Go Dwarf Yourself

by Martha Carr

“Hey, Johnny.” Luther pressed his nose to the sidewalk, his tail wagging furiously. “There were four other dogs here, like, an hour ago. We should find ʼem. Friends in the city, remember?”

  “I need a bush.” Rex uttered a low whine. “Johnny, where’s all the grass? I need grass or at least somethin’ soft to shit on. Come on.”

  The dwarf stopped and looked at the dog. “Go ahead.”

  “For real? On the sidewalk?”

  He glanced around and snatched up a plastic bag from the gutter. “Hurry, Rex.”

  “Okay, okay.” Rex sniffed in a tight circle and hunkered to do his business.

  “What?” Luther stepped away from him and lifted his head to both look and sniff up and down the street. “No one wants to see that.”

  “I can’t hold it.”

  When Lisa realized what the hound was doing, she looked away quickly and folded her arms. “Our best lead to follow now is to get into that Monsters Ball tomorrow. Whatever that is.”

  Johnny fixed her with a surprised look and ignored Rex’s relieved sighs filling his mind. “You’re with the Bounty Hunter Department and you don’t know.”

  “I’m not a bounty hunter, Johnny. I’m only the middleman.”

  Shaking his head, he stooped to pick the dog’s mess up with the plastic bag and tied the handles together in a tight knot before he continued down the sidewalk. “The Monsters Balls don’t come around very often, but when they do, you can be damn sure every high-level criminal and dark magical with their hands in the same fucking pie is gonna be there.”

  “Including Lemonhead.”

  “Yeah, but we won’t only be up against him if we crash the crime party.”

  Lisa cast him a sidelong glance and smirked. “Don’t tell me you’re worried about that part.”

  “Going to a Monsters Ball doesn’t fall under keeping things simple. Anything could happen.”

  “Well then, we’ll take care of it. Roll in, grab Amanda, and roll out. And you can take the trash out however the hell you want.”

  With a grunt, he tossed the smelly plastic bag into a pile of already stinking trash at the mouth of an alley and wiped his hands on his jeans. “Yeah. I guess that’ll hafta do.”

  Chapter Nine

  The next morning, Lisa knocked on Johnny’s hotel room door and it opened immediately. “Hey. I thought you might wanna get breakfast.”

  “I already did.” At her confused frown, he stepped aside and gestured into his room. “Come on in.”

  She stepped inside and turned to frown at him as he shut the door. “The restaurant’s only been open for fifteen minutes.”

  “Room service kicks in early, though.”

  “You ordered room service?”

  “Why not?”

  Lisa shook her head. “And you paid for it, right?”

  “I put it on the room.”

  “Johnny, I said I wasn’t gonna pay for all your meals.”

  He stopped and stared at her. “Are you fronting the hotel bill too?”

  “No, that’s on the Bureau.”

  “Then so is breakfast.” He shrugged and gestured toward the tray on the desk. “Help yourself.”

  With a sigh, she moved toward the desk and found Rex and Luther lying between the bed and the window and going to town on what was left of their T-bone steaks, which was essentially only the T-bones. “These dogs get better treatment than most people I know.”

  “They work harder and with better results, too. Look, we have orange juice, coffee, toast, eggs, and bacon. That’s a given. And an extra plate and silverware. So go ahead.”

  Lisa tried not to smile when she turned and to where the dwarf sat on the edge of his bed and munched a handful of bacon. “You planned this, didn’t you?”

  “I decided it was possible you’d knock on my door, ready to head out. Don’t make a big deal out of it.” He stretched for the coffee mug on the bedside table and took a long sip.

  “All right. Well, thanks for breakfast, then.”

  “Thank the Bureau.”

  When they’d gone through everything on the breakfast tray, Lisa refilled her coffee mug and leaned back in the hotel room’s single armchair. “So, we have eleven hours until the Monsters Ball and I thought—”

  The dwarf rolled his eyes. “Here we go.”

  “I’m serious.” She blew on her coffee and took a tentative sip. “In all the times I’ve been to New York City, I’ve never gotten to see it, you know? It’s always going from one place to another for whatever assignment and holing up in hotel rooms like this. We should get out. See the city.”

  “You go do whatever you want. I’m good here.” He swung his legs onto the bed with a grunt, leaned back against the neatly stacked pillows, and folded his hands behind his head.

  “Come on, Johnny. It’ll be fun.” Lisa grinned. “I can finally do the whole Sex In the City thing. Take the kinda tour you take when you’re in Manhattan for fun. And you know your way around. I have the perfect guide.”

  He closed his eyes with a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what the hell you said but it’s not happening.”

  “Johnny.” Luther’s head popped up over the edge of the bed and his tongue flopped out onto the top of the neatly made bedspread. “We want out too. A tour, Johnny.”

  “Yeah.” The sound of Rex crunching on the T-bone filled the hotel room. “We got a few things in mind. You can’t keep us in this room forever.”

  “Please, Johnny?” With a soft laugh, Lisa set her coffee mug on the desk and leaned forward. “You won’t regret it.”

  “Whenever someone says that it usually means the exact opposite.”

  “Oh, come on. You can’t come out of retirement simply to stay in a hotel room all day.”

  “Watch me.”

  Luther jumped up and slapped his front paws on the bedspread. “See? She’s got the right idea. I need air. Rex is farting in my face over here.”

  His brother crunched the bone again. “Then move your face.”

  With a heavy sigh, the dwarf pushed off the pillows and waved her forward. “There’s only one way to settle this.”

  Her eyes widened above a hesitant smile. “And that is?”

  “Rochambeau.”

  “Gesundheit.”

  He gave her a deadpan stare. “That wasn’t a sneeze.”

  “Well, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “You’re a Yankee through and through, aren’t ya?”

  She laughed. “What?”

  “Get up on the bed. Come on. I won’t bitecha.”

  “Not until you tell me what ro shampoo is.”

  “Rochambeau.” He waved her onto the bed again a little more forcefully. “Does rock-paper-scissors ring a bell?”

  “Oh.” Smoothing her hair away from her face, Lisa stood and approached the bed slowly. “That’s how we’ll decide our day?”

  “Like I said, darlin’. There’s only one way to settle it.”

  “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” She climbed tentatively onto the bed and stopped well away from the center.

  With a snort, Johnny crossed his legs beneath him and held his hands out, one fist above his opposite palm. “You do know how to play, don’t you?”

  “I know how to play.”

  “Ro-cham-beau.” He held her gaze the whole time and went with paper.

  Lisa glanced at their hands and grinned. “Scissors beat paper, Johnny.”

  “Shit.”

  “I’m ready to go.” She slid off the bed and gestured expansively. “We can’t desecrate the rules of Roachy…whatever. Rock-paper-scissors.”

  “Hey, Johnny.” Luther uttered a sharp yip. “Johnny, do one with us. Come on.”

  “Yeah, okay.” The dwarf hopped off the bed and brushed past a completely confused Lisa to make his way between the bed and window toward the hounds.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I don’t want the boys to feel left out.” The dwarf hunkered down and both do
gs walked toward him before they sat on their haunches. “Ready?”

  Rex and Luther both barked softly. “You’re on, Johnny.”

  “We’re so gonna win. Not because you let us, either.”

  He smirked. “You know how it goes. Three counts and you lay out those paws.”

  Lisa chuckled with confusion and shook her head. “What is happening right now?”

  “Ro-cham-beaux.” Johnny bounced both fists three times, and his hounds did the same with a forepaw.

  “Ha! We win!”

  “Paper beats rock, Johnny. Yes!”

  Both hounds slapped their paws on the tops of his fists, panting in excitement.

  “All right.” The dwarf pushed to his feet. “You win fair and square. Where do you wanna go?”

  She folded her arms. “Central Park’s a good place to—”

  “Hold on.” He held a finger up for her to be silent. “Just a sec.”

  “You’re asking the dogs?”

  “They won.”

  “Wow. He’s asking the dogs.”

  Luther stood, his tail thumping against the side of the mattress. “Central Park. That’s a good one.”

  “Lots of dogs in Central Park,” Rex added. “Ooh, hey. And that statue of a dog. The Balto guy you told us about once.”

  “Balto!” Luther punctuated that with another sharp yip.

  Johnny sniggered and ran a hand through his hair before he turned to face Lisa with a shrug. “I guess it’s Central Park.”

  “Uh-huh.” She frowned at the dogs as they followed the dwarf toward the door but couldn’t hold back a smile. “That’s what the dogs told you?”

  “Would you believe me if I said yes?”

  “Honestly, I have no idea.”

  “Come on, lady. Keep up!” Luther spun in a tight circle as Johnny retrieved his leather jacket from the hook near the door. “You don’t wanna miss it.”

  “Balto! We get to see Balto!” Rex uttered a low whine as his master opened the door, but both dogs stayed there until the dwarf snapped his fingers for them to join him in the hall.

  Lisa closed the door behind her and followed them toward the elevator.

  “Johnny, this’ll be great. You’ll love it.” Rex stopped to sniff a suspicious stain on the wall.

  “Wait.” Lisa hurried to catch up with them. “Can you truly hear your dogs?”

  Rex sneezed and bashed his head against the wall before he shook it off and trotted to catch up.

  Johnny smirked. “Gesundheit.”

  Chapter Ten

  They had to go through Times Square first to get to Central Park, and Johnny was the only one who wasn’t practically jumping up and down about it.

  “Wow.” Lisa gazed wide-eyed at the blazing billboards and brilliant colors. “Look at all the lights.”

  “They are kinda hard to miss, yeah.”

  She laughed. “Are you committed to not enjoying yourself?”

  “Only when I came to New York for another reason.”

  “I thought we went over this.”

  He sniffed. “I’m here, ain’t I?”

  “You are. Okay, well…try to loosen up a little while we’re out, okay? There’s nothing we can do until tonight. And then it’s all business.”

  “Yeah. Loosen up.” The dwarf rolled his shoulders. “I’ll work on it.”

  “Johnny. Johnny!” Luther barked. “Look at the naked guy!”

  “Why would I wanna do that?”

  “Do what?” Lisa looked down and clapped a hand over her mouth. “Oh, my God. I thought the Naked Cowboy was only…I don’t know. Only on YouTube or something.”

  Johnny shoved his hands in his pockets and kept walking. Rex and Luther tagged along at the end of the thin leashes he’d purchased at a Walgreens. “He looks real to me.”

  “He even has the guitar in front of his crotch and everything.” She barked a laugh. “I can’t believe he’s still here.”

  They passed the middle-aged man standing in nothing but cowboy boots, tighty-whities, and a huge cowboy hat with his guitar strap slung over his shoulder. The Naked Cowboy jerked his chin at Johnny and pointed with a grin. “Hey. I haven’t seen you in a while.”

  “Yeah, you too.” The dwarf kept walking.

  “Wait, you know him?”

  “Everyone knows him.” He pulled his sunglasses out of his jacket pocket and slid them on. “You haven’t been out much here, huh?”

  “Well, I didn’t make it up simply to screw with you.” Lisa turned over her shoulder for another glance at the Naked Cowboy and shook her head. “This is great.”

  They pushed through the crowds of people milling around under all the flashing lights and scrolling signs.

  “Johnny, they have all the food here.” Luther stopped to sniff a hot dog stand upwind on their right. “Come on. How ʼbout hot dogs today?”

  Rex snorted. “I’m not sure I wanna eat anything with the word dog in it.”

  “Hot dogs aren’t made from dogs.”

  “Aren’t they? Honestly?”

  Luther walked faster toward the stand but stopped every time the leash got even remotely taut. “Come on, Johnny.”

  “Central Park. That was the deal.”

  Lisa gave him a confused glance. “Yeah, I know.”

  He stared directly ahead. Talking to my hounds is gonna get real old real fast if she thinks everything’s aimed at her.

  “I’ve never had a hotdog from a street stand before,” she added. “What about—ah!”

  A man dressed head to toe in a Batman costume—complete with mask, utility belt, and cape—leapt out from behind the hotdog stand and spread his cape behind him. “I…am…Batman,” he all but growled.

  She burst out laughing. “I can see that.”

  The man swirled his cape around him as he turned and leapt in front of another group of pedestrians. “I’m watching you!”

  Two women in the group shrieked and hurried away from him.

  “Yo, Batman!” the hotdog vendor shouted. “Take that shit somewhere else, huh? I’m tryin’ to make a livin’ here!”

  Batman zig-zagged across the sidewalk to crouch behind a trashcan to wait for his next unsuspecting victims.

  “Never mind the hotdog,” Lisa muttered. “But I love this city.”

  “We’ll find somewhere better.” Johnny slid his hands in his pockets and the slack leashes trailed from the sides of his jacket.

  “Oh, yeah? Where?”

  “You’ll see.”

  “Central Park first, Johnny.” Luther couldn’t decide whether to keep his nose to the cement or to raise it and catch every other scent on the air.

  Rex raised his head and howled. “Balto!”

  A woman wearing at least five different hats one on top of the other and pulling two roller suitcases behind her dropped one of the handles to point at Luther. “You have a dancin’ dog there, mister. Ha! Look at him go. Buckin’ bronco, dog!”

  She fell into a fit of cackling laughter and turned to continue to point at Luther sniffing the ground, then the sky, then the ground again.

  “She thinks you’re a horse.” Rex abandoned his focus on his brother when a man crammed a huge sandwich into his mouth as he walked past and left a trail of dripping cheese sauce behind him. “This is the best.”

  “I’m not a horse.”

  “I know that.”

  “I’m a—pigeon! Hey!”

  Johnny whistled sharply, and both hounds whipped their heads up to look at him. “If either of you goes off chasing anything, we’re gonna have us a long chat we all know you won’t like.”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  “Those birds are asking for it.”

  Lisa smiled at the dogs. “How did you train them to stay so close to you like that?”

  “They know who’s boss.” He shrugged. “And I let ʼem run around in the swamp until they’re too tired to think about not listening.”

  Rex’s laughter filled his master’s head. “Dumb answe
r, but okay.”

  “It’s ʼcause we like you, Johnny. And you feed us.”

  “Except for right now. One trash can, Johnny. I’ll knock it over and you give me twenty seconds.”

  The dwarf stopped to let a string of men and women dressed in brightly dyed, gossamer fabric with flower crowns on their heads and their faces painted like butterflies dance across that section of Times Square. The last of them pounded on a tambourine as she lifted it skyward and lowered it in rhythm.

  “I’ll take Batman over this.”

  “You gotta hand it to ʼem, though,” Lisa said. “They got creative with the costumes.”

  “I guess.”

  The woman with the tambourine paused in front of Johnny and batted her eyelashes at him before she darted after the rest of her troupe.

  “And there it is.” Lisa shook her head as they kept moving.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he grumbled.

  A group of middle-aged women with designer handbags and stiletto heels walked past with to-go coffees in their hands. Two of them slowed to turn and watch the dwarf and flashed him appraising smiles.

  “That. You didn’t see the cougars checking you out?”

  “You can’t call ʼem cougars if I’m almost twice their age.”

  She frowned and considered that. “No, I guess not.”

  “I don’t get it.” Rex sniffed the women’s eclectic mixture of perfume and sneezed. “Those females wouldn’t look twice at you if they were in the Everglades.”

  Johnny smirked. I’m not gonna find women like that in the Everglades.

  “Yeah, but check out the poodle,” Luther said. “Man, she’s lookin’ twice at me. Hot dog.”

  “Don’t even try it with the city types, Luther. We’re country hounds. Doesn’t work.”

  “The way she’s waggin’ her tail says otherwise, brother.”

  “Trust me. I saw a documentary by that historian. That, uh…that Walt Disney guy. Lady and the Tramp.” Rex snorted as his brother barked at the poodle. “That was the one exception, man. Not gonna work for you.”

  “You don’t know.” Luther turned reluctantly away from the poodle when his leash drew taut and hurried to walk at Johnny’s side again. “Man, I didn’t even have a chance.”