Head Over Feels

by Scott, S. L.

  “In the morning?” I ask, taken aback. “There is no morning for us.” Using his previous demonstration, I hold my fingers together and then pull them apart. “This is us in the morning. You, living your life, and me, living mine. There is no morning for us. This is it.”

  “Tealey?” Those feelings he tries so hard to ignore wash through him, and for the first time, it’s not sadness but pain he feels. “Don’t leave.”

  “I can’t stay. The pain’s too much for me as well.”

  This time, he reaches for me, but I move my hand away. He asks, “How did I hurt you?”

  “By trying to be something you’re not.”

  “What is that?”

  “Honest.”

  He needs to hear the truth, mine, even at the sacrifice of what might have been and now will never be.

  This is what I’ll always remember, the moment his lies—his selfishness—caught up with him. While searching for the meaning in relation to himself, recognition of my words finally sets in. “I’ve been honest with you, Tealey.”

  “No. All you do is lie like the cheaters you represent. You’re no better than them. You’re just smart enough not to put a ring on it.” Turning to the car when the driver comes for my suitcase, I say, “I’ll be out of the apartment before you return from work on Monday.”

  “I don’t want you out of the apartment,” he says in a plea and takes my hand. I let him this time, wanting to feel the burn of his touch once more to remind me never to trust him again. “I don’t want you to leave at all.”

  Glancing at our hands, I used to wonder what it would be like to have him want to hold me in such a way that the world would know my heart was his and his was mine.

  That’s not what this is. This is the desperation of a man who thought he could deceive and win.

  I pull back once more, putting whatever distance I can between us, and then say, “Let me go, Rad.”

  His grasp tightens, but I manage to free myself—from him, the entanglements of living together, and our relationship—all at once. “I’m choosing Poughkeepsie.”

  38

  Rad

  My soul drove away in a stranger’s blue sedan.

  And I stood there and let it happen. Why’d I let her go?

  Why didn’t I fight harder to get her to stay?

  The answer is simple: I don’t know what I was fighting against.

  My life has been built around having the better argument to sway a judge, and I couldn’t talk my girlfriend into having a five-minute conversation. Five minutes. Would that have been enough time to undo the damage she thinks I’ve done?

  My head throbs from the stress and lack of sleep. Not having Tealey here with me is a loss deeper and more painful than I could’ve imagined. It’s worsened by the fact that I don’t know what went wrong.

  Does she not understand how I feel about her? How could she not? I did everything to earn her trust by making us the priority. Granted, I fucked up a lot along the way, but I knew she saw me trying.

  I was happily changing my life for her. Only her. And now she’s gone anyway.

  Why?

  The sun is rising like this is any other ordinary day. It’s not. It’s the first day that I’m waking up without Tealey. Nothing about that is right. My day starts and ends because she’s a part of them. The middle is just a blur of hours I spend trying to get back home to her.

  I push the glass across the island, letting it crash into the empty bottle.

  Fuck feelings.

  I can say it like a mantra, but it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t believe it. I stood firmly behind that motto until I met Tealey. Until I fell in love with her.

  With her gone, I feel empty, like the bottle of bourbon.

  What happened?

  Jean-Luc?

  Marlow?

  The wedding?

  Bob and Lorie?

  My work?

  There are too many things to list to lead me to what went wrong, except one—the truth.

  Staring at the phone in front of me, I’ve let messages pile up from everyone from Jackson to my mom. Not one of them was from Tealey. I hop off the countertop, needing a shower to help wash away the grime from the past twenty-four hours. I’d like to get a clear head so I can see the situation in a new light.

  When the screen on my phone lights up, I’m quick to glance down. I can’t lie that I’m disappointed seeing it’s not a message from Tealey.

  Ashleigh: Are you available?

  It’s Sunday, so her needing to talk is unusual. Business never ends.

  Me: Depends . . .

  My phone rings, and I answer it because she knows I’m always fucking available, which has always been one of Tealey’s biggest issues with me. “Hello?”

  “Hi, boss, sorry to catch you on the weekend, but I was reviewing the deposition for the Lewis case and found items listed in the file that didn’t correlate.”

  “Why are you working today?” I scrub over my jaw, feeling the need for a shave.

  “I like to get a jump start on the week ahead.”

  I swear I’ve said those exact words. “I don’t want you working today, Ashleigh. Enjoy the Sunday. Spend time with your loved ones. Relax. All of this can be worked out in the office on Monday.”

  “But—”

  “I’m serious. Nothing is more important than spending time with those you care about.”

  “What’s going on?” she asks, her concern traveling the line. “Why are you saying this?”

  I swallow my emotions, but it lumps in my throat, refusing to go down. Letting my personal life interfere with work has never been a struggle. Until now. “Sorry. I have a lot on my mind.” I walk to crack open a window, thinking fresh air would serve me well, but change my mind at the last second when I realize I’d lose the last of her scent. It may be faint, but it’s kept me company all night.

  Ashleigh’s silence begins to make me uncomfortable. The unflappable attorney is shaken by his own assistant. That’d go over well with the firm. I can’t even hold my own with her. “What? Say it. I can tell you want to.”

  “You’re not happy.” I could address that accusation a million different ways, but I let it go because it’s not untrue. “And I’m worried about you.”

  “Don’t do this, Ashleigh. I can’t get caught up in what’s happening in personal dramas. That takes my eye off my job.”

  “From the sounds of it, you’re already caught up in it. As you should be. It’s your life. It’s what matters most, like finding happiness.”

  “I’m happiest when my clients are happy.”

  But as soon as the line that I’ve spewed a hundred times before passes my lips, I know it’s a lie. That’s not what makes me happy. Not anymore.

  “I owe my full attention to my clients.”

  “No, you don’t.” Her tone is firm, raised to be heard. “You owe them the hours they paid for. They don’t own you outside of the business day. Day. Not night.”

  “Coming from the woman working on Sunday.” I sigh, not wanting to argue with her. “My entire fucking career has been built on being available twenty-four seven, Ashleigh.”

  “Your career is going to be the death of you,” she snaps back.

  “It already is.” I drop my head into my hands, resting my elbows on the island. Squeezing my eyes shut, I say, “She left me, Ashleigh.”

  There’s a pause, and then she whispers, “Who?”

  “It was our secret, only for the time being.”

  Her sigh has me clamping my mouth shut. She knows without me saying the name. “Tealey. Oh Rad, I’m sorry to hear your pain. I can hear how much you care about her.”

  “I love her.” The words came out quieter than how I feel when I say them. Shouting my love for Tealey Bell from the rooftop has always been the goal when it comes to her.

  “Aw, boss,” she says, her tone not as heavy as before. “Love is an amazing thing. It can make you feel on top of the world or cut you to the bone.
Sometimes the right person makes you experience both.”

  “The right, or do you mean the wrong person?”

  “The wrong person doesn’t make you feel anything at all.”

  Tealey’s words from last night come back to haunt me—you don’t feel anything at all. Right, Counselor?

  I do feel, though. Because of her, I feel alive for the first time. “I feel everything for her.”

  “Talk to her.” There’s an edge of excitement to her tone, a confidence that I needed to hear. “If you can be as open with your heart and emotions as you have been just now with me, she’ll hear you.” Seeming satisfied, she adds, “And I’m taking the rest of the day off to enjoy it. I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early?”

  “Unfortunately, for you, yes.”

  She laughs lightly. “Good luck, Rad.”

  “Thanks.”

  She’s right. I must find a way to reach Tealey and beg her to give me a second chance. But first, I need to shower. No way am I facing her smelling like whiskey and looking like shit.

  * * *

  It takes me too long to figure out what to wear. I gravitate toward button-up shirts and dress pants, and although I know Tealey thinks I’m attractive when I’m put together, I need to appeal to her senses. I see the way she stares at my arms and ogles my ass when I’m in a T-shirt and jeans.

  The problem is, my wardrobe, like my life, is bland without her. I’m desperate to get to her, so I grab my wallet and keys, needing to make a stop on the way to see her.

  I lower my sunglasses when the sunshine hits my face and stop altogether when I hear my name called from behind me.

  I turn to see a woman waving her arm in the air as she runs toward me. “Rad, wait.” The voice sounds familiar, but nothing about her is . . . holy shit!

  Looking like I’ve never seen her, Marlow is wearing a tank top, leggings, and flip-flops. Not a stitch of makeup graces her face, and her hair is pulled into a mess on top of her head. She looks younger, like she did back in college, and a lot like Tealey has rubbed off on her.

  Tealey. I have to get to her. I have to make this right. “I don’t have time for this today, Marlow.” I start in the opposite direction of her.

  She runs, flanking my side. “I need to talk to you.”

  “No. I need a break from you.”

  “Please.” She tugs my arm, but when I pull free, she stays where I left on the sidewalk. “I’m sorry, Rad. I didn’t know about you and Tealey. I would have—”

  “You would have what, Marlow?” I ask, turning around. My blood boils. “I’d really like to know what you would’ve done because this scheme was never about anyone but you. It was about Marlow getting what she wanted at all costs, even if that meant roping me into a fake relationship and then nearly into a fucking engagement.” I raise my brows, causing her to flinch. “You screwed me over, and now you’ve done the same to Tealey. And maybe you didn’t know about us, but you might’ve if you would’ve paid a little attention to anyone but yourself.”

  I cross my arms over my chest and glare at her.

  She comes close enough for us not to need to yell. Not making a scene is probably wise, so I try to temper the anger I have toward her. She says, “I would have never asked you to be a part of this if I had known you and Tealey were together.” Shading her eyes with her hand, she asks, “Why didn’t you guys tell us? I thought we shared everything.”

  I lower my guard and shove my hands in my pockets. “Because Tealey thought we would ruin your chances of getting the apartment.”

  She winces. “Of course, she did. She puts everyone else’s needs before her own.” Her thoughts are heavy, hanging in the tension of her body language. “Do you love her, Rad?”

  Nodding would suffice, but I want to say the words. “I do. I love her. I think I always have.”

  “Two things to note,” she starts with a smile creeping into the corners of her mouth. “One, always? I thought you two were enemies. You never talked or hung out with each other.”

  “I didn’t want her to see how weak I was.”

  “Weak to love, and weak because you feel for a woman isn’t the same thing as being a weak man. I think it actually makes you stronger.”

  I smile, but my body still itches to move, to find my girl. “And two?”

  “Why are you still here? She’s over at Jackson’s apartment.” Jealousy envelops me as I think about Tealey staying at Jackson’s. But as I calm myself down, I realize it could be worse. At least she had a place to go in her abrupt departure from my life, and I know Jackson will be kind to her.

  And hopefully, keep her there until I can figure this out . . . and get her back.

  Because I will. I’ll get Tealey Bell back. There is no other option.

  We start walking again. “We’re going to have to walk and talk, Marlow.” I glance at her beside me. “Can you help me with something?”

  “Yeah, but can I say something first?” She stops again, and although I get that she wants to chat, I need to keep moving. Every second without Tealey puts distance in a possible reunion. But then I see her vulnerability, a trust exposed in the edges of her eyes that reminds me she’s been hurt, disappointed, and has struggled with solid footing for as long as I’ve known her. The lack of dependability on her father has deepened the insecurity he created in the first place. She says, “I’m sorry for how I treated you and . . .” She looks off, but her eyes return to mine. “I’m really sorry for my dad and Lorie. He’s such an asshole, and she’s not much better.”

  I start walking again because my priority is getting to Tealey, but I give Marlow a half-smile. “I’m glad you came to New York to get away from him. And I appreciate the apology.”

  “Thanks, Rad.”

  Not a block down, I stop and head to the corner to cross the street. “That’s where I need to stop on my way to see Tealey.”

  39

  Rad

  I’m more determined than ever. I push the nerves down, ready to fight for my future. Because I’ve had many regrets in life, but not one was being with Tealey.

  The opposite is true, in fact. She made me feel I was invincible. But my pride kept me from seeing what that power was doing to her.

  I leave my ego for the courtroom and knock on Jackson’s door.

  The peephole darkens, but then nothing. Shit. I didn’t expect her to pretend she wasn’t home. “Tealey,” I say, pressing my ear to the door. “Can we talk? Please?”

  Nothing.

  I knock once more, and then the light seeps through the hole again. Just when I think she’s going to leave me out here, I hear the door unlock, and the dead bolt turns. The door opens, and although she’s only given me a sliver in which to see her, I feel my lungs fill with the air that was lacking from seconds earlier.

  “I don’t want to talk,” she says.

  “I know you don’t, but can I please say my piece?” I see her gaze lower, and though I hoped for a better reaction upon seeing me—or any, for that matter—it’s not why I’m here. “Tealey, I’m begging you.”

  She tightens the robe at her neck, and replies, “Okay.”

  When I realize she’s not giving me an inch more of her, I’ll take what she is offering—her ear.

  “I’d crafted this long speech in my head all morning. I had it memorized like I was preparing to read it in court. It was full of points I thought you’d want to hear from me, evidence that made sense for us to be together. But—”

  “But?” Her head tilts. It’s when she lets the natural light scrape across her skin that I can see how red it is under her eyes, her lids swollen from tears. My heart twists, my chest tightening around it. Anger courses through me for causing her pain.

  “I don’t want to say things only because I think you want to hear them. I want to speak from my heart and hope I hit the mark. If I don’t, then you can walk away. If—”

  “What does your heart say, Rad?” I swallow a lump in my throat.

  “Having feelings
doesn’t make me weak. They make me human, something I might have forgotten to be in some ways. I had my eyes set on a prize and lost the ability to see what winning was doing to me and, worse, how it was affecting you.”

  She sighs, but it’s not sad or impatient. It’s taking a moment to absorb my words. It’s everything I hoped would happen. “Okay.”

  “I don’t need awards or accolades. I don’t need pats on the back or to make partner, Tealey. Because if I don’t have you, none of that matters anymore.”

  Her eyes are cast down. Not that I blame her, but her blank stare and straight mouth are killing me inside.

  “Tealey?”

  She looks back up, eyeing me through the crack of the door.

  “I wouldn’t have hidden us from the world if I thought I’d had a choice. I did have a choice, though. I see that now. I was making a choice to play a part of that charade every day.”

  The tension between us is thick and full of the emotions we both share. I can barely hear Tealey’s quick breaths over my own pulse rushing through my veins.

  I love her. God, I love her. I love her more than I ever thought I could love anyone.

  “Tealey . . .”

  She pauses, hesitation warring in those sparkling blues. Finally, as I shove my hands in my pockets to stop from reaching out to her, she pulls the door open a bit wider.

  Her eyes dart to the floor as if looking at me is too hard. “Jackson went for a run. If you want to come in for a minute, that would be okay.”

  Relief swamps me as I try not to overreact. “I’d appreciate that.”

  She moves away from the door as I enter, keeping a wide distance between us. Not having her pressed against me in our usual greeting is another dagger in my heart and a reminder of all I’ve lost.

  All we’ve lost. Because my actions caused Tealey to lose, too.

  She moves to the leather couch, where it looks like she’s been camping out. Stuff is littered across the coffee table, from soda cans to snack wrappers, balled-up tissues, and a paperback book.