Outcome

by Kim Pritekel

  "I don’t know. I think everything in life happens for a reason. There had to be some purpose in it."

  "I agree. But, still it’s not one of my more shining moments."

  "Oh, I hear ya." I smiled, stretching my legs out in front of me, crossing them at the ankle.

  "Yeah." She scooted back until her back hit the couch. "So, Andi,"

  "Yes, Haley?"

  "You’re a lesbian?" I looked at her, surprised at her choice in topic, but I nodded.

  "That I am."

  "How did that come about?"

  "College." We both laughed, she nodded.

  "Yeah, that would certainly be the place to do it. How did it happen?" I felt a panic for just a moment, but took a deep breath, and let it out.

  "Well, it was my second year of undergrad. It just hit me. I knew guys weren’t it, no matter how many nice ones I met. It just did nothing for me, yet women I looked at did. I could get more from a woman’s stare than I could from a man’s caress." I sighed again. "So, one day I decided to try it, to see if I could actually go through with dating one."

  "And you did?" I smiled.

  "Well, obviously."

  "And Erin?"

  "Erin." I looked down at my hands that were folded in my lap.

  "If you don’t want to,"

  "No, it’s okay. It’s time I admit to someone other than myself that I was a schmuck. I just wasn’t ready for what she wanted."

  "Which was?"

  "A family, settling down. Cohabitation."

  "And you’re not?" I ran my hands through my hair, shaking my head.

  "I guess not. Sometimes I would think that I was, that I could do it, you know? I mean, she was kind of like Lonnie; very sweet, kind, and full of heart. But something was just missing for me. I could never put my finger on it." I looked at her. She was looking at me intently, her full attention focused on my words. I looked down again. "Sometimes I think I’m defective, or something." I looked up, giving her a weak smile. She smiled back.

  "I don’t think you’re defective, Andi. She just wasn’t the right person at the right time. It’s not a crime."

  "No, maybe not. But stringing her along for three years was."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Well, I had told her so many times that I didn’t want what she did, and tried to let her go, but she kept insisting that we keep going, that she could protect herself, and wanted me with her. So," I sighed, "I stayed. But, then when Hannah died, and everything, I knew life was too short. And just because I’m fucked up doesn’t mean she has to be, too. She deserved better."

  "That’s very kind of you, Andi." I looked at her, expecting sarcasm, but only saw understanding. "Erin will understand and realize that you did her a favor. If she’s as wonderful as you say, someone will pick her up, and they will be what she needs."

  "Thanks. I hope so." We were both quiet for a moment, digesting the food and the conversation. Finally Haley spoke.

  "So, how did your mom take your coming out? She knows, I assume?"

  "Oh, yeah. She was wonderful about it."

  "I’m not real surprised." She smiled, resting her elbow on the cushion of the couch, her temple against her fist. "I’m also not surprised by this revelation." She sighed, looking at me. "Andi? Why didn’t you go to my graduation? You always said you would." I stared at her for a minute, bewildered, then it hit me.

  Without a word, I stood, headed into my bedroom. I opened the closet door and brought down the large boot box I kept things in, digging through until I felt the hard material of the cover.

  "Yes."

  I hurried back out into the living room, sitting down next to Haley, opening the brown cover, laces with gold designs around the edges.

  "What’s that?" Haley asked.

  "Any picture I took during those years, I stuck in here."

  "Listen to you, those years. You’d think you were in a concentration camp."

  "Just call me Rebekah." She chuckled. "Here we go." After flipping through the pages, I found what I was looking for. Haley took the album from me, looking closely at the picture, then up at me.

  "That’s me. In my graduation gown." I nodded, sitting back and supporting myself on my hands. I watched Haley’s face as she took it all in; the crowd, the stadium, all her fellow classmates. She smiled, bringing a hand up to swipe at her eye.

  "You were there," she whispered. I nodded.

  "For a short time, yes." She looked at me, and I could see the tears in her eyes, and the look on her face, part pain, part surprise, part wonder. She closed the photo album, and ran her fingers over her eyes, then opened her mouth in a yawn. I glanced at the Grandfather clock.

  "Wow. It’s already almost eleven."

  "I know. I really have to get going." I stood, stretching my arms over my head, my own yawn following.

  "This was so much fun, Andi. We have got to do it again." She smiled at me, genuine pleasure on her face.

  "Thank you. I liked it, too, and I agree."

  "Well, let me help you get this cleaned up." She bent down, about to grab our dishes. I stopped her.

  "No, Haley, I can get this." She stood, looking at me.

  "Andi, no. I helped make the mess,"

  "And I’ll clean it up. Come on. You still have to drive home, and it’s late." I pushed her toward the door. "I know that look on your face; you’re exhausted."

  "Okay, okay. Let me pee first." She headed toward the bathroom, then stopped. "You have a piano?" I nodded, smiling sheepishly. "But you don’t still play, right?"

  "No. I just figured that when I finally do get lessons, I’ll be set." She smiled, running her hands along the shiny wood top, her hands stopping at a CD that was laying there. She looked at me, eyes opened wide in surprise.

  "This is Linda Eder," she breathed, picking it up, and looking at the back of it.

  "Yes it is." I stuck my hands in my pockets, suddenly feeling very shy.

  "You listen to her?" I nodded. "I am so impressed." She looked at me out of the corner of her eye. "You’re just full of surprises tonight, aren’t you?" I smiled, looking down sheepishly. "You know, when I was driving here, my little U-Haul hooked up behind my car, I made sure I got here just in time for her concert."

  I stared at her, mouth open. "The one in Indianapolis?" She nodded, looking at me.

  "Woodrow Hall?"

  "Yeah." A smile began its journey.

  "You were there, Andi?" I nodded.

  "It’s the fifth time I’ve seen her in concert."

  "Oh my god! I was there, too. God, how crazy." I had a full-out grin on my face, now. "I wish I had known. That would have been fun with you. Certainly better than being by myself."

  "You were there alone?" She nodded, running her fingers up and down the edges of the jewel case.

  "My mom couldn’t really get away then. Dad wasn’t doing too hot."

  "Oh. Well, next time Linda comes home to Minnesota, we’re there." She smiled, nodding.

  "You’re on. Okay, about to pee my pants." She hurried back to the bathroom. I shook my head, began to clean up the mess.

  * * *

  Blue eyes fell to my mouth, then looked into my eyes again. There was something there that I couldn’t quite read, but if I had seen that look in my dreams, I would have taken it for desire.

  "Okay." She said quietly, still looking at me. Was she worried about the same thing I was? Did she worry I’d be cruel? Before I could ponder that question any further, I saw her leaning in a bit closer, her arm reaching across me to balance her self on her hand, placed near my shoulder. My body was vibrating, for so many reasons. I was nervous, could not believe what was about to happen, and oh yeah, I really wanted this.

  Soon there was barely any space between us at all, the tip of her nose teasing mine, then teasing my cheek as she got even closer. I could feel her breath, so hot on my face, her body heat immense. I felt just the barest touch of her breast against mine as she adjusted her body, not fully laying on mine
, but resting against it, her arm still taking the biggest brunt of her weight, her other hand playing with the hair that laid around my head on the carpet. My arms stayed glued to my body, my hands clasped on my stomach.

  Soft, almost tickling me, her lips teased, almost shy in their advance. I tried holding my breath so I wouldn’t all out pant. I didn’t dare want her to guess my excitement level, or my nervousness.

  "You can breathe, Andi," she whispered against my mouth. It sent shivers through my body, and I exhaled in a small, quick puff of air. The lips came again, softer than I ever imagined they’d be, almost stroking mine, her bottom lip pushing against mine. My fingers began to dig into themselves, craving the feel of her skin, her hair, anything.

  Both lips were on mine now, pushing, yet gentle, tentatively seeking the best place to rest. I didn’t know what to do, should I move my lips to kiss back? Should I just lie still? The lips pulled away a bit, and my mind screamed out in protest, my lips trying to hold on to what they craved, but the softness quickly returned, bringing with it a little more pressure.

  One of my hands found its way out from between our bodies, and rested on Haley’s shoulder, warm and soft next to the scratchy material of the cheerleading outfit. My fingertips barely touched the skin, rubbing, just brushing. I felt a shiver run through Haley’s body, and I smiled inside with satisfaction. This gave me a bit of confidence, and I pushed back with my mouth, opening my lips just a bit, just enough to capture her bottom lip between mine.

  Haley lowered her body a bit, lowering her weight to rest on her elbow now. I could feel her breasts against mine completely. My god, they were so soft. I had no idea. She moved her head a bit to the side allowing more room for exploration, her lips following mine, opening to capture more inside, and to allow the softest, warmest, most sensual feeling of her tongue, barely touching my top lip, tasting. At the sensation, my fingers dug into her shoulder a bit, messaging the skin, and moving up, along the cheerleading shell, and then the warmth of her neck, so soft and smooth.

  No wonder men loved women so much.

  Finally my fingers found themselves in her hair, brushing it from its dark halo around us, pushing it behind her shoulder, running my fingers down its long length.

  This seemed to get Haley going as I felt that tentative tongue from before finding its way into my mouth, searching, soft, gentle caresses. To my surprise, and arousal, Haley moaned, long and unbelievably sexy. God, I wanted to moan, too, but didn’t dare. My tongue met hers, and they slid against each other, Haley’s breathing coming faster with each caress.

  I bolted awake, arousal coursing through my body, my breath coming in short bursts. Looking around, I tried to orient myself, glancing at the clock. It was 3:14 a.m. I ran a hand through my hair, then stopped, eyes popping open.

  "Oh my god." Realization dawned on me. That was no dream.

  It was a memory.

  It all came flooding back to me. Spring break, the final weekend. Minnesota had been hit by a massive storm, everything closed down, and Haley had stayed at my house.

  I scooted until my back hit the headboard of my bed. Bunsen whimpered from the end of the bed, stood on tired legs, dragging himself up to plop down next to me, falling asleep again with a snort.

  Running my hands over his soft fur, I thought back. Haley bringing up her graduation tonight, and seeing that picture, and all the intense emotions that had been attached to it at the time.

  God, how had I forgotten all of this? How could I not? It had all been ripped from a young, insecure girl’s hands and heart so quickly, the sting was just too much. When I’d left Winston initially, I had made the decision right there and then that everything prior to college was void, and my life was about to begin again in college, where things mattered.

  What a fool I’d been. Look how that turned out.

  I looked down at my dog. Why couldn’t life be as easy as his?

  * * *

  I squeezed my hands into fists, trying to garner the courage to actually go into the room. I hadn’t seen Erin in about two weeks, and hadn’t spoken to her since I had left her house that night, after... things.

  I didn’t know if this was a good idea or not, if she’d care, or even whose benefit I was doing this for. Deciding I didn’t care, it needed to be done, I prepared myself for any response.

  Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open to the break room for the nurses on her floor. She was sitting on the couch, her feet up on a chair, reading a magazine. I swallowed, and cleared my throat. Erin looked up, her eyes narrowing as recognition filled them.

  "Hi." I said, my voice quiet.

  "Hello."

  "Mind if I sit?" I indicated the arm chair across from the couch. She nodded toward it, so I sat.

  "What can I do for you, Andi?" she asked, once I got myself situated. She sounded as though she were talking to any colleague, as if I were about to ask her about a chart or something.

  "Well, um, damn."

  "You never seemed to have problems speaking before. What’s the problem now?" I glanced up into her eyes, and smiled. I could understand her attitude toward me, and didn’t blame her. I had hurt her.

  "Listen, Erin, I don’t know if any of this will matter, or mean a thing to you, but I still think you should know." She said nothing, just sat, arms crossed over her chest, listening. "What happened, between us, it wasn’t your fault." She raised her chin a bit. "Erin, you are a wonderful person, absolutely incredible; generous, kind, so much to give." I cleared my throat again, running my palms on the thighs of my slacks. "I’m the one who’s broken. Not you." I looked up at her, wanting her to know that I was sincere, and meant every word of it. "And, I wish you the best. I know that what you need is out there for you, and I know she’ll find you, Erin."

  She looked away for a moment, taking a deep breath, then looked down at her hands that played with the magazine on her lap. Finally she looked up at me.

  "Thank you, Andi. That means a lot." She smiled, though it was sad. I smiled back, feeling like a weight had just been lifted away. I just hoped I hadn’t hurt her more by coming to her like this.

  "Well, okay. Um, good. I have to get going." I stood, stared down at her for a moment. "Take care of yourself, Erin. You want to be ready for when she comes riding up on her white horse." I smiled at her, and was glad to get a smile in return. I turned to head out, but stopped when I heard my name. I looked at her over my shoulder.

  "Why?" I turned to fully face her, and shrugged.

  "I guess time and distance give you perspective. You deserve so much more than I ever gave you, and it would be understandable if you’d take all this on your own shoulders. That’s just the kind of person you are, selfless like that. I wanted you to know, now, that emotions have cooled, that it wasn’t your fault. You just were in the wrong place at the wrong time to be hit with a train wreck like me." She nodded and took a deep breath.

  "I’ve been hearing about the fund you started in Hannah’s name. For her little girl." I nodded, sticking my hands in the large, deep pockets of my lab coat.

  "Why should that little girl pay for something that was out of her control?"

  "Yeah. Well, it’s an amazing thing you’ve done. You should know that."

  "Thanks, Erin."

  "In fact," she grabbed her purse from the side table, bringing out her wallet. "I’ve actually been meaning to give this to you." She grabbed a folded up check, handed it to me.

  "Erin,"

  "No, I want to donate this." I looked at the amount, surprised to see it was a thousand dollars.

  "You’re very generous, Erin. Thank you." I stuck it in my pocket. "Well, I better get back to the lab."

  As I headed toward the elevators, I felt good. No, I felt damn good. The smile just shot from one corner of my mouth to the other, my steps feeling lighter, more spring in them. I felt at peace with Erin for the first time in three years, like I had finally done right by her, and like she would be okay. And maybe, just maybe, so woul
d I.

  I thought of my time with Haley the other night, and what I had learned after she’d left. Life was so funny in the way it threw things at you, and then sat back, watching with glee as you tried to figure it all out. Life certainly had one sick sense of humor.

  * * *

  With a contented sigh, I stretched my arm along the back of the park bench, watching, completely amused, as Haley and Kendall played with Bunsen. He was totally eating it up, too. Who wouldn’t? Two beautiful ladies giving you their undivided attention?

  I smiled at this last thought, and leaned my head against my hand. It had been a week since I had had the dream, and I had decided that there was no reason to do anything about it, talk to Haley. She knew what had happened, and kids do stupid things.

  These new realizations made so much else make more sense, well, make sense at all. My feelings toward the Linda Eder CD and certain music from her. The feeling of sadness I’d get at times when I’d listen to her music. I used to equate it with Erin and I, or with whatever relationship I was in at the time. Much of Linda’s music is about love, and the things she wants in life, and I felt sad that I wanted many of those things, too, but they just seemed so far out of my grasp.

  At one time they were. As a teenager I had thought that Haley was the end-all of my existence, and I hadn’t even realized it. But we were all grown up, now, and reality takes on such a different look when the lights are turned on.

  "Come on, Andi!" I looked up to see Kendall running toward me. When she reached me, she grabbed my hand, tugging at it. "Come play with us."

  "Nah, you guys go ahead." I smiled at her. Hell, I was thoroughly enjoying watching them.

  "No, come on. Please?" Then I saw Haley running toward us, Bunsen barking at her heels. She reached us, and grabbed my other hand.

  "Yeah, come on, Andi. Come play," she pleaded, the cutest pout on her face.

  "Kendall has taught you well." I grinned, so did she, nodding vigorously. "Okay, okay." I stood, both girls excited. Bunsen even jumped at my legs until I grabbed his rope out of his mouth, and threw it, sending him off in a barking frenzy to grab it. "You did a good job teaching him fetch, honey." I put my hands on the girl’s shoulders as I watched the Pug grab the rope, and happily run back, the toy tripping him up every few yards.