The Crush

by Ward , Penelope

  A conflicted mix of emotions tore through me. I hated that I could feel the wall I’d put up starting to come down. That terrified me.

  When everyone turned to me, my heart pounded, and the first thing that came out was, “I’m thankful for Xanax.”

  Everyone laughed.

  “Seriously, I’m thankful that even though it’s always been just Nathan and me, today we get to experience a sense of family through our mutual losses. No matter what’s happened in the past, I’m grateful for this day and for this peaceful moment in time with you.” I smiled shyly. “That’s all.”

  Nathan grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Lord, bless this table and this family. Thank you for everything you’ve given us.”

  “Amen,” the four of us said together.

  I let out a breath and began to relax now that Nathan and Phil were digging in. Jace, however? He hadn’t touched the food yet. I could still feel his eyes on me, even though I pretended to be focused on serving myself.

  Chapter 22

  * * *

  Jace

  Despite my nerves earlier, Thanksgiving had turned into a pretty calm day. After dinner, Nathan, Farrah, and I cleaned up while Dad watched football in the living room.

  When Nathan left to join him, Farrah and I were alone in the kitchen. I knew for sure now that my feelings for her were just as intense as they’d been when I left. I tried my best not to get caught staring, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Farrah looked amazing in a form-fitting, tan dress and high heels that made her even taller than she already was. Her long brown hair was almost down to her ass. And what a beautiful ass it was—the perfect size. I had a lot of good memories with that beautiful ass.

  I noticed her humming something. It was familiar. Squinting, I listened intently, determined to recognize the song. Then it hit me.

  “That’s an Evanescence song.”

  “Hmm?” She seemed startled by my interruption as she abruptly stopped wiping the counter.

  “The song you’re singing.”

  “I didn’t realize I was humming.”

  “You were. It was that Evanescence song. What’s it called?”

  She looked away. “‘My Immortal.’”

  “Yeah. That’s right. It’s beautiful.”

  She didn’t acknowledge my sentiment. Instead, she turned and continued what she’d been doing.

  How the hell was I supposed to stay in Palm Creek and keep these feelings inside? The pressure to tell her how I felt was immense. When I was away, it was out of sight, out of mind. But tonight? It took everything in me not to unleash my feelings. The words were still at the tip of my tongue as I piled the last of the food into a Tupperware container.

  Let me make you happy, Farrah. Give me another chance to be the kind of man you deserve. I promise I would rather die than hurt you again.

  When the doorbell rang, my stomach sank. I knew she was expecting her boyfriend for dessert. I’d hoped he wouldn’t show.

  Farrah left the kitchen to answer the door. Reluctantly, I followed her into the living room.

  Nathan had already let Niles inside.

  “Hey, how was your dinner?” she asked him.

  “It was good,” he said. “I missed you.” When he leaned in to kiss her, I had to look away. It hurt more than the last time.

  Seeming nervous, Farrah turned to face me. “You remember my brother’s friend, Jace.” Then she gestured over to my father. “And this is his dad, Phil.”

  He offered his hand to my father. “Nice to meet you, sir.” Then he lifted his chin toward Nathan. “What’s up.”

  “Hey,” Nathan droned, seeming just as happy to see this guy as I was.

  Niles didn’t even make eye contact with me. That made me wonder if Farrah had mentioned our past. Either way, that didn’t stop me from glaring at him. I couldn’t help it. I wanted him gone.

  He wrapped his arms around her from the back, which made me cringe.

  “Hey, good news…” he told her. “Over dinner today we decided to spend Christmas in North Carolina. You’d better take some time off. You’re coming with us.”

  Farrah blinked, seeming like she didn’t know what to say about that. So nice of him to offer her a choice about going.

  “Whereabouts in North Carolina?” I asked, forcing him to acknowledge me.

  “North. The mountains. We have a house there.” He looked over at Nathan. “You need to come, too. I know she’s not gonna want to leave your ass alone.”

  “No, thank you,” Nathan said. “I’ll be just fine here. Don’t worry about me, Farrah, if you want to go.”

  Farrah chewed on her lip. “I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.”

  I knew it had to be difficult for Nathan to concede to her leaving over Christmas. I was certain the idea of her spending the holidays out of state with this guy bummed him out.

  “You won’t be alone anyway,” I said. “Dad and I will need a place to crash again. Christmas will be no easier for us than Thanksgiving. You’re stuck with us.”

  Nathan’s expression brightened. “Sounds like a plan.”

  Farrah thumbed in the direction of the kitchen. “I’m gonna get the desserts ready.”

  After she left, Niles turned to Nathan. “Can I talk to you outside for a minute?” His voice was low.

  Nathan shrugged and reluctantly stood up. “Uh…sure.”

  What the hell is that about?

  He’d better not have been bullying Nathan into taking that damn liquor store job again. It was interesting that he’d waited until Farrah went into the kitchen, like he didn’t want her to know he was accosting Nathan. My fists tightened. I wanted to punch him.

  I watched them talking out the window. Nathan looked tense as he listened to whatever Niles had to say. Tempted to go out there, I refrained.

  After a few minutes, they came back inside. I’d known Nathan long enough to see that something Niles had said out there definitely irked him. As soon as I got the chance, I’d have to ask him what happened.

  Niles sat down next to Dad, and they started shooting the shit about the game.

  I could see Farrah in the dining room setting up the dessert plates. I’d been so preoccupied that I’d neglected to see if she needed anything. No other lazy asses in this house had offered to help.

  “What can I do?” I asked, popping my head in.

  She didn’t look up at me. “Nothing. Go sit. I’m just warming the pies. I’ll call everyone when dessert is ready.”

  Farrah looked around, as if she’d forgotten where she’d put something. She seemed rushed and tense. I wanted to hug her, take all of her stress away. Rather than leave the doorway, I continued to watch her. I don’t think I realized I hadn’t moved until she said, “What?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re looking at me like you want to say something.”

  I shook my head. “I’m sorry. No. I’m just…” I said nothing else.

  All of the unspoken words continued to bubble in my chest. But if I couldn’t say them earlier in the truck, now was certainly not the right time with Niles in the next room.

  Once everyone gathered around the table, it was clear that someone was going to have to stand, since there weren’t enough chairs. Niles was the fifth wheel who’d disrupted our peaceful family gathering of four, but I quietly volunteered by taking my pie to the corner of the room and leaning against the wall. I watched Niles like a hawk as he turned to speak to my father.

  “So, Phil, what is it that your company does?”

  “I own Muldoon Construction.”

  “No shit? You guys handled the renovation of the old strip mall into apartments, right?”

  My father nodded proudly. “Yes, indeed we did.”

  “My cousin lives there. He’s always complaining about the cheap particleboard in the kitchen.”

  Farrah’s eyes narrowed. “Niles…”

  What the fuck?

  It was a miracle I hadn’t punche
d him yet.

  Dad’s response couldn’t have made me any happier. “Well, you tell your cousin that unless he wants to pay more rent to live in the best section of town, he’d better kiss the ass of that particleboard.”

  Niles stuffed his face with apple pie, and thankfully, he shut up after that.

  What the hell does she see in this guy?

  “Hey, Jace. You mind if I show you that thing with my car I was telling you about?” Nathan suddenly asked.

  I squinted before realizing he was bullshitting just to get me alone. Placing my plate on the corner of the table, I said, “Yeah.” I patted my dad on the shoulder. “Be right back.”

  “Is it so urgent that you have to leave the table in the middle of dessert, Nathan?” Farrah asked.

  “Yeah. I don’t want to forget. Sorry. It’s been bugging me. It won’t take long.”

  Once outside, I made sure we stood away from the window so Niles couldn’t see us.

  I kept my voice down. “What’s up, man?”

  “We have to do something about him.”

  “About Niles?”

  “Yes.”

  “What happened?”

  “He’s trying to convince me to go up to North Carolina for Christmas with them because he doesn’t think Farrah will leave me alone here.”

  “So just tell him no.”

  “The reason he wants to make sure she goes is because he’s planning to propose to her there.”

  I suddenly became conscious of the Earth spinning. Running my hand through my hair, I muttered, “Fuck.”

  “Jace, be honest with me, okay?”

  Swallowing hard, I nodded. “Alright.”

  “Are you still in love with my sister? I see the way you look at each other…”

  That was a question I hadn’t addressed aloud until now. But I knew the answer. “I never stopped loving her. I only ever tried to forget about it.”

  “I just want her to be happy.” His voice cracked. “If I felt he made her happy, I wouldn’t try to fight this. But it just seems like she’s…I don’t know…comatose with him. Just going through the motions. I don’t believe for a second that he truly makes her happy. He gives her a sense of security, maybe. But there’s a difference.”

  “I don’t know if Farrah could ever trust me again after what I did, Nathan. You don’t just forget about someone leaving you like that.”

  “I know the hand I played in that. I can’t let my sister marry someone she doesn’t love because she’s too damn scared to get her heart broken again.”

  The door suddenly opened.

  Farrah put her hands on her hips, looking pissed at both of us. As much as I didn’t want her to be mad, the spark in her eyes was better than the emptiness I’d seen before. I’d gladly take any emotion from her right now—even annoyance.

  “What are you guys doing?”

  “Nothing. We’re done. We were just coming in,” Nathan said.

  Her eyes moved between us before she went back inside.

  I was on edge the rest of the night. I never finished my dessert, and although everyone moved to the living room to watch a movie, I couldn’t tell you one thing that happened in it.

  There was only a month between now and Christmas. What if Farrah decided to go to North Carolina and accepted his proposal?

  I had to at least try to get her back, to regain her trust. But that wouldn’t be possible until I learned to trust myself.

  Before Dad and I left that night, Farrah stopped me in the driveway. “That song I was humming in the kitchen earlier tonight? Listen to the words. I played it a lot after you left. It reminds me of you…and of them…of everything.”

  She ran back inside before I could ask her to elaborate. I thought about it the whole ride home, but didn’t want to play the song with Dad in the car, in case it made me lose it.

  The second I got back to the house, I went to my room and pulled up the lyrics to “My Immortal,” desperately trying to decipher them as I played the song. It’s about feelings of abandonment and anger—unconditional love for someone who can’t return it. Depending on how you interpret it, the song could be about someone who died or someone who left unexpectedly.

  You and them.

  Me and her parents.

  I played the song on an endless loop, and it haunted me the entire night.

  Chapter 23

  * * *

  Farrah

  Bouncing Kellianne’s baby in my arms, I looked down at her sweet face. Little Karma had just turned three months old. I’d only previously seen her in the hospital. It was the first time I’d visited my friend at home since she’d given birth. It was also the first time I’d filled her in on Jace’s return to town.

  “How long is he staying?” she asked.

  “Well, that’s the clincher. After all that, he went back to North Carolina a few days after Thanksgiving. He’s there right now.”

  “Already?”

  “Nathan said he wasn’t sure when or if he’d be back. Jace wasn’t specific.”

  He’d been gone for a week. And he hadn’t bothered to say goodbye, although he’d called Nathan to tell him he was leaving.

  “Are you upset?”

  Adjusting the baby in my arms, I said, “I don’t know how I feel, Kellianne. I’ve been fucked-up ever since he returned, but his leaving so abruptly brought back some bad memories.”

  “How do you know he’s not returning?”

  “I don’t, but the bigger problem is…why am I so damn concerned? His coming home was my biggest nightmare for so long. I guess I was just getting used to the idea of having him back in town. I’ve loved the fact that he and my brother found a way to renew their friendship. That made the stress of his return worth it.”

  She folded some of her daughter’s clothes from a basket of laundry. “Have you told Niles about your past with Jace?”

  “Yeah. A while ago. That was a mistake. He was the biggest asshole to Jace’s dad over Thanksgiving.”

  “What made you tell him?”

  “He kept calling me out for acting strangely. He thought I was cheating on him. I’m done lying about stuff. Life is too short. Nothing is ever gained from hiding the truth. I told him everything, and I assured him it didn’t mean anything anymore, that it was a long time ago. But I think it made him insecure. To make matters worse, I’ve been a mess ever since Jace left. Niles can sense that, too.”

  Kellianne sighed. “You still have feelings for Jace. That’s all I know.”

  There was no denying it. “His coming back made me realize that no matter what happened between us, first and foremost, Jace is still my family. And even though his return wasn’t easy on me emotionally, it’s felt like getting a piece of my family back. That’s where I feel safest with Jace at this point—keeping him in that space and not…”

  “Not giving him your heart.”

  “He broke it. But I still care so deeply for him. Just not enough to trust him that way again.”

  “Yeah. I get it.” She took a fidgeting Karma from me and placed the baby on her breast as she grabbed a Boppy pillow.

  The baby immediately latched on.

  I smiled at the sight of my friend breastfeeding her little one. “She’s so precious, Kel.”

  Kellianne looked down at Karma. “Someday you’ll have one of your own.”

  “Hopefully not any time soon. I need to finish school once and for all. But yeah…someday.” I sighed “I want to give a child the kind of life I had as a kid. I want to experience those days again through the eyes of my children. I just need to get my shit together first.”

  She smiled. “You will.”

  My thoughts veered to what Jace had told me about thinking that little girl outside of my old house might have been ours. I wondered for a moment what life would be like if that had been true. I wondered a lot of things as I fell into a daydream. Was Jace reconciling with his ex back in Charlotte? Furthermore, why did I care so damn much?

  On the rid
e home, U2’s “So Cruel” played on the radio. I listened to the words, and it made me wonder if being so cold to Jace since he came back had finally driven him away.

  • • •

  As the days wore on, I became obsessed with the idea of Jace never returning to Palm Creek. I managed to act as normally as possible around Niles, but he wasn’t happy with me, because I’d yet to commit to going to North Carolina with him for Christmas.

  One Friday night, he was particularly miffed because I’d told him I was too tired to hang out. That was the truth. I had a night off from work, and I just wanted to chill at home.

  Nathan and I were watching TV when the sound of a car pulling into the driveway brought my attention to the window.

  “Who’s here?” I asked as I stood up.

  “I don’t know. I’m not expecting anyone.”

  It was an all-too-familiar black truck.

  My heart began to race.

  He’s back.

  I opened the door before Jace had a chance to knock.

  He wore a black leather jacket and smelled like sandalwood. The Christmas lights adorning the front of the house sparkled in his gorgeous eyes.