Say My Name

by Penelope Wright

  Derek snapped his mouth shut, then opened it again like he was going to say something. Thankfully, Kaia jumped in.

  "Derek," she said authoritatively, "come with me." She grabbed him by the elbow and pulled, but he didn't budge. She tugged on his arm again but got nowhere.

  Grady massaged the knuckles of my hand with his thumb. That seemed to snap Derek out of his stupor. Shooting a seriously dirty look at me and Grady, he allowed Kaia to lead him away.

  Grady shook his head, bemused. "There goes a guy who cares way too much about calculus. Did you see that look he gave me?"

  I tilted my head up at Grady, but didn't feel confident enough in the steadiness of my own voice to say anything.

  He didn't seem to notice. "Derek's a smart guy, but he really needs to lighten up."

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat. "Are you guys friends?"

  "He's in my math class and he seemed okay, but I don't know. Seriously, who cares that much if a limit has infinite value?" Grady squeezed my hand. "Listen, I know you've probably got practice." I nodded as he spoke, and his face took on a slightly dejected look. "So you won't be able to go to youth group with me right after school. I can send somebody back to pick you up later if you want."

  I shook my head. "No, after practice I'm going with Kaia to read books at the nursing home." Sure, she hadn't exactly invited me, but…well, she had now.

  Grady smiled his million-watt grin and kissed my forehead. "That's my girl."

  "It's really a Kaia thing," I said. "I'm just tagging along."

  "Good for both of you, then." Grady slipped his arm around my waist and gave me a half-hug. "I'd better take off. Do you want me to walk you to practice before I go?"

  God no. What if Derek was there with Kaia? "No thanks, I wouldn't want you to be late."

  "Call me tonight?" It was a question rather than a command.

  "Sure."

  Grady put his finger under my chin and tipped my lips up to his. I didn't protest, but again, I found myself staring at his closed eyes. I forced myself to slam my own eyes shut and attempt to kiss him back. It wasn't my best effort ever.

  Grady broke the kiss and grinned at me, then loped down the hall. I trudged to the wrestling room, dreading the confrontation that might be in store for me. For once in my life fate seemed to be smiling upon me, because Derek was not prowling in front of the doors waiting to pounce on me.

  I opened the door cautiously and peered around. Nobody there but the Lincoln girls. I sighed with relief and went in. I practiced with the other girls for about ten minutes before Kaia finally joined us. She made a beeline for me and waited until we'd finished running through the dance number we were working on. "Can I borrow Barbie for a few minutes?" Kaia asked when we all slid into the splits to end the routine.

  The other girls nodded and started practicing the routine again, leaving an empty spot where I would have been. Kaia and I walked over to the corner of the wrestling room. She leaned against the wall and crossed one ankle over the other. "Man, Derek is pissed. He said you totally blew him off last night, and now he thinks you were playing him. He thinks you were Grady's girlfriend all along."

  I buried my face in my hands. "I wasn't playing him. Not at all. But I can't be with him. Tim's his brother."

  "Who?"

  "Tim!" I said loudly, exasperated. "Rachel's boyfriend…the one who wanted to trade me with Rory. The one I just told you about?"

  "Yeah, sure, I got it. But you said you didn't sleep with him."

  "Of course I didn't."

  Kaia shrugged. "Then I guess I don't see what the big problem is, or why Derek needs to pay for it. Sure, Tim wanted to sleep with you, but you didn't. So what?"

  "So everything. After that night, I swore Rachel and Tim would never try to pimp me out again. I slept with a guy named Cody the next day. And a few times after that, just to make sure."

  "You're not a virgin?" Kaia's eyebrows shot up in astonishment.

  "No, not since the summer before ninth grade."

  "Why didn't you tell me?"

  "It never came up."

  "Oh come on, you could have told me a hundred times before now. I can't believe you never told me. And I thought I was the slutty one." Kaia gasped and clapped her hand over her mouth.

  I crossed my arms over my chest, my fists balled up and jammed into my armpits. I scowled at Kaia. "And that's exactly why I didn't tell you. Cody wouldn't shut up about it. When I started school that September, everyone at Totem Falls knew. I'd only had two real girlfriends, and I guess they weren't all that real anyway, because they said I was turning into a slut like my sister and they didn't want to hang out with me anymore."

  "I'm so sorry." Kaia's voice was barely above a whisper, it was hard to hear her over the shouts of the cheerleaders in the background. "I didn't mean it that way at all."

  I relaxed my fists and hung my head. "Yeah, I know. It just still really hurts. I spent all of last year with no friends and guys constantly trying to get into my pants."

  "Did you sleep with anyone else?"

  "No!" I barked.

  "Was it that terrible?" Kaia's voice squeaked anxiously.

  I shrugged and shook my head. "The first time hurt like a sonofabitch, that's for sure. After that, no, it wasn't that bad. I think I might have even come once."

  A voice behind me made me jump. "Word to the wise, if you think you might have come, then you definitely didn't." Lisa, one of the Lincoln girls—and apparently also a ninja—leaned her head into our conversation. "Are you guys gonna practice or not? We're still holding space for you Barbie, and the kick line's kind of ragged without you guys."

  "Shoot, sorry. Yeah, we'll be right there."

  Lisa raised one eyebrow and gave me an impish grin before running lightly back over to the rest of the group.

  I looked at the clock. "Oh crap! Is it seriously that late already?"

  Kaia glanced above the doors at the clock too. "Yeah, crazy."

  "Hey, can I come with you to the nursing home today?"

  "Sure, if you want to. They'll make you read to them, so don't think you're just along for the ride. Some of those old people can get pretty feisty."

  I smiled. "I don't mind."

  "So is this fulfilling some sort of lifelong ambition of yours?"

  "No, but it is getting me out of youth group with Grady."

  "Great, I'm so glad I can be your cover."

  "Come on." I jostled her a little in the side. "It'll be fun. What kind of books do you read to the old folks?"

  "I'm working on Anna Karenina right now."

  I stuck out my tongue. "Okay, I totally take that back. It's not going to be fun at all."

  When we walked into the nursing home, it was clear that Kaia had a lot of fans. Just about everyone said hi to her or came up to give her a hug. It was also clear that there was an awful lot of bad vision and dementia in this place, because I got almost as many hugs and kisses as Kaia did. I knew there was a family resemblance between us, but it was kind of crazy how many people mistook me for her. The identical cheerleading uniforms probably didn't help the confusion either. At some point I stopped correcting everybody and just said hi and hugged them back. Contrary to my long held beliefs, the old people did not smell like library books or feel dusty to the touch.

  We didn't stay long. I had to get back to the school for driver's ed. I think Kaia wanted to stay later, but she didn't complain as she drove me back to the high school. "I can see why you didn't quit after your community service was up," I said to her.

  "Yeah, they grow on you."

  "Do you think I could come with you again sometime?"

  "Anytime you want."

  I smiled. "Thanks."

  After Kaia dropped me off in the school parking lot for driver's ed, I leaned with my back against the chain link fence that surrounded the football field. I knew that it was only a few minutes to six. I was going to have to face Derek, and as sick as the thought made me, I just wanted to
get it over with.

  I spotted Mrs. Dutton's little blue sedan cresting the hill to the parking lot. I pushed myself away from the fence and walked over to the asphalt. Mrs. Dutton parked and got out, walking around to the passenger side. "Hop in, sweetie," she said.

  I got in the driver's seat while she settled herself next to me. I didn't know if it would be better or worse to already be in the driver's seat when Derek got in the car. I would have to turn around and look at him specifically. Catching his eye couldn't just be a convenient accident, I'd have to make it happen. But when he got in, of course I would have to turn around. I couldn't just sit there like a statue and refuse to look at him. That would be way worse.

  I sat there, over-thinking it, until Mrs. Dutton cleared her throat. "Sweetie? Go ahead and fasten your seatbelt, we can get started. You're it tonight."

  Startled, I turned sideways in my seat to face her. "What?"

  She nodded. "The other two students have dropped the class."

  "Are you serious?" My voice was a little higher pitched than I meant it to be. Ashley I didn't care about at all. In fact, good riddance. But Derek? He'd dropped driver's ed? Because of me?

  Mrs. Dutton nodded again. "It happens all the time. Kids try an evening class, decide missing dinner isn't all it's cracked up to be, and drop out. I'm glad you decided to stay enrolled. I'll teach you to drive like a pro. You'll be the next Mario Andretti."

  "Who?"

  "Never mind. Driving instructor humor. Bear with me."

  "Okay." My mind still whirled. Derek was so pissed off at me that he'd dropped driver's ed. I could barely believe it, but Mrs. Dutton's encouraging smile stayed firmly in place. He really wasn't coming. I clicked my seatbelt and ran through my pre-flight checklist, but I was kind of on auto-pilot. I turned the key in the ignition, took my foot off the brake, looked over my shoulder, and stepped on the gas. The car lurched forward and Mrs. Dutton jammed her foot on her brake pedal, bringing the car to a jerking halt with the front two tires on the grass at the edge of the chain link fence.

  "Reverse, sweetie. On second thought, maybe no Mario Andretti for you."

  As we drove, I loosened up a little. Maybe it was for the best. I couldn't keep seeing Derek, not with Tim being his brother. What if Tim brought Derek with him one of these nights when he tapped on Rachel's window? The thought was enough to make my stomach turn.

  Plus, I could never go to Derek's house. What if I bumped into Tim? Or Tim and Rory? Or, god forbid, Tim and Rachel? No. It sucked, but I couldn't be with Derek. There was no way.

  "Are you okay?"

  I looked over at Mrs. Dutton. "Yeah. Why?"

  "You've been sitting at this stop sign for about a minute and a half."

  "Oh." I shook my head and gave a tiny laugh. "I was waiting for the light to turn green." I looked both ways and drove through.

  "You have a lot on your mind, don't you?" Mrs. Dutton asked.

  "Yeah. I guess I do."

  "Oh, sweetie." Mrs. Dutton's voice was full of sympathy. "I know how hard it must be. I've seen the way your mother treats you. She takes better care of her dogs."

  "That wasn't…" but my voice choked off and my eyes filled with tears. It might not have been what had me so distracted, but as her words soaked in, it was impossible to hold back my sobs.

  "Pull over honey." Almost blindly, I veered onto the shoulder of the road. I'm pretty sure Mrs. Dutton was the one who did the braking. She reached over and turned the key off in the ignition, then sat there quietly while I bawled for about five minutes, tears streaming down my cheeks, dripping onto the polyester of my cheer top and rolling away in little droplets.

  When I finally started to calm down, Mrs. Dutton took my hand in hers and spoke in a gentle, quiet voice. "I never understood how one woman could have so many children she didn't want, and I couldn't have even one. But if I'd ever had a child of my own, I would have wanted her to be a lot like you."

  I sniffed back the last of my tears and hiccuped. "A total fuck up who can't tell the difference between drive and reverse?" I turned to look at Mrs. Dutton and saw her eyes become sharp and flinty.

  "No. A strong, beautiful young lady who won't let a bad deal beat her down."

  I shook my head and felt my eyes fill with tears again. "I'm not strong."

  Mrs. Dutton's hand tightened on top of mine. "I've lived in my little house a long time. I was there when your parents moved in, and the things I have watched your mother do…they've curled my toes on more than one occasion. But you have a steel core inside you, and you refused to bend, let alone break. You may not feel strong, but you are."

  "Mrs. Dutton?"

  "Yes, sweetie?"

  "Is my mother a prostitute?"

  Mrs. Dutton sighed heavily. "No. I don't think she was. But there used to be a lot of men. I can see how rumors might get started."

  "Oh, god. How did I not know about this?"

  "It stopped when you were young. I suspect your father put his foot down."

  "Ha." I pictured my dad, sitting on the couch, his hands in his lap, his eyes staring vacantly at the wall. "Doubtful. More likely she got high speed internet and was too busy playing whatever came before Farmville."

  "Probably Minesweeper." Mrs. Dutton crossed her eyes at me, and I burst out laughing. "Seriously, I meant what I said. You are a wonderful girl, and if you ever need anything, you ever run into any trouble or just need someone to talk to, my door is open. Not literally. Bad neighborhood and all. But you can come to me, and I'll be there for you."

  "Thanks Mrs. Dutton."

  "Call me Joanna."

  I smiled. For the first time in my life, an adult asking me to call them by their first name didn't creep me out at all.

  14

  The following morning, Derek wasn't in first period. He wasn't there the next day either. When he didn't show up on the third day, our teacher merged our skit group with Derek's. Derek had been Ares, the god of war in his group. Because Kaia was playing Athena, the goddess of war, it made sense to combine our two groups into one big war party, the teacher said.

  Kaia tracked Derek down and found out he'd dropped world history and transferred into a physics class. He played it cool and didn't mention me at all, but Kaia and I both knew he was avoiding me. I guess you could do whatever you wanted with your schedule when your mom was a guidance counselor.

  The only times I saw Derek for the next few weeks were random ones. We passed each other one morning as Kaia and I climbed the stairs from the parking lot. Our eyes met for a brief, painful second before he flicked his glance away and jogged past us. Kaia said hi, and I turned my head to see him simply nod in response.

  I stopped on the stairs and watched his retreating back, but he didn't turn around.

  "I don't think he's ever going to forgive you," Kaia said quietly.

  "I didn't do anything to him," I muttered, climbing the stairs again and walking past her.

  "You made him care about you," Kaia called softly after me, but I kept going, refusing to acknowledge her.

  I knew they were still friends. Kaia was really excited about a party he was throwing after the first football game of the year. She'd been talking about it at lunch one day and managed to use the word "epic" twice before she really looked at me and immediately shut up. She hadn't mentioned it again. I was careful not to ask her about Derek, and as far as I knew, he wasn't bugging Kaia for tidbits about me.

  I continued to see Grady a couple times a week. He was such a warm person, and his sense of humor could come out of nowhere to surprise me, but there was no spark there. I couldn't tell if he knew it or not. I'd gotten better at watching my mouth when I was around him, and not cussing all the time was actually improving my vocabulary, so that was one for the win column.

  Grady had stopped asking me to go to youth group with him, so I didn't need the "cover" of going to the nursing home with Kaia, but I went with her a couple more times anyway. We'd finally convinced the old people that we weren
't the same person, and I'd told them my name was Barbie. Try as she might, Kaia hadn't been able to come up with a nickname for me that I'd tolerate. Kaia was crazy for all the mythology stuff we were doing in world history, and she'd tried all sorts of those on me, but there was no freaking way I was going to let her call me Baubo after some goddess who'd flashed someone, or Hygieia because I liked to wash my hands a lot or any one of the other ridiculous names she suggested. It wasn't all about the Greeks though. I'd also shot down "Jazz Hands" and "Clutch Killer" and a couple dozen other names she'd tried to saddle me with. At least "Mary" had died an easy death. Grady called me Barbie now along with everyone else, and every time I heard him say it I felt like more of a phony than ever.

  After school cheer practice was going really well. While I still thought of Amy, Ashley, and Hannah as "the Hilltop girls," I no longer thought of the rest of the squad as "the Lincoln girls." I knew them all by name, and collectively, I thought of them as my team.

  Kaia and I had even hung out some after school with Lisa, the ninja Lincoln girl. She was kind of intense, but she was an amazing dancer. I think the other girls thought she was a little bit weird, but I liked her. She was especially irritated by the busy work we were doing in sixth period, and she'd had words with Stephanie, the varsity captain, about it.

  "She told me to shut up and quit my bitching," Lisa said, "or she'd give me something to be pissed about."

  A couple of the other girls groaned. We were wrapping up practice for the afternoon, stretching out on the mats so our muscles wouldn't bunch up. "You don't want to make her mad at you," Brenna said. She sat on the mat, stretching forward, reaching her fingertips towards her toes and bouncing a little.

  "No," Lisa said. "It's actually the other way around."

  Brenna looked up from her knees and fixed her worried gaze on Lisa.

  Lisa smiled back serenely.

  "Do you have a license to kill?" I asked, laughing.

  Lisa hopped up. "No sugar, I've got a license to thrill." She threw down a couple hip-hop moves and devastated us with a triple spin. She grinned as she left the room, but Brenna still seemed worried.