Father Figure

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  “This is the first place I found. A student named Teresa Miller is looking for a roommate: it’s a two-bed, one bath apartment. Want to take a look?”

  I sat in his car, staring up at what my life could be: no more hooking, no more dodging Cornelius, no more waking up with syringes on the floor, no more lying, cheating and stealing to stay alive. My own place. With bills and responsibilities and normalcy. And suddenly I felt scared. What if I couldn’t make it? What if I really was trash like everyone had always told me? What if I was just a dumb slut who didn’t deserve anything good in life? What if I couldn’t cut it with whitebread folk? What if I failed?

  Gabriel laid his hand over mine. “It’s just a room, Blue. If you don’t like it, I have two other places for us to check out.”

  Us. That little word again, and it pinballed around in my heart. I knew there was no ‘us’ in the real world, maybe not even in our private bubble-world, but it woke me from my trance.

  “Yeah,” I said, as casually as I could manage. “Let’s check it out.”

  Teresa was an African-American woman in her third year of a nursing degree. Her eyes had nearly popped out of her head when she saw Gabriel, but after a double-take, she took his presence in her stride—kudos to her, ‘cause even in his priest’s uniform, he was freakin’ hot.

  “So, I work a lot, and a lot of weird hours,” she explained. “Some night shifts, too, although they try not to give those to student nurses, but sometimes it happens. I’m looking for a roommate who’s not about partying all hours. Sorry if that makes me sound like a … you know.”

  I gave what I hoped was a reassuring smile: nope, no ex-hooker here; no junkie’s kid; I’m normal Nancy all the way.

  “I’m not looking to party,” I said honestly. “I’ve lived in too many places like that. I just want somewhere quiet and not too far from work. I … I’m planning to start college in the Fall,” and I shot a look at Gabriel who was smiling, “so I’ll be studying a lot, too.”

  “Cool. So, where d’you work?”

  “Bl— Mariana is assistant housekeeper at St. Peter’s Rectory,” said Gabriel.

  “Oh sure, okay. Um, I’m not Catholic. My family are all Baptists.”

  “I’m not Catholic either,” I confided. “I just work at the rectory. Gabriel is a friend.”

  Teresa looked a little confused but then shrugged and showed us around the tiny apartment. It was small but clean and nicely furnished with second-hand furniture. It looked like a palace to me.

  “Well, this is it. Rent is $1100 a month including utilities. The room is yours if you want it.”

  My breath caught at the sum she mentioned. How could I ever pay even half of that amount without hooking or stealing? But Gabriel was nodding like that was completely fine, so I nodded as well, still trying to act casual.

  “I have a cat,” I said, sure that this would be an issue. “A kitten. She’s really good.”

  “Um, okay. That door has access to the backyard, but it’s not fenced in or anything if that’s okay?”

  “You’re still offering me the room?” I asked, amazed.

  Somehow I was sure that she’d see through me and decide she didn’t want me for a roommate. Or Lolly.

  “Yeah, you’re the least crazy person who’s answered the ad,” she laughed. “I like cats and you have a Catholic priest to vouch for you—I think we’re good.”

  I desperately wanted to say yes and have a place of my own, but eleven-hundred a month seemed like a fortune: or 2,200 blow jobs, to put it another way.

  “She’ll take it,” said Gabriel after glancing at me. “Here’s the deposit and rent for the first month,” and he handed her a bundle of notes.

  “Gabriel! You can’t afford that!” I gasped.

  “It’s only money, Blue. Spending it on a friend seems like a great idea to me.” Then he turned to Teresa who was watching us curiously. “So if you can forward the rent agreement to the rectory,” and he passed her a rectangular business card.

  “I’ll pay you back,” I muttered.

  Teresa smiled up at him, a faint blush on her coffee-and-cream complexion, and I could tell she was already under his spell. Join the line, girl.

  Once again, Gabriel was arranging my life and I should have been mad, but I wanted this chance so goddamn badly. I’d do what it would take to make it work.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Gabriel

  I paced around my room like I was a teenager, nervous about asking Blue out to dinner.

  But to be clear to her and to me, this wasn’t a date.

  Although I couldn’t help thinking that it felt like a date. I’d dressed up, felt nervous, and couldn’t wait to see her.

  Well, to be honest, the last time I went on an actual date, I was a teenager.

  As an adult, I’d just hooked up with women, countless women whose faces now blended together. Before Luke died, we had partied our asses off. But after, I’d drowned myself in liquor and women to numb the pain. Which was a lot less fun and a lot more self-destructive—pretty much the whole point.

  But tonight, I was going to take Blue to dinner, and tell her my decision about going to Mali. I needed to explain it to her, explain my reasoning.

  She wasn’t going to like it but she definitely deserved this. She deserved for me to be upfront and honest and not blindside her by leaving it any longer.

  It was the least I could do—for killing her father, for holding him in my arms as his life bled out of him, then abandoning her just as she was starting her new life. God, I really was an asshole.

  Please save me.

  And when I made that plea, I wasn't sure if it was God or Blue that I begged.

  I checked my email again but there was still no word from the bishop, which wasn’t unusual. He was a very busy man. I was certain that he would grant my sabbatical. But even so, I wished that he’d just get back to me so I could have a leaving date.

  When I would say goodbye to Blue.

  But for now, she was here. And she was on her way to start a great life without me. She would be moving into her new place in a week. I hoped I’d be there to help her, but I knew that if my plans moved fast, I could rely on Father Neil to do right by her.

  I tortured myself a little more by wondering what she’d be like if Luke had been in her life. What my relationship with her would have been like. Maybe I would’ve gotten married and had children of my own and Blue would be friends with my kids. I most certainly would not be lusting after Blue—I most likely would’ve helped raise her myself. Yeah, that thought made me cringe, so I twisted away from the idea. Would Blue be going away to school if Luke was alive? Would she have a serious boyfriend? A great job?

  Her world, Luke’s world, and my world were filled with painful what-ifs. I’d driven myself crazy since he died imagining how the world would be with him it. Throwing Blue into the mix made it even more painful and unbearable for me. And more hopeful, too.

  But tonight, I’d make a supreme effort to blank those thoughts from my brain. I wouldn’t think about any of that. Tonight, I was going to take her out. And show her how a woman should be treated.

  As a father figure, of course.

  This is not a date.

  I checked myself out in the mirror. I’d put on my best suit, shaved, and even worn a crisp, navy-blue tie.

  This is not a date.

  My double standards were legion.

  This is not a date.

  Liar, liar.

  I went to Blue’s room and knocked quietly on the door.

  She opened it quickly, and her eyes widened when she saw me.

  “Gabriel! Why are you dressed like that? You look ...”

  “Thanks, Blue,” I laughed. “That was the goal. Now get dressed—wear your nicest clothes.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m taking you out, that’s why. We’re going upscale. Just because we can’t be … intimate anymore, doesn’t mean we can’t spend time together. As frien
ds. And after everything that has happened between us, I think I owe you that. And we have a lot to talk about.”

  I don’t think she wanted to hear that last part because Blue’s lower lip began to quiver and she wiped her eyes. “Are you serious? No one has ever taken me anywhere nice. Like ever.”

  My chest constricted. How could I show her she was worthy of love and respect? Of kindness? Of friendship? And I was well aware that list was definitely not the way I’d treated her at the start. Well, from now on, things would be different.

  “I know. And I’m sorry. But let’s not think about the past. We’ve been focused on your past and my past for so long—it’s exhausting. God is good. We live in a beautiful city. Let’s just have a good time.”

  A good time I can remember you by.

  A smile graced Blue’s face. She really was stunning and she really didn’t know it.

  “Okay. Give me ten minutes. And I’ll meet you by your car. So no one sees us leaving together.”

  I laughed uncomfortably. If we weren’t doing anything wrong, why were we both sneaking around? It’s just dinner.

  I sighed. She reminded me so much of Luke. Sometimes, hanging out with Blue made me think that I had my old buddy back. How could they be so alike? Their blood was strong.

  As she’d suggested, I snuck down and waited in my car. She opened the door fifteen minutes later, and I had to catch my breath. She’d styled her hair and was wearing makeup, natural shades that highlighted her beauty, not the garish colors she’d worn when we first met.

  “Blue, you are truly beautiful.”

  She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Thank you! I’m really excited. Where are we going?”

  “Well, I made reservations at Addison. It’s the best restaurant in San Diego.”

  “Addison? I heard of that place. Isn’t it super expensive?”

  “Not really.” Yes. “I haven’t had a nice dinner like that in ages,” or ever. “I want to share it with you.” I turned to Blue, suddenly desperate to kiss her, but I settled with just holding her hand. “Blue, tonight can we just pretend that I’m your friend? That I’m not a priest. That I’m just a man. I won’t touch you—I have vowed not to. Again. But I just want to remember this night as something simple and pure. Something good.” Once I’m gone and you’ve moved on.

  She frowned. “We are good. You are good.” I must have looked skeptical because she just rolled her eyes. “Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s go.”

  I drove to the restaurant and stopped in front of the valet. There was a Bentley, a Bugatti, and a McLaren parked out front, so my beater was definitely out of place. But Blue looked like a million bucks, so she fit right in.

  The valet stared at my car in disbelief but one quick look at my expression and muttered, “Yes, sir,” and rattled off to the parking lot at the rear.

  Blue giggled but then seemed intimidated as the doorman greeted us and the hostess led us to our table. This place was so opulent … and romantic. Shit! I might not have thought this through! Once again, I’d steamrollered ahead with an idea, with a desire, not stopping to think of the consequences. Where was my legendary control? Why did I keep getting this so wrong?

  Blue’s eyes sparkled as she marveled at the ornate interior, crystal chandeliers, and grand fireplace, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

  The waiter came and gave us our menus and Blue’s eyes widened.

  “What is all this stuff? Yuzu? Daikon? Hamachi?”

  I smiled. “No idea,” I lied. “We could just get the tasting menu and try everything.”

  “But it’s ten courses! That’s insane.”

  I loved her innocence. What would it be like to show her the world?

  But there was no ‘us’. She was too young to settle down. And I wouldn’t give up the cloth.

  Not even for her.

  I ordered for us both: the tasting menu and the wine pairing. Only the best for Blue.

  “Gabriel, this place is so expensive. You didn’t have to do this for me. I don’t deserve it.”

  “Don’t say that!” I said harshly, then softened my voice. “Don’t ever say that. You deserve everything. A man who treats you like a princess and takes you here on your birthday. Saves his hard-earned money for you and spoils you. But that man isn’t me, we both know that.” I looked in her eyes. I had to tell her. Now. “Blue, there’s something I want to tell you.”

  Her lashes flew up. “No! Wait. Let me go first. I have something to say, too.”

  “No, Blue, listen. I have to tell y—”

  “I love you, Gabriel.”

  My mouth snapped shut and every unfaithful word turned to dust on my tongue. She loved me? Why are you testing me, Lord? Hasn’t she suffered enough? Haven’t I? But only silence met my desperate, terrified plea. I couldn’t tell her I was leaving now. Not after she said that.

  I opened my mouth to tell her that she mustn’t, couldn’t love me. I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t right for her, I wasn’t good—I wasn’t good enough. But as I tried to speak, my other truth broke free, the truth.

  “I love you, too.”

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Mariana

  My phone rang two hours after I’d gone to bed but I hadn’t been able to sleep.

  After my confession and Gabriel’s acknowledgement, his admission that he loved me, too, we sat there like a couple of kids, hand in hand, smiling foolishly, smiling guiltily, smiling sadly.

  I hadn’t known there could be so many smiles in the world, and all different. It changed everything and it changed nothing. There was still a canyon of impossibility between us. So we just sat there, smiling, eating and drinking, and keeping the world away from us for just a little longer.

  We drove home in silence, holding hands. And Gabriel’s touch was everything, and when we said goodnight and he finally let go my hand, that shouted louder than any words. He let go my hand. And now it was time for me to let go, too. To set Gabriel free. Free from guilt, free from temptation, free from me.

  My phone rang again, and I almost ignored it when I saw that it was Juanita, but instinct told me that she was in trouble.

  “Neeta? ‘Sup?”

  There was a long groan. “Blue, Blue, I fucked up. I think I took some bad shit. I need … Blue…”

  I sat up, suddenly wide awake.

  “Fuck’s sake, Neeta! Are you at the house? Neeta?”

  The call hadn’t disconnected but she wasn’t answering either. I jumped out of bed, senses buzzing like I’d been zapped by a lightning bolt. Should I call emergency services? Definitely not the cops. I decided that if I took Gabriel’s car, I’d get there quicker than an ambulance into that neighborhood.

  But Gabriel wasn’t in his room, he was sitting in the library drinking whiskey with Father Neil.

  “Blue, what’s wrong?”

  “My friend, Juanita, she’s in trouble. Can I take your car?”

  “I’ll drive you,” he said instantly, fumbling in his pants’ pockets for his keys. “No way you’re heading into an unknown situation without backup.”

  “Gabriel, you’ve been drinking,” said Father Neil, looking worried.

  “Gimme the keys! I’ll drive!” I ordered. Gabriel tossed them to me then followed me outside. “What are you doing?”

  “Making sure you have backup,” he snapped.

  I didn’t have time to argue, but floored his piece of crap and we skidded out into the night.

  By bus, the six-mile journey took an hour—I made it in nine minutes—a hellish nine minutes that felt like ninety, with visions of Neeta dying in front of my eyes. I kept my phone in my hand, but halfway through the journey, the call dropped. I tossed it to Gabriel to keep re-dialing, but he only got the busy tone.

  Gabriel looked tense and was sobering up fast. He’d changed out of his fancy suit and was wearing jeans and a worn t-shirt. His five o’clock shadow was already showing and he looked dangerous. I was very happy that he was on my side.
/>   When we reached my old squat, recently downgraded to meth house, it was dark. I’d expected lights, music, a party, but it was silent.

  “You sure this is the place?” Gabriel asked, eyeing the boarded up front door, broken windows and weed-filled yard.

  “Yeah, it’s where I was living before … you.” I dialed Neeta’s phone but got the busy signal again. “She’s still not answering.”

  “What sort of trouble do you think she’s in?”

  I grimaced. “She said she’d taken some bad shit, I don’t really know. I’d better go in.”

  “I’ll come with you.”

  But at that moment, a pimped-up car filled with gangbangers pulled up outside the house. I recognized one of the guys—Diego, the little shit who’d hit on me at the park.

  “Fuck,” Gabriel breathed out. “I need to talk to them. Look, go find your friend and if she’s unconscious, call 911. Don’t take any chances. I’ll be right behind you.”

  I didn’t answer but made my way to the back of the house, using my cell phone as a flashlight.

  When I pushed open the back door and walked inside, Juanita was slumped against the wall, vomit staining her clothes, blood seeping from her nostrils, and her eyes glazed and wide open.

  “No! No no no no! Neeta, why? I told you and told you to stay away from that shit!”

  I crouched down on the filthy floor, pressing my fingers to her neck, searching for a pulse, but there was nothing. Nothing. Just her skinny body and dirty clothes. No sign left of the girl who used to dance around in juvie to Ricky Martin, the girl who’d had hopes and dreams.

  This was just a used-up meth-head.

  She was a dumb bitch, but she didn’t deserve this.

  “Just say no. Right, Blue?”

  The voice sent shivers through my entire body and I swung around, knowing immediately that I’d been set up.

  Sitting in a kitchen chair watching Neeta’s unmoving body was Cornelius.

  “Got tired of waiting, Blue. I didn’t like seeing you shacked up with that interfering God-botherer.” He moved faster than a snake, shooting his wrist out and grabbing me by my hair. I lashed out but he backhanded me across my face so hard, he knocked a tooth loose and blood filled my mouth. “I told you, but you didn’t listen, bitch. You’re mine, just like your mama.”