Go Dwarf Yourself

by Martha Carr

  “I like the grenades.” Luther circled the tall woman two more times before he joined his brother in sniffing Agent Nelson disconcertingly thoroughly.

  The dark-haired woman looked curious. “Sheila?”

  Tommy darted her a glance with a barely perceptible shake of his head. “His Jeep.”

  She scrutinized the dwarf again and raised an eyebrow.

  “And I don’t need to explain myself,” Johnny added. “The answer’s no.”

  “Good leg.” Luther nudged his wet nose against Tommy’s pant leg. “It smells like it needs a good humping to go with it.”

  “Yeah, you test it and let me know,” Rex replied.

  Johnny smirked but when he caught the tall woman’s gaze, he wiped the expression off his face completely.

  “Well then, maybe you’ll—” Tommy jerked his leg away from Luther at the first sign of the hound getting too close and sidled toward the dwarf again. “Maybe you’ll be more interested in the nature of this case, Johnny. It has your name written all over it.”

  “Because you think I’ll enjoy myself or because you can’t find anyone else to take it?”

  The man shrugged. “A little of both.”

  “So go somewhere else and find a bounty hunter who isn’t retired and who gives a shit.”

  The woman clasped her hands behind her back and raised her chin. “I think you’ll give a shit about this one, Mr. Walker.”

  “Naw, I don’t do that mister crap. Only Johnny.”

  “Of course.”

  “You should take the job, Johnny.” Rex sat beside the uncomfortably sidling Agent Nelson and his tongue lolled from his mouth as he waited for the man to step away from the wall. “You need to get out more.”

  “Hell, we get out more than you do.” Luther sniffed Tommy’s pants again and made one more half-assed attempt to climb the man’s leg before the agent jerked his foot away again. “We’re all the way out here in the Everglades and you have nothing to do when you’re not hunting.”

  That’s how I prefer it.

  “We get laid more than you too,” Luther added, panting now as he studied the government agent who refused to let his leg be objectified by either hound. “That’s sad.”

  “Yeah, but the ladies he brings home aren’t.” Rex scrutinized Tommy intently and moved forward to give the woman a good once-over too. “Come on, lady. Quit turning so I can smell you. Oh, yeah. You were right. Definitely shrimp.”

  Johnny snorted and looked at Tommy Nelson. “If I take a look at your file, will it get you and the shrimp—uh…your friend off my property?”

  “Nice one, Johnny.” Luther panted and turned in a tight circle as an energetic chuckle filled the dwarf’s mind.

  The man retrieved the manila folder from under his arm and nodded. “Just take a look, yeah. That’s all we ask.”

  Wrinkling his nose, the dwarf gave the tall woman another cursory glance before he raised an eyebrow at Tommy. “You have five minutes, Nelson. Then I want you and your wannabe badass SUV off my property.”

  “You got it.”

  Johnny jerked his head toward the workshop. “The table’s over here.”

  Chapter Two

  Rex and Luther circled their master’s worktable slowly as Johnny, Agent Nelson, and the woman gathered around it. She pursed her lips and stared at the dwarf with a small, playful smile. “Are you gonna introduce us, Agent Nelson?”

  “What?” Tommy slapped the manila folder on the table and glared at the dwarf. “Yeah, sure. Johnny, this is Agent Lisa Breyer with the Bounty Hunter Division.”

  “So you’re doubling up with me, huh? Magical liaison and Bounty Hunter expert working together to bring Johnny Walker in. You’re pulling out all the stops, Nelson.”

  “That was the plan,” the man muttered and opened the manila folder slowly. He withdrew the top sheet of paper and spun it to face the dwarf. “This is a—”

  “What are you?” Johnny jerked his chin at Lisa, his arms folded as he examined her warily. “Half-human, obviously. What’s the other half? Light Elf?”

  She smirked and darted Tommy a glance. “You have a good eye.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  The other agent scowled at the heavy-hitting glances that passed between them and cleared his throat. “Like I was saying, we have—”

  “How old are you?” Johnny shrugged. “While we’re on the subject.”

  Agent Nelson sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. “That’s not the subject, Johnny.”

  “And I don’t think that’s an appropriate question,” Lisa added.

  “Why? You don’t look older than twenty-five, maybe twenty-six.” He tilted his head and regarded her speculatively. “I only wanna know if I’m close.”

  Lisa shook her head. “How old are you?”

  “Eighty-five.”

  Her eyes widened. “Wow.”

  Tommy licked his lips in aggravation. “Yeah, yeah. We all wish we had the dwarf’s perky youthfulness. Now can we get back to—”

  “I bet you’ve gained considerable experience in eighty-five years.” The smallest part of Lisa’s bottom lip dimpled between her teeth.

  Johnny smirked. “Somethin’ like that, yeah.”

  “Jesus Christ,” Tommy whispered and lowered his head to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Can we get back on track here?”

  “I’m thirsty.” The dwarf smacked a hand on the table and wagged his finger from one Federal agent to the other. “Do you want anything?”

  Lisa raised her eyebrows. “What do you have?”

  “A little of everything, but I’m not gonna waste the good stuff when y’all are gonna head out to wherever you came from in…” He glanced at his gold wristwatch. “Two minutes. So how about iced tea?”

  She pursed her lips and failed to hide her smile. “Sure.”

  “I don’t want anything, Johnny.”

  “Good. I didn’t ask you.” The dwarf turned and strode into the kitchen.

  Tommy heaved a heavy sigh and turned to scowl at Agent Breyer. “You too, huh?”

  “Me too what?” Her smile vanished when she met the man’s gaze.

  “Falling all over yourself ʼcause Johnny Walker happens to be in the same room.”

  “I’m not falling all over anything, Nelson.”

  “Yeah, that’s what they all say until they start falling all over him.” Tommy pressed his knuckles onto the worktable. “I don’t get it, honestly. This guy’s as bristly as a damn cactus and scarred all over. Hell, he’s a redhead. Forget the dwarf part. I haven’t seen a single woman look at that asshole and not start drooling. What gives?”

  Lisa smirked at the worktable and raised one shoulder in a shrug. “He has cookie-dough mojo.”

  “Cookie-dough. What the fuck does that mean?”

  “You know he’s not the best choice but there’s simply something about him that makes you want to eat him all up.”

  “Jesus. Tell me you’re joking.”

  “You asked, Nelson. I’m merely giving you a woman’s perspective. And for the record, I don’t drool.”

  In the kitchen, Johnny smirked as he poured the tea over two glasses of ice on the counter. That’s one of the better explanations I’ve heard. Most women can’t even put it into words.

  “Hey, she said cookie dough.” Luther trotted across the kitchen and his nails clacked on the floor as he sniffed the fridge dutifully. “You think he has some?”

  “Yeah, can you get the fridge open?” Rex looked up to flash his master a glance before he licked the side of the fridge door. “For real. We should work on that.”

  “All right. Out.” The dwarf pointed at the doorway out of the kitchen and toward the back door. “Go run it off, boys.”

  The hounds slid and skidded around the linoleum floors before they barreled through the house. Luther knocked against the doorway and yipped. “I’m gonna eat the next one!”

  “Not if I catch it first,” Rex called as he leapt through the dog door. />
  Shaking his head with a tiny smile, Johnny returned to the glasses of iced tea, paused, and took the bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label off the counter. He uncorked it and counted to three as he topped his drink off. I’m gonna need this to get through the next thirty seconds of Nelson whining that I wasted his time. What goes around comes around, bud.

  He swirled his glass, took a long sip, and shrugged before he brought Agent Breyer her uncut iced tea.

  “Here you go.” He set her glass down slightly in front of him, and the woman uttered an uncertain chuckle as she leaned across the table to take it.

  “Thank you.”

  Johnny sipped his whiskey-tea and glanced at his watch again. “All right, Nelson. Your time’s up and I’m still sayin’ no. Good luck, though.”

  Tommy glared at him. “Just take a look.”

  “I said five minutes.”

  “And you spent the whole five minutes deflecting from—” The agent sniffed and glanced at Johnny’s glass. “Are you drinking right now?”

  “Huh.” Johnny stared at the man as he took another sip, and when he lowered his glass again, his wiry mustache dripped with whiskey-flavored tea he didn’t bother to wipe off. “And I somehow assumed your sense of smell would’ve disappeared with your hairline.”

  Lisa snorted.

  Tommy gritted his teeth and jabbed a finger on the top paper of the file he still hadn’t convinced the ex-bounty hunter to read. “You said you’d take a look. Don’t think I’ll simply walk out of here because you poured yourself a drink. We both know how well you hold your liquor.”

  “It’s not a drink if it’s a floater.”

  “Johnny—”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” He set his glass on the table and swiped his hand brusquely under his mustache to get rid of the cold on his upper lip. Then, he turned and snatched one of the rifles he’d mounted on the shelf of his workshop—the ones he used sometimes, not those purely for his collection—and the long tin box beside it. The box clunked on the table and the dwarf opened it. With a sniff, he pulled out his cleaning rod, cleaning patches, and solvent and refused to look at his unwelcome guests. “I don’t like to say things more than once. And twice is already too many times, Nelson.”

  “You’re gonna make me—” With a grunt of frustration, Tommy abandoned the briefing sheet and flipped through the rest of the papers in the file. One after the other, he slapped a series of enlarged photographs across the worktable and stabbed a finger at each one in turn. “If you don’t want me to ease you into it, fine. I’ll pull out the big guns.”

  Johnny chuckled and removed the bolt from his rifle. He glanced at the photographs and paused.

  The scene was laid out in front of him in five parts from five different angles. The first two were blood spatter all over the walls of a middle-class living room. The third and fourth depicted a man and woman, both in their late thirties, sprawled across the light-colored carpet now soaked with their blood. The last was of a girl.

  She lay on her side, her thin arm outstretched beneath her head. Long light-brown hair matted with blood covered most of her face, but he didn’t need to see her features to know she was way too young to be photographed post-mortem like this.

  “We found them like this two days ago,” Tommy said in a low voice. “Bruce and Denise Coulier. Their daughter Claire. She was twelve.”

  Johnny muttered a curse. Yeah, he’s pullin’ the big guns out all right. A fucking child.

  “She has a fraternal twin,” Lisa added. “Amanda. The assholes who did this took her and we need to find her.”

  Looking down again, Johnny inspected his rifle and selected one of the patches to rub the exterior of his weapon. “How old is she?”

  The agents exchanged a knowing glance. Tommy nodded. “Twelve.”

  Fuck. He knew exactly what buttons to push with this one.

  Johnny sniffed. “And you need me why?”

  “It’s a special case for the Bureau. We want the best of the best.” Tommy withdrew another sheet of paper from the file, but the dwarf didn’t give it a second glance. “Bruce Coulier was an investment banker. He did extremely well for himself and had personal ties to more than one US Senator, one of whom sits on the Bounty Hunter Department Committee.”

  “Huh.” He laid the rifle down and popped the lid of the cleaning solvent open before he dipped the cleaning patch into it. He couldn’t look at those pictures again, and all three of them knew it. “So what aren’t you telling me, Nelson?”

  “These are the facts.”

  “But not all of them.”

  “No.” Tommy glanced at Agent Breyer, and she raised her eyebrows in consent. “Amanda Coulier has…special powers.”

  He looked sharply at the man. “You’re gonna have to be a little more specific.”

  “She’s a shifter. The whole family was and they did a damn good job of keeping that lineage secret.”

  “Until these bastards found out and decided they’d…what? Blackmail a senator and hold a shifter kid hanging over his head?”

  “No.” The agent rubbed his chin. “These bastards have no idea what she is. We got that information from the senator on the department committee. And they didn’t kidnap her for blackmail.”

  “Then what do they want?” He stuck the soaked patch onto the end of the cleaning rod and pushed it through the barrel.

  “A payday.” Tommy glanced briefly at the gruesome murder-scene photos on the worktable, then looked cautiously at the dwarf. “The kidnappers are part of an aggressive gang on the East Coast specializing in drugs and human trafficking.”

  Johnny made a rough sound of disgust.

  “This isn’t the first time we’ve tried to close in on the Boneblade, as they like to call themselves. It seems to have stuck but either way, we haven’t been able to touch them. None of our other contacts have had better luck, and we simply don’t have time to approach this our way. We need the monster hunter.”

  Johnny removed the cleaning rod from the barrel of his rifle and set it gently on the table. “This is what you brought me.”

  Tommy nodded. “This is what we brought you. We need your help, Johnny, and this is the only option any of us could come up with. Trust me, a dwarf who’s been in retirement for fifteen years for very good reasons wasn’t anywhere close to our first choice.”

  “You’re not making a very good case for yourself, Nelson.” Despite how low and calm his voice remained as he reached toward the long metal box of his cleaning supplies, the kind of rage he’d spent fifteen years trying to smother flared inside him again. It doesn’t matter what he says. He knows I’ll be on this case like a catfish on four fingers. The way I should’ve been for Dawn.

  “So what d’ya say, Johnny?” The man stuck his hands into the pockets of his black slacks. “Amanda needs you.”

  The lid of the tin box slammed into place with a sharp bang. “You need me to save your scrawny neck, Nelson. That’s what this is about.”

  “This is about the girl—”

  “And you came all this way to rip me out of my goddamn life knowing I can’t say no.”

  “You know what?” Lisa tapped the back of her hand against Tommy’s arm to stop him from saying anything else and smiled at the dwarf. “I think we should start over.”

  His red mustache bristled as he glared at her. “It’s a little too late for that, Agent Breyer.”

  “You can call me Lisa.”

  “I can call you both a pain in my ass.”

  She nodded slowly and drummed her fingers on the worktable. “You’ve set things up nicely for yourself out here.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “I wouldn’t wanna leave either if I were you.” She shrugged. “We need to get these assholes, Johnny. And this girl deserves another chance. She can’t go home, at least not the way she’s always known it, but she can be safe. Protected. You can give her the chance to rebuild after what’s been taken from her. This is a one-shot deal. And when it’s o
ver, you can come back here into retirement. Deal?”

  The dwarf’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t make deals, Lisa.”

  Tommy slammed his hands onto the table. “When are you gonna pull your head out of your ass?”

  He glanced coolly at the man and smirked.

  “What’s so funny?”

  With a sniff, he stepped around his worktable and headed into the hall toward the front door.

  “What the hell are you doing?” The agent spun to watch him, fuming. After all this time, the damn dwarf and one of the best bounty hunters the Department had worked with in at least twenty-five years was as infuriating as he’d always been. “We’re not done here.”

  Johnny opened the front door and emitted a piercing whistle. Three seconds later, the dog door in the back clapped open and shut behind Rex and Luther, and both hounds trotted obediently through the house toward their master.

  Rex licked his chops now spattered with swamp water and what might have been blood. “We didn’t do it.”

  “I did. Yeah.” Luther’s tongue lolled out of his mouth and pieces of shredded reeds peppered his soaked, short-haired coat. “What are we talking about?”

  Tommy stared at the dripping dogs with wide eyes and took a step back toward the doorway of the workshop.

  Johnny folded his arms, and his smirk widened into a slick smile that revealed his perfectly straight teeth as he stared at his former government liaison. “Boys, it’s time to show Agent Nelson out.”

  The man gawked at him as Rex and Luther uttered low, matching growls. “Johnny…”

  “Give him a good bite in the ass while you’re at it.”

  Rex snapped at the man and darted toward him.

  “Shit!” Tommy’s shiny agent shoes squeaked across the hardwood floor as he barreled down the hall toward the dwarf and the open front door.

  Luther responded with a sharp bark and raced after his brother and Agent Nelson. “Hey! Get back here!”

  The screen door banged against the outside of the house as Tommy shoved it open and practically threw himself off the front porch. Both hounds raced after him and cleared the porch in a single leap.