Feathers: A Novel

by Kylie Stewart

  Why did it feel like I’d been punched in the chest?

  He doesn’t care about me.

  Tears tracked down my cheeks, and I let them fall.

  He’ll go to the city and forget all about me.

  I sniffed.

  His song isn’t even finished.

  “Little Lottie, what’s the matter?”

  My eyes squeezed shut at the sound of his voice.

  No.

  No, I didn’t want to hear it.

  I didn’t want to say good-bye.

  “Are you crying?”

  His footsteps clipped over the hardwood, coming to a halt next to the bench.

  I continued my silent protest, and he sighed and sat next to me, forcing me to scoot over. One arm leaned forward to rest on the piano. The other gently wiped away a tear.

  “Are you sad because I’m leaving?”

  I glowered at him, accusing him of things he didn’t deserve, but it made me feel better.

  The corners of his mouth twitched slightly. “Ah, so you’re mad at me.”

  Puffing my cheeks, I turned my gaze back on the piano.

  “I’ll be back in a few months, Lottie.” He continued to try to make nice, but I pretended I wasn’t listening. “My grandmother and Kelly will take great care of you, and I expect you to continue to play piano while I’m away.”

  He’s lying.

  “I don’t want you to go.”

  He sighed heavily, running a hand through his dark strands. “Lottie …”

  My gaze flickered back to his face, studying him closely. Hawk leveled his eyes on me with apologetic gray-blue pools. I chewed on my lower lip and opened the journal to the third page. On the top of the mess of notes, I’d written Hawk’s Song. His brows shot up, and he leaned forward to get a closer look.

  When he spoke, his voice grew gravelly. “You wrote a song for me?”

  “I haven’t finished it yet.” Whispering back, I began to play. “It’s nothing much, but I wanted to thank you.”

  “For what?” Hawk sounded taken aback, almost shy. “I haven’t done anything, Lottie.”

  Shaking my head, I continued to play the slow melody. “You understood.”

  He fell silent, listening until the notes on the page ran out and the music was nothing but an echo on the air. A large hand covered mine, and I tensed. Men touching me always meant pain, punishment, or sick torture. But this was different.

  “Lottie, that was beautiful.” Hawk’s whisper drew my eyes to his again. “Thank you.”

  Brand new emotions erupted to life in my stomach, and my pulse picked up its pace. My face flushed red hot, and I glanced down at our hands.

  “I’m sorry it wasn’t finished.” I managed to mumble something through my hazed mind.

  He chuckled, and a sliver of something raced down my spine. “Then I expect it to be finished when I get back.”

  I nodded. “I’ll try.”

  Silence enveloped both of us.

  Hawk seemed to be struggling with his own demons while I lost traction due to foreign feelings I hadn’t given myself permission to feel.

  “Hawk.” Mrs. Ames’s voice came from the hall. “Say your good-byes, the driver is here.” She smiled warmly at the two of us before giving us privacy.

  He let out a long breath and shook his head. “That’s my cue.”

  Giving my hand one last tender squeeze, Hawk stood and started to leave.

  I watched him begin to walk away, and my impulse seized control.

  “Hawk!”

  Rushing up behind him, I wrapped my arms around his waist, hugging him. He froze mid-step for a moment before slowly turning back toward me and dropping to my level.

  “I’ll be back, Lottie.” He wrapped strong arms around me and pulled me into the best hug I’d ever gotten. It was warm and safe. He smelled like peppermint. I nuzzled into his shoulder and squeezed him back.

  “Don’t forget me.” My lower lip trembled. “Promise?”

  Hawk sat back on his haunches, looking up at me with a genuine smile. “I promise.” He held up his pinky. “Lock it in, Lottie.”

  Smiling myself, I took his pinkie with my own and nodded. “I promise to finish your song.”

  I walked hand and hand with Hawk to the front door. Lily’s eyebrow arched when we passed, but she didn’t say anything, only pressed her lips into a tight smile. He said his good-byes, ruffling my short hair gently.

  We watched him climb into the back seat of the car waiting to take him to the airport in Syracuse. The imprint of his pinkie on mine gave me silent hope in someone for the first time in forever.

  I’d keep my promise no matter what.

  And I knew Hawk would keep his.

  We understood.

  Chapter Nine

  Charlotte

  Four months later …

  Life continued like normal after Hawk left. School resumed for Lily and Melody, and this time, Cassandra joined them. Heather and I would start back in the fall since we’d come to Mrs. Ames a month apart. Mrs. Dawson seemed impressed with the steps I’d taken to overcome the nightmares. I’d told her about playing the piano when I couldn’t get back to sleep, and how I hadn’t needed to get up in the middle of the night at all recently.

  My hair finally decided to grow to just above my jaw, and Kelly styled it into a cute bob. Lily taught Melody, Cassandra, and me how to apply makeup appropriately for our age. At first, I’d been confused as to why so many sticks of colors needed to be slapped on, but after seeing my transformation, I’d been sold.

  Even though my birthday wasn’t until August 5th, I felt older and more mature. Sure, fifteen wasn’t nearly as important as sixteen, but it would be one step closer to going to college as I’d planned.

  Hawk called every two weeks or so to talk with his grandmother. He’d ask about how we were doing, specifically me. Mrs. Ames did a great job of not singling me out around the other girls. She’d merely catch me playing the piano or reading in my room and deliver whatever message he’d sent that time.

  “Hawk called today, Lottie,” she’d say nonchalantly. “He told me to tell you hello, and he hopes you’ve been practicing the piano.”

  “Oh?” My cheeks burned. Knowing he took the time to ask about me and wanted to relay a message made me feel special.

  The harsh Central New York winter faded into spring. Heather and I could go outside during the day, but I went out mainly to keep an eye on Heather while she played on the jungle gym. A lot had changed in the six months since I’d first arrived.

  May loomed just around the corner, and that meant Hawk would be coming home soon. Excitement shot through me at the prospect. I’d kept my promise of finishing his song and couldn’t wait to share it.

  Then, one night at dinner, Mrs. Ames announced when Hawk would be coming back. “Hawk will be home May sixteenth from his internship, but he won’t be staying long.” She wiped her mouth with her napkin. “He’s accepted a job down in Florida, so he will be moving there the start of June.”

  It felt like someone had poured ice water over me.

  Hawk would be home, but he’d also be leaving.

  For good.

  The other girls didn’t seem too upset by that announcement. I glanced at Lily out of the corner of my eye, and while she appeared disappointed, she’d found a nice boy at school and the two were dating.

  My appetite fled, and in its place sat gnawing resentment.

  Why would he move to Florida?

  I set my fork down, catching the attention of Mrs. Ames. She didn’t say anything but kept a quiet eye on me the rest of the meal.

  Once able, I excused myself to the safety of my room and curled up on the window seat. Leaning my head back against the wall, I stared at the dusk filtered sky. I decided it would be the best to sort out my emotions before Hawk came home. With a deep breath, I closed my eyes and focused on exactly what I was feeling at the moment.

  Confusion, because he’d come home just to leave again.
Sadness, due to the fact Hawk would be all the way on the other side of the country. Anger, for being abandoned by the one person who saw me for me. Excitement, by pure virtue of the fact that I would see Hawk in less than two weeks.

  That strange, unidentified fluttering in my belly cropped back up, and I rested my palm over the flat of my stomach.

  Can it be possible that I have a crush on Hawk?

  My cheeks grew hot.

  How pathetic am I?

  The first young man to show me any sort of kindness, and I’m fawning over him like a love-sick idiot.

  I almost disgusted myself.

  Men stole me from my mother, and men did horrible things to me.

  But you know all men aren’t like that.

  I chastised myself.

  And Hawk was nothing like them.

  Maybe I can convince Hawk to stay?

  Or maybe it would just be better if I let him go.

  May sixteenth came faster than I wanted it to. Half of me screamed in excitement, and the other half glowered in acrimony. Still, I put on a pair of skinny jeans and a floral peasant blouse top. Lily said my taste in clothes reminded her of a hippie, while I considered it boho chic. At least, that was what I’d read in her Cosmo magazine.

  After applying light makeup like she’d shown us, I stared at my reflection in the vanity mirror. My cheeks weren’t hollow anymore, and my bones no longer stuck out like wire hangers. The spring sunshine and time spent outside with Heather had given me a light golden tan and an athletic build.

  The only part of me I wished was different was my chin-length hair. I couldn’t wait to have it longer and experiment with different styles.

  A rumble outside my window pulled my attention away from the mirror. The slam of a car door made me jump. He was here.

  Now or never.

  I might be almost fifteen, but my new, healthy life decided to accelerate my body along. Mrs. Ames and I went shopping specifically for bras just last week. My new curves made me self-conscious and very aware that while Melody and I were the same age, she still had middle school looks while I’d jumped into high school.

  Hawk’s going to be twenty-three this October. He’s too old for you.

  Mrs. Ames had everyone’s birthdays written down on the calendar hanging in the library. I’d peeked with or without a motive to find Hawk’s.

  Commotion downstairs caught my attention, and my stomach tried to flip itself into knots. Time to face the music. I inwardly groaned at the horrible pun. Slowly, I descended the stairs where everyone had gathered in the foyer. Mrs. Ames beamed up at Hawk while the girls stood around welcoming him home.

  His hair seemed shaggier than before. And while he’d left in black dress pants and a button-up, now he wore dark washed jeans and a tight black V-neck T-shirt. Swallowing hard, I tried not to stare at the way his biceps flexed every time he moved his arms. His shoulders seemed broader now than when he left.

  Melody smiled at me from my cautious perch on the bottom step. She was the only one who I’d told my feelings to, so she understood.

  Hawk glanced over his shoulder, and our eyes met. One of his eyebrows jumped upward, those gray-blue eyes widening slightly before he cast me an easy smile.

  “Little Lottie.” His voice teased while he strode over to where I stood. “Your hair finally decided to grow out.”

  I didn’t know what to do. Everyone was looking at us, and he was looking at me. My entire body seized up, and I stood there like an idiot. Maybe it was because his gaze focused solely on me. Or perhaps that he actually reached out and touched the ends of my hair.

  “Hey, it’s just me.” Hawk lowered his voice to a whisper, holding out his pinkie. “Did you forget about me?” He winked, still teasing.

  Lightning struck me then.

  He was happier, more laid back.

  I’d never seen him smile this much.

  Was his internship that much fun?

  Or did the prospect of Florida mean that much to him?

  Allowing myself to give a shy smile, I reached out with my pinkie and locked it around his. “Of course, I didn’t forget about you.”

  His pinkie yanked me forward, and he caught me in a strong bear hug.

  “Good, because I didn’t forget you.” Hawk held me for a moment before releasing me. He smelled like ocean and clean cotton. My favorite scent in the entire world. “Did you keep your end of the deal?”

  My voice fumbled over the words. “Yeah … I d-did.”

  He released me, and I glanced away, a bit overwhelmed by his attention.

  “Well, I can’t wait to hear it.” Hawk grabbed one of the suitcases and slung it up onto his shoulder while picking up the other one by its handle. “I’m going to unpack first, though.”

  “Okay,” I mumbled, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

  I hated being the center of attention, especially when it came to Hawk. I didn’t want anyone but Melody to know how I really felt about him. Because seven years stood between us. It would be impossible for anything to actually happen, which caused my heart to sink a little deeper every time I thought about it.

  Stepping down off the step so he could get by, I met Lily’s gaze. She didn’t seem overly upset, but she still appeared vexed by Hawk’s interest in me. And frankly, I was beginning to feel the same.

  Why take interest in me?

  I wasn’t special.

  Not a bit.

  Chapter Ten

  Hawk

  It felt great to be home, but the prospect of moving to Florida had me feeling lighter than ever before.

  Years ago, my father’s expectation of taking over his business ruled my life. First, Mom left, and then he died of an aggressive form of cancer, leaving me with millions and no business. As if to fulfill an unspoken promise, I’d gone to Syracuse University for business management and taken a rare opportunity to intern in New York City.

  I smiled at the fresh memories in the Big Apple.

  My new boss told me to work hard and play even harder. I’d made a friend in my department rather quickly, and he was more than happy to show me how to do both. Jackson Hewitt, or Jax as he liked to be called, showed me the ropes in and out of the office.

  There may or may not have been hot girls—lots of them. And by a lot maybe six in total because a few I asked out again. The lifestyle had been fun but exhausting. Jax and I clicked really well. His father owned a marina and yacht club in Florida. He’d been dying to move back down there to do something with his biology degree while still working with his dad’s business. From there, our conversation turned to everything I’d ever dreamed. He wanted to be by the ocean and so did I.

  His father was willing to sell some of his prime beachfront for us to get our own business off the ground. Jax had the in and the brains around the area, and I had the means and the grit to get it done. I’d always been told not to go into business with family or friends, but Jax and I were on the same page—kindred spirits.

  We wanted the sun, sand, and the surf life, and we were going to get it.

  The first few days I was home, I took it easy. I’d been going six days a week from five a.m. to ten p.m., some nights even later. Grams was super happy to have me back, and the girls seemed to be better adjusted.

  Heather even showed off her Polly Pockets to me, which was a huge step for such a shy girl. Cassie and Melody were polite but uninterested. Lily chatted on her cell with her latest boyfriend, albeit very loudly and in front of me.

  Lottie, however, was a different story.

  She’d kept her distance since our reunion. There were moments when I would catch her staring at me, accusations shining in her green eyes.

  What did I do?

  I’d be lying if I didn’t admit her transformation from skinny to healthy impressed me. In only five months, my grams, Kelly, and Mrs. Dawson had worked their magic. A teenage girl now stood where a scared, broken little girl once did.

  Hell, Lily even taught her how to apply makeup
.

  Lottie sat curled up on the back deck in the swing, reading a book. The sunshine cast her hair in a silvery glow, and the corners of my mouth twitched.

  All the girls in the world and you act like a puss with this one.

  Shaking my head, I raked a hand through my hair.

  I felt protective of Lottie, like an older brother figure. Maybe she’d be good for me. Teach me how to open up and actually talk to people without automatically assuming the worst. For so long, I’d put up a wall people couldn’t climb over, but with one challenging look, Lottie saw straight through me.

  Now, I wanted to know why she avoided me.

  The back door opened with a low creak, and her eyes snapped up, glaring at me from over the edge of her book. I gave her the same level glower back and shut the door behind me. The usually mild spring weather in Central New York teased us with hints of summer just around the corner. It was warm in the sun, but a breeze eased the heat.

  Crossing my arms across my chest, I decided to be direct with her. “Why are you acting like this, Lottie?”

  She studied me warily for a few moments, before huffing and closing her book as if I’d interrupted her. “Acting like what?”

  Arching an eyebrow, I walked over to take a seat next to her on the swing. “Acting like you want nothing to do with me.” I rested my elbows on my knees and clasped my fingers together, watching her intently. “Did I do something wrong?”

  Lottie flushed red and turned her chin away from me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  My teeth ground together, and I stifled a growl.

  She’s just a kid, playing kid games.

  “I think you do. You haven’t even kept your promise to play me my song.” I attempted to play on her guilt. On the promises we’d made to each other.

  “Yeah, well …” She searched for the words. “Well, I don’t think you deserve it anymore.”

  It felt like a tiny hand had punched me in the gut.