The Gritty Truth

by Melissa Foster

She lifted her brows. “Because I got hit by a car?”

  “No, babe. Because you had your dreams stolen out from under you, and you’re not resentful or bitter. You’re focused on what you have and not what you’ve lost. A lot of people would have come out the other side as a different person.”

  “I am different than I was. I was unstoppable. Now I know I can be stopped.”

  He framed her face with his hands, needing to be closer, and said, “You are still unstoppable, Roni. The accident didn’t stop you. It was a roadblock that you overcame, and look at you now.” He brushed his thumb over her cheek and said, “You’re strong, beautiful, and to me, an untrained eye watching you dance, you are the embodiment of perfection. I hope you don’t give up on your dreams for good, because those girls you teach aren’t the only ones who deserve to shine.”

  He pressed his lips to hers, and when she leaned into the kiss, he took it deeper, wanting to chase away the pain she’d suffered and fill all those spaces with them. He pushed one hand into her hair, and the other circled her waist, bringing her tight against him. His thoughts began to fracture, and he felt himself getting lost in her. It happened so quickly with them every time they kissed, like they were meant to be joined at the lips. Her hands moved up his back to the nape of his neck, and he loved the feel of her holding him, wanting him. She made one of her sexy noises, sending rivers of lust coursing through him and jolting him back to reality, reminding him of why he showed up early.

  The last thing he wanted to do was stop kissing her, but he had to. He eased his efforts to a series of lighter kisses, keeping her close, breathing her in. He knew things would change once he revealed his past, and he wanted to soak in this last moment, memorizing the feel of her in his arms, her fingers brushing the back of his neck, and soaking in her now-familiar scent.

  “Kiss me again?” she whispered.

  Her sweetness did him in, and he pressed his lips to hers, kissing her slow and tender, wishing he could erase his past and just be a guy who worked at a bookstore falling for a girl who taught dance forevermore.

  Chapter Seven

  RONI HAD FOUND Nirvana. Quincy didn’t just kiss her. He enveloped her with more than his strong arms and his delicious mouth, which caused her to make sounds she’d never heard herself make before. Emotions poured off this man, and she wanted to swim in them, to kiss him for hours, to have his hands and mouth on her like he had last night.

  When their lips parted, she yearned for more. But he didn’t stop there. He embraced her, holding her as tightly as he had last night, and she loved that, too. She felt safe when she was in his arms, like nothing bad could ever happen to her again.

  His scruff tickled her cheek as he pressed a kiss beside her ear and said, “I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through, and even sorrier for what I have to tell you.”

  A chill ran down her spine as his arms fell away, leaving her longing for them. She’d forgotten he’d come to talk to her about something. “Is it that bad?”

  He sat up straighter, wringing his hands, tilting his head in her direction. The desire she’d seen in his eyes was now shadowed with regret. He put his hands beside his legs, and his fingers curled around the edge of the table as he said, “I suppose that depends how you look at it. As you said, all the wishing in the world can’t change a person’s past, and I’ll understand if mine is too much for you.”

  “That sounds ominous.” She didn’t know what could be so bad that it would change how she felt about him, and she hoped he was overreacting.

  “I don’t mean for it to, but it is what it is. Before I go into it, I want you to know that I’m sorry for not telling you before we went so far last night. I probably should have. You deserve that. But I honestly didn’t think we’d go as far as we did, and I had waited so long to go out with you and was having such a great time, I wanted to experience one last night together before taking the chance of telling you everything and changing the way you look at me.”

  “So was that kiss just now a last kiss?” she asked nervously.

  “I guess we’ll see. You and I have more things in common than you might think. We both grew up in bad areas and we had parents who sucked. You don’t know who your mother is, and I don’t know who my father is. We both left that ugliness behind and built a new life, and…” He gritted his teeth, the muscles in his jaw bunching. “We’ve both been through rehab.”

  The look in his eyes told her he wasn’t talking about physical rehabilitation. The pit of her stomach sank.

  “My mother was an addict, Roni. She had Tru when she was fourteen. He’s nine years older than me, and they lived with our grandmother, who he said was a mess, too. Tru said things got worse after our grandmother died, which was about a year before I was born. That’s when our mother started using more openly, and heavily. He said she cleaned up her act when she was pregnant, but after I was born things got much worse. She was hardly ever home, and when she was, she was usually passed out cold, doing drugs, or having sex with a random druggie or a dealer.”

  Roni felt nauseous knowing he grew up like that. She put her hand over his, her heart breaking for him. “That sounds awful.”

  “It was all I knew. I didn’t realize how abnormal it was because I had Tru, who I swear was born having all his shit together. Thank God, because if my well-being had been left up to our mother, I may not have survived. Tru fed me, made sure I bathed, did my laundry, got me to school, made me do my homework, taught me to be respectful, everything. He shielded me as best he could from all the bad stuff, but our lives were so messed up. I learned to keep my mouth shut, and somehow I knew that as long as I followed Tru’s lead, I’d be okay. When he was a teenager, he met Bear, and Bear took him under his wing and taught him how to work on cars at Whiskey Automotive. Tru used to take me to the auto shop with him, and I’d do my homework while he worked with Bear. My brother was always there for me. He made sure that I was never alone, other than school, of course. He was my stronghold, my straight arrow to follow, and for some reason, that seemed to really piss off my mother. She was rotten to him.” He pushed to his feet and paced. “I’ll always carry a fair amount of guilt about that.”

  “But that’s not your fault.”

  “I know it’s not. Kids can’t be held responsible for their parents’ failings. But that doesn’t change the fact that I spent years wishing I’d never been born.”

  That slayed her. “I’m glad you were born, Quincy, and it seemed like everyone we were with last night was glad, too.”

  “Thanks, babe. Believe me, I know how lucky I am to have so many good friends and to have this time with you. And don’t worry. I no longer wish I was never born. A lot of things have changed.” He cleared his throat as he paced. “Anyway, Tru moved out when he was eighteen, and he tried to take me with him, but my mother sent one of her crackheads after him. I remember it like a movie in my head, because the guy had a gun. I was nine years old, scared shitless, and clinging to Tru. He was big, even back then, almost the size I am now, and he’s never been afraid of a damn thing. Well, except once, but I’ll go into that later. Anyway, the guy was waving the gun, and Tru shoved me behind him and ran at the guy, trying to take him down. They fought, wrestled, and the guy managed to get on top of Tru.” Quincy’s eyes were narrow and angry, hands fisting. “He put the gun right to Tru’s head, and I begged for my brother’s life. I’ll never forget the fear of seeing that. I said I’d go back home.”

  Tears rolled down Roni’s cheeks. “Oh my God, Quincy. That’s horrifying.”

  He nodded, jaw tight.

  “You and your brother are so brave, and your mother…” She said mother with disgust, her hands fisting, too. “I want to smack her upside the head.”

  “She eventually got her due.”

  “So what happened? You went back to that awful house? Without Truman?”

  “Yeah, and the guy with the gun warned Tru to stay away from me, but he didn’t listen. Tru came up with a plan where I’d g
o straight from school to the public library, and I’d do my homework or read until it closed. Then I’d head home, eat something, and lock myself in my room. For the next few years he came by every two or three days. He brought food, money, clothes, whatever I needed, making sure I was okay and going to school, keeping clean.” Sadness dulled his eyes. “Those were hard years. I knew he was risking his life every time he came to see me, and it wasn’t like we could afford cell phones. I’d tell him not to come, because I was afraid for him, but he ingrained into my head that we were supposed to protect family at all costs. I’d seen him pull guys off our mom dozens of times and stand up to them fearlessly. I knew that when he said family, he meant her, too, despite how she was. Tru says Bear taught him about loyalty, but I know better, because Truman was protecting me years before he met Bear.”

  “It sounds like you were right when you said Tru was born having it all together.”

  “Yeah,” he said softly. “But I was so used to following his lead, on the days when I didn’t see him, I lived in fear, waiting for the ax to fall. We’d been told horrible things about the foster care system, and because of that, we’d never let any teachers or other kids know about what went on at home. And there were no outward signs for anyone to see, because Tru made sure I wasn’t a malnourished, dirty kid. Like you, I’ve always been great at school. I like learning, and just as you disappeared into dance, I lost myself in schoolwork and books. But the whole time, I was terrified that someone would find out about how we lived and take me away, and I’d never see Tru again.”

  “I can’t imagine living like that. I’m so sorry. I feel silly for thinking I had it bad having to run home from the bus stop or block out noise at night, when you lived in the thick of it.”

  “That’s not silly, babe. You did have it bad. We both did. It was just different kinds of bad. But we survived, and that’s what we need to focus on.”

  He came closer, though not as close as he had earlier, and definitely not close enough, but she sensed he needed that space.

  “What I’m about to tell you is really bad, Roni. I’m ashamed of it, and I don’t like bringing this ugliness into your world, but honesty is important to me, and I take responsibility for all of my failings. I’m going to ask you to please hear me out all the way to the end and not ask me to leave before I get there, because after all the bad, there is some good.” He held his arms out to his sides, and she wanted to cry from the vulnerable, pleading look in his eyes as he said, “That guy who caught your eye at the auction, the one who hasn’t been able to stop thinking about you since that night, is the person I was up until the point I just told you about. I was the good kid who grew up in a hellhole, with a brother who loved him and a mother who had no idea what love was. And that kid, the one who tried his hardest to do all the right things, eventually grew into the good, loyal man that I am now.”

  She inhaled a shaky breath and said, “Okay.”

  He nodded, pacing again, crossing and uncrossing his arms, his jaw clenching like he was a caged animal readying to jump a fence. Her nerves strung tighter with every silent second as she watched him eye the door, as if he were thinking about leaving instead of revealing whatever was torturing him.

  But he didn’t leave.

  He stepped in front of her and planted his legs shoulder width apart, his arms hanging by his sides, though not limply. Not by a long shot. His fingers curled into fists, his muscles straining against the sleeves of his T-shirt, as he looked directly into her eyes without any barriers to hide behind, and said, “In between the thirteen-year-old kid and the man I am now, I got lost, and this is how it happened. I was following Tru’s plan, as always. I stayed clean, did my homework, and came straight home from school, every day the same as the next, except weekends and summers, when I’d make my way over the bridge to the auto shop instead of school.” He swallowed hard. “Until one afternoon when I was cutting an apple in the kitchen and my mother came through the front door arguing with a guy. He was a big bald dude, with arm and neck tattoos. He’d been there before, and I knew he was a dealer. He was a real prick. I’ve already mentioned that my mother slept around, exchanging sex for drugs, which is typical shit for an addict.” He paused for a moment, his brows furrowed, and said, “I need you to understand what it felt like to grow up in that kind of environment.”

  “I can imagine how scary it was.”

  “I don’t think you can, and not because you’re not capable. Unless you’ve lived through it, I think it’s impossible to know the bone-deep fear and disgust, the layers of deceit I had to carry out at school and everywhere I went, and the guilt all of that caused. Hating your mother is not a natural thing. When I finally realized all of that, it took me more than a year to work through all of those emotions. Anyway, you hid under your pillow to block out the noise. For me, it was like the gangs you were trying to block out were inside my house on a near-daily basis, smoking crack, waving guns and knives, fucking my mother. Sorry to be crass, but it’s the truth. Usually she would take that into her bedroom, but there were times…”

  Roni looked down, feeling like she couldn’t breathe. “I don’t want to imagine you there.”

  “I know it’s hard. But the only way to understand my life and what went wrong with it is to know every detail.” He stepped closer, lifting her chin as he had earlier, and when she met his gaze, he said, “I can leave, but I can’t lie. It’s your choice.”

  He was so honest and had been so good to her, she was conflicted, but not enough to send him away. “I don’t want you to leave.”

  His hand slipped from her chin, and she reached for it. He looked at their joined hands; then his eyes found hers again, riddled with anguish. She didn’t know why she wanted to hold it, but it made her feel better, and she held it tighter, as much for him as for her. The small smile that appeared tugged at her.

  He nodded, as if he understood that she needed the connection, and said, “We were still living in the house my grandmother had left to my mother. It was small. You walked into the living room from the front door, and the kitchen was straight ahead. There were two bedrooms to the right with a bathroom in between. All I had to do was get from the kitchen to my bedroom. I figured they’d go into her room and then I could go into mine. I waited, but their argument escalated to the point that he was shoving her around. I could tell she was blitzed out of her mind because she kept challenging him. I remember thinking, Shut up. Just shut up. I thought she’d get us both killed. Then things happened fast. I heard them land on the couch, and it got really quiet. I stepped behind the kitchen wall because I figured they were going to have sex, and I didn’t want to see it. But then I realized it was too quiet.”

  Roni clung to the edge of the cushion, fearing for all he’d been through. He was still looking her in the eye, though now his teeth were clenched.

  “There was a slap and a scream, and I ran into the living room. He had her pinned. He was…His pants were around his knees and he was forcing himself on her. His forearm was pressed against her neck. Her eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head, and her face was this weird mix of colors. I don’t know. It’s all kind of fuzzy, but I hollered at him to stop and he kept raping her, not letting her breathe. I still had the knife in my hand, and I thought, What would Truman do? The answer came instantly. Protect family,” he said through gritted teeth. “Protect family at all costs. I tried to pull him off her, and he swung his arm out, throwing me back.” Quincy’s arm swung backward as he described it. “My face hit the wall, gashed open my cheek, but I heard my mother gasp a breath. That sent him into a fury. He hit her and leaned on her windpipe, fucking her like she was a rag doll. I didn’t think or anything. I just pushed to my feet and went after him. I didn’t want to kill him. I wanted to stop him, but I couldn’t, and even when I stabbed him, he kept going at her, so I kept stabbing, until he finally slumped over. I couldn’t breathe. I was shaking, and I stumbled backward and collapsed, thinking he’d already killed
her. She was just lying there. I remember thinking, I didn’t do it. It’s not real.”

  Roni’s hand flew to her mouth as a sob tore through her chest. She went to him, wrapping her arms around him, and pressed her cheek to his chest. “Quincy,” she said between sobs. “I can’t…” His entire body was rigid, muscles corded tight. She realized he wasn’t returning her embrace, and when she looked up at him, there were tears in his eyes. “Quincy…?”

  He shook his head, but he didn’t say a word, and she wondered if he couldn’t. She reached up and touched his cheek, whispering his name, bringing his troubled eyes to hers. “Quincy, I’m not running, and I’m not sending you away. You were protecting your mother. If someone had done that to my grandmother, I would have probably done the same thing.”

  His stare was cold and sad as he said, “There’s more.”

  QUINCY HAD TOLD his story dozens of times, though not in this much detail, and while it had never been easy, it had never been this hard. Every word felt like a shard of glass, and yet Roni still held him, cried for him, despite the blood on his hands. He hadn’t wanted to say there was more. He’d wanted to keep looking into her beautiful, trusting eyes until his past disappeared. But since he wasn’t Houdini, that wasn’t an option.

  She stepped back, and he could see she was bracing herself for the worst, standing straighter, squaring her shoulders, and lifting her chin. She was so fucking strong, even after that ugly underworld had nearly killed her.

  “Is there someplace I can grab a glass of water before I tell you the rest?” he asked.

  “Why don’t we go up to my apartment?”

  He reached for his helmet and jacket, stopping short, and said, “Are you sure you don’t mind having me up there?”

  She touched his stomach with her fingertips, meeting his eyes as directly as he’d met hers, and said, “Yes, I’m sure. I know there’s more, and I assume it has to do with alcohol or drugs since you mentioned rehab earlier. I don’t know how I’ll feel after hearing the details, but if you’re asking me if I still feel safe with you, the answer is yes.”