“I’d stay for her,” I immediately said.
“What? You can’t be serious.”
“I’m dead serious, Nathan. I wasn’t expecting it to happen, but I fell in love with your sister.”
Farrah’s eyes met mine, and the fear in them seemed to ease a little. That wasn’t the way I’d wanted to unleash those words, but here we were.
I love her.
“Love?” Nathan scoffed. “You’ve got to be kidding me. You don’t know shit about love,” he screamed. “Lust, maybe…”
Raising my voice, I yelled back, “I get that you’re angry we kept this from you, but we needed to figure things out in private before throwing it on you.”
“There’s nothing to figure out. Because this ain’t happening.” He turned to her. “Not if you give two shits about your relationship with me, it ain’t.”
Farrah got in his face. “You’re really going to sit here and say I have to choose him or you?”
Nathan flashed me a diabolical look. “You don’t have any clue who you’re really getting involved with, little sister.”
His words were a punch to the stomach. Fear rose within me. And I knew. I knew what was coming. My instinct was to look down at my feet so I didn’t have to see the pain in her eyes when she found out.
Farrah continued to defend my actions. “Of course, I know him! I trust Jace more than I trust most people. He’s your best friend, for Christ’s sake. You should trust him, too.”
“Really. Tell me then, did you have a clue that the guy you’re screwing is probably the reason our parents aren’t here?”
Farrah gripped my side, my shirt now drenched. “How dare you say that!”
She had no idea what she was defending.
“Nathan, stop,” I demanded.
She couldn’t find out like this.
She looked at me. “Why would he say something so cruel?”
I felt the world closing in on me. The right words were nowhere to be found.
“Why would I say that?” Nathan replied. “Because it’s true. The only reason the gunman fired at our parents that day was because Jace decided to charge at him. The guy never would have shot Mom and Dad if Jace hadn’t provoked him.” He looked me in the eyes. “He’s the reason our parents aren’t here.”
He’d unleashed those words in the most terrible way, leaving me speechless to defend myself.
Farrah, though? She didn’t even flinch, nor did she hesitate to stick up for me.
“How the hell do you know that, Nathan? You weren’t even there.”
“I didn’t have to be. Jace told me.”
Her eyes glistened as she turned to me. “Is that true?”
I could hardly get the words out. But I tried for her sake. “Yes…I…thought I could tackle him. I tried to…and…” My voice shook as I found myself unable to explain my rationale that day.
As I watched the pained expression on Farrah’s face, I regretted the day all those years ago I’d decided to open up to Nathan about what happened. He would’ve never known if I hadn’t told him. But about a year after the accident, the truth had been eating away at me. The fact that I’d charged at the assailant never made it into the police report because I’d never told anyone. The decision to try to get the gun from him continued to haunt me every day of my life. And now, my secret was ripped open for what felt like all the world to see—or at least my entire world: Farrah.
To my absolute shock, rather than cry or come at me with hatred, Farrah wrapped her arms around me again. “It’s not your fault, Jace. Whatever you did…you thought you were protecting them.”
But Nathan wouldn’t leave it. “If he really thinks he didn’t do anything wrong, then why did he not tell you? He hid the most important thing from you so it didn’t deter his chances of taking advantage of you.”
My fists tightened. “That’s not fucking true, Nathan.” I knew he was hurt, but I wanted to punch him right now.
“You’re just another notch on his belt, Farrah.”
I didn’t know what was worse: the fact that Farrah had to find out this way, the fact that Nathan was hurt, or the fact that deep down, I worried he was right about me, about all of this. Farrah sticking up for me only solidified the fact that she was too easy on me. It hadn’t even taken her a full minute to put all of her faith in me. I didn’t deserve the huge pass she was giving me right now.
Nathan pointed his finger at me. “I thought I could forgive you for that huge mistake you made because it was unintentional. But this? Sneaking around with my sister? This was calculated. You crossed a line. I won’t forgive this, and I won’t forget everything else, either.”
Farrah still hadn’t let go of me. “Nathan, please. Can we all just go home and discuss this?”
“Home? He’s not coming home. And you can decide whether you want to go with him or come home with me. Because you can’t have it both ways.”
“You’ve got to be kidding,” she cried.
“I’m not kidding in the least.” He glared at me. “You can come tomorrow when I’m at work and pack up all your shit.”
Nathan said nothing else as he got back into his car and sped away, tires spinning in the wet gravel as he pulled out.
We continued to stand in the rain, both of us in shock. As I pulled Farrah into my arms, I felt helpless. Quickly, I ushered her back into my truck. We were both soaked.
This moment was my biggest nightmare: Farrah having to make a choice between her brother and me. Moreover, I knew it wasn’t a choice. She would choose me, if I let her. If I took her with me tonight, things might never be the same between them. I wasn’t sure I could live with that guilt. I already blamed myself for their parents’ death, and now I was going to rip apart their family in another way?
Kissing her forehead softly, I said, “I’ll drive you to your car. Then I’ll go to my parents’. He needs some time to cool down, but if you leave with me tonight, this situation will get ten times worse.”
She looked conflicted. “Okay…maybe you’re right.”
I was relieved she didn’t fight me on it.
“Maybe in the morning he will have calmed down a little, but I can’t go back there with you tonight.”
“I’m so sorry this happened.” A tear fell down her cheek.
I wiped it away. “Me too, baby. Me too.”
The ride back to the house was eerily quiet. My guilt felt suffocating. What I’d done clearly hadn’t hit Farrah yet. When the shock faded and it finally did, things would get ugly.
Chapter 17
* * *
Farrah
Almost a week went by before I saw Jace again. He had come to the house to get all of his things the day after Nathan caught us, but he’d done it while we were both at work. He’d called to check on me a few times, but that was the extent of it. He said it was best to stay away from each other for a while. This felt like a nightmare.
At first, I’d just assumed he was avoiding Nathan, but with each day that passed, I worried he was also avoiding me. I didn’t want to lose my brother, but the fear of losing Jace trumped all.
In our numerous arguments over the past week, Nathan had made it clear that he wasn’t backing down about Jace’s betrayal. Not only could he not forgive Jace for dating me, but he’d opened a major old wound. That explained so much about why the robbery was always so difficult for them to talk about. But even with the knowledge that Jace might have caused the gunman to shoot, I couldn’t blame him for everything. And I didn’t understand how Nathan could. It made me sad that Jace had been living with that guilt all this time. I worried that he’d spent the past week beating himself up about what happened all over again. I was worried for us—but I was more worried for him.
When I got out of work Friday afternoon, my prayers were finally answered. Jace’s truck was parked outside my office building.
Finally.
He got out and shut the door before walking over to me.
I expected him to r
each out and kiss me, but he didn’t. An unsettled feeling developed in my stomach.
“Can we take a walk?” he asked.
Something in his voice made my heart sink. Hope turned to dread pretty fast. We walked down the block, past a row of stores, and then around the corner to a residential neighborhood.
“I can understand why you haven’t come around Nathan, but why have you been avoiding me?” I asked.
“I needed time to think—not just about what I want, but more importantly, about what’s best for you. Those two things are unfortunately not one and the same.” He stopped walking for a moment and looked into my eyes. “I had no right to keep that information about what really happened the day your parents died from you. I allowed you to fall in love with me without divulging something you had every right to know—something that quite frankly should have changed your opinion about me.”
“Why? Why should it have changed my opinion? You were acting in self-defense. You thought you were doing the right thing. How could I blame you for that?”
“Farrah, there’s a very good chance that the choice I made led to the outcome. Don’t you see that?” He looked up at the sky, then back at me. “You might not blame me now, but when this love fog you’re in subsides, it will eventually hit you. You’ll wake up one day, look at me, and see nothing but the man partially responsible for your entire world being taken away.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, but I’ll never see it that way.”
“Even if you don’t, Nathan made it clear that he does. He can’t see past it. That was something I hadn’t realized until the other night. I didn’t know he still harbored so much anger and blame toward me. Knowing that changes a lot.”
I felt jittery with panic. “What are you saying? Get to the damn point, Jace.”
“I’m saying I don’t want to be responsible for you losing the only family you have left when I already feel responsible for you losing your parents. I can’t live with that.” He closed his eyes. “As much as I want this to work, and goddamn it, Farrah, as much as I love you, I can’t put you in this situation. It would be the ultimate act of selfishness.” Jace placed his head in his hands. “Walking away from you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
Walking away? He’d nearly knocked the wind out of me.
“Walking away…” I repeated.
The pain in his eyes was palpable. “I need to leave, Farrah.”
A rush of blood traveled to my head as I pleaded, “This is a mistake.”
“It’s the last thing I want, but it’s what’s best for you, even if you don’t realize it right now.”
I wanted to cry, but shock prevented me from doing anything. “Where are you going?”
“Back to North Carolina. Honestly, that was always the plan. I don’t belong here.”
Always the plan?
My devastation turned to anger. “So that’s it? You were going to leave all along? And now you’re just going to pretend nothing happened between us? That you didn’t fall in love with me?”
Jace covered his face with his hands. “I didn’t say that. I won’t forget any of it. Ever.” He looked up at me. “For as long as I live, Farrah. I’ll just be hoping you can forget me. This is not a decision I want to make. It’s the decision I have to make. There’s a difference.”
I felt betrayed. And more than that, I felt disappointed in him for not fighting harder, for not being willing to risk everything to be with me. Despite that, I was still tempted to beg him not to leave. But then what? This wasn’t just about Nathan anymore. It was about the wound Nathan had opened when he dropped that bomb, and Jace’s inability to deal with it.
Jace was back to running from his guilt like he always did. Being with me would mean having to face it, something he didn’t seem willing to do. I, on the other hand, had been willing to give everything up for him, but only as long as it brought us happiness. Right now, he was miserable and running scared. That was clear. If he wasn’t willing to let the past go to allow himself to be happy, how could this ever work?
“I don’t know what to say, Jace. I’m in shock.”
“You don’t need to say anything. There are really no words for this. The whole situation sucks. I swear to God, I never meant to hurt you. I just feel like I need to stop this before I do irreparable harm to both of you.”
I didn’t want to break the news to him that he’d already done that. His leaving would never be something I’d just “get over.” If he thought that, he sure as hell had underestimated my feelings for him. And I didn’t know that I could ever forgive my brother for putting us in this situation.
He placed his hand on my chin. “Farrah, look at me. I need you to hear this.” He exhaled. “I can’t…live on the pedestal you’ve always put me on. I don’t deserve it. That’s the truth. If I stay and ruin your relationship with your brother, I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I’m still working on forgiving myself for everything else. I’m nowhere near there yet. Aside from all that, I have never been capable of holding on to a relationship. There are just too many damn ways to hurt you.”
Didn’t he realize he’d already hurt me?
“You’re really leaving?” My voice trembled.
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“When?”
“Tonight.”
“Tonight?” I wiped a tear and shook my head. “Jesus. I’m surprised you even bothered to say goodbye.”
“I’m leaving tonight because I can’t be here another minute if I know I’m not staying. It’s too painful. I can barely look at you right now.”
I mustered up the courage to say one last thing. “I want you to know that even though you think you’re protecting me, you’re making the wrong decision. I don’t need you to protect me. I need you to trust me, to listen to me. Because I would love you no matter what. All of this—all the pain, all the shit with Nathan—it all would have been worth it. But I don’t know how to convince you of that.”
His eyes were watery, but he didn’t cry. “Please just go on with your life. I will always remember this time with you as my happiest days.”
As much as I wanted to return the sentiment—because it was true—I refused to say another word. Empty inside, I had nothing left. I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore.
I turned to walk back toward my building where our cars were parked, and he walked a couple of feet behind me.
When I got to my car, I stopped in front of it and turned around to meet his eyes one last time.
“I’m so sorry, Farrah.”
With tears streaming down my face, I got in and started my car. As I stepped on the gas, I looked in my rearview mirror and noticed he’d stayed in the same spot, watching me drive away. Jace shrank farther and farther into the distance, but the pain I felt grew bigger and bigger. What if now I had nothing else left?
THREE YEARS LATER
Chapter 18
* * *
Jace
My girlfriend, Kaia, seemed understandably upset when I returned to our table at the Japanese restaurant. Her eyes shot daggers. “Do you mind telling me what the hell that was all about?”
There was no easy way to say it. “That was her.”
“That was…” She blinked. “That was…Farrah?”
“Yes.”
Her face turned red. “Of all places we could eat lunch, you take me to the restaurant where she works? What the hell, Jace?”
“For Christ’s sake, Kaia. I didn’t know. I had no idea she worked here. You think I would have put you through that intentionally?”
Kaia’s eyes softened. “You swear you didn’t know?”
“Of course not.”
This restaurant didn’t even exist the last time I was in Palm Creek. To the best of my knowledge, Farrah hadn’t waitressed a day in her life, so the fact that she worked here made no sense. I’d been looking for a peaceful lunch after a horrendous week. Instead, I got the shock of my life.
Still reeling from my
run-in with Farrah outside, I wiped sweat from my forehead.
“She’s beautiful,” Kaia said. “You know, like, you’ve heard that saying—the face that launched a thousand ships? Helen of Troy, I believe? That girl is the face that drove Jace out of town.”
There was no safe way to agree with that. Kaia was a ticking time bomb as it was. So I stayed silent.
“Well, it’s not like I didn’t think she would be beautiful,” Kaia continued. “Why else would you have risked everything for her?”
I couldn’t disagree with that, either. Once again, this was an appropriate moment to shut up. Farrah had looked as beautiful as ever, albeit with a coldness in her eyes I didn’t recognize.
Kaia fluffed out her cloth napkin almost violently. “What did she say to you?”
“We didn’t talk much. She basically…left the building. I caught up to her along the main road after she crossed the parking lot. She asked me what I was doing in town, and I told her my mother had died. She seemed upset to hear that. She gave me her condolences…asked how my father was. Then she said she had to go and kept walking. That was the end of it.”
“Why the hell did she run away in the first place? She couldn’t say hello?” She laughed angrily. “Or at least she could’ve done her job and taken our order.”
It killed me that Farrah had run like that. But she’d never expected to see me sitting there. Fleeing was a knee-jerk reaction. I should know. “I think she was just in shock and didn’t know how to handle it.”
“Boy, you must have really fucked her up to make her run like that.”
I hoped Kaia wasn’t right. I hoped Farrah had gotten over what I’d done to her by now. But all signs pointed to the fact that she hadn’t. In any case, I once again chose not to address my girlfriend’s comments.
This entire thing sucked. Kaia wasn’t supposed to see Farrah. Heck, I wasn’t even supposed to see her. Kaia and I had been in Palm Creek for a week. She was leaving tomorrow to fly back to Charlotte, while I stayed to help my dad after the sudden loss of my mother to a heart attack.
The Crush Page 17
