Go Dwarf Yourself

by Martha Carr

  The dwarf snorted and fought back a laugh. Beside him, Amanda tried to hide a smirk.

  Lisa studied them both and shook her head. “I missed the joke.”

  “Come on, darlin’. Look at the guy.”

  Tommy stumbled across the dirt drive and almost fell when he ran into one of the lawn chairs. He righted himself and looked over his shoulder every two steps to keep an eye on the coonhounds.

  “Ooh, you stink when you’re scared,” Luther taunted.

  “They all do. Nothin’ special about this one.” Rex barked sharply and the agent almost tripped over his own feet again as he scrambled toward the front porch. “Look at him go, Johnny! Like a rabbit out of his hole.”

  “Rabbit tastes way better, though.”

  “For sure.”

  The man finally caught his balance again on the porch and spun, clutching the briefcase in both hands and breathing heavily. “What did you do to your dogs, Johnny?”

  He shook his head. “Nothin’. They merely don’t like you.”

  “Why? I didn’t do anything.”

  Amanda shrugged. “Maybe you smell funny.”

  Tommy whipped his head toward her and scrutinized her for a long moment. “Huh. It looks like you’re fittin’ right in.”

  “Like a glove, Nelson.” Johnny inclined his head and fixed him with a stern look. “Do you need somethin’?”

  “Yeah.” The agent jerked his tie from side to side to loosen it and glanced at the hounds who continued to growl at him from the bottom of the stairs. “A quick debriefing. And a few other things.”

  He gestured toward Amanda. “I’m debriefed if you ask me.”

  “Come on, Johnny. Let’s cut the shit. Oh. Sorry about the language, kid.”

  The girl shook her head. “Like I give a fuck.”

  All three adults stared at her.

  “What? Not okay?”

  “You’re fine.”

  Tommy scoffed. “Johnny…”

  “Nah, she earned that one, Nelson. Trust me. But hang onto the next one for the right moment, huh, kid? It’s all about timing.”

  She nodded. “Got it.”

  The dwarf snapped his fingers. “That’s enough, boys. Our stiff friend in the monkey suit got the point. Didn’t you?”

  The man tugged the rumples from his standard Fed suit jacket. “Yeah. Sure.”

  Johnny opened the screen door and stepped inside. “You have ten minutes, Nelson. I’m feelin’ generous today.”

  With a long-suffering sigh, Tommy caught the screen door and hefted the briefcase inside after him. Lisa and Amanda followed, and the hounds didn’t make it onto the porch in time. “Aw, come on. Johnny! Let us in!”

  “Hey, Rex. Back door.”

  “Yeah, dog door.”

  “Hurry.”

  The visitor shook his head as he watched Amanda follow Johnny into the dwarf’s workshop. Lisa caught up to him, and the man leaned toward her to mutter, “How much of a nightmare were the last forty-eight hours for you?”

  She grinned at him and gave him a condescending pat on the back. “Not nearly as much as you hope, Tommy.”

  He paused in the doorway to the workshop and frowned as he wrinkled his nose. “Come on. It’s not an image I needed.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She stopped beside Johnny on one side of the worktable and batted her eyelashes at her fellow agent.

  The dwarf snorted. “Neither do I. ʼCause you ain’t sayin’ nothin’. Nine minutes, Nelson.”

  “Yeah, yeah. But…Christ.”

  Amanda leaned over the head of the worktable and lowered her elbows onto it to prop her chin in both hands. She watched Tommy with wide eyes as he took his place across the table from Johnny and Lisa.

  He swung the briefcase onto the surface and looked at the young shifter. “This is probably not a conversation for a kid. You know.”

  She shook her head. “Not really.”

  “Johnny, a little help here?”

  “She’s earned a place here too, Nelson.” He rapped his knuckles on the table. “You know.”

  “Whatever.” With a heavy sigh, the agent flipped the locks on the briefcase up, spun it sideways, and opened it. “It’s time for your next job, Johnny.”

  “Uh-uh.” He shook his head. “This one was a one-time deal. I’m out.”

  Tommy ignored him and whipped the top sheet of paper out of the briefcase without trying to make him read it this time. “You’ll like this one, Johnny. It’s in your back yard.”

  “I don’t think you heard me.”

  Another array of pictures thumped onto the table. Johnny didn’t look at any of them.

  “Some Oriceran monster’s made a big fuss around many tourist areas. And by monster, I mean of the creature variety. You used to take these on by the truckload back in the day.” He threw two more photographs down and stabbed his finger at each one in turn. “It struck a five-star resort in the Keys three weeks ago. We thought that one was a disgruntled employee playing with homemade bombs. Boy, was that poor bastard surprised.”

  “Nelson.”

  “Four days later, a gas station off one of the roads through the Everglades—don’t ask me which one ʼcause they all look the same to me—was demolished and burned to the ground after a gas leak. Shit happens sometimes, right? Except that we found the same purple goo at both the resort and the gas station. And at a waterfront bar and music venue five days ago. It was undoubtedly the same substance. I think maybe it’s some kinda biological flammable. Or the monster likes to take a shit after it destroys its target. I’ll leave that up to you to decide.”

  Amanda tilted her head and stared at the photos. “You want him to go after this and you don’t even know where the gas station is?”

  Tommy leaned away from her and scoffed. “It’s all in the file. Johnny knows how to read.” He turned toward the dwarf and nodded. “Plus, if you take this case, Agent Breyer gets a clean slate. Which is saying a hell of a lot after she broke rank like that and helped you smuggle Amanda Coulier out of Manhattan instead of doing her job.”

  “Are you for real?” The young shifter glared at the man.

  “What?”

  “They’re not the ones who smuggled me anywhere. Do you even know what you’re doing?”

  “Oh.” The agent glanced at her and shrugged. “Sorry. Slip of the tongue.”

  Johnny rubbed his mouth. “All right, asshole.”

  Tommy thumped a fist on the worktable and nodded. “All right. Should I take that as a yes?”

  “Maybe.”

  “I knew the bug would hit you again sooner or later, Johnny.” The man chuckled. “You were made for this work and we don’t clear a whole lotta Level Fives in the Department. You’re damn valuable.”

  “No shit.” The dwarf sniffed and scanned the photos again. “I’ll take the job.”

  “Yes.” Agent Nelson pumped a fist in front of him, caught Lisa’s smirk, and lowered his hand quickly to his side again.

  She shook her head slowly. “Unbelievable.”

  He ignored her. “Great. If you have any questions, give me a call, and we can—”

  “On one condition,” Johnny added.

  All the energy seeped out of Tommy at once. “I should have expected that.”

  “And it happens by the end of the week.”

  “Well shit, Johnny.” The man glanced at Lisa and laughed nervously. “You gotta tell me what it is first.”

  The dwarf folded his arms and glared at him. “I want all the files on my daughter’s case.”

  “What? Johnny, you have all the files. Or the copies at the very least.”

  “No, I don’t.” He pressed his fingertips onto the tabletop and leaned forward. “I found him, Nelson. He calls himself the Red Boar.”

  “You…you what?”

  Lisa stared at the dwarf with wide eyes. “Johnny?”

  Tommy shook his head. “I never heard of him.”

  “’Cause he’s be
en playin’ house with Lemonhead. Look, I don’t need to explain to you what I know or how I found it. But your people have been holdin’ back for fifteen years, Nelson. I know there’s more and I want those files in my hand by the end of the week. Then I’ll go huntin’ for your creature.”

  “It’s not my creature, Johnny.” The man glanced at all the photos on the worktable and nodded. “I swear I don’t know anything about holding information back on her case either. But you have yourself a deal. I’ll get you those files.”

  “By the end of the week.”

  The agent nodded and proffered his hand. “End of the week.”

  Johnny waved him off. “I’ll shake your hand when you deliver.”

  “Huh. Yeah, okay.”

  “Do you think you’ll need a partner for this one, Johnny?” Lisa asked with a small smile.

  “It’s too soon to tell.” The dwarf shrugged. “But someone did offer help to track the one sonofabitch I couldn’t find on my own. So if you wanna stick around…”

  “Well, that’s essentially a requirement if she wants to clear that shitstain on her record,” Tommy said. When they all frowned at him, he shrugged. “You know. Figuratively.”

  “Uh-huh.” Johnny gestured toward the front door. “Time’s a-tickin’, Nelson. You’d better get a move on.”

  “Yeah, I get it.” The man paused to study Lisa briefly and gave her a stiff nod. “Good luck, I guess.”

  “You too, Tommy.”

  With a confused frown, the agent hurried toward the front door and poked his head out, looking for the hounds.

  “Surprise!” Rex barked and darted after him.

  Agent Nelson yelped, hurtled through the door, and skidded across the dirt as he looked back to make sure he wouldn’t get a bite out of the other ass cheek this time.

  Luther and Rex stopped at the screen door after it banged shut and bayed as the agent scurried into his car. “That’s right. You better run!”

  “Scatter, motherfucker!”

  Amanda smirked and folded her arms. “He deserves that, right?”

  Johnny grinned. “Probably.”

  “So you’re taking another case,” Lisa said. “Does this mean you’re officially out of retirement?”

  “It might.” He gave her a crooked smile. “I reckon I have a taste for the work. The company ain’t half bad, either.”

  “Oh, is that right?” She laughed and shook her head. “Well, I meant it when I said I’d help you, mark on my record or not. I have one question, though.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Who’s gonna watch Amanda while we’re out lookin’ for a gooey Oriceran…whatever it is?”

  “Ooh, ooh!” Luther spun away from the front door as a cloud of dust followed Agent Nelson’s quickly retreating SUV. “We’ll watch her, Johnny.”

  “Yeah.” Rex joined his brother in trotting toward the workshop. “Keep her safe. Keep her warm. I mean, we can’t feed her, but she can feed us in trade.”

  “Unless we take her out as a wolf.” Luther sat and let his tongue flop out of his mouth. “Then no one has to feed anyone. I mean, except for ourselves.”

  “Great plan! Come on, Johnny. You can count on us.”

  The dwarf looked up and met Amanda’s gaze. “You can take care of yourself, kid. Can’t you?”

  The girl’s grin lit up her entire face. “Duh.”

  “Johnny, I don’t think—”

  “You heard her, darlin’. It’s a duh deal.” With a smirk, he stepped around the woman and headed toward the kitchen. “I gotta set up a few things for while we’re gone, but that won’t take long. The place will be tighter than—”

  “Wait, wait. Shh.” Amanda lurched forward, her hands outstretched as she stared at the wall and listened. “Do you hear that?”

  The low howl of wolves was barely audible over the sound of the coonhounds panting in excitement.

  Johnny peered around the corner of the kitchen to see a fiery excitement light up in the girl’s eyes.

  “Johnny, those are other shifters.” She turned toward him and widened her eyes. “There are other shifters out here. In the middle of nowhere!”

  Shifters in the swamps. The one thing I didn’t consider.

  He stepped out of the kitchen and nodded at his hounds. “That may be a problem, boys.”

  “We got it, Johnny.”

  “We’re on it.”

  “We’ll keep her away from those shifty shifters.”

  The dwarf snapped his fingers and pointed at them. Both hounds sat. “The only thing I want you to do is keep ʼem off the property. That’s it.”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  “Keep ʼem away.”

  The dwarf nodded at Amanda, whose mind was somewhere far away from the small, tidy cabin at the edge of the Everglades. She’ll find her way to them eventually but I ain’t runnin’ a damn motel.

  Lisa frowned at the dogs, then looked slowly at Johnny. “They don’t understand what you’re telling them, do they?”

  He hurried to the kitchen counter again to retrieve his bottle of Johnny Walker Black. He lifted it to the light and shrugged. “I like to think we understand each other fine.”

  Johnny and the coonhound’s story isn’t over yet. Far from it. Continue the adventures in Don’t Give a Dwarf.

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  Author Notes - Martha Carr

  September 29, 2020

  This has been the year of staying connected from six feet away… or further and it’s happening on a global scale. Is this year over yet? Nope? Okay, then how can I affect my small corner of the world?

  That’s what it’s boiled down to for me. Go very, very local. For my birthday, the Offspring found out that right now it’s less than you think to rent out an entire movie theater. A bunch of my neighbors came together, with Louie and Jackie, to help me celebrate and watch Tenet. It was weird to be back in an actual theater, and super weird that all the movie posters were from March.

  But after the movie, we all stood outside wearing masks laughing together and pointing out that the women decided to wear eye makeup and dangly earrings to make it special. It was a lot of fun.

  And I’m currently awaiting a shipment from Amazon of wax lips and teeth with fangs to go with the other things I’ve been collecting so I can Boo those same neighbors. I LOVE wax lips and wanted to share that with them. If you’re not familiar with being Boo’ed – it’s leaving a small bag of treats in a Boo bag at your neighbor’s door. Of course, I’m including my five-year-old neighbor, Norah who is still amazed I live in this dream house by myself. She is full of questions that I adore, along with her and I picture her taking over some part of her world some day and killing it.

  And I have a couple packs of uplifting postcards that I’m sending out to friends and the Offspring. It’s small stuff that won’t change someone’s life in a big way, but plants seeds in a very real and nourishing way. I’ve learned that those small things actually add up over time in very powerful ways. Maybe even more than grand gestures or fabulous trips, it’s the small things we can still do for each other that add up to a happy life.

  I suppose that’s what I’ve really learned this year after having my life stripped down to the studs. What really matters I can still do. I can show up for those people I care about and let them know – and I can include myself on that list.

  It leaves me wondering what life will be like once we can all mingle again safely, and I am filled with optimism about all of it. More adventures to follow.

  Author Notes - Michael

  September 30, 2020

  First, thank you for not only reading through our story, but through to the author notes here in the back!

  I now live in Henderson, Nevada. I’m close enough to the Las
Vegas strip that I can leave my front door and be inside the Aria in 25 minutes.

  Might as well say I’m in Las Vegas and save the explanation.

  Either way, Henderson is a few hundred feet higher in elevation than the strip and it is noticeably a bit cooler where I live now, compared to my condo (Cave in the Sky™) where I baked in the sun all year long. Mainly because of the mirrored windows reflected all of that heat right into a bowl of heat retaining concrete.

  Arguably one of the best heat absorption and retention devices outside of one of those mirror power-generation plants on the border of California and Nevada.

  But, I digress.

  The ‘Covid’ (those of us in-the-know just drop the ‘19’, as if any of the previous 18 Covids compare anymore) pushed me in strange directions.

  Although ‘out of my freaking mind’ was certainly one of them.

  As Martha mentioned, coming to grips with what I could do was a stressful situation for me. After I got past the feeling I needed to save the world (You can’t Michael, and why would you even think it would be on your shoulders?) I realized the best I could do was make sure the company was as strong as possible and help locally.

  Even helping locally was challenging when the restaurant we supported by purchasing a ton of gift cards to hand out to those on the streets closed. We were stuck with a lot of unusable gift cards.

  Lesson learned.

  The notes I read on the reviews where the stories help get the reviewer past hard times are especially kind.

  I love knowing I provided, in my own little way, a few hours of enjoyment. When I am part of something that accomplishes carrying a person through a difficult time it is special and then a bit more.

  I always wondered if, at the end of my life, I would look back and think to myself ‘good job, Anderle. You helped a few people out. You can rest knowing you helped others in good ways.’

  For those who let us authors know we touched you in reviews, telling us on social media or whatever my sincere appreciation.

  Your comments will stay with us until the end of our lives and then, it will bring smiles to our faces as we head into the next story ourselves.