter, I immediately noticed he was limping. One of his legs was pretty much dragging the other. Nathan had also gained some weight and looked…rough, for lack of a better word.
/> “What happened to you?” I asked.
Still struggling to make it to the other side of the room, he said, “I got into an accident two years ago.”
I tensed. “Accident? What kind of accident?”
“I was drunk and got behind the wheel. Stupidest thing I ever did. I was lucky, though. Didn’t kill anyone. But I fucked myself up, and I’ve been out on disability ever since.”
Damn. Things started to add up. My chest hurt. It pained me that I’d had no idea what he’d been through.
“Man, I’m sorry.”
“It’s my own fault. Nothing to be sorry about.” He looked around. “Anyway, I came to tell you that I’m very sorry about your mom. I was shocked to hear.”
“Thank you. We’re still in shock, too.”
He walked over to the couch. “Can I sit?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
As cordial as he was, I waited for the bomb to drop, waited for him to lose it on me. Although, this person didn’t seem like the same Nathan who’d raged at me the last time I saw him.
After he sat, I took a seat on the chair across from him. I stayed silent until he spoke.
“Where’s your dad?” he asked.
“He’s napping.”
Nathan nodded, rubbing his palms together.
A clock ticking in the corner of the room was the only sound. This was awkward as fuck.
“I’m sure you’re…surprised that I’m here,” he finally said.
“That’s an understatement.”
“When Farrah told me she ran into you, I couldn’t believe you were back in town, and when she told me why, I felt horrible.” He shut his eyes. “Well, I’ve felt horrible when it came to you for a long time.” He let out a long breath and started to bounce his knees up and down.
“Take it easy. I’m not going anywhere,” I said.
The Crush Page 18
