If You Let Me: An Enemies-to-Lovers Romance

by Nikki Lane

  “No, thank you,” I replied.

  “Well, this is the kitchen, obviously, and the great room over there.” She pointed to the backyard. “There’s the sunroom.” She opened the fridge door, which matched the rest of the white cabinetry, to grab a bottle of water. “Why don’t I show where you’re staying, and you can get settled in?”

  I nodded and followed her upstairs.

  “There’s four bedrooms,” she said when we reached the top of the stairs. “The master bedroom is down the hall there. This room we use as an office. And this room will be a nursery one day. Hopefully.”

  I was hit with a stab of pain. I couldn’t start crying now. Thankfully, I was able to fight off the tears.

  She wrapped her hand around the doorknob of the room on the opposite side of the hallway. “This room has the most comfortable bed, and it’s all yours.”

  It was surprisingly large with moss green colored walls and wide plank hardwood floor. The large bed was centered in the room. I saw snow start to fall through the oversized window.

  “It’s perfect,” I said, setting my bag down on the bed. “Thank you.”

  She smiled. “John should be home any minute now. We have reservations for dinner and then we have tickets for a show at the theater.”

  “Sounds great.” I pushed a smile, not wanting to seem unappreciative.

  “Okay, well. I’ll let you get settled. Come down when you’re ready.” She gave me one last smile before closing the door.

  I sat on the bed, testing the springs of the mattress. The snow came down a little heavier. I pulled my phone out of my pocket. One text from Shelby, asking if I got to Kelly’s okay. I texted her back and tossed the phone on the bed.

  I decided on another shower, even though I didn’t feel all that dirty. I just wanted to feel the hot water on my muscles to try and get rid of the chill deep in my bones. I didn’t want to be rude and keep Kelly and John waiting. I hurried to get dressed and did my hair. I grabbed my phone from the bed and tucked it into my purse before heading back downstairs.

  We managed to make it through dinner without mentioning Kieran once. At first, I found it strange. But when I really thought about it, it made more sense. They were used to Kieran’s absence. Acting normal, even though he wasn’t there, wasn’t a struggle at all for them. For me, though, it was harder than I was letting up. I didn’t check my phone, not wanting to seem like I was waiting for him to call.

  Watching Kelly and John, it was easy to see why they made such a good couple. They were completely unguarded with one another. They seemed to look at each other with open eyes. No secrets. No holding back. Wasn’t that the whole point of being in love?

  I wanted to pitch in for dinner, but John refused to accept my money. I added another twenty to the server’s tip. Once we were in the car, headed to the theater, I used the darkness of the backseat to my advantage. I hit the top button on my phone and was startled to see Kieran’s missed calls. He texted, too, asking me to call.

  Kelly asked me a question, but I barely heard her as I debated what to do. I wanted to call. I wanted to hear the sound of his voice. To hear his apology. To hear him fucking grovel. To hear him tell me he loved me no matter what, and whatever the situation we would get through it together.

  “Rose?” she asked, turning to look at me from the front passenger seat.

  “I’m sorry, what?” I asked, hoping I didn’t sound like a total flake.

  “Do you like big band music?”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “Good, because it was the only show I could get tickets to see at the last minute. I heard it’s very good.”

  I smiled. “Can’t wait.”

  She hesitated a few seconds before asking, “Is everything all right?”

  “Yeah,” I said, a little too eagerly. “Everything’s fine. Just ate too much of that dessert.”

  “I told you it was good,” John chimed in.

  I locked my phone and zipped it back in my purse, relieved when Kelly started to distract me with conversation. John started to spout out information about the theater we were going to, saying it first opened in 1937 with Vaudeville acts, including Abbott and Costello. Kelly made a teasing comment that he was going to put me to sleep before we even got there. I chuckled, and for the first time all day, I felt confident I could make it to the end of the night without calling Kieran.

  * * * *

  The show was surprisingly enjoyable. And even though I wouldn’t be running to iTunes to download the latest big band hits, I found myself slapping my thigh and giggling as John embarrassed the shit out of Kelly by dragging her to the middle of the aisle to dance. She resisted at first but gave in to him. A few people clapped when the song ended. She returned to her seat, face flush but smiling. They were so happy and fun to be around. I couldn’t imagine why Kieran worked so hard to avoid them.

  On our way back to the house, I couldn’t wait to hit the bed. I still had a full belly from dinner, and the heat in the car was lulling me to sleep. I closed my eyes for a second when I heard John ask about the truck parked behind my car.

  “That looks like Kieran’s truck,” Kelly said as John pulled into the driveway.

  My eyes shot open. I craned my neck out of the opposite window to see. The door to Kieran’s black pick-up truck opened before he hopped out, holding an overnight bag. My heart kicked into stampede mode as I got out of the car. I didn’t make direct eye contact.

  “A little late, little brother.” Kelly reached out her arms and gave him a good hug. “But I’m glad you came.”

  “Better late than never, right?”

  “Glad to see you, bro.” John held out his hand, and when Kieran grabbed it, he pulled him in for a man hug complete with a few stiff pats on the back.

  Then it was my turn. Kieran’s eyes finally met mine. The butterflies swirled in my stomach. I felt like I was set up on a blind date. Except these eyes that bore into me were achingly familiar.

  “Rose.” The uncertainty dripped from his lips.

  He reached for a hug, and even though I was still seething mad, I returned the gesture. I didn’t want it to be awkward in front of Kelly and John. Although, that ship had probably sailed the minute I showed up there alone. His hug was strong, and I inhaled the sharp scent of his skin. It stirred something inside of me, and for a minute, I didn’t think I would be able to tear away. Kieran stepped back and gave me a soft peck. The moisture left from his kiss froze on my lips.

  “Are you planning to hang around?” Kelly asked.

  The snow that let up earlier in the day started to fall again in big fluffy flakes.

  “That’s why I got the bag,” he said, holding it up.

  “Great,” John said. “Now, let’s go inside before I freeze my nuts off.”

  Kelly’s mouth hung open as she gave John a playful slap on the shoulder.

  Inside, Kieran raided the fridge while John plopped down on the couch. Kelly made some microwave popcorn that filled the kitchen with a buttery smell.

  “You two up for watching a movie?”

  It was nearly eleven, and I could barely hold back my incessant yawning. “I think I’m going to call it a night.” I yawned again. “Sorry,” I said. “I don’t know why I’m so tired.”

  “Don’t feel bad,” Kelly replied. “John has that effect on people.”

  I smiled as John griped some retort from the couch. My eyes flickered to Kieran who wasn’t looking at me but had a smile on his face and two cheeks stuffed with food.

  “Thanks again for tonight. I had a lot of fun.”

  Kelly smiled and said goodnight as she poured the popcorn into the bowl. John held up his hand from the couch and said something in a foreign language, which I assumed meant goodnight. Kieran said nothing, just continued to chew.

  Upstairs, I peeled off my sweater and jeans and rummaged through my bag for a t-shirt and a pair of Kieran’s boxers that he left at my house. The room was dark, save for the faint moonlight streaming
through the window. I lay on my side, watching as the snowflakes fell fast and heavy. I remembered Mom telling me once that the fat flakes never lasted long enough to stick to the ground. It’s funny the memories that are tucked deep into the recesses of your mind. I couldn’t remember what she smelled like anymore, but I could recount the simplest of conversations we had when I was six.

  There was a light knock on my door. I got up and opened it.

  “Can I come in?” Kieran was holding his bag and resting his free hand on the doorjamb.

  I let the door hang open, hearing the television blaring from downstairs. I sat down on the bed and crossed my arms and legs. If that wasn’t a clear message than I didn’t know what was. He either wasn’t getting it, or he didn’t care because he closed the door and sat down next to me, close enough that our legs were touching.

  “How did you know I was here?”

  “Shelby. I got worried when you didn’t respond, and you weren’t at home.”

  “Well, I didn’t think it was right to bail on your sister again. Sometimes it pays to stick around.”

  He let out a heavy breath, and I knew the jab got through to him.

  He leaned over and held the top of his head, his elbows resting on his knees. “I’m sorry, Rose. I acted like a huge asshole.”

  I didn’t say anything, just jiggled my foot, waiting for him to continue.

  “I—I was just so upset that I couldn’t see straight.”

  I bounced up from the bed, remembering to control my voice since we weren’t the only ones in the house. “You were upset? You?” I scoffed and crossed my arms again. “You are fucking unbelievable.”

  He stood up, too. “That’s not how I meant it.”

  “You left me, Kieran. At the most fucked-up time. When I really needed you. You didn’t even have the decency to stay long enough to find out what happened.”

  “I didn’t need to.”

  “Oh, that’s right. Because it’s impossible.” I gestured the enormity of that assumption with my hands.

  “Not impossible. But very, very unlikely.”

  He was getting upset, but I wasn’t letting him get away so easy. If he wanted to prove to me that this relationship was as important to him as it was to me, I needed him to break down the concrete wall he built so well around himself. I poked a hole through it. It was small, but enough to cause a larger crack.

  “Why, Kieran? Tell me why two people who have unprotected sex can’t get pregnant?”

  His jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. The same jagged look he got when I would find him doing crazy shit outside in the middle of the night.

  “Because I…” His voice was level but tense, like his vocal cords were protesting the words. “Because I can’t fucking have kids that way. Okay?”

  He said it to me before, that night. But it came out different this time. Or maybe it just sounded different to me because it finally clicked. And I wasn’t exactly clear when he said that way, but I didn’t care. He was finally starting to open up. And it looked like it pained the shit out of him. I held my fingers to my mouth. He couldn’t look at me.

  “I can’t have kids. And I know that’s something you want. And I didn’t want to tell you until…I don’t know, until the time was right. If there is such a fucking thing.”

  I sat down on the little armchair tucked into the corner of the room as he sat back down on the bed. “And I thought that if you were pregnant, then it meant it wasn’t mine. And that you really didn’t love me. And that someone else could give you something I knew you wanted that I couldn’t. Not the way I always envisioned it at least.”

  My heart sunk to my stomach. I resisted the urge to run to the bathroom to puke. “You trust me enough to think I would cheat on you?”

  “No,” he said, like he was the one who should have been offended. “I know that’s what it sounds like but—”

  “That’s what you just said.”

  “I know, but it took me thirty seconds after I walked out that door to realize that I was fucking insane.”

  “But you didn’t come back.”

  He looked up at me. “I wanted to. I should have. But I was ashamed.”

  I took a deep breath, feeling the tears prickle the inside of my eyes. “You should have told me this before. I love you, Kieran. How could you think I would ever do something like that to you?”

  He didn’t say anything, just stared back at me. I was confused before I made the trip here. Having Kieran next to me was only making it worse. Was he going to run and disappear like this with every obstacle we came across? I didn’t want to be left to figure things out for myself every time there was trouble. I wanted someone to count on. Someone to get through the tough time together.

  “I can’t count on you, Kieran,” I said. “And that scares me.”

  I got up and headed to the bathroom. “I think it’s better if you sleep in the other room,” I said, before closing the door.

  When I came back out, he was gone.

  Chapter 30

  When I woke up the next morning, my eyes still ached from crying. The snow stopped, and there was a thin layer of slush on Kieran’s truck. I was a little surprised he was still there. It took me a while to fall asleep last night. Kieran’s words kept replaying in my head. It didn’t make sense. There had to be more to the story.

  I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I jumped in the shower and dressed before heading downstairs. When I opened the door, I heard Kelly and John in the kitchen, the smell of breakfast pulling me in that direction. I glanced at the closed door of the other spare bedroom and wondered if they knew that Kieran and I didn’t spend the night together.

  I was relieved when Kieran wasn’t downstairs. I wanted to talk to him, but not here. Besides, I needed time to think about the right words to say, to calm my racing brain for a while to process everything.

  Kelly already looked like she was ready to walk out the door, while John scrolled through his iPad at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. They both offered upbeat good mornings, and I couldn’t tell if they knew anything about last night’s conversation.

  “How’d you sleep?” Kelly asked.

  “Fine,” I said, taking a sip of the orange juice she poured for me. “You’re right. That bed is super comfortable.”

  She smiled and cracked a few eggs into a bowl. After breakfast, Kieran still hadn’t come downstairs.

  “So, Rose,” Kelly said as she put away the dishes I was washing. “I thought maybe you and I could sneak away for a little today. Let the boys do…whatever the hell they do. How’s a little shopping sound?”

  “Great,” I said with a smile.

  I didn’t have to force it. I wanted to be away from Kieran but felt bad leaving to go home early. I was nothing, if not polite.

  After helping Kelly clean up from breakfast, I ran upstairs to grab my purse and quickly came back down, not wanting to run into Kieran on his way to the bathroom. Kelly gave John a sarcastic thank-you for being so helpful with breakfast, and he returned the gesture with a smart-ass comment and a lame wave. She rolled her eyes and smiled as we headed to the garage.

  The mall wasn’t far, but it was big. I liked hanging out with Kelly. She had that cool older sister vibe that I wished Kieran would appreciate more. We strolled the mall for a few hours, talking cashmere and denim and other stuff that I was happy to distract myself with. I bought a few things, and Kelly cursed all the bags in her hands, knowing John would give her shit when she got home.

  “Sometimes, a girl’s just got to shop,” she said as we loaded the bags into the car. “That’s why they call it retail therapy, right?”

  I smiled and nodded, not feeling much better after spending fifty overpriced dollars on two shirts that I was certain I wouldn’t even wear.

  Kelly checked her watch as she closed the trunk of the car. “It’s still early. Want to grab some lunch?”

  “Sure,” I replied.

  When we got to the restaurant, we were
seated right away despite the crowded dining room. After a quick trip to the bathroom, I returned to the table as the server was pouring the water. I struggled with what to order, my stomach still in knots from last night. I decided on a salad, while Kelly chose a cheeseburger and fries. I had to hand it to her. She had an amazing figure, but the girl could eat. It made me like her even more.

  I took a sip of water, hearing my phone vibrate in my purse. It was Kieran, wondering where I was. He used five question marks and one exclamation point. I tossed it back into my purse with disgust.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said, resting my hands on the table. I grabbed the little piece of paper that covered the end of my straw and pulled it apart. “I think your brother’s upset that we went out without him.”

  “That’s not surprising.”

  “Why?” I asked, startled by her response.

  She took a sip of her drink and puckered her lips before forming them into a straight line. My phone buzzed with another text message from Kieran, demanding to know where we were.

  “He’s been a little guarded since Aiden died. I guess it’s part of the reason why he moved an hour away from us all. Made it easier to ignore us.”

  My heart hammered in my chest. She had this twinkle in her eye like she held some very sacred information.

  “Were they close? Kieran barely talks about him. He never talks about anything. Except rocks.”

  “The boy can talk about rocks.” She stared at her cocktail napkin, a faint smile on her face as she sloshed the straw around the ice.

  “Can I ask you something?” I said, leaning in closer toward the middle of the table.

  She ducked her head and nodded.

  “Did Kieran really get into Princeton?”

  Her head shot back up. “He told you that?”

  I sagged back in the seat. “Well, yeah. I mean…he was high when he did.”

  “Ugh, well that makes sense.”

  I shrugged. “It loosens his lips a bit.”

  She sighed heavy. “I guess there’s worse things he could do.”