What Happens in France

by What Happens in France (retail) (epub)

  He soon stood up and smiled a warm smile at Laura before turning slightly to address the room. ‘I’m Lewis, originally from London but I migrated to the Midlands area because of its famous Balti triangle.’ He paused and rubbed his stomach. ‘I’m addicted to hot curries. I’m also a petrol-head who is into antiques, so I enjoy hanging out at classic car auctions and car showrooms until they boot me out for wasting their time and for drooling over all the cars. If I won any money I’d actually love to buy a vineyard in France and a classic Citroën 2CV although if I only won a little amount, a bottle of French plonk from the supermarket and a die cast model car would do too.’

  The purple-haired girl grinned at him and gave him the thumbs up. ‘I enjoy a decent curry too,’ she whispered to Bryony. ‘I think that bloke will go through. He’s got charisma. I wonder if he has a girlfriend.’

  Bryony shrugged in a non-committal way. Lewis certainly had what it took to charm people – exuberance and an easy manner.

  Laura came forward once more. ‘So, that’s the introductions over. Thank you, everyone. Next, we need you to do a timed general knowledge quiz. You’ll find a list of questions under your seats. Please pick them up but don’t turn them over until I tell you. You’ll have two minutes to answer all twenty.’

  ‘At last,’ muttered Daphne, wriggling about on her seat, unable to reach her paper thanks to her constraining underwear.

  Bryony bent forward and passed it to her before picking up her own. Daphne took it without thanks, turning it over immediately and reading the questions, lips moving silently, brow furrowed with concentration.

  ‘Jackson, are you ready with the timer?’

  ‘All ready,’ he replied. ‘You may turn your papers over and begin now.’

  Bryony glanced at the first few questions and suppressed a smile. These were easy. She started scribbling then remembered Lewis’s words. But what if he was wrong? She needed to get on this show. She read, ‘What was Barbados named after?’ She wanted to answer it was named after the many bearded fig trees on the island but instead she wrote, ‘The shape of the island – like a beard,’ and moved on to the next question. She hoped she was right to place her trust in Lewis. Much was riding on this. More than several pairs of expensive shoes.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  MONDAY, 10 JULY – LATE MORNING

  Papers collected, Daphne sat upright in her seat. ‘That wasn’t too bad,’ she crowed. ‘I’m so pleased I knew that Maddy Hill plays Nancy Carter in EastEnders. I’ve never even seen the show. It goes to prove what a little swatting up can do,’ she announced to anyone who was within earshot.

  Bryony had spent too much time writing incorrect answers for the most difficult questions so she did not appear to be a quiz boffin. She was not sure now if she had performed strongly enough to even come across as average. The last thing she wanted was a post-mortem on their performances. She gritted her teeth and made what she hoped were the right noises of encouragement.

  Laura took over and announced they would be filmed while playing a quiz game. ‘It’s time for some fun. This is only a bit of nonsense so we can see how you perform under pressure and how you interact with your fellow contestants. Don’t take it too seriously. Come on, guys. Get that energy flowing. Let’s give a little cheer.’

  The hopefuls cheered. Oscar whooped extra loudly.

  ‘That’s better. Right, let’s start with Oscar, Jim and Debbie. Come on up and stand in front of the camera. Jackson is going to transform into our genial host for this game.’

  Jackson bowed, coughed and in a deep, theatrical voice said, ‘Hello and welcome to the most popular quiz show on television – Contestant Panic!’

  The contestants chuckled at the name. Oscar bounced from foot to foot as if limbering up for a dance.

  ‘Let’s explain the rules. You each have three questions to answer.’

  The people in the room were glued to Jackson. Laura turned the camera around so she could film the reactions from each of them.

  ‘Every correct response wins your team a thousand pounds. If you don’t know an answer or get the question wrong, your teammates will have only ten seconds to come up with the correct answer. For every second your team takes to respond, one hundred pounds will be wiped off that one thousand pounds.’ He stopped to check everyone understood. He was met with nods. ‘Helena has a stopwatch.’ Helena waved her mobile phone with countdown application at the ready.

  ‘If your team guesses the answer correctly, the money that remains will be added to the total fund. If your teammates get the answer wrong or fail to respond within the ten seconds, you will hear a man with a deep voice shout, “Counted out,” and you will be eliminated along with the thousand pounds. You must answer all your questions to be “counted in” and be part of the final team. Do you all understand?’

  The trio nodded enthusiastically again but to make double sure, Jackson ran through it one more time. An air of tension and excitement filled the room as everyone fell silent, waiting for the mock quiz show to begin. Laura spoke up. ‘Oscar, if you could move a few inches to your left so the camera can pick up all of your expressions. That’s lovely.’

  Oscar crossed his hands in front of his torso and his face took on the serene look of a man used to performing in front of others.

  ‘Okay, here we go. Oscar, what did Christopher Cockerill invent in 1955? Was it the telephone, the hovercraft or the bagpipes?’

  ‘Oh my goodness! That’s tough. He sounds Scottish so it could be the bagpipes. Maybe that’s too obvious. Was it the telephone?’ asked Oscar.

  ‘You’re saying Christopher Cockerill invented the telephone?’

  ‘No. Yes. No. Yes, I am. I hope my team know the answer if I’m wrong,’ said Oscar, flapping his hands in panic.

  ‘I’m sorry. You are wrong.’

  Helena held up her mobile and shouted, ‘Ten… nine…’

  ‘Hurry up, team. You need to help him,’ Jackson urged.

  ‘Eight… seven…’

  Jim tugged at his moustache. ‘Hovercraft. I’m confident it was the hovercraft.’ Debbie gave a helpless shrug of her shoulders.

  ‘Six… five…’

  Jim called out, ‘Hovercraft.’

  ‘Hovercraft is the correct answer. You had four seconds remaining on the stopwatch so you have added four hundred pounds to your fund. Well done. Oscar, here’s your second question. Who composed Peer Gynt? Was it Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Frédéric François Chopin or Edvard Hagerup Grieg?’

  Oscar smiled. ‘Easy. Edvard Grieg.’

  ‘Correct. Bravo. You now have one thousand and four hundred pounds in your final pot.’

  Oscar performed a perfect pirouette on the spot.

  ‘Your third and final question: which fruit is a cross between a tangerine and a grapefruit? Is it tangergrape, tangerfruit or tangelo?’

  Oscar looked puzzled. ‘Tangerfruit.’

  ‘No. You’re wrong. Team? Have you any idea?’

  Debbie mumbled, ‘I’ve not got a clue.’

  ‘Ten… nine…’ called Helena.

  ‘I’m sure I’ve seen one in the supermarket. I think it’s also called an ugli fruit. It’s a tangelo,’ declared Jim.

  ‘Correct. You had eight seconds remaining so you added eight hundred pounds to your fund making a total of two thousand, two hundred pounds. Oscar, you are through to the final round. Up next, it’s Debbie.’

  Debbie tossed her hair back from her face and glided forward to face Jackson. Behind her, Oscar jigged up and down. Debbie adopted a sexy pout and stared at Jackson.

  ‘Debbie, here’s your first question. Which planet is nearest the sun? Is it Mercury, Jupiter or Venus?’

  Debbie’s face went blank for a second then she said, ‘Oh, I learnt these at school. There’s a way to remember them – my very easy mother just sat on uncle Ned – m is for Mercury.’ The room exploded into guffaws.

  Jackson struggled to maintain a serious a face. ‘That’s the first time I’ve hea
rd that particular mnemonic. However, it has earned you one thousand pounds.’

  Daphne leant into Bryony and muttered, ‘I teach my pupils the mnemonic “my very easy method just SUN”. Simple really. Any idiot should know that. These questions aren’t very difficult.’

  Debbie’s face glowed. She re-adopted her pout.

  ‘Question two. The patella is commonly known as what? Is it the elbow? Is it the shoulder blade? Or is it the kneecap?’

  Debbie’s face broke into a smile. ‘My husband injured his playing football and had to have an operation on it. It’s the kneecap.’

  ‘Correct. You have added another thousand pounds to the fund. Here’s your final question. You’re doing great, Debbie. You haven’t needed your team to help out yet. Okay, originating in Mexican culture, where on the body would a huarache be worn? Is it on the foot, on the head or on the arm?’

  Debbie’s lips quivered as she tried to pout and think.

  ‘The head,’ she replied at last.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Ten,’ called Helena as the digits on her phone counted down.

  ‘I’ve never heard of it,’ muttered Oscar to Jim.

  ‘Me neither. I’m stumped for an answer. We’ll have to guess.’

  ‘Three … two …’

  ‘Arm!’ yelled Oscar.

  Jackson held the card containing the question at arm’s length. His face displayed no emotion. Debbie bit her lip.

  Daphne shook her head. ‘Wrong,’ she whispered.

  ‘Debbie, I’m very sorry but you have been counted out. The answer I was looking for was foot. Huaraches are woven leather sandals’

  Jim’s face was a picture of woe. ‘Oh no. Sorry, my dear.’

  ‘Debbie, I’m sorry. You added two thousand pounds to the fund, making a total of four thousand, two hundred pounds for your team but you have to stand down. Sadly, you have not been counted in.’

  Debbie returned to her seat, disappointment etched on her face.

  Jackson resumed his role. ‘Up now, it’s Jim.’

  Jim stood erect, chest out, arms by his side as if in readiness to salute Jackson. His moustache looked like it had been starched into place.

  ‘Question one. Which mammal is responsible for the pollination for the most bananas in the world? Is it a tapir, a monkey or a bat?’

  Jim was motionless for several seconds. Oscar looked perplexed and shrugged his shoulders at those watching.

  At last Jim said, ‘I can only think it must be a mammal that flies if it pollinates the flowers on a banana plant, therefore, it must be a bat.’

  ‘You are absolutely correct. Way to go, Jim.’

  Several people applauded. Oscar bounced up and down and gave a cheer.

  ‘Question two. What was Walt Disney originally going to call Mickey Mouse? Was it Willie? Was it Jerry? Or was it Mortimer.’

  ‘I know this. I watch a lot of cartoons with the grandchildren. Some people think it was Willie because the first cartoon to star Mickey Mouse was called Steamboat Willie but that’s not the case. Walt Disney wanted to call him Mortimer Mouse but his wife asked him to change it to Mickey. And I believe the name Mickey was actually taken from Mickey Rooney.’

  ‘What a terrific answer, Jim. You are spot on. You have added another one thousand pounds to your team’s total. Now, here’s your third and final question: Nosocomephobia is the fear of what? Is it shadows, night-time or hospitals?’

  Jim’s moustache twitched as he fought the smile threatening to spread across his face

  He spoke with authority. ‘It’s a common fear. President Richard Nixon suffered from it. Nosokomein is the Greek word for hospital. It’s the extreme fear of hospitals.’

  ‘You are… correct!’ shouted Jackson, waving his card with gusto and encouraging the observers in the room to applaud. ‘You have fantastic general knowledge. You have also added three thousand pounds to your pot making a grand total of seven thousand, two hundred pounds to play for in the final round. Congratulations.’

  Oscar bounced on his toes, leapt in the air then did the splits on the floor, causing everyone in the room to applaud once more. He brought himself back up to a standing position and shook Jim’s hand formally, and they both returned to their seats.

  ‘Jim was quite knowledgeable,’ muttered Bryony’s neighbour. ‘I knew the answers too though.’

  Bryony considered the advice she had been given. Surely Jim would be the perfect candidate for the show. Lewis couldn’t be right about them choosing people who did not shine intellectually. It was a quiz show, after all. She didn’t have too long to deliberate; Jackson asked for the following three team members and she’d been put in the same team as Tonya, the girl with purple hair, and Lewis. She stood and took her place in front of the camera and Jackson. It was now or never.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  MONDAY, 10 JULY – NIGHT

  Outside Bryony’s apartment block, a hefty marmalade cat squabbled with an equally well-built black one. The music that had been pumping through the ceiling all evening had ceased and the young couple living above her had turned in for the night. All was quiet apart from some soft murmurings coming from a television set somewhere else in the block and the hissing duo currently engaged in conflict on the fence that ran along the front of the apartment block. Propped up in bed, laptop on her knee, Bryony continued to type. Her hip ached, the pain dulled slightly by the adrenaline of the day. Disregarding the throb, she read through her latest post on Searching for Hannah.

  Dearest Hannah,

  How I wish you’d been with me today – you’d have loved the audition for a new quiz show What Happens in... It was one of our dreams, wasn’t it? To be on a game show like Blockbusters or Crackerjack where we would have been giddy with excitement at winning a pencil. Sometimes, you made up little quizzes for me and we played our own version of a television show. You’d pretend to be the hostess and put on a funny voice: ‘Next up, we have Miss Bryony Masters from Derby. Bryony, to win a carrot: what is the name of Winnie the Pooh’s tiny friend?’ I would giggle and squirm and try to guess the answer. If I got it correct you gave me a sweet or a new colouring pencil. How I loved those games! I can still feel the frisson of excitement as the old television set came to life and we heard, ‘It's Friday, it's five to five it’s… Crackerjack!’ Your enthusiasm was infectious and I shared in it even though I was too young to respond to the questions on the show. But you, you always knew the answers, and how we laughed when the celebrities got covered in gunge for guessing incorrectly. I can still hear you yelling answers and giggling at Stu Francis saying his catchphrase, ‘I could crush a grape!’ You taught me so much and made me want to learn more. I wanted to be exactly like you – top of the class, A-grade reports, a top scholar. The teachers already had you earmarked for Oxford or Cambridge University even though you hadn’t sat your GCSEs. You really were my heroine. You’d have been amazing today. I have a decent amount of general knowledge but you’d have stolen the limelight. You always were the shining, outgoing one. So, to recap, I summoned up the courage to apply to be a contestant for What Happens in… and was invited to audition for it. We were twenty potential contestants crammed into one room. We were all a little stuffy and reserved when we first arrived but as the morning wore on we regressed and ended up behaving like schoolchildren. We completed written quizzes, and had such a laugh, participating in a crazy made up television show that would have had you in stitches. Funny, you think games are only for children but adults come alive when they play them too. I was on a team with Lewis, who I’ve written about before – the gay guy I met through Melinda – yes, it was a shock to find him at the same audition. Lewis looked very suave. He wore dark brown trousers paired with a stylish, dark brown and copper striped jumper. For the first time, I noticed his hair is not as dark as I first thought. When the light catches it, it reflects streaks of copper and auburn. He has one of those smiles that knocks you off-guard. It certainly worked on Tonya, a Brummie girl who fell in
love with him as soon as she saw him. When he announced he liked eating curries, I thought she was going to rush over, drop down on one knee and propose to him. She stood out with her vibrant purple hair and matching contact lenses. Apparently, she has lenses and wigs in a variety of colours. I was glad she didn’t wear her shocking pink ones. I think that might have scared the life out of a few of the more elderly contestants. I didn’t chat to Lewis for long as he spent most of the time with an American ballet dancer called Oscar who was sweet and engaging. He has a tiny, black, pug dog that has a huge fan base on social media. Oscar was so excited he pirouetted every time he got an answer correct. At one point, it looked like he might leap into Jackson’s arms. We were asked quite a variety of questions. Lewis played it very cool. He claimed he didn’t know that France's third-biggest city was Lyon. After the audition, he told me he had visited Lyon several times and was well aware it was the third-biggest city but he decided it would look better if he played dumb, relying on his teammates to come up with the answer. It gave him the chance to rush over and high-five us. I told him he had taken a bit of a chance. If we hadn’t known, he’d have been out of the game. He gazed at me for a moment, his cognac-brown eyes searching mine, before replying, ‘I had faith in you. You’re a very clever lady.’ Purple-haired Tonya was bonkers. She got all her answers wrong although I don’t think it was on purpose. She spent most of the time pulling faces whenever we were asked a question. Afterwards, she confessed that she was only at the audition because one of her friends had dared her to apply for it. The audition attracted a variety of people. I suppose that’s because there’s been so much publicity surrounding it on television. The adverts to apply for What Happens in… have captured a lot of interest. It’s odd given none of us actually know what format the show will take. It’s all very secretive. I sat next to a woman, Daphne, who told me Anneka Rice is going to present the show when it airs, which would be amazing because I know how much you used to love her show Treasure Hunt. When it was Daphne’s turn to go in front of the camera, she froze. She couldn’t answer a single question. Her mouth flapped open and shut, in spite of prompting and help from Jackson. She left immediately after her performance. I felt sorry for her. It’s awful when your confidence deserts you like that. I should know. I’ve had more than my fair share of such moments. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I’m now waiting on tenterhooks to see if I get picked. Given they have been holding auditions throughout the country over the last month and we were the last group to be seen, I’m trying not to raise my hopes, even though I really want to be selected. You see, I’m going to use it as a platform to gain nation-wide interest in my beautiful, missing sister. The contestants who do well on each challenge, stay on the show. Imagine if I could tell everyone who watches it every day about you? I’m convinced I’d be able to track you down. I know you are out there somewhere. If you are reading this, Hannah Jane Masters, please let me know. I shall never give up hope. Even if I fail to make What Happens in... One day, somehow, you’ll find this blog and understand how much you are missed.