If You Let Me: An Enemies-to-Lovers Romance

by Nikki Lane

  “Still think you should have bought that shirt,” he said.

  I smirked remembering what it said: Warning. If zombies are chasing us, I’m tripping you.

  “Yeah,” I said, sarcastically. “And you should have bought that blow-up doll.”

  Kieran laughed. “She did kind of look like you.”

  “She did not,” I shrieked. “I have way better cheek bones.”

  “And a better rack.”

  I gaped at him.

  “I’m kidding,” he said, smiling at me before focusing back on the road. “Kind of.” After a few seconds. “Not really.”

  “That’s because mine are real.”

  “Hers did feel artificial.”

  “I did find it odd you were standing next to her for so long,” I said, before yawning.

  I fell asleep for a few minutes, and when I opened my eyes again, we were in my driveway. I lingered in the car, trying to summon the energy to move, while the door alarm dinged.

  “Need help?” he asked, after opening my door.

  “Yes,” I grumbled, reaching my hands out.

  Kieran heaved me out of the car and over his shoulders.

  I shrieked as he bounced me up and down a few times, trying to get each half of my body to balance right on his shoulder. He plopped me down on the porch so I could get the door opened. I threw off my hoodie and tossed it on the kitchen table as he followed me inside. Kieran lingered in the living room while I grabbed a drink of water from the fridge. I offered him some, but he politely declined.

  So, there we were. Alone. In the dark. Not speaking. The silence just growing bigger every second. We both opened our mouths to say something at the same time.

  “You go first,” I insisted.

  “I, uh…I just wanted to say that I had a really nice time. Which I know I said before, but I did. So, thank you. Again.”

  “You’re welcome,” I replied. “And thank you. Again. And sorry for the puke. And yeah…”

  Wow, I should have written speeches for a living.

  I took another sip of water.

  “So, I guess I’ll let you get to bed.”

  “Oh, yeah,” I said, almost forgetting that I had work in the morning.

  He walked a few reluctant steps toward the door. I followed suit, leaving the water bottle on the counter.

  He had one hand on the doorknob. “Maybe we can hang out again soon.”

  “Sure.”

  “Maybe tomorrow?”

  I chuckled. “Okay.”

  “Great.” He opened the door and stepped out. I stood in the opening as he turned around to face me again.

  “Goodnight, Rose.”

  “Goodnight, Kieran.”

  He lingered there, just staring at me. I was having a hard time tearing my eyes away from his. A few more seconds of this eye fucking, and I would need a cigarette.

  Kieran must have felt the same thing because in that instant he came for me. He paused for just a second before placing each hand on either side of my face. He held me there like he was afraid I would run away if he didn’t.

  “Dammit, Rose. What are you doing to me?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, my eyes frantically searching his.

  “You’re just going to let me leave?” He took a few quick breaths. “You’re not going to say anything else?”

  My heart was pounding. “What do you want me to say, Kieran?” My voice cracked.

  “That you miss me,” he cried. “That you fucking miss me as much as I miss you. That you’ve been just as miserable as me.”

  I closed my eyes, a tear escaping from my pressed lids, betraying the assertiveness I was desperately clinging to. “Kieran…” I wanted to say it. It was on the tip of my tongue.

  “I’m so sorry, Rose. I am so fucking sorry for what I did. But I can’t take this anymore. I want you, and I want to know that you feel the same. Tell me you do. Because I can’t stand what’s happened over the last few weeks.”

  More tears fell, streaming down my cheeks. Kieran used a thumb from each hand to tenderly wipe them away. He leaned his face closer and pressed his lips on mine. I exhaled strong, feeling relieved. We stumbled back into the house, our lips still connected. Kieran kicked the door shut with his foot as we lunged into a full on make-out session.

  We stopped just long enough for him to peel off his hoodie, and with it, his shirt came off. And I wasn’t sure if he meant to do that, or if it was one of those things that couldn’t be done well in a hurry. But then I told myself to shut up because he was kissing me again. And he was shirtless. And I should never second-guess why Kieran wanted to be without a shirt again because he was beautiful. And now my shirt was off, too.

  Kieran paused, his eyes soft and bright. “Are we really doing this?” he panted.

  I hesitated. I wanted it. Dammit, I wanted it bad. Did I have the strength to resist him? Maybe three weeks ago when my anger was fresh, when I couldn’t imagine him ever changing. But that seemed so long ago now.

  I didn’t respond and just led him to the bedroom. I was sweaty from all the walking we did. I peeled off my jeans and stripped off my bra and panties as Kieran stood and watched.

  “I’m going in the shower,” I said. I walked into the bathroom and peeked out the door. “Are you coming?”

  I turned on the faucet and the steam started to flood the small space. I stepped under the hot water, feeling the grime of the city wash away. Kieran stepped in after me, and I adjusted the showerhead to fall over him. I ran the shampoo through his hair and let my sudsy fingers travel down his neck and to his shoulders. He grabbed the shampoo bottle and did the same for me. We kissed under the water as the suds washed away.

  Kieran grabbed my loofah and loaded it with body wash. He took his time running it up and down my body. Then it was my turn. And even though I wanted to rush through it so that I could kiss him again, I took my time. I covered every inch of his lean, muscular build with pomegranate and lemon verbena. The water fell, not as hot as before, washing it all away. Kieran pressed his body against mine as I braced my back on the warm shower wall. My hand traveled lower, feeling the extent of his excitement. He groaned into my ear and grabbed a handful of my backside with both hands.

  Kieran led me out of the shower, suds still lingering on our bodies. I barely had time to grab the towel and dry off before he was pulling me toward the bedroom. He kissed me hard and deep, his tongue curling around mine, daring me not to pull away. I couldn’t. He held me closer, our damp bodies pressed together. His lips broke away and traveled down my neck, prickling my skin with goosebumps. My body ached, begging me to end this sweet torture.

  I gently pressed Kieran down on the bed. He reached for the nightstand and pulled open the drawer, looking for the stash of condoms.

  “There’s nothing here,” he mumbled, my mouth refusing to separate with his.

  Shit. That was where I kept the last of them. Kieran came over with so many; I didn’t think it was possible we’d run out so soon. His kisses continued down my chest, and my toes curled when his tongue ran over my skin.

  “It’s okay.” I haphazardly closed the nightstand drawer, desperate to get rid of this ache.

  Kieran’s eyes locked on mine; his approval at what we were about to do was written all over his face. I eased him inside of me, my knees securely wrapped around his waist. I rocked up and down, a low groan emanating out of his mouth.

  “Oh, shit,” Kieran said, burrowing his face into my chest.

  I clutched at the nape of his neck to keep steady. I could feel every inch of him.

  “Rose…”

  I lifted his head so that we were face to face. I didn’t stop, even though he warned me he wouldn’t last long if I kept it up. Just when I thought he was about to burst, I slowed my pace. He grabbed a hold of me and laid me on my back. A slow moan poured out from my mouth as I felt him inside of me again, rocking his hips slow and steady at first and then picking up the pace. I could tell he was struggli
ng, but it didn’t take me much longer to fall over the edge. Kieran’s whole body twitched and jerked as he fell with me. His body went limp on top of mine, his head still buried in the crook my neck. I grasped one of his arms, feeling the tension of his biceps as he held himself up.

  Kieran did a slow crawl next to me, the muscles in his arms twitching a little. I turned over on my stomach, feeling the fatigue of the last few hours hit me all over again.

  “I think you’ve ruined me forever,” he murmured.

  He positioned himself closer to me, the veins in his bicep running blue under his skin. He ran his hand over my back. My eyelids got heavier. I knew I was seconds from sleep.

  “Why’s that?” I said, feeling weightless, in more ways than one.

  I forced my eyelids to stay open, but with Kieran caressing my back, I was slowly losing the battle.

  “Because I’m in love with you,” he murmured. “And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it any other way.”

  A zing of adrenaline surged my eyes open.

  “I love you, Rose,” he repeated.

  His whispered words lingered heavy in the air, refusing to go unnoticed.

  And then I knew why I couldn’t let him go.

  “I love you, too.”

  Chapter 27

  The chill in the air had me shivering even with a coat and scarf. Kieran helped me bring in the pumpkin and apple pies we brought to Dad’s for Thanksgiving. Aunt Sarah said she would take care of the turkey and trimmings if I brought the dessert and wine.

  “Are you sure this is okay?” I asked for the millionth time. “I mean…wouldn’t your family be upset if they knew you’re here with me?”

  “Of course not,” he said, holding the pie boxes with one hand and my hand in the other. “Like I’ve been saying all week…I told them that I’m just too busy with school, and I won’t be able to make the trip.”

  “I just feel guilty that you lied. And I feel like it was so nice of them to invite me that we should at least stop by.”

  “I didn’t lie.”

  I shot him a look.

  “Okay, I did lie. But they’re so friggin over the moon that I’m back in school, which they are convinced is because of you, that it doesn’t matter. I think they prefer that I’m home studying.”

  “If you want to just meet with them. I don’t have to go. You can swing by and pick me up. Really, it’s not a big deal.”

  Kieran stopped in the middle of the walkway. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. I thought I saw a few snowflakes fall. “It’s just…I’m sure you’d prefer a big family gathering at your parents’ house rather than just me, my dad, and my aunt.”

  “I prefer to be with you. That’s it.” He kissed my forehead. “Now can we go in? I’m freezing my ass off.”

  I didn’t have to knock because Dad was at the door to greet us. He enveloped me in a hug and retrieved the bottle of wine from my hand.

  “Kieran.” He held out his hand with a smile.

  I finally introduced them a few weeks back when Dad’s car was on the fritz. Kieran brought Scott over to take a look, and Dad ending up saving a ton of money. Every phone call since then Dad would ask about how he was doing. Sometimes, Kieran would steal the phone to talk to him. Apparently, they shared a mutual love of flowers and talking about me like I wasn’t there. It was only slightly annoying, but secretly I was relieved that Dad approved.

  Kieran accepted the gesture. “Mr. Samuels.”

  Dad pulled him in for a hug and gave him a few pats on the back. “Rob please. Mr. Samuels makes me sound too old.”

  “Smells good in here,” I said.

  “Food is just about ready,” Dad said, walking into the small dining room.

  Aunt Sarah set the table with the fancy plates and silverware my mom left behind.

  I helped get food on the table while Dad and Kieran found their seats. Aunt Sarah always outdid herself on the holidays, and this was no different. We all took turns passing bowls around the table. I ate until I couldn’t fit another bite, waited fifteen minutes, and then ate some more.

  Aunt Sarah and I started to clear the table and tried to figure out what to do with the leftovers. Kieran and Dad loaded the dishwasher and then plopped down on the couch to watch football. But they weren’t paying attention to the television. They were talking about all the work Kieran wanted to do outside my dad’s house. I snuck a peek in the middle of drying a pot to see Kieran drawing a diagram on a piece of paper and Dad eagerly looking on. I smiled and put the pot away after I ran the cloth over it.

  I set the dessert out while Aunt Rose brewed the coffee and mentioned about heading back home early since she didn’t like driving late at night. She skipped dessert, and I thanked her profusely before walking her to the door. It was reassuring to know she was nearby. She and Dad were always close, but they grew even more so when her husband died earlier that year.

  The dining room table was cleaned up, so I set the pies on the coffee table and cut big pieces out with a knife. After the three of us were settled with pie and coffee, we all found a seat in the living room, the TV filling the void of conversation as we ate and sipped. I imagined things being different had we been at Kieran’s house. His mom would probably be in the kitchen, taking out a giant turkey out of one of the double wall ovens. His dad yelling as the dogs made another pass through the house, yapping with those annoying barks that come out of small breeds. His sister and husband laughing as they talked about their honeymoon. And I’m sure all the aunts and uncles and cousins, and grandparents—even a great grandparent—I met at the wedding. He had so much family, and I got why it could be a little overwhelming. But it was always just me and Dad, and on occasion, Aunt Sarah, who—thank God—was there during some of those awkward times, like getting my first period. All my grandparents died either before I was born or when I was still young, and the few photos that were around held the only memories I had of them.

  “Rose,” Kieran said, setting down his empty plate on the table beside the couch. “You should play something.” He nodded toward the piano.

  “No,” I said, taking another bite of pie. “That’s a terrible idea.”

  “Come on,” he said. “I haven’t heard you play since that day.”

  Dad’s eyes flickered between Kieran and me. “Rose played for you?”

  “Yeah,” Kieran said. “She blew me away.”

  “Rose? This Rose?” Dad pointed to me from where he was sitting. “Are you sure?”

  I rolled my eyes and took a sip of coffee. “We get it, Dad.”

  Kieran looked confused.

  “I haven’t heard Rose play that piano in forever.”

  “Rose,” Kieran said. “Is this true?”

  “Maybe.” I kept my eyes on my plate.

  “But you’re so good,” Kieran said.

  “That’s because she’s a natural. She was born to play. Just like her mother.”

  It was hard to accept that as a compliment. I knew even after what she did to us, Dad still loved her. She just couldn’t accept the life he had to offer. I didn’t want to be compared to someone who so easily walked away from those who loved her the most.

  “Play something,” Kieran said. “Please?”

  Dad held the coffee cup in mid-air, both he and Kieran hanging on my reply.

  I took a deep breath, suddenly regretting those last few bites of pie. I glanced at Dad, who looked like he was going to faint at what I was about to do, as he clicked off the television. I hadn’t played for him since I was little. I usually waited to practice until after he left the house. He was almost convinced that I’d given up. But that wasn’t it at all. I just held back in front of him, and maybe because I was afraid it would remind him too much of Mom.

  I dusted off my hands, trying to lose some lingering piecrust crumbs. I sat down at the bench and lifted the lid.

  “What should I play?”

  “Something you ha
ven’t played in a while,” Dad said.

  I placed the tips of my fingers in position on the keys and took a deep breath. It would be harder to play this time around. I could feel the eyeballs boring into the back of my head. I played the song again, closing my eyes for a few brief moments. The melody enveloped the room, and I was grateful that I couldn’t see Dad’s face.

  I turned after I was finished. Dad’s eyes were a little misty. It wasn’t a long song or even that difficult to play. But it was the one my mom gave me to learn right before she left. I practiced that fucking song over and over until I could play it with my eyes closed. It was the first time I saw Dad get emotional over her in years, and I started to regret my choice. But then I saw a small smile curl his lips, and for the first time in a while I felt like he was actually seeing me as the daughter I was instead of the fragment of someone that used to love him.

  “Beautiful,” Kieran said.

  Dad cleared his throat. “How about another one?”

  I smiled, relieved, and turned back around to play some more.

  Chapter 28

  I was late. Not for an appointment. Not to meet Shelby for lunch. No, I was dash-to-the-pharmacy-and-hope-nobody-recognizes-you late. I had never been late. Maybe once, but I was like twelve and just barely got my period for the first time. Sometime at work between bringing back an undercooked steak to the kitchen and picking the onions out of a salad, it dawned on me. For the rest of the night I scurried around the restaurant, only half paying attention to what I was doing, while I thought about all the unhealthy activities I’d partaken in the last few weeks. Why didn’t it occur to me it had been over four weeks since I felt moody, crampy, and bloated?

  I finished my first shift at the restaurant in over two weeks. I wasn’t sure how much longer I would hang on to this job. I had made good progress on getting back on my feet. Plus, I was walking on thin ice. I requested another weekend off and had to finagle with my boss so I could switch my shift to a weekday. Shelby and I hadn’t seen each other in a while, so she was stopping by later that night.