Wrecked (Dirty Air Series Book 3)

by Lauren Asher

  Positive.

  42

  Elena

  I look for Liam’s number in my phone and give him a call. “Hey, is Jax with you?”

  “No. I’m hanging with Sophie. I thought he was with you?”

  I frown, double-checking the rooms of our suite again. Ever since London, we started sharing a room. His Docs are thrown in a corner beside my favorite pair of heels, and my makeup is lined up on the bathroom counter next to his razor. It’s domestic and unlike anything I would’ve imagined.

  My search comes up empty. “No. He hasn’t answered my calls. Earlier, he texted me, saying he was spending time with you today.”

  “He’ll turn up. Maybe he went out with some friends after practice rounds. Give Noah a call because maybe he’s heard from him.”

  “Okay. Thanks.” I hang up and have a similar conversation with Noah after I interrupted his early dinner with Maya and Santi. I text everyone who hangs out with Jax, including Connor, but no one has any idea where he is.

  I send another text asking Jax to call me. My gut tells me something isn’t right, but I can’t figure out why. Instead of worrying myself sick, I take a long bubble bath, hoping a bath bomb can calm me down.

  My phone beeps while I’m in the tub. I rush out, dripping water everywhere as I grab a towel and wrap it around my body.

  Jax’s name lights up my screen and I answer. “Hey, where have you been? I’ve been worried and thought something happened.” I let out a sigh of relief.

  “My bad. My parents flew in as a surprise and I’ve been with them all day. I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner.” His voice sounds strained and out of the ordinary.

  “Oh.” Disappointment fills me at the lack of an invite.

  “Yeah. They’re staying at one of my dad’s rentals, so I decided to spend the night with them. Will you be good by yourself tonight?”

  Giddiness consumes me at his concern. “I’ve slept alone for twenty-five years. I think I can survive one night without my personal bodyguard. Plus, I always have my super cool, totally adult nightlights someone got me.”

  He doesn’t laugh, replacing my happiness with worry. “I want to make sure you’ll be okay. If I’m not there…” His voice trails off.

  “It’s one night so no big deal. You can make it up to me with extra cuddles tomorrow.”

  “Right.”

  A gnawing sensation inside of me tells me something is wrong, but Jax doesn’t seem open to sharing right now. I don’t want to be an annoying girlfriend or anything when we’re new. “I guess I’ll meet you at the track tomorrow if you’re staying with your parents tonight.”

  “Sure.” He lets out a resigned sigh.

  “Is everything okay?”

  He doesn’t respond right away. “Not really. But it will be eventually.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No.” Jax pauses. “I’m sorry.” He doesn’t say anything else.

  “I’ll let you go then so you can spend time with your parents.” I hide the hurt in my voice at his distance.

  “Take care.” Jax hangs up, not giving me a chance to ask what he means.

  After watching an episode on TV and turning on my nightlights, I shut my eyes, drifting into unconsciousness.

  43

  Jax

  Mum begs me not to leave the apartment. Even Dad asks me to stay and talk to them—to not ruin everything good that has happened to me this season. I don’t listen to their pleas. I’m committed to fucking myself over in the worst way possible to save the best thing in my life.

  Earlier, it took everything in me to lie to Elena and not confess the disastrous news I found out. To ask her to love me anyway, disease and all. But I can’t do that to her.

  After everything with her grandma, I refuse to be another burden in her life. I can’t drag her down with me, hoping she’ll be okay with never having children of her own. I definitely can’t ask her to choose a relationship with someone who will wither away like a starved plant as he grows older. Bloody hell, I won’t fuck like I used to, let alone worship her like she deserves.

  Every painful decision I make tonight is for her.

  The fake partying in Milan’s most exclusive club.

  The angry outburst I have, resulting in flipping a table and breaking bottles everywhere.

  The bouncers escorting me out of the club and throwing me on my arse outside.

  The paparazzi called by yours truly to be there at the same time, filming my demise. My fake drunkenness will be plastered across every social media platform by tomorrow morning.

  I allow the rage to consume me as I mourn the life I wanted. I’m sober for every damn second of my downfall, wanting to remember the pain. I deserve it, knowing exactly how much it will hurt Elena when she wakes up to realize I betrayed her in the worst way.

  She might not believe I love her after everything I did, but I feel it seeping out from every nerve in my body. Love isn’t about the mushy feelings someone gives you. Screw the butterflies and shit. Fuck movies promoting unrealistic endings where the guy gets the girl, no matter the drama and obstacles in their way.

  Love is dangerous and lethal. It’s about sacrifices and a willingness to protect the people you care for at all costs. Elena may not see it that way, but I want to save her.

  Elena’s nightmares have nothing on the one I’ll become one day. To save her, I fuck my relationship to hell, with me along with it.

  44

  Elena

  I wake up to my phone falling off my nightstand after vibrating over and over again. Forcing myself out of bed, I bend over to grab it, hoping whoever is calling me at 5 a.m. has a good reason.

  I have four missed calls from Connor, eight texts from Elías, and multiple Twitter notifications. Before I have a chance to check, my phone rings again, flashing with Connor’s name. I answer without a second thought.

  “Hey, Connor. I just woke up and saw you called me?”

  “Where the fuck were you last night?” Connor’s irritable voice hits me like a shot of caffeine.

  My heart rate escalates. “Sleeping in my hotel room?”

  “Why weren’t you watching Jax?” he snaps.

  “Jax? He’s with his parents.”

  “Check your messages.”

  I put Connor on speaker so I can open the texts he sent me. Each message gets progressively worse, from Jax partying with a group of strangers to him flipping out and going on a rampage. I battle to get oxygen in my lungs.

  “Why would he do this?” The words come out in a wheeze.

  “I don’t know, but you have to understand why I need to hire someone else to finish this job. I need someone who is objective about the situation. It was a mistake, thinking you could work together after you both started developing feelings. I’ll own up to that.”

  “Wait. Please don’t tell me you’re firing me?”

  “It’s nothing personal. You know I think you’re exceptional at your job, but Jax...you’re too emotionally invested and I need someone to fix this ASAP.”

  “Let me be the one to fix this. Please.” I hate begging. It goes against everything in me, but I’m willing to do it for Jax and Abuela.

  Connor sighs. “I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “But…” My strained voice makes me cringe.

  “I truly am sorry to terminate your contract early. I absolutely hate to do this, especially since I’ve enjoyed having you around.”

  “I understand.” Which makes this whole experience all the more painful. I failed. Plain and simple. I failed so horribly that I hope my career can recover from this. “Thank you for the opportunity. I’m the one who is sorry about what happened.”

  “Elena, please don’t let this termination or Jax knock down your confidence. You truly are incredible at your job.”

  Who cares about being incredible when I won’t have enough money to help Abuela long-term?

  “Thank you,” I manage to say.
>
  “Please don’t hesitate to ask me for any recommendation letter or referral. While Jax didn’t work out, I’m sure there are others who will be a better fit for your kind of services.”

  “I appreciate that.” The fallout of Jax’s decision wreaks havoc on my emotions; my body shakes as I attempt to keep myself put together on the phone.

  “I’ll have the company send over your last payment. Feel free to reach out if you need anything.”

  A shaky breath slips past my lips as I consider the loss of my bonus. “Goodbye. Thank you for everything, Connor. I’m sorry I let you down.”

  “Take care, Elena. Bye.”

  The click of the phone adds to the emptiness in my chest. Everything spins around me. I lay back on the bed and close my eyes, willing the tears to go away. The darkness I’m all too familiar with begs to take over. I try to fight it back the best I can, but the betrayal makes the sadness wrap around my broken heart.

  Jax ruined more than my trust in him. It took him one reckless decision to throw away my chance at providing Abuela with the best care. I press my face into a pillow to muffle my cries. The one person I let into my life more than anyone else ruined it in a matter of twenty-four hours.

  I cry for my grandma and my now tainted work reputation. My tears of sadness become those of frustration as I blame myself for growing close to someone like Jax. He warned me nothing good could come from us getting together and he was right.

  I thought I was Jax’s salvation, but it turns out he was my damnation.

  Nothing good could come from him. No matter what I do, I can’t save someone intent on drowning themselves in alcohol, self-loathing, and self-pity. Especially not when he’s desperate to push everyone away at the expense of his own depression and anxiety. And most importantly, I don’t want to.

  I deserve better than that. Fuck. I deserve better than him.

  I spend the next hour packing my luggage to pass time. Jax needs to come back eventually to grab his racing bag before his practice rounds, and I need something to occupy my mind. If not, I’ll end up crying, and I don’t want to let the dark thoughts win today.

  By 7 a.m., Jax strolls into the hotel room like he owns the goddamn place. His eyes slide from my luggage by the door to meet my gaze.

  “Why?” I scowl at his red-rimmed eyes, hating how it reminds me of how much alcohol he drank last night.

  His indifferent gaze makes my heart ache. “I wanted to have fun.”

  “Why lie? Why not ask me to go with you?” Why smash my heart with an emotional sledgehammer?

  “Because I didn’t want you there, obviously. I wasn’t in the mood for your disappointment and judgment.”

  “Did something happen with your mom? Is that why they came to Italy? If so, it’s okay if you made a mistake in the heat of the moment. I’d understand.” It would be hard, but I’m willing to forgive him because I care.

  “No. Not at all. I’ve got a lot of shit going on and I needed a night without you. I wanted a night of sleep without you waking up and screaming.”

  My mangled heart shreds a bit more at his words. “That’s how you feel about us? A couple of months ago, you were all about wanting to be different. People don’t change that fast. What happened?” My voice croaks.

  “I don’t want to be around you anymore. Things are changing too fast, and I can’t keep up with you and the demands of the season. I’m sorry for how things are ending between us.”

  “I don’t want your apologies. I want to be with someone stronger than the fear holding them back.” I somehow hold back the hurt in my voice, shielding my pain behind a wall of ice.

  “That’s rich coming from the person who is afraid of the fucking dark.”

  I suck in a sharp breath, failing to ease the burning in my chest and eyes. “This isn’t you.”

  He turns his head away from me. “I get that I’m too fucked up to handle someone as equally fucked up. Everything happening right now in my life proves how I can’t be that kind of hero for you. And I don’t need to date someone plagued with nightmares and bad memories, or who ruins my birthday because they can’t even handle watching a movie meant for teenagers. I might be a mess, but you’re the same. You only hide it better. Go home and fix yourself. Heal. Find someone who is better for you than me.” His voice cracks.

  A single tear escapes my eye and trails down my cheek. “I didn’t know you felt that way about me.”

  His chest shakes, revealing his pent-up irritation. “I realized yesterday after everything with my mum, I need someone who can support me, rather than me support them. Life’s too short to spend it with the wrong kind of person.”

  The ragged breath I let out hurts so damn much. “The only person who is wrong here is you. Enjoy your life, Jax. I hope it’s a long one so you can stew in your resentment and self-loathing. Thanks for fucking over my job, and thanks for smashing my heart into nothing to match yours.” I grab onto my luggage and pass him without a backward glance. “And I might be afraid of the dark, but maybe it’s for a good reason seeing as there’s monsters like you out there.” I walk away with my chin held high despite my heart cracking.

  I spend the entire journey toward a cab chanting to myself that I can make it. How I can keep my emotions neutral until I’m out of eyesight. The moment I enter the car, a sob tears through my throat. I shut my phone off and give in to the sadness and betrayal, allowing myself this one moment of weakness.

  I promise myself when I get home, I won’t cry anymore. Not for my career. Not for my past. And most definitely not for people who don’t appreciate the good in their life.

  I’m done saving people at the expense of myself. I’m done holding on to a past of hurt, hoping it gets better without putting in the work. And most of all, I’m done with Jax Kingston, and nothing anyone can say or do will convince me otherwise.

  45

  Jax

  “I hope you’re fucking happy, you piece of shit.” Elías shoves me.

  Sweat runs down my face after an intense practice session. My parents thought it would be a good idea to skip the rest of the race weekend, but I couldn’t do that to my team. Plus, missing would set off too many of Elena’s alarms. I couldn’t give a shit about winning the Championship anymore, not when I lost so much already. Even being a few points behind Noah is lackluster. How could I be happy about possibly winning a Championship in a couple of months when I have nothing to look forward to afterwards?

  Somehow, Elías kept his anger at bay for a few hours while we finished interviews and practiced around the track. It was no secret he resented me for what I did to Elena this morning, but he kept it professional in front of reporters and the crew. My moment of peace comes to an end as he stares at me with his nostrils flaring and his eyes wild and out for my blood.

  Elías pushes me again, causing mechanics to stare at us.

  I snap. “Keep your hands to yourself before I show you how nice mine feel when they rearrange your face.”

  Elías snarls. “You’re the worst teammate. The worst boyfriend. Just the absolute fucking worst.”

  “Do you plan on sharing some new information with me?” I pocket my hands to hide their trembling.

  “I shouldn’t have told her to try anything with you. You ruined everything. Now her grandma has to move to a new facility after getting used to her new home. All because you’re an asshole who couldn’t keep your cool for one year. One fucking year! Elena and I grew up with barely anything, and you’re here ruining her job because you want to. I’m going to make it my personal mission to make your life miserable here. I promise you.”

  My body stiffens. “What do you mean her gran will have to move homes?”

  Elías’s fists tighten. “Your contract was based on a monthly pay. Now that the season is cut short for her, she can’t afford that new place. And Elena doesn’t accept shit from people without her working for it, so she’ll never take my money if I offer to pay for her abuela’s stay. Trust me, I’ve tried. Y
our little stunt not only made it hard for others to hire her but now she doesn’t get the bonus she was relying on to pay off her bills. So, fuck you, Kingston. I hope getting drunk was worth ruining your reputation and hers.” Elías flips me off and leaves the garage.

  Shit. I didn’t think through the issue about Elena’s contract. How could I when I was battling my own news.

  Fuck. Motherfucking shit. This is why I overanalyze decisions. Irrational ones like the one I did lead to shit like this. I ignore the anxiety creeping into my brain because I don’t have the luxury of freaking out right now. Elena needs my help whether she wants it or not. It’s the least I can do.

  I hurry to Connor’s office and barge in without knocking.

  “It was only a matter of time before I saw you again. Come back for more berating? I’m surprised this morning’s lecture wasn’t painful enough for you.”

  Trust me, his lecture was the least painful thing of my entire week.

  “I’m not here for me. I need to talk to you about Elena.”

  Connor shakes his head. “Why do you care? You’re the one who didn’t want her around.”

  I sit in the empty chair across from his desk. “I don’t want her around but that doesn’t mean I think she shouldn’t be paid for all the harm I’ve caused. I’ll cover the rest of Elena’s contract, so don’t withhold her pay because of my mistake. Consider it hazard pay.”

  “I should say no so you learn your lesson and live with the consequences of your actions.”

  My hope takes a skydive. “Punish me however you want. I don’t give a shit as long as she gets the money she always planned on receiving.” My voice hints at the desperation I feel.

  Connor sits back in his chair and stares at me. “Tell me why you did it and I’ll see if I feel up to your demand.”

  “No.”