Archer of the Lake
Page 36
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Caelfel wasn't sure how long they had stayed in the desert palace but she found herself wandering its halls. ?Certainly they had not been there long and certainly they would leave soon. ?She didn't like being there.
She avoided everyone, including her own mother who she was told was fearsome in battle, wielding her powerful aura to bring down the walls of the fortress. ?Caelfel could easily imagine it, but she still avoided everyone, looking for only one person.
And eventually, she found him, standing in the open archways that overlooked the west.
"Is the coast that way?" she asked. ?
Feraan did not turn but he smiled when she approached him. ?"Yes it is."
"Will you take me to it?"
This time he looked at his feet. ?"You've only just recovered."
Caelfel scraped the toe of her boot back and forth on the floor impatiently. ?"Then does that mean I can ask you my question now?"
"I wasn't sure if you would remember it."
"Of course I do. ?It's all I can think about."
"By all means, then, say what is on your mind."
"Were you lying?"
"You will have to be more specific, Hen," he said. ?Something in her stomach twitched joyously at the nickname, but she stifled it.
"Our last conversation in Sal'Sumarathar. ?You said you didn't want me. ?Were you lying?" she asked. ?He finally turned to look at her, and Caelfel saw from his face that she knew she would not like the answer.
"I said those things in Sal'Sumarathar to try to prevent this from happening." ?He waved his arms around, gesturing to the palace. ?"If I'm going to be honest, what I said then could not be further from the truth. ?That's why nothing changed, and it all still happened. ?And Caelfel, I am sorry for it."
"But?" she prompted, sensing there was more. ?"You knew Grimault and Lisiek were after me. ?That was what Macha told you."
"I tried preventing it-"
"No, you abandoned me and left me completely unprepared for something you knew was inevitable." ?Caelfel was surprised at the accusing conviction in her voice. ?It made Feraan scowl.
"I suppose you are right, but know that it was not my intention."
"Then what was your intention when you said those things to me on your doorstep?"
"I was trying to force myself to not care about you, so Grimault would not have a face to look for when he asked the Blind Seer who I loved."
"So you do love me?"
He looked away. ?"It is not enough."
"Is it enough that I love you, then?"
"You don't understand-"
"I will never understand if you insist on hiding everything from me. ?You have to make a decision to trust me just as I trust you."
"That's not the decision I have to make. ?I have to decide to commit myself, to accept you is to accept always putting you in danger and to accept constant responsibility for you. ?I have found that I cannot make that decision."
"Then I assume I am not worth the responsibility." ?Even though she had accepted the same responsibility for saving him in the forest. ?Something stuck in her throat and her eyes pricked. ?She had to look away this time, blinking back tears. ?"I wonder who will be worth it to you," she mumbled miserably.
She turned to leave when he gently pulled her back by the hand. ?Then Feraan held her face and kissed her. ?"Only you. ?Always you."
Then the kiss was over, and he gave her a sad, apologetic smile. ?Caelfel watched the smile, and though she did not want to, she felt as though she understood him.
Feraan was not ready.
But given some time, he may yet be.
She parted from him with this understanding and returned to the makeshift infirmary where she had stayed since the elves invaded the palace. ?There was a sound of screaming from within, and Caelfel paused to listen to an argument that was largely one-sided before she made her entrance.
"I do not understand!" came Garvanna's devastated shriek. ?Then brokenly, "I love you."
"I don't know what to tell you, Anna. ?I do not love you this way. ?I want Caelfel. ?I prefer her over you," was Thoroth's agitated response.
"She does not prefer you, though."
"She will. ?Feraan will not love her, and then Caelfel will see what I can offer her-"
"You're wrong," Caelfel said, stepping into the room. ?Garvanna's face was red and tearstained. ?Caelfel continued, "Perhaps there was a time when I liked you, but I cannot love you. ?I don't love you, at least not in the way you want me to." ?Caelfel walked further into the room and she saw how her words finally hit Thoroth. ?He looked as though he were breaking too.
"Caelfel-"
"No, Thoroth. ?I know I cannot make you love Garvanna, just as I cannot be forced to love you. ?But do not break her heart to wait for mine."
Thoroth had no response, so Caelfel turned to Garvanna.
"I want you to come with me."
"What?"
"I want to leave this fortress, but more than that, I want to leave Honey Water. ?I want to see the world, to meet its people and fight in their battles. ?There is nothing, really, for me in Sal'Sumarathar, and I suspect the same goes for you. ?I want you to accompany me, please. ?I know you've already mastered magic, and since I cannot perform magic, I would appreciate having a friend who can."
Garvanna's answer came slowly but when she spoke, her answer was confident and without hesitation. ?Caelfel offered a hand to her. ?Garvanna took it just as Thoroth left the room.
"Where would we go?" Garvanna asked.
Caelfel smiled. ?"To the coast."