Feathers: A Novel

by Kylie Stewart

  He’d never sought me out to say good-bye.

  He just left.

  With trembling fingers, I opened the black box, and tears swelled in my eyes. A delicate white-gold ring in the shape of a feather lay against deep blue velvet.

  “Hawk …” Choking back a sob, I took out the ring and placed it on my left ring finger. It fit perfectly.

  He made me feel so many things.

  Anger.

  Resentment.

  Sadness.

  Desire.

  Love.

  Yes, even love.

  Love and hate ran parallel on that thin line of emotion, and one could easily be misconstrued for the other, but I knew better.

  Hawk and me, we were supposed to find each other. I didn’t belong to my mother, the men who bought me, or Mrs. Ames. The moment Hawk came into my life, I belonged to him.

  He’d given me back my wings feather by feather. And by cutting off his love, he’d caged me. His Little Lottie, the songbird, waiting for the day when he’d free me once again.

  My cell phone rang in the middle of the night, startling both Melody and me awake in our dorm room. The dream of my past faded as I fumbled in the dark to retrieve the vibrating device, ignoring Melody’s protests.

  “Hello?” I mumbled, holding the cell away from my ear.

  The voice on the other end came from Kelly, but she never called me.

  “Lottie, there’s been an accident.”

  A bolt of cold fear gripped my body, and I froze.

  Melody immediately shot up in bed at my expression. “What’s wrong?”

  Licking my dry lips, I forced my voice to cooperate. “What happened, Kelly?”

  “Mrs. Ames fell down the stairs and broke her hip.” The woman sounded close to tears. “She also hit her head, and we’re in the hospital waiting room. The doctors are consulting each other on which issue to tackle first.”

  The fist around my heart let up just slightly.

  Hawk’s okay.

  But then worry for the woman who’d saved me took control.

  “Is she unconscious?”

  “Yes, that’s what the doctors are debating.” Kelly sighed. “Hawk is on a flight right now to come home, but you girls are very close. We are at the university hospital.”

  “We’ll be right over, I promise.”

  I got the room and floor info from Kelly and hung up.

  My roommate immediately pounced on me. “What’s going on, Lottie?”

  Melody’s hazel eyes grew wider as I recounted what Kelly told me. We both dressed as quickly as we could. Melody grabbed her backpack to pass the time in the waiting room. I took my nearly filled journal and stuffed it into my messenger bag. We hurried out into the hall, shut our door, and locked it before heading down to our car in the parking lot. Neither one of us said much.

  Mrs. Ames never seemed to age. She rarely got sick, even when we’d all come down with the flu one winter, and she was always quick on her feet. We jumped into the car we shared on campus and drove the short way to the hospital. Grateful Melody chose to drive, I wrung my hands together.

  Please let her be okay.

  Kelly met us in the waiting room of the OR, visibly shaken and concerned.

  “Any change?” I asked, glancing over her shoulder.

  She shook her head. “She’s in surgery for her head injury. They found bleeding on her brain.” The woman’s whiskey-colored eyes brimmed with tears. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

  Melody hugged Kelly while I stood there in shock.

  Bleeding on the brain?

  That couldn’t be a good sign.

  We all sat in the plush chairs of the waiting room. Melody and Kelly talked quietly while I sat in silence, staring at the checkered pattern of the carpet. A nurse came out an hour after we’d gotten there to tell us Mrs. Ames was stable, but the doctors were still working on her.

  Kelly dabbed at her eyes with a tissue, and Melody’s face turned white. Unable to stand the tension anymore after two more hours, I excused myself. “I’m going to find the bathroom.”

  The sliding doors opened for me, and I inhaled the sterile smell of the hall. The waiting room coiled with tension and sadness. Any longer and I’d have gone mad in there. I paced up and down the long corridor, ignoring the stares of the nurses from their station. The sound of sneakers squeaking to a halt in front of me caused me to jump.

  “Lottie.”

  Every fiber of my being stood to attention at the sound of his breathless voice.

  Daring to look up, I finally looked upon the face I’d wanted to see so desperately for so long.

  His eyes held a fear hidden beneath steely resolve. A five-o’clock shadow covered his jaw, making his sharp features darken. His brow furrowed in concentration, and his mouth pulled down in a frown.

  Hawk reached out and placed his strong hands on my shoulders. “Is Grams okay?”

  I hadn’t expected to be the one to tell Hawk, but I did.

  “She’s in surgery for the head injury. The doctors found bleeding on her brain.” I spoke in a low voice, trying to be as gentle as I could. “That’s what they are focused on right now. She lost consciousness, so I assume they want to stop the bleeding before they move to her hip.”

  His lower lip trembled, and his harsh stare transformed into that of a scared boy. When he swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbed hard, and his fingers gripped me a little bit tighter. Mrs. Ames was the last family he had. She’d raised him when his father dropped him off on her doorstep and his mother abandoned him.

  He’s just like all of us girls.

  Hawk might not have physical scars or endured sexual abuse, but the emotional turmoil in his life still affected him. It was why he shut people out and seemed detached, cold.

  He tried to speak, but his voice cracked. “I came as fast as I could.”

  No matter how angry I wanted to be at Hawk for walking out on me, for skirting my graduation, and for keeping his distance from me, I couldn’t. Reaching up, I caressed his face, slowly running my fingers over the thick stubble on his jaw. “You’re here now.”

  His intense gaze misted over, and he pulled me into a tight embrace, burying his head in my shoulder and hair.

  “I’m sorry.” Hawk’s chest heaved as emotions finally poured out of him in broken waves. “I’m so sorry.”

  A piece of my shattered world fell back into place. My arms encircled his waist, and we just held each other in the hall of the hospital. This wasn’t the reunion I’d dreamed of, but I’d take it.

  Hawk, for this very moment, was home.

  And mine.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Hawk

  The next forty-eight hours crept by so slowly it nearly drove me insane. Grams made it through brain surgery and remained stable the first night. She hadn’t regained consciousness, but the doctors were certain she’d wake up soon.

  Because of that promise, neither myself, Melody, or Lottie wanted to leave her side. The three of us took turns grabbing food and drinks from the cafeteria and vending machines. We sent Kelly home to take care of Heather and Cassandra who were home while we were all at the hospital.

  Lottie didn’t leave my side, and her silent strength kept me going. We hadn’t really spoken much about anything other than Grams, which made our conversation safe to navigate. The silence between our talks screamed the loudest.

  How have you been?

  Do you still hate me?

  Can you forgive me?

  Do you think about me as much as I think about you?

  These questions whirled around in my head over and over again but never found their way past my lips. When a doctor finally came out to meet us in the waiting room, I sought out Lottie’s hand, ignoring the curious look cast our way by Melody. She didn’t shy away, and our fingers laced together easily as I held her while the doctor explained Grams’s situation.

  “The good news is she’s awake.” The old man’s brown eyes sparkled with h
ope, and I exhaled loudly. Lottie squeezed my hand, and Melody burst into tears.

  “That’s great news.” With my free hand, I rested it over my pounding heart. “When can we see her?”

  The doctor pulled off his glasses and wiped them on his white coat. “I’d say later this afternoon. She’s a bit groggy and needs to rest, but once we get her through the next few hours, you should be able to see her.”

  “Thank you so much.” Melody took the doctor’s hand and shook it. “She means everything to us.”

  The older man smiled gently. “We do our best here, and she’ll get the best care here.” His gaze paused on my hand holding Lottie’s, and he gave a small nod. “I have to get back to her, but we’ll keep you posted.”

  “Thank you, Doctor.” I held out my hand to shake. “I’m her grandson, and she means the world to me.”

  He gave a firm shake and a nod. “We’ll take good care of her.”

  As the doctor walked away, Melody was already on the phone to tell Kelly the good news. Lottie didn’t let go of my hand once. I ran my thumb across the back of her knuckles. She glanced up at me shyly.

  “I’m so glad she’s okay.”

  I offered a small smile, pushing an errant lock of blond hair behind her ear. “Me too.”

  Lottie’s sea-green eyes slipped shut at the gesture, and she leaned into my touch. Every bone in my body ached for this girl—no, young woman. Hell, I’d ached for her since our last good-bye.

  “How long are you going to stay?” she asked on a whisper.

  I took the time to drink her in, draw her to my memory one more time.

  Her hair fell well past her shoulders, and I wanted nothing more than to tangle my fists in it. The childish roundness to her face had vanished, and a beautiful masterpiece stared back at me. High cheekbones, strong jaw, yet feminine features captured my attention. Her lips were full, and I could think of a thousand ways to use them.

  She’d gotten taller too. Always the lanky type, those long legs now sun-kissed and toned taunted me. The shorts she wore with the ‘Cuse logo across her pert bottom had me thinking sinful thoughts. And the oversized sweater hanging off one shoulder exposed the same collarbone I’d once grazed my teeth against.

  All of this I could handle. Sexy women threw themselves at me in Florida all the time. But what made me what to throw my arms around her and scream at the top of my lungs was the collection of feathers she wore.

  Every single one of my gifts graced her body, a living, breathing shrine to the symbol she held so dear. From the necklace, to the earrings, the bracelet, and the journal sitting next to her bag, I was always with her. The ring on her finger caused my heart to stutter as I looked down between us and caught the glint of silver. She wore it on her ring finger. It fit perfectly.

  Charlotte was twenty-two now, and I was pushing twenty-nine. That seven-year age gap used to haunt me in my sleep, but now, we were both over eighteen. Both of us were consenting adults. Maybe now I could dip my foot into the dark pool named desire and steal her for myself after all?

  “For as long as I’m needed here,” I replied carefully, not wanting to give anything away. “As long as Grams needs me, I’ll stay.”

  Lottie nodded, seemingly satisfied with that response, but I knew her better than that. She’d allow me this moment of reprieve, and once we were back home with Grams, she’d try me and my self-control all over again.

  And this time, I wouldn’t hold back.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Charlotte

  Mrs. Ames stayed in the hospital for two weeks, making sure she would be fit to go home. The doctors agreed after two days of monitoring her head injury that her hip needed to be operated on and did so. Hawk kept Melody and me informed as we went to our classes that week, knowing Mrs. Ames would chide us for missing school for her sake.

  The Indian summer came to an end, bringing the crispness of fall on the wind. That first weekend Hawk came back, I decided to bring my summer clothes back to swap them out for my fall and winters ones. Perhaps it was just an excuse.

  I hadn’t gone home much on the weekends since being in college. To me, the weekends were spent in the music rooms practicing or studying for my general education courses. Many of my professors tried to push me onto the concert track, to become a performer, but I chose music education. Teaching Heather how to play made me so happy. I’d decided then and there I wanted to be a music teacher.

  Shutting the car door, I balanced my duffle bag over my shoulder along with the basket of clean clothes I’d brought with me. Melody was staying on campus to hang out with her boyfriend, so I got to use the Impala. The front door opened before I even reached the steps. Hawk stood in the entryway, one hand holding the handle, the other shoved in his jeans pockets.

  He’s really home.

  Through our time at the hospital, I’d noticed the difference in Hawk. He wasn’t the same baby-faced, handsome boy next door as when we’d first met. His features had darkened with time, and small lines etched his face in wisdom. He’d lived.

  He’s a man now.

  Twenty-nine to my twenty-two, he should have settled down with a wife of his own by now, but he hadn’t.

  I smiled at him as I walked through the open door. “Thanks.”

  “No problem.” He closed the door behind me, and I heard feet pounding down the stairs.

  Heather came ripping around the corner. “Lottie!”

  “Hey, you.” I plopped down my basket and set the duffle on top, bracing myself as the youngest in our family enveloped me in a hug.

  “I’m so glad you’re home!” Her almond-shaped eyes shone brightly, and her smile widened. “I’ve been practicing my composition pieces, and my teacher says I’m the best she’s ever had.”

  Wrapping my arm around her, I squeezed her tight. “So my lessons paid off, huh?”

  Heather blushed. “I’m going to go practice some more.”

  “Don’t let me stop you.” I settled my hands on my hips, blowing a strand of hair off my forehead. The distinct feeling of being watched made me shiver. I glanced over my shoulder at Hawk’s brooding expression.

  “What?” I asked with a chuckle, bending back over to pick up my things. “You’ve been gone for so long, seeing me actually interacting with people must be a shock.”

  He winced at my words, and I pretended not to notice.

  Come on, Charlotte, play nice. He’s going through a rough time.

  “Hawk.” Pausing, I shifted the basket to my hip. “I’m sorry about your grams. We’ll do whatever we need to do for her to recover. She’s given us so much; it’s the least we can do.”

  His jaw clenched, and he just stared at me with a wounded expression before swiftly taking the basket from my hands. “Come on, let’s get this upstairs.”

  I didn’t protest. Sometimes with Hawk it was just best to let him do what he wanted. Not that I would complain. That basket was heavy. Besides, following him up the stairs had its perks. Hawk’s butt was fantastic, and his jeans fit just right.

  Since I’d started college, a few men managed to get me out but just on dates. No quickie back at my empty dorm, no kisses at the front door, and I made sure my signals never crossed the friend zone.

  Melody accused me of being hung up on Hawk since she’d walked in on us in the library that fateful day, but I’d brushed her off. She’d found a great guy in her major, and the two of them clicked, but the guys I dated never did it for me. They were either too ambiguous about what they wanted for the future or too wrapped up in themselves to ask me about myself.

  “If you stare any harder, it’ll be less obvious.” Hawk gently teased without looking back.

  His comment snapped me out of my thoughts, and my eyes reverted to the wooden stairs. Heat bloomed in my cheeks, and I silently cursed myself.

  Damn, I’m supposed to have my emotions under control by now.

  We made it to the door of my room, and I opened it quickly, stepping back so Hawk could go in firs
t. He set the basket on my lavender duvet and glanced around my room. I set my duffle down by the window seat and turned on the lamp by my desk.

  Our eyes met.

  Crap.

  Hawk always saw right through me, just as I always saw through him. We were two sides of the same coin. One with an affinity for air, the other for water.

  “Hasn’t changed much since last time,” he mused, running a hand through his shaggy locks.

  Shrugging, I set to work unloading my laundry basket. “No need for it to change. I love my room just the way it is.”

  Hawk smirked. “You hate change, Lottie.”

  I met his gaze, my stomach flipping as his blue-gray eyes sparkled with mischief.

  “I resent that.” My hands set to work unloading the clothes onto my bed, and I wrinkled my nose. “I’m just reluctant. Why fix what’s not broken?”

  He chuckled, and the sound warmed my soul.

  Did he regret the way we’d left things after the kiss in the library?

  Sure, he’d come home since then but only in short bursts and always on holidays. And he never, ever allowed himself to be alone with me.

  He’s alone with you now.

  My heart seized at the thought.

  Hawk stood in my room, something he rarely did when Mrs. Ames ruled the roost, and even then, he always chose to stand out in the hallway.

  When he finally spoke again, the gravity in his tone made me stop what I was doing and look at him. “Thank you, Lottie.”

  “For what?”

  He pivoted on his socked foot and walked right over to me, closing the distance between us with effortless grace.

  “For staying with me at the hospital and being so kind.” Hawk pulled a pair of shorts from my hands and took them in his own. “For saying encouraging things about Grams when you knew I was struggling.”

  We stood too close. The heat of his body rolled off onto my own, and the scent of the ocean flooded my nostrils.