Feathers: A Novel

by Kylie Stewart

  They fell into an easy conversation about another girl who’d arrived a week ago named Heather, and she was only nine. I heard Kelly fuss as she tried to comb out my hair, even asking Lily for help. Finally, I heard terrifying words.

  “Lottie, I’m going have to cut your hair in order to get these mats out.” Kelly sounded apologetic. “Probably have to give you a pixie cut. Is that okay with you?”

  I’d always had long hair.

  Always.

  Reaching up, I slowly felt through the mess and realized there was no other way.

  Lily rubbed my shoulder. “It’ll grow back quickly. Mrs. Ames had to cut mine to my chin.”

  “Okay.”

  What could I do?

  My hair hadn’t seen a brush in over a year. My fingers stopped working after the second week of being in the basement.

  Kelly stroked a hand over my scalp. “I’ll cut what I can now, and once we dry it, I’ll shape it up.”

  “Okay.”

  The bath time conversation slid into silence. Lily grabbed the clothes Mrs. Ames dropped by for me, then excused herself. I scrubbed until I couldn’t scrub anymore without my skin screaming in protest, so I wiggled my toes and called it good.

  “Ready to dry off?” Kelly left a towel and the clothes for me on a stool. “Let me know when you’re ready.”

  “Thank you.”

  Appreciative of her thoughtfulness, I dried as quickly as I could, but my reflection in the mirror caught my attention. My bones stuck out, and my skin stretched tightly over my body. What was left of my hair stood up in hacked chunks. I looked so sick my stomach churned. I quickly pulled on a pair of socks, soft cotton underwear, a bra with no underwire, and the leggings and sweater given to me.

  “I’m done.”

  Kelly turned back toward me with a smile. “Now let’s work on this hair, hmm?”

  A half hour later, my mess of hair had been tamed into a slick pixie cut. It made me feel like a boy, but Kelly had styled it more girlish. I could live with it.

  Blushing, I turned back to her. “Thank you so much.”

  “You are most welcome.” She glanced at her watch and whistled. “Almost time for dinner. You’ll meet the other three girls then.”

  My fingers stopped pushing my short bangs around my face with a sudden thought. “Does Mrs. Ames take in boys too?”

  Her mouth opened to speak, but she quickly shut it. “Oh, you mean the young man at the end of the hall who saw you?”

  “Yeah.” My mind conjured up the image of him glowering at me again.

  “That’s Mrs. Ames’s grandson, Hawk McLean.” Kelly pursed her lips and set a hand on a curvy hip. “You’d do well not to talk to him or bother him much.”

  My chest tightened, and I inhaled sharply. “Is he a bad man?”

  She smoothed her expression upon seeing my reaction. “Oh no, honey, he’s a good man. One of the last gentlemen on this planet, if I do say so myself.” She chuckled. “But he keeps to himself and doesn’t get involved in Mrs. Ames’s business.”

  “Oh.” I sighed in relief. “That’s good.”

  “Yup.” Kelly opened the bathroom door for us. “Just steer clear, he’s almost out of college. He doesn’t need any of us to bother him.”

  Bobbing my head in agreement, I followed Kelly down the expansive hallway and down an impressive staircase. Nerves gripped my stomach once again when we entered the dining room. And it wasn’t because of the three extra sets of eyes peering at me while Lily shushed them.

  Seated to Mrs. Ames’s left sat Hawk. His cool gray-blue eyes settled on me briefly before sniffing and leaning back in his chair. The only seat empty was next to him after Kelly took her seat.

  I gulped.

  So much for steering clear.

  Kelly guided me to my seat. Once settled, Mrs. Ames gave me a broad smile. Unable to muster much more than a grimace, I stole a glance out of the corner of my eye.

  My blood ran cold.

  Hawk watched me from his periphery just as his name suggested.

  No matter how hungry my stomach told me I was, my nerves railed against the delicious food on the table. No one else seemed to catch on. After a brief grace, they all began chatting and passing the dishes around. I sat very still, like stone, unsure of what to do.

  “Lottie.” A deep baritone voice rattled my bones at the silky smoothness. “Can you please pass the potatoes?”

  Eyes wide, I stared up into Hawk’s gaze. He didn’t smile, but his twinkling eyes shone with mischief and not malice. When I didn’t respond, the corner of his lip twitched into a sideways smirk. “Excuse my rudeness—but can you pass the potatoes please?”

  He gave me another chance to make up for my idiocy. With trembling hands, I passed the potatoes, praying I didn’t drop them. Hawk took the bowl from me, and he put a serving on my plate after his own. I stared at the drop of mashed potatoes in awe.

  Real food.

  “Umm, thank you,” I whispered shyly.

  A warm chuckle rumbled from beside me. “You’re welcome.”

  The rest of the dinner continued with me eating slowly in silence, listening and watching. My nerves were a bit on edge sitting so close to a man after all I’d endured, but I enjoyed listening to Hawk speak to his grandmother and Lily. Unlike the men who’d stole me, his voice sounded nice, gentle, and relaxed.

  I didn’t know why Kelly cautioned me against Hawk, but I’d respect boundaries. Not wanting to cause any trouble, I finished my dinner in silence.

  Grateful to be saved.

  Thankful to be free.

  Chapter Three

  Hawk

  Another abused girl stolen from her wretch of a home and tossed into another type of nightmare found her way to our doorstep. I’d seen it all.

  My grandmother, bless her heart, took in broken girls like other women her age looked after stray cats. They always looked the same, some a little worse for wear. Never trusting, always skeptical. So damn quiet you’d think they’d forgotten how to speak.

  Glancing out of the corner of my eye to the blonde at my side, I caught her sneaking peeks up at me. I pretended not to notice. If I said anything or moved too suddenly, this new girl named Charlotte would probably stab me with her fork or bolt from the table.

  Grandmother always sat the new girls next to me.

  Why I had no idea.

  The thought of sitting next to a man after being abused by one of my sex wouldn’t exactly put anyone’s mind at ease. But my grandmother firmly believed that the girls should know not all men were monsters. So I am assigned to sit next to each new charge she takes in.

  Lily continued to chat in earnest across the table from me. I pretended to be interested. When Lily first came, she’d been brainwashed by her owner that her job was to please him in every aspect. Needless to say, at the age of twenty, being placed next to a fifteen-year-old who thought her job was to “please” me had been an ordeal. I’d refused to sit next to her for weeks, disgusted not by her—it wasn’t her fault—but by what men were capable of.

  We’d grown past that, and Lily turned into a pretty young woman, but while she fished for my approval, I ignored her. Any girl my grandmother and Kelly took in would be damaged goods. No matter how old they got, or how much they let go of their past, the corruption done to them couldn’t be forgotten.

  When I’d first caught sight of Charlotte Waters in the hallway, screaming and clawing to get free, I watched her struggle. She’d looked nothing like the picture my grandmother kept in her file right next to her mother’s jail sentence.

  A grimy, bloodied nightgown clung to her bones protruding from almost translucent skin. Her pale blond hair appeared black and matted. Half of me sneered at such a sight. How could someone allow a girl to devolve into a creature such as this?

  Then she’d seen me, and without realizing it, I’d become entranced.

  Bright sea-green eyes challenged me to hurt her. She’d all but told me to fuck off with her sharp gaze.
While she’d trembled and ducked her head behind Kelly’s shoulder, those piercing eyes continued to taunt me.

  They told me I couldn’t break her anymore.

  They’d dared me to try.

  She had no soul left to snap.

  I’d sucked in a breath. That was when my grandmother walked over to me and told me to leave so they could calm her down. So I did as my grandmother asked and left, but her innocent eyes held knowledge of things she shouldn’t know.

  Now, sitting next to her, the tension rolled off her in waves.

  Charlotte didn’t like being near me, but she allowed it.

  The other three girls—Cassandra, Melody, and Heather—had all sobbed, refusing to sit next to me for weeks. Lily reverted to her learned behavior, but this girl? This girl sat next to me in a mad mix of fear and resignation.

  Her face had been washed of all the grime. The pale golden hue returned to her now shortly cropped hair. For a moment, I hadn’t recognized her when she’d entered the dining room, but the challenge in her gaze remained the same.

  “Lily.” My grandmother spoke to the eldest girl after dessert. “Please take Lottie to her new room and get her settled. I’m sure she’s tired.”

  “Of course.” Lily flounced out of her chair and came around to take Lottie’s hand. “You are going to love your new bed.”

  Charlotte swallowed once, before taking Lily’s hand. “Okay.”

  If I hadn’t strained to listen, I would have missed her soft whisper.

  Her gaze flicked up to me. I stared back at her in silence. Arching a brow, I offered a tight half-smile. She didn’t flinch, didn’t even blink. She just glowered right back at me with a skeptical expression on her face.

  In return, I narrowed my eyes on her, leveling the same look back at her.

  Finally, she tore herself away and followed Lily out of the dining room.

  “Hawk, what was that for?” My grandmother’s accusatory tone pulled my thoughts away from Charlotte.

  “What was what for?”

  “That nasty look.” She huffed. “Be nice to Lottie, she’s been through hell.”

  “Tch,” I snorted. “And I haven’t?”

  Her hazel eyes shot daggers. “You’ve come out the other side, so stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

  I looked away, guilt teasing in the corner of my mind. “I’m sorry, Grams.”

  Grams straightened herself back up and stood. “She didn’t seem to mind sitting next to you all that much, not like the other girls.”

  My fingers played with the fork on the plate, contemplating how to answer.

  She sighed. “Just try to be kind, Hawk. She’s been told not to bother you, like all the rest.”

  Nodding, I waited to look up after she left.

  This house used to be a home but not anymore.

  It felt like a boarding school, a rehab center.

  I remembered being dropped off here by my uninterested father after my mother ran off. He’d told Grams, his own mother, he couldn’t be bothered to raise a child, but when I became old enough, he’d come back and train a man to take over his company.

  Mom left.

  Dad left.

  And neither came back.

  So maybe I wasn’t so different from the strays my grandmother took in after all. Only, while they got better, I got worse as a small town stifled me.

  Eleven years ago …

  We pulled up to my grandmother’s large house in the middle of the country in silence. My father sighed heavily as he put the Lexus in park, turning to face me. I didn’t look back. I couldn’t.

  “We’re here, Hawk.” His voice sounded unusually reserved. He used to have a booming, happy voice. But ever since Mom left six months ago, it was loud in an angry way.

  “I don’t want to be here,” I mumbled in return.

  “You don’t have a choice, son.” He opened his car door, got out, and began to unload the trunk of the luxury car. Everything I owned of importance fit in suitcases and storage containers.

  Dad had sold our family home and purchased a condo in the city. That meant a lot of my things went in the garbage. So did Mom’s.

  My grandmother—Grams for short—came out of her house slowly. Her steely gray eyes narrowed on my father, her only son. Like me, she didn’t appear happy about this situation.

  “Richard, I don’t think this is a good idea for Hawk,” she began after wrapping me into a warm hug. “He needs you as his father.”

  Dad grunted. “He needs stability. That’s something I can’t give him anymore.”

  Instead of arguing, she pursed her lips, gently taking hold of my shoulders as he continued to bring my things into the foyer of the house. My entire body felt numb. My brain didn’t fire with any one emotion, just nothingness.

  “I’ll call in a few days to see how you’re settling in,” he said, pausing at the front door before leaving me behind. His blue eyes were tight around the corners, his jaw clenched shut.

  I said nothing. What could I say? All the crying and begging I did, asking him not to send me away, was for naught. It only made him angrier.

  With only a ruffle of my hair, my father left me in the middle of nowhere. He abandoned me just like Mom had abandoned us both. Tears slid quietly down my face. I stubbornly wiped them away with the heel of my palm, but they kept coming.

  “Oh, my sweet boy.” Grams wrapped me in one of her warm hugs, holding me close. I buried my face in her shoulder and cried for hours. I never forgave my father. And he never asked for forgiveness.

  I understood what it was like to be abandoned, wondering what the hell you’ve done wrong. Rolling my shoulders, I stood, unsure of what to do. I’d nearly finished my undergraduate degree in business and had a chance to study in New York City for the spring semester.

  Should I stay, or should I go?

  My father cut my mother from his will. After his death two years ago, I became quite wealthy yet still had no direction. Unlike the girls my grandmother took in, I could still make my own choices, couldn’t I? Or would my past strangle me and prove me damaged?

  Fuck it.

  Storming out of the dining room, I shut myself in my room and turned on the laptop sitting on my desk.

  I have to get out of here.

  Fingers flying, I composed an email to my head professor, telling him that yes, I would go to the city to intern. With the send button clicked, it was done. I’d go to the city and never look back. Only a few more weeks to endure and then I’d be free.

  Free to do whatever I wanted to do.

  Free from this house.

  Free from haunting green eyes.

  Chapter Four

  Charlotte

  One week later …

  My life went from the worst nightmare to the sweetest dream in a matter of days. Lily and Mrs. Ames hadn’t been lying about me loving my new room. It’d become my haven. Light lavenders and creams wove a tapestry of calm throughout the walls, pictures, pillows, and sheets. For the first time in forever, I didn’t have to sleep on a wet stone floor. My canopy bed kept all the bad out and me safe within. Lightly weighted fabrics fell around my bed, allowing me to choose if I wanted to be trapped or not.

  A matching dresser, nightstand, and vanity took up minimal wall space. I finally had a closet of my own. Mrs. Ames said she’d take me shopping for my very own clothes sometime soon, but until then, I could share with Melody, who was my age and size.

  But my favorite part had to be the window seat, which housed all sorts of books on the shelves below the plush cushions. The view looked out over the meadows and forest surrounding the house. I spent hours sitting, staring, or reading to Heather and Cassandra who were younger than me.

  The most unpleasant part of this transition was sitting in the doctor’s office. The doctor smiled a lot and asked my permission before she touched me anywhere. She prodded me, looking in places I never knew doctors looked, and it was uncomfortable. The shots were annoying. But I knew when vaccines wer
e administered, it would be for the best. Mrs. Ames wanted to see me healthy.

  Lily and Melody went to the local school, but since the other two were new like me, a woman by the name of Mrs. Peterson homeschooled us. Mrs. Ames also arranged for each of us to spend an hour a week with a counselor, Mrs. Dawson, in private to discuss what happened to us.

  I’d learned that Mrs. Ames worked with people locally to help find children, mainly girls who’d gone missing. That was how she knew my name. She had connections from her late husband’s time as a detective on the local police force who helped her. She’d learned of my disappearance and began working on my release six months before she found me. Even went to interview my mother and got a file on my life thus far.

  I didn’t want to discuss anything that happened in that basement and house. I wanted to forget for the rest of my life. But on Friday afternoon, I sat in the small library on a large recliner facing Mrs. Dawson.

  “Now, Charlotte, I just want you to understand that it’s okay to tell me what happened to you.” Her kind smile lit up her blue eyes. “I also understand that you’re hurt, and you probably don’t want to talk about it, but in order for you to move on, we have to work on this together.”

  You understand I’m hurt?

  You know I don’t want to talk about this?

  We’re going to work on this together?

  Wrinkling my nose, I leaned back in the chair, skeptical already.

  How could this woman, dressed in a navy blue skirt suit, understand what it’d been like to wear the same nightgown for over a year? She wasn’t beaten alongside me or forced to do disgusting acts for men who didn’t care about me.

  “I just need you to trust me that I can help you, Charlotte.” She tucked an errant lock of strawberry blond hair behind her ear at my expression. “I’ve worked with girls like you before. Lily and Melody are both better because we talked about things.”

  I clasped my hands together on my lap, narrowing my eyes.