The Crush

by Ward , Penelope

  He stopped bopping his legs. “I handled everything all wrong with you, Jace. I messed up big time, and I need to apologize.”

  Wow. I didn’t know how to respond. My first inclination was to tell him it was okay, because he’d apparently been through more than enough to make up for whatever he did to me. But another part of me wanted to tell him to fuck off. I’d never been more confused in my life.

  “Nathan, I don’t know—”

  “Hear me out,” he interrupted.

  “Okay…”

  “I never should’ve used what happened to my parents against you the night I caught you and Farrah. I’d promised you I would never tell anyone what you confessed to me, and instead I used it as ammunition. I was angry at you for messing around with my sister. What I did was downright cruel. I want you to know that I don’t blame you in any way for what happened to them.”

  Again, I didn’t know whether to be angry or relieved to hear him say that. It felt like too little too late. “It would’ve been nice to know that three damn years ago,” I said loudly. It seemed the anger had won out.

  “It wasn’t clear to me then. It took a while for me to see things the way I do now. My biggest fear back then was losing Farrah. I was sure you’d end up hurting her—or worse, taking her back to Charlotte with you. I was selfish more than anything else. When I caught you sneaking around with her, I felt betrayed. But over time, I’ve realized my anger was a reflection of my own struggle, not a reflection of you or anything you might have done.”

  “When did you figure all this out?”

  “Unfortunately, being out of work for so long, I’ve had a lot of time to think and reflect on my life. I started going to church, believe it or not.”

  “Really? You’d never stepped inside a church, from what I recall…”

  He chuckled. “I know. I was depressed and desperate. Just walked in one day in the middle of the week. It was me and a bunch of old people. But they were friendly, and I kept going on Sundays after that. There’s this counselor I met through the parish who volunteers his services. I’ve had a lot of meetings with him. He’s not a doctor or anything, but he’s become a good friend and helped me realize that all of my actions came down to a fear of being alone, of abandonment. My dependence on Farrah wasn’t healthy, and neither was my attitude toward you. It was more than just being angry at you for sneaking around behind my back. That shit went back to childhood.”

  He lost me a little. “What do you mean…childhood?”

  “I’ve always envied you—your ability to excel at everything that you tried, your ability to get girls, your ability to make something of yourself. In my mind, you had it all. It felt like you were taking the one thing I cherished, the only family I had left, when you could’ve had practically any other thing in the world. I didn’t understand why you needed Farrah, too. It was years of jealousy and envy coming to a head. That—along with never having dealt with my parents’ deaths—I just…snapped.”

  I rubbed my temples. My head felt like it was going to explode as my emotions wavered between relief and anger over having wasted the past three years.

  Through my silence, he continued. “It took me nearly getting killed in that accident to work on myself enough to see things clearer,” he said. “I’ve wanted to contact you so many times, but I never had the guts because I was ashamed of how I handled everything.” He exhaled. “But when I found out about your mother and that you were back, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.”

  I sighed. “I get why you were disappointed that Farrah and I went behind your back, but I never meant to hurt you. My feelings for Farrah were genuine.”

  “I don’t think I realized how deep Farrah’s feelings for you were until you left. It fucked her up. I understand that it was more than just a fling between you two. It had nothing to do with me, but I made it about me.”

  My heart lurched. I didn’t want to hear how badly I’d devastated Farrah, even if I’d always known that was the case.

  “She was messed up,” he said again. “But after a while, things changed. I don’t know how to explain it. She seemed to get over it, but at the same time, she sort of hardened. And she’s been that way ever since.” He shook his head. “I blame myself.”

  “How is she handling things with you…after your accident and everything?” I asked, though I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. “How is she overall?”

  “The accident happened about a year after you left. I was in a rehabilitation center for a while. When I was released, Farrah had to take care of me before I built my strength back up. There were several months where I could hardly walk. She’d come home from work and have to deal with my shit. It was a wonder she didn’t lose her mind.”

  “All of this…it’s why you guys moved…”

  “Yeah. How did you know?”

  “I drove by. Saw another family living there. The girl next door confirmed you didn’t live there anymore.”

  “I had to stop working and started collecting disability. We couldn’t afford that mortgage. I knew if we sold the house and bought a smaller one, there’d be some money left over for Farrah’s education.”

  “She’s not working at the law firm anymore, I take it?”

  “She finally started school last year.” He smiled. “Because a lot of her classes are in the morning, she quit the old job, and now she waits tables at Mayaka. We used the last of our savings—the money we got from the big house—to pay off the shitty place we live in now. So the money she makes can go toward school.”

  It made me proud that Farrah was finally in college. It seemed like the only good thing out of any of the stuff he’d just told me.

  “I’m sorry things have been tough.”

  “Enough about me,” Nathan said. “How have you been? How long are you here?”

  “I don’t know. At least a month or two. Maybe more. When Mom died, my father was in the process of selling the company and getting ready to retire. He has a buyer, but it hasn’t changed hands yet. It’s not set in stone. I don’t know what to do with him—whether to help him sell the house and take him back to North Carolina with me or what. He’s lost without her.”

  “I can only imagine. Your parents were the poster children for a happy marriage.”

  I took a few moments to soak in the sight of Nathan in front of me. “I have to say, it’s pretty surreal, sitting here having an actual conversation with you. I didn’t think I’d ever experience this again.”

  “I may be in the worst physical shape of my life, but mentally I see clearer. The problem is, I’ve already fucked up so much—my relationship with Farrah included. I don’t know how to fix things.” He shook his head. “Three years ago, I wouldn’t have ever thought I’d say this, but I wish she’d ended up with you, rather than the asshole she’s dating now.”

  My entire body tightened. “Why? What’s the story there?”

  “He’s a condescending jerk. His family owns the Bianchi chain of liquor stores. He thinks just because he has money, he’s better than everyone.”

  Blood rushed to my head. “Really…”

  “Remember Crystal?”

  “Yeah…” I wished he would’ve elaborated on Farrah’s situation a bit more.

  “That didn’t last long at all. I haven’t had a serious girlfriend since her. Kind of hard to impress the ladies when you’re limping around like I am.” He sighed. “I can’t complain, though. I’m lucky to be alive.”

  I nodded.

  Nathan stayed that afternoon and chatted with me until my father woke up. He gave Dad his condolences, and before he left, he gave me their new address and told me I should stop by the house sometime.

  I didn’t know how I felt about that. I didn’t want to upset Farrah. But she was just about the only thing on my mind.

  Chapter 19

  * * *

  Jace

  A week after Nathan’s surprise visit, I still couldn’t get over his change of heart. Between work and dealing
with Dad, I’d managed to stay busy enough not to do anything rash. As the days passed, though, the need to see Farrah became more urgent. But given what I’d learned and the way our first encounter had gone, I had no idea what to expect if I showed up at her house.

  However, Nathan’s putting aside the past and reaching out motivated me to grow some damn balls and make the first move. I texted Nathan to ask if he’d be okay with me coming by to talk to Farrah. He responded that he had physical therapy this morning, but Farrah didn’t have class today. He said she would probably be home until she went to work at three this afternoon. I asked him to tell her I would be stopping by around two. He confirmed, but he didn’t say anything about her reaction. I took that as a cue that she was okay with it. At least I hoped so.

  As I drove to their house, I had no idea what I was going to say to her. Instead of rehearsing something I would likely mess up anyway, I’d spent the day ruminating. Nathan’s new outlook on everything still made me somewhat angry. What was the point of my leaving, of breaking his sister’s heart, only to have him be so forgiving in the end? It was amazing what a brush with death could do to someone. I supposed there was no way of knowing exactly how things would have played out if I’d stayed; things could’ve ended up worse than they were now.

  My palms were sweaty as I pulled up to their small property. This house was easily a third of the size of their last one. It hurt me that Farrah no longer had the pool she used to love so much. But at least they’d paid this house off and didn’t have to worry about a mortgage.

  I exited my truck and walked to their front door. With stiff knuckles, I knocked.

  After a moment, Farrah opened the door. My heart clenched. I’d hoped for a smile but got nothing but a blank stare. Even so, she was somehow more beautiful than ever. Draped over her breasts, her chestnut hair was longer than I remembered. She’d lined her eyes in a way that brought out their gorgeous hazel color with gold speckles.

  Feeling instantly unwelcome, I lifted my hand. “Hey.”

  She swallowed and, in a barely audible voice, said, “Hi.”

  I looked over my shoulder briefly. “Are you gonna run from me again? I’ve got my tennis shoes on this time. I came prepared.”

  “I really do want to run, to be honest.”

  Ouch. I fiddled with my thumbs. “Can I come in?”

  She stepped aside. “Sure.”

  Looking around, I noticed some of the furniture was the same, like the old couch where we used to sit for movie night. It was about the only thing that felt familiar right now.

  “How are you?” I asked.

  “I’ve been better.”

  “I get it.”

  She looked down at her flip-flops, and I did the same, noticing the red color painted on her toes.

  Farrah finally looked up at me. “I ran the other day because my reaction to seeing you scared me a little. Your leaving hurt me badly, but I’ve come a long way from three years ago. I don’t ever want to be held hostage by my emotions like that again. I would’ve done anything to be with you. It was pathetic.”

  “Pathetic? I don’t remember you that way at all.”

  Her voice grew louder. “Why did you want to see me, Jace?”

  I ran my hands through my hair. “I just want to know you’re okay.”

  “For what? So you can feel better about the decision you made to leave? What’s done is done. Life goes on. I survived. I’ve moved on. I don’t like being reminded of a time I’d rather forget.”

  The pain was reflected in her eyes. As much as she’d tried to sell me on the fact that she’d moved on, that certainly wasn’t the vibe I got, even if she did seem different from the girl I’d left behind.

  There was so much I wanted to say, but all that came out was, “I’m sorry.”

  She deflected. “How is your father?”

  “Pretty lost.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” Her eyes softened. “I know how much she meant to you. It was devastating to hear that Faye passed so suddenly.”

  “Thank you.” I took a few steps toward her, noticing she moved back the same number of steps. “And thank you for the flowers.”

  Her voice was low. “Of course.”

  Farrah’s rigid body language told me not to get comfortable, so I opted not to sit, instead continuing to stand across from her while keeping my space.

  “I was shocked that Nathan came by to see me,” I said. “It meant a lot. I never expected that he’d want to talk to me again, let alone initiate a visit.”

  “Yeah. Well, he’s changed a lot since his accident…finding Jesus and all.”

  “I can see that.”

  “In many ways, it’s like he and I switched places. He’s much more apt to forgive and forget now. Whereas I’m less trusting than I used to be.”

  Well, that was a clear message. For a moment, the silence was deafening. Every time she looked me in the eyes, she’d catch herself and look anywhere else. My eyes, however, stayed fixed on her.

  “Who was the woman with you that day at the restaurant?” she finally asked.

  “My girlfriend…well, my ex-girlfriend now. I don’t really know where she and I stand. We’re taking a break while I’m here.”

  Farrah fidgeted. “I see.” She looked over at the clock. “Well, I actually have to go. I’m going to be late for my shift.”

  Shit. I’d barely had a chance to speak to her, and with her being so cold, I didn’t feel comfortable pushing things.

  “Do you…need a ride?”

  “No.”

  That was a dumb question, but I was desperate for more time with her.

  “Okay. You were walking home the other day. I wasn’t sure if you had a car.”

  “I chose to walk that day for exercise. I have a car.” She pointed out the window. “That’s my Focus parked across the street.”

  Turning around, I spotted the small, blue vehicle. It was a heck of a lot better than the piece of crap she used to drive.

  “Okay…well…I guess I’ll let you get going.”

  Farrah wrapped her arms around herself. “Yeah…”

  Feeling defeated, I forced myself to walk away. The superficial conversation we’d just had left me unsettled. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I hadn’t said everything I’d wanted to say to her. She’d had her guard up. I’d often wondered what a reunion with Farrah would be like. This was nothing like I’d imagined.

  A nagging feeling persisted as I got back in my car and drove off. I’d finally had an opportunity to face her, and I completely blew it.

  The farther I drove, the more I felt like I needed to go back and pour my heart out—tell her how sorry I was for leaving, how much I regretted hurting her. It wouldn’t matter if she said nothing. I should’ve said more.

  Unable to accept my cowardice, I turned my car around and drove back toward her house. Slowing down, I could see her getting into her car in the distance. I stopped short of where she was parked. Farrah didn’t see me because she had her head on the steering wheel. I watched as she sat for a moment, looking distraught.

  This changed things. It was proof that her cold demeanor was a façade, that she was affected by my visit. Anything more I might have to say would only further upset her, though. She had a right to this private moment, and it felt wrong to disrupt her, especially since I was the cause. As much as it pained me not to comfort her, I did what I knew she’d want—I drove away slowly so she’d never know I’d come back.

  • • •

  A few days later, I was surprised to see Nathan’s name pop up on my phone.

  I answered, “Hey, man.”

  “Hey. Are you busy?”

  “No.” I scratched my head. “What’s up?”

  “I was wondering if you had time to stop by. My car won’t start. I don’t think it’s the battery. Something else is up. I was hoping you could take a look. I could take it to the mechanic, but I don’t really trust him. The last time I went there, it cost me a pr
etty penny for a shit job.”

  I suspected he might’ve been looking for an excuse to get together to gauge where things stood with us.

  “Yeah. Sure. I can come by.”

  “Doesn’t have to be right away. I know you must be working at this time of day.”

  “It’s no big deal. My job is pretty flexible. I could use a break from staring at the computer screen.”

  “Cool.”

  There was one thing I needed to know first, though. “Is Farrah home?”

  “No. She’s in class, and she has a shift at the restaurant tonight. She usually goes there straight from school. She won’t be home at all.”

  “Okay, good. I don’t want to upset her.” I paused. “Did she mention anything after I came to see her?”

  “I asked her how it went, but she said she didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t push.”

  “Yeah. It was tense. I didn’t stay long.” I exhaled. “Anyway…I can be there in a bit.”

  • • •

  After two hours, I was able to get Nathan’s car running again. He mostly stood around, watching me as I worked. We reminisced a little about old times, though certainly not about anything that happened three years ago.

  He went into the house at one point and returned with a small paper menu.

  “I’m ordering a pizza, if you’re hungry,” he said.

  “I’m starving, actually. Sounds good.”

  Twenty minutes later, the pizza and breadsticks arrived. He paid the delivery guy, and we took the food inside.

  Nathan set the pizza box on the coffee table in the living room and brought a couple of sodas from the kitchen. While I was fixing his car, Nathan had told me he’d been sober since his accident, so I figured he wouldn’t offer me a beer. He had the latest Formula One race from this past weekend on DVR, and he pulled it up after I’d told him I hadn’t had a chance to watch it yet. Watching Formula One together used to be one of our favorite things to do.

  Even though this resembled old times, I knew things would never be the same again. But maybe this was the start of a new normal.