Go Dwarf Yourself

by Martha Carr

  Marco’s eyes fluttered closed as he took a slow, deep breath through his nose. “Can you imagine? I hear the bid’s been at two million since this morning. It’s not surprising if you ask me.”

  “Two point three,” Ameyna replied.

  “Oh.” Reynaldo grinned and leaned away from her. “So you have kept an eye on the little shifter peach.”

  “I keep an eye on all of it. Don’t presume to understand my motives, Reynaldo. False intelligence doesn’t look good on you, but I suppose we all have to work with what we have.”

  Marco and Cal snorted into their drinks. Reynaldo’s lips twitched into a sneer, and he adjusted the collar of his dress shirt without being able to come up with a reply.

  “If you were to bid on our Belle of the Ball,” Cal said, “do you think you’d manage to outbid Lemonhead”

  Ameyna’s dark, glistening gaze flicked toward the shifter, and her eyes widened slightly. “If he even appears. In-person attendance is still required to place a winning bid and take the prize home, is it not?”

  “I wonder if he knows that. It’s about time we put a face to that stupid name.”

  Marco sipped his champagne. “You saw that Bulldog trying to give Lemonhead a run for his money, didn’t you? Like a bad episode of Bidding Wars.”

  “Whoever that chump is, he dropped out after a million and a half.” Cal stroked his beard. “My bet’s on Bulldog being a mid-level monster with delusions of grandeur.”

  “Or he merely didn’t think the girl would provide enough of an ROI.” Reynaldo raised an eyebrow. “If you ask me, I’d say she’s worth more than two point three million.”

  “Then why don’t you bid when they bring her up on stage?” Cal asked.

  “Maybe I will.”

  “I’ve had my eye on those Guatemalan twins,” Marco added. “The things one could do with a matching pair of devout and terrified immigrants. What do you think?”

  The conversation turned away from Lemonhead and the bid on Amanda and didn’t circle to them again. After three more minutes of listening to the infuriating exchange, Johnny placed his hand on the small of Lisa’s back and guided her farther across the penthouse. “Let’s keep walking.”

  She looked at him in surprise but didn’t shy away. “I didn’t take you for the handsy type.”

  He removed his hand and slid it slowly into the pocket of his slacks. “I ain’t.”

  They canvassed the penthouse and the dozens of mob bosses both magical and human and listened in on any conversations that even hinted at information about Lemonhead or Amanda. Many of the usernames they’d seen on the dark-web bidding were thrown around—along with exorbitant amounts of money for various lots—but no one knew who Lemonhead was, what he wanted, or if he would even make an appearance at the Monsters Ball.

  Halfway through their wide circle around the penthouse’s main room, Johnny had mapped each and every criminal asshole he’d felt staring at both him and Lisa—mostly Lisa, though. By the time they returned to the bar at the kitchen island, he suggested they go back for another drink.

  The bartender looked at them with well-honed apathy and no hint of recognition.

  The dwarf cleared his throat. “Yeah, we’ll have another—”

  “Gin and tonic for the lady,” the bartender said. “Extra lime. And Johnny Walker Black for the gentleman. Double. Straight.”

  He smirked at the man and rapped his knuckles on the granite counter again. “You’re good.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  As the bartender moved swiftly to pour their drinks, Johnny turned to Lisa and found her tangled in conversation with an overweight wizard in a pinstriped suit and a golden monocle.

  “A beautiful thing like you? Come on. Of course you’re interested. Let me get you a drink and we’ll talk.”

  “I’m already getting my drink, thank you.” She shook her head firmly. “And I’m not interested.”

  “Don’t say that, honey. Look at you.” The wizard stepped toward her and his eyes bulged as he stared down the front of her dress. A thin sheen of sweat glistened on his forehead. “This isn’t the kind of offer that gets passed around every day.” His thick-fingered hand slid onto her hip as he stepped closer and chuckled. “There’s a private room on the east side. Grab your drink and I’ll tell you all about it.”

  Lisa looked slowly at his hand on her hip and stuck her clutch under one arm. “You need to—”

  “Clean out your fuckin’ ears, bub.” Johnny caught the wizard’s hand and jerked it away from her hip. Bones crunched in the dwarf’s vicelike grip, and the wizard shrieked as his knees buckled beneath him. His other hand slapped the granite countertop and he gaped at his crushed hand.

  “My hand! W-what are you? Crazy?” He shrieked again. “Y-you can’t—”

  “I just did. No means no. That’s been a thing for a while.” He released the wizard’s hand and the magical staggered to his knees with a gasp. His monocle fell from his eye and the end of the attached chain pulled free from its pin as he cradled his hand to his chest and groaned.

  The dwarf turned toward the counter for their waiting drinks and offered Lisa her gin and tonic. “Let’s go.”

  She scowled and took her glass quickly, but she wasn’t happy about it.

  Pausing beside the sniveling, oversized wizard, he sneered at him and muttered, “Don’t let me catch you doin’ that again. Douche.”

  His boot crunched on the fallen monocle as he stepped away with his partner at his side.

  “That does not count as keeping a low profile, Johnny.”

  “Neither was he. The bastard needs to learn—”

  “Hey.” She stopped and turned toward him. “Next time, let me take care of it.”

  He studied her face and his eye twitched. “You’re pissed.”

  “I can handle myself in almost any situation, Johnny. I thought we covered that already.”

  “All right. My bad. No means no even when you’re turning help down, huh?”

  “We’re a team but I don’t need your help with that.”

  “Yeah.” He sipped his whiskey and heaved a loud, contented sigh. “How’s your drink?”

  Taking a deep breath, Lisa stared at him over the rim of her glass as she slipped the cocktail straw between her lips. “Exactly the way I like it.”

  “Good. Do you want me to let you order your own drink next time too?”

  She rolled her eyes and couldn’t help a small chuckle. “You can keep ordering my drinks.”

  “Great. We’re finding boundaries. Now, let’s go—”

  “Ladies and gentlemen. Monsters and men.” The MC’s high-pitched voice shrieked over the loudspeaker, and all attendees paused their conversations to be picked up later and turned to face the stage. The gnome who stood there in a glittering, emerald-green smoking jacket jerked the microphone out of the stand and gestured expansively with his other arm. “Now that you’ve all had some time to build a little more excitement for tonight’s event, it’s time to open the auction for the last round of bids. And do we have some exquisite lots to present to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely exquisite. So let’s begin, shall we?”

  A round of polite applause and a few whistles drifted toward the stage as the gnome marched toward his list on the podium. The only sign that any of these criminals were more excited than they let on was the fact that no one said a word and all eyes stared hungrily at the sheet of paper fluttering in the gnome’s hand.

  “Here we go,” Lisa muttered into her glass.

  Johnny downed the rest of his double Johnny Walker Black and grimaced. “Fuck.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “Up first, Lot 13725.” The MC gestured toward the black drape stretched between the stage and the back corner of the penthouse.

  It whipped aside and another Kilomea security guard in a tuxedo yanked a terrified young girl onto the stage. She stood with her shoulders hunched, her thick black hair hanging around her face like a curtain
as she shuddered with silent tears.

  “Jesus,” Lisa muttered.

  “Beautiful girl from Chinatown, ladies and gentlemen. Seventeen. Looks can be deceiving when she’s standing like that. Chin up, girl.” The MC chuckled. “Size two. The virtual bidding closed at five o’clock this evening with the winning bid at fourteen thousand. Do I hear fifteen thousand? Fifteen? Fifteen thousand to the wizard up front here. How about seventeen and a half? Do I hear seventeen and a—”

  “Twenty-five.” The bid came from the shifter Cal with the long dark ponytail.

  “Twenty-five thousand to Cal Pelfer and Queens’ very own purveyor of mind-elevating alternatives.” The gnome winked at the shifter mob boss and tittered. “Do I hear thirty? Thirty thousand? How about twenty-seven and a half? Do I hear twenty-seven and a half? Bid will go to Mr. Pelfer at twenty-five thousand. Going once. Going twice. Sold.”

  A silver ball of light launched from the MC’s outstretched index finger and burst beneath the high penthouse ceiling like a glitter bomb before the magic dissipated into the air.

  “Thank you, Mr. Pelfer. Your lot will wait for you in the back until you’re finished with tonight’s auction. Harvey, please hand the gentleman his ticket.” The gnome nodded vigorously and grinned as a half-Kilomea security guard handed Cal Pelfer his claim ticket. “We’re getting off to a wonderful start tonight, ladies and gentlemen. A wonderful start indeed. And now I’d like to turn your attention to Lot 13726, all the way from Jamaica!”

  The guard who still held his hand around the terrified young girl’s arm jerked her backward across the stage with him. They vanished behind the black curtain two seconds before another one appeared dragging a tiny Jamaican girl behind him by the back of her shirt. She cried out when he jerked her around to stand on her feet and she whimpered on the stage.

  “Now look at this one,” the MC cried. “Ten years old. And she’s come a long, long way to be with you tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that potential. Bidding closed this evening at thirty-three thousand dollars. Do I hear forty?”

  The dwarf’s grasp tightened around the empty rocks glass until it cracked.

  “Johnny,” Lisa whispered and leaned toward him. “I’m not gonna ask if you’re okay but we can’t start breaking things now.”

  “I know,” he all but growled in a low tone.

  “We have to lay low until they bring Amanda up—”

  “I know,” he snapped and leaned to the side to clink the almost shattered glass on a passing server’s tray. His fist clenched and unclenched as he forced it down to his side again. “I’m fine.”

  She gave the surprised server a reassuring glance, then raised her chin as she forced herself to look at the stage. “I know.”

  Johnny sniffed. The muscles of his jaw worked beneath his bristling red beard as he endured the spectacle and couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Rein it in, Johnny. You’re not here for these girls tonight but you will be there for them. Play it smart. These motherfuckers are goin’ down eventually.

  As girl after girl was brought onto the stage, bid on, sold, and whisked away again to await being claimed by their monstrous buyers, he made a mental note of each and every one of them—what the girls looked like, which magical fucker bought them, and for how much. If he didn’t recognize a buyer right away, he paired them with a name he knew he wouldn’t forget. Fuckface in the Cravat. Stringy Bitch. Dickless Wizard with the Scar. Dickless Human with the Tattoo. Pencil-Thin Douchebag Beard.

  Lisa noticed his lips moving under his red mustache as each girl was sold to the highest bidder and the crime lord was handed their claim ticket. “Do I need to be worried?” she whispered.

  “No. They should be, though. I’m comin’ for every last one of these sons of bitches later. Personally.”

  She returned her gaze to the stage and sipped her drink slowly. He says ‘later’ like he’s coming out of retirement. The Department’s gonna piss themselves in excitement if that’s what he plans to do.

  After twenty-six kidnapped, terrified, and weeping young girls were brought onto the auction stage and purchased like fucking cattle, Johnny’s head throbbed from how tightly he clenched his jaw.

  “Look at that.” The gnome MC turned to watch the last girl dragged off the stage after she fainted. “What an incredible lineup, huh? And you’ve been so patient, ladies and gentlemen. So patient and so generous with your bids. But of course, that’s why you were invited, isn’t it?”

  A round of eager chuckles issued from the crime lords scattered around the room. The feigned amusement died down quickly, however, so they could hang on the gnome’s every word.

  “And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The moment I’ve been waiting for too. I can’t lie to you. Lot 13752, the Belle of this season’s Monsters Ball!”

  The crime lords and mob bosses drew closer to the stage to get a better look, muttered to their neighbors, and sipped their drinks. A Wood Elf stepped too close to Ameyna the Heiress and earned a face full of snake-hair bites before he staggered away with a snarl. Another scuffle broke out between a dwarf and a wizard who wouldn’t let the shorter magical step in front of him despite being able to see well over the shorter man’s head.

  Johnny sneered and stared at the black curtain and the small scuffle rising behind it. “Here we go.”

  “How are we gonna do this?” Lisa asked.

  “It’ll come to me. Just back me up.”

  “You got it.”

  The sharp smack of flesh on flesh came from behind the curtain before a full-blooded Kilomea whipped the curtain aside and stepped onto the stage. His huge, shaggy feet made the platform tremble so much that the MC stumbled and righted himself hastily using the podium for balance. With a grunt, the Kilomea jerked a short chain of heavy metal links. “Move it, bitch.”

  The chain grew taut in his hand and a brilliant blue flicker of light and the zap of an electric cattle prod illuminated the darkness behind the stage. The chain slackened again, and the Kilomea hauled on it while whoever worked behind the curtain shoved the next lot onto the stage.

  Amanda snarled at the Kilomea, her hands cuffed behind her back. The chain was attached to a heavy metal collar around her neck. When her hairy, snaggle-toothed handler pushed her forward, she snarled again and snapped at him with very human teeth.

  “Woah-ho-ho!” the MC shouted into the microphone. “Look at the fight in this one, ladies and gentlemen.”

  The Kilomea jerked on the chain, and a collective gasp of amused excitement rose from the bidders. Amanda gritted her teeth and stared at the faces of so many strangers waiting to see who would pay the most money to take her home tonight. Her small fists clenched tightly at her sides as her chest heaved with rapid, heavy, furious breaths.

  That’s it, girl. Johnny couldn’t look anywhere but at the young shifter’s determined, unbroken strength. We’re gonna need that fight in you soon.

  “Twelve years old, ladies and gentlemen,” the MC continued gleefully. “And a spitfire at that, isn’t she? You’ve all read in the description that she likes to bite, and you’ve seen it for yourselves. No one’s looking for this one, folks. We also came upon some new details in the last twelve hours, which if you haven’t already guessed by the collar… Well. This one’s a shifter. Bidding closed this evening at two point three million dollars. Do I hear two point five? Anyone with two point five—ah. Yes. Two point five to the Heiress. Very nice. Do I hear three million? Three million for this firecracker of a young shifter, and only twelve years old! Still time to mold her, eh? Three million? Three million to the gentleman in the back. That’s fantastic, sir.”

  Heads turned toward a gray-skinned magical who stood at the back of the gathered crowd. Johnny didn’t bother to look but Lisa caught a glimpse of the hulking giant in the tailored white suit. The guy looks like he was burned all over and painted in ash.

  “Do I hear three point five million? Anyone?” The gnome was grinning now, bre
athing heavily as he almost pressed the head of the microphone against his glinting teeth. “Three and a quarter? Do I hear three and a quarter million for this fine young shifter in the collar? They don’t make ʼem like this anymore, no sirree. No? Very well. Three million dollars to the gentleman in the back with the impeccable white suit. Going once. Going twice—”

  “Four million!” Johnny shouted and folded his arms.

  Lisa balked as the rest of the crime lords turned to stare at the dwarf who hadn’t bothered to wear proper footwear for the occasion.

  “Well.” The MC chuckled in surprise. “This is certainly a surprise, Mr…”

  “Let’s simply go with Bulldog, huh?”

  Lisa fought to not roll her eyes. Oh, now he wants to use an alias.

  “Mr. Bulldog. Magnificent. Do I hear four and a quarter?”

  “You!” The scarred, gray-skinned magical in the white suit roared and shoved other crime bosses out of the way to get to Johnny.

  “He doesn’t sound very happy about this,” Lisa muttered.

  “Why would he be? He can bid or get the fuck outta here.” The dwarf stared at Amanda, who frowned at him from the stage like she tried to place his face. That’s right, kid. You’ve seen me before.

  “Do I hear four and a quarter?” the gnome shouted. His eyes widened as the magical in the white suit tossed anyone out of his way who didn’t automatically move for him.

  “Five million,” the burned magical roared.

  The spectators murmured their acknowledgment. A few of them clapped in approval, fully impressed by this unnamed attendee to the Monsters Ball who put five million dollars on the line to get what he wanted.

  “I’m so sick of your bullshit,” he shouted. “Bulldog! I’m talkin’ to you! You’ve hiked this up for two days. What’s your fucking game?”

  Johnny’s smile widened as he unbuttoned his dinner jacket, folded his arms, and slid his hands inside it.

  Lisa turned for a brief glimpse of the magical who stalked toward them in undisguised fury. “That’s him, Johnny. That’s Lemonhead.”