Feathers: A Novel

by Kylie Stewart

  “Thanks.” I took the napkin and dried off my hands, ignoring my cup.

  “I’m Max.” He held out his huge hand with a warm smile. After a moment of carefully studying, I didn’t get the creeper vibe from him.

  “Charlotte.” His touch did nothing. No zing, no spark like when I touched Hawk. Max was warm, but he didn’t heat my blood.

  “That’s a super pretty name.” Max’s smile appeared sincere enough. “It’s like the name of the British princess. Very royal.”

  I couldn’t hold back the laughter that bubbled up and over. “Do you use that line on girls named Anne, Katherine, and Meghan?”

  Shrugging his shoulders, he conceded to the cheesiness of the situation with a boyish smirk. “It got you to laugh, though.”

  “This is true.”

  We stood quiet for a moment while another frat boy with brown hair whispered something in Max’s ear. He nodded briefly before turning his attention back to me.

  “Are you having fun? Is this your first time over here? I’d remember you for sure.”

  Nervously, I glanced over my shoulder, but I didn’t see Melody or Anthony anywhere.

  Great, I’m on my own.

  “Yeah, first frat party.” Rubbing my palms together, I noticed Max moved closer to hear me over the din in the living room where we were standing. “I’ve never been in here before. It’s a gorgeous house.”

  Perfect!

  Talk about something boring like the ancient décor.

  But Max didn’t lose interest on this topic. Rather, he grew very interested. “Do you want a tour?”

  A part of me said hell no, but the other part bored of just standing around replied for me.

  “Oh, why not.” I forced a smile, and with a sweeping motion of his arm, Max ushered me toward the kitchen.

  “After you, Charlotte.”

  Max knew a lot about the history of not only the house but also of the fraternity he was a part of. We wandered from room to room, passing a few couples who seemed to be doing the same thing we were. Pausing by a picture sitting over the mantel in the billards room, a familiar face caught my attention.

  “Hold on, is that Hawk McLean?” My eyes narrowed, and I stood on my tiptoes to try to see clearer.

  Max stepped up behind me, not quite in my personal space, but just touching the outside of my bubble. “Yup, that’s him.” Max’s breath tickled the back of my neck, making me wish I hadn’t pulled my long hair up into a high ponytail. “Dude’s a legend here.”

  “Really?” I continued to study Hawk’s youthful smile, beaming at the camera. It made my heart flutter to see him so carefree and happy.

  Max slowly rested his hands on my shoulders, giving gentle, massaging squeezes. “Yeah.”

  I froze.

  His mouth hovered just centimeters away from my ear, and his breath caused my skin to break out in goose bumps but not in a good way. Max pressed his hips into my back, and I could feel his cock thicken against his jeans.

  “You’re so sexy, Charlotte.” He dropped his right hand to rest on my waist. “Wanna go upstairs and I’ll take care of you?”

  A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

  I couldn’t move, couldn’t say a word as his fingers dared to hook under my sweater and brush bare skin.

  No longer was I in a frat house, but in the basement of the bad men’s home. A handsome youth wasn’t touching me, but a nasty old man took his place. Max groaned and rubbed against my ass, his wandering hand grazing over my breast.

  If I said no, I’d be hit.

  If I didn’t do as he wanted, he’d starve me.

  I almost nodded, too scared to refuse.

  He’d take me to his room and have sex with me. He’d take what wasn’t his.

  And that thought brought me to the surface.

  He didn’t own me.

  The only person who could lay claim to me was Hawk.

  But he wasn’t here. So if I said no, would Max drag me up the stairs by my hair and rape me?

  “I suggest you take your fucking hands off her, right now.”

  Ever the voice of reason, that silky baritone broke me out of my trance. I jumped out of Max’s hands and right into the arms of another. But this hard, warm body I knew by touch and smell alone.

  Hawk was home to me. He protectively wrapped me up, snarling at the wide-eyed Max. “Why don’t you go find something to drink?”

  Max blinked in shock, looked at me one last time, and then wisely left us alone in the pool hall.

  Hawk let out a sigh and buried his head into the crook of my neck. “Are you all right, Lottie?”

  Turning in his arms, I placed my hands against his chest and looked up at him. “Why are you here?”

  He looked guilty about something and wouldn’t meet my gaze. “I’m sorry if I interrupted something you wanted.”

  I shook my head vehemently. “No, he was totally normal at first, but then …”

  Hawk gently pulled me closer to him, kissing the top of my head. “You went back to the past, didn’t you?”

  Nodding, I couldn’t speak.

  He knew.

  “I saw you with this blank expression on your face, totally ashen, and knew you wouldn’t be able to break free.” Hawk rocked me slightly, reassuring me. “That’s why I came.”

  “I didn’t mean to do that.” My voice trembled as my hands began to shake, realizing how close I came to utter disaster. “Why did I do that?”

  “Shh, let’s get out of here.” Hawk cupped my face and forced me to look at him. “That wasn’t your fault. Understand?”

  I worried my lower lip with my teeth. Being unable to say no was my fault. My fear held me prisoner. I thought that part of me had died.

  Hawk made me give him my phone so he could text Melody for me to make sure she knew where and who I was with. Then we left the frat house. He helped me into the passenger side of his car. Once he settled in the driver’s seat, he paused, running the back of his knuckles down my cheek.

  “Do you want to go to your dorm or home?”

  With wide eyes, I faced him so close to tears and burning self-loathing. “I want to be with you.”

  His jaw tensed, and his gorgeous azure eyes focused only on me. “Home it is, then.”

  He started the car, and we took off away from campus and onto the highway toward home. Partway through the drive, Hawk reached over to take my hand. I held on tightly. If I let go, I feared I’d slip back into my nightmare of the past.

  Hawk kept me grounded to the present—to him. And at that moment, I understood the only way I could be whole again was by being with him. My mind was my own, but thoughts of Hawk occupied it every day. My soul could never be broken again, but Hawk made me feel so much more than human. My body belonged to me, but the only person I wanted to share it with was Hawk.

  I wanted him to claim me.

  I wanted to belong to him.

  Only him.

  And selfishly, I wanted him to belong to me in return.

  Only me.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Hawk

  I can’t even begin to describe the range of emotions I went through when I saw that fucking idiot touching Charlotte in the pool hall. Rage topped the list, followed by possessiveness and his faithful friend, jealousy. I wanted to physically rip this jackass’s head off his shoulders and football punt it out the door.

  But Charlotte’s terrified ten-thousand-yard stare kept me calm because she needed me. Written all over her face was the story of her childhood. The ghosts of the bad men surrounded her, and the memories of abuse controlled her at that moment.

  She’d melted the moment we touched, and she sought refuge in my arms, my arms. No matter what happened between us—the confused kisses, the fights, the denials—she still wanted me above all others. And that drove my need for her over the edge.

  Charlotte was mine.

  My knuckles turned white on the steering wheel while my other hand rested in her lap. She refused to l
et me go once our fingers intertwined. We were moments away from turning into our driveway and being home.

  Then what?

  Would she want to talk about what happened at the party? Or would she just go to her room and suffer alone?

  I slowed the car and eased into the drive, letting the car idle before turning the engine off. We sat there holding hands in silence.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Charlotte sucked in a breath at my question.

  “You don’t have to. We can just go in and go to bed.” I wanted to make this easy on her. She probably scared herself with thoughts of the past.

  Her head turned toward me, and her emerald eyes were dead serious as she spoke.

  “I want you.”

  Whoa, what?

  Shaking my head, I gave a nervous chuckle. “Did you have anything to drink there?”

  She didn’t balk or blink, she just calmly repeated herself. “I want you, Hawk.”

  Oh, shit.

  Suddenly, the car seemed too small, and I quickly got out, coming over to her side and offering my hand as I soon as opened her door. She took my hand and stood, never taking her gaze off me.

  “Let’s go talk inside, Lottie.” My tone brooked no argument. I didn’t want to have this conversation out in the great outdoors. Charlotte followed me into the house, both of us being as quiet as possible so we didn’t wake anyone.

  I began to walk toward the living room, but she grabbed the back of my jacket.

  “Can we talk in your room?”

  Oh, Lottie, if you go into my room to talk about this, you won’t come out the same.

  “Sure.” I winced internally while my common sense screamed at me to get control.

  So we quietly scaled the stairs and went in the opposite direction of where she and the other girls were housed toward my grams’s and my room. Marion was the only girl I’d ever brought home, and yes, we did have sex, albeit quietly.

  Charlotte waited for me to open the door and step back to let her in first. She’d been in my room before, but this time was different. Lottie wasn’t a little girl excitedly talking about the piano or feathers. She was a woman now and spoke about things like wanting me.

  To make matters worse, she sat on the edge of my bed looking unmovable.

  In my twenty-nine years, I’d spent the last ten of them indulging in the opposite sex. I enjoyed sex, hell, until last year. Jax and I got lots of it from gorgeous model-level women in Florida. Then Jax went and fell in love, and our tag-team tactics disbanded.

  I was happy for him, really. Elise actually straightened him out, and they balanced each other. But I’d also been envious. I wanted what they had. Share a bed, sleepless nights, sex anytime, but a love that meant more than anything in the world.

  For whatever reason, I’d never met the one. And in the back of my mind, I knew why. I’d waited for her. And now she sat on the edge of my bed declaring that she wanted me. But would it be okay?

  The fear of ruining our friendship terrified me because I’d rather keep her in my life as a friend than lose her. I decided it would be best if I took control of the conversation from the start. Leaning up against my dresser, I made sure there was plenty of space between us. “What do you mean when you say you want me, Lottie?”

  Unaffected, Charlotte shot me a level stare, and replied, “It means exactly what you think it does.”

  My brows furrowed. “You want to have sex with me?”

  Her cheeks turned pink at my bluntness. “Yes.”

  She’s so innocent.

  Licking my lips, I ventured toward the point of no return. “May I ask a personal question?”

  “Sure.” She clasped her hands in her lap, waiting.

  “How far have you gone with a man?”

  Her gaze widened, but she ducked her head. “The only man I’ve ever kissed is you, and that’s how far I’ve gone.”

  My ego grew three sizes knowing I’d been her first kiss, but then a dark look crossed her face, and my heart sank for her.

  “I was forced to do things in the past.”

  “We don’t have to talk about this, Lottie.” She didn’t need to explain her scars if she didn’t want to.

  “No, I need to tell you.” She shrugged. “I trust you.”

  That confession made me move toward her and sit down next to her on my bed. “Then if you want to talk, I’ll listen.”

  “The bad men, they forced me to do sexual acts once I started my period.” Her lips pressed together in a taut line. “They said I was old enough to be sold, so I had to learn how to please a man.”

  My stomach twisted, knowing how old Lottie’d been when she’d first arrived here, but I said nothing. It was my duty to listen.

  “So they would strip me naked and teach me how to … to pleasure myself.” She refused to look at me, the shame rolling off her in droves. “They never went inside, but they—”

  Before she struggled to finish that sentence, I intruded. “I understand.”

  Shooting me a look of gratitude, she continued. “They made me watch porn and taught me how to use my hand and my mouth on them.” Her face scrunched up in disgust. “They’d keep me naked and told me if I made them feel good, they’d make me feel good. But it never felt good.” Lottie squeezed her eyes shut. “It never once felt good.”

  I wanted to find the fuckers who’d done this and kill them with my bare hands.

  What kind of monster did one have to be to abuse a child?

  “So I am a virgin, but I know things.” She sniffed, swiping at her eyes. “And I’m not afraid of sex or men touching me like I used to be.”

  “You allow me to touch you.” I offered her a warm smile.

  “I trust you, Hawk.” Charlotte turned her breathtaking eyes on me again. “I’ve always trusted you.”

  “Why did you let me kiss you in the library?”

  This question had seared itself into my mind since the moment it happened, and I needed to know the answer.

  “I told you, because I wanted you too.” She returned a tight smile. “Because I like you a lot.”

  Shifting my weight, I turned my body toward her. “And why did you allow me to kiss you last weekend?”

  Charlotte paused, glancing down at her hands before looking back up at me. “Because I still like you, and I want you to like me back.”

  My chest grew warm, and I caressed her face tenderly. “Little Lottie, if only you knew.”

  Her eyes shut under my touch with a sigh. “So tell me.”

  My stomach flipped.

  “I want you too, Charlotte.”

  Green orbs reappeared and zoned in on me.

  “I’ve wanted you for so long it’s fucking killing me.” The rough edge to my voice shone through no matter how I tried to fend it off. “I just wanted to make sure you were ready.”

  “Ready?” Charlotte snorted and shook her head. “Hawk, I’ve been waiting for you.”

  We stared at each other, fireworks and electrical pulses dancing in the air around us. Whatever happened from here on out would change everything.

  Collecting Charlotte’s hands in mine, I gave in to my desires. “I have one condition.”

  “Anything.” Her voice turned breathless, needy, and sent blood rushing right to my dick.

  “I don’t want to rush with you.” At her confused expression, I clarified. “I want to have sex with you, Lottie. Hell, I’m honored you trust me enough to give me that part of you, but it won’t be tonight or tomorrow.”

  Her face fell. “Why?”

  Steeling myself against the thought of her begging on her knees, I answered honestly. “Because you deserve to be shown respect and to know what being loved feels like in every intimate way possible.”

  Charlotte’s mouth fell open, and her eyes swelled with tears. “Loved?”

  “Yes, Charlotte, loved.”

  Carefully, I reached up and pulled the elastic band from her ponytail and watched as the long, pale blon
d waves fell around her shoulders. It hit me then like a brick to the chest. I loved this girl, and I needed her to know it.

  The age gap wasn’t a problem all of a sudden. In fact, it made my arousal for her grow immensely. Knowing that I would be the man to pleasure her the way she deserved, learn what she liked, and teach her what I liked sent my protective and possessive senses on overdrive.

  All mine.

  “You are so beautiful, Charlotte, and so worth the wait.” My thumb brushed away a stray tear. “And I’d wait lifetimes just to call you mine.”

  A small sob caught in her throat, and she flung her arms around me. I held her, allowing her a moment of release.

  “You are the bravest person I’ve ever met, Charlotte.” I stroked my hand through her hair. “Thank you for letting me in.”

  She rested her head against my chest for a moment. We stayed quiet for a few minutes as I waited for her to collect her thoughts. Finally, Charlotte pulled back, and she laughed softly. “You’ve always been the only one I let in, Hawk.”

  Reaching out, I hooked my finger under her chin and brought her gaze to mine. “And I look forward to learning more about you and sharing my own past with you. But first …” My lids hooded, and the flame of desire I’d kept low for so long finally roared to life, powerful and burning hot.

  “But first?” she asked, a huskiness to her voice that made me tilt my head in curiosity.

  “First, I’m going to thoroughly kiss you.”

  Her lips parted, as if readying herself for my onslaught. A boyish smirk slipped across my mouth, and I lowered my voice on purpose.

  “May I do that?”

  “Yes, please.” Charlotte’s cheeks grew pink, and I could sense the anticipation building within her.

  “Take off your boots.” My smirk grew broader as I watched her blink in surprise at my command. “I don’t like shoes on my bed.”

  She giggled, causing a wave of relief to wash over me. The last thing I wanted was for her to be wound up so tight she couldn’t enjoy herself. I kicked off my own pair of Doc Martins while she untied the leather boots and tossed them aside. Charlotte sat back up, glancing over at me expectantly.

  Of all the women I’d been with, none of them simply waited for me to begin. They usually initiated either at a bar or in an Uber back to my condo. For a moment, I panicked. All the feelings of being sixteen and not knowing what to do or where to put my hands came flooding back.