Father Figure

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  “But you can say you’re sorry! Surely they’ll forgive you? Isn’t that what it’s all about, forgiveness?”

  My voice was starting to rise, and Gabriel gripped my hand gently.

  “Blue, it’s over. I’ve gone too far. Gotta take my punishment now.”

  I gripped his arm, fingernails biting into his bare flesh.

  “No! It’s not fair! You’re a good priest! You’re kind and caring and you believe in all of it—you love your church, it means everything to you! Just tell the bishop you’re sorry and that you won’t do it again! Tell him it’s my fault, that I seduced you, that I’m bad. I’ll go away, you’ll never see me again! Tell him it’s all my fault—he’ll believe that! Tell him!”

  “It wouldn’t be true,” he said, smiling sadly at me. “You and me—that’s not allowed. I broke my vows. I didn’t see you coming. I didn’t think I’d ever meet a woman that I … that I’d risk it all for. There was only one way this was going to end. In some ways, it’s a relief that it’s over.”

  I studied his eyes, the serenity in his face, and knew that he spoke the truth. Gabriel always spoke the truth.

  “W-what will you do?”

  He shook his head slowly and laughed softly. “I’ll find work.” Then he gripped my hand. “But promise me nothing will change for you. Move in with Teresa, go to school, get your degree and make your life better. You’re an amazing girl … an amazing woman, and I know you’re going to do great things.”

  Tears threatened and my throat started to burn. I will not cry.

  “Are you leaving me?”

  He sighed. “We were never meant to be, Blue. I’d do anything to keep you safe, but I’m the one fucking things up for you. I’m a goddamn mess—you don’t need that around you when you’re just starting out. I’m worthless.”

  “No! You’re everything! You’re the only person who ever truly cared about me. You saved my life, and you made me want to live, too. You make me want to be good—I just don’t know how, I need you!”

  “Ah, Blue, you’re good, you are,” he said gently stroking my uninjured cheek. “But God forgive me, I should never have touched you. I believed I was saved to do His work, but now…”

  “God has saved you, Gabriel. He sent you to me, and when I prayed to him to save you, he did—now we can be together. You’re worth saving, Gabriel. And I promise I’ll do everything, anything. Just don’t leave me!”

  But I knew that I was losing the battle—in his heart, he’d already gone.

  Back at the rectory, Gabriel went to find Father Neil, and they locked themselves in the library. Mrs. O’Cee was in the kitchen, her hair standing on end as if she’d just tumbled out of bed, which was probably the case.

  “Dear child!” she wheezed, pulling me into her arms and hugging me tightly. “Father Neil told me everything!”

  He doesn’t know everything, I thought sadly as I pressed my face into her floral robe that smelled of lavender.

  “Gabriel saved me,” I whispered.

  “Thank God,” she whispered, “Dear Lord, thank you for sending Father Gabriel to save this child,” and she tightened her arms around me.

  Shudders filled my body and shameful tears leaked from my eyes. Mrs. O’Cee, that dear, sweet, gossipy old lady, hugged me tighter than anyone ever had, rocking me and stroking my hair. I felt so guilty, guilty that I was breaking up the place she called home. It was exactly what I’d planned from the start, and exactly what I didn’t want anymore.

  Slowly, I pulled away from her, wiping my eyes with the back of my hands.

  “There’s something you don’t know,” I whispered.

  She crossed herself three times. “That evil man didn’t … touch you, did he?”

  I blinked, confused for a split second who she was talking about.

  “Not that,” I said at last. “No, not that, but … you’ll hear it soon from Father Miguel Angel…”

  “Hush, child, I know. Father Neil told me all about it, how Father Gabriel killed that man. God forgive me, but that evil-doer deserved it and…”

  “No, not that,” I said softly. “Afterwards … at the church…” She looked confused and I couldn’t meet her concerned gaze. “Gabriel … and me … we … we … we made love. Father Miguel Angel saw us…”

  I heard her gasp and looked up slowly. She was staring at me in shock, then her gaze softened and she took my hand, squeezing it tightly.

  “I love him,” I gasped, “and now he’s in real bad trouble. It’s all my fault! All my fault!”

  “Ah, child, I was afeared of that. I told myself I was seeing things. God forgive me, I should have spoken up sooner.”

  “What?”

  She touched my bandaged cheek gently. “Mariana, it was as plain as the nose on your pretty face that Father Gabriel was head-over-heels for you. I was less sure how you felt, so I didn’t think it would come to anything, but I can see how in the heat of the moment, after everything you’ve been through … well, he may be a priest, but he’s also a man and...”

  “It wasn’t just in the heat of the moment,” I said quietly, lifting my chin to meet her eyes, “and it wasn’t the first time.”

  Her mouth opened and closed like a fish, and then she sat down heavily in one of the kitchen chairs.

  “Ah,” she said.

  That was all. Just ‘Ah’.

  I couldn’t bear her silence. “Do you hate me now?”

  She pressed a linen handkerchief to her eyes, wiping her tears and shaking her head.

  “I love him,” I repeated weakly.

  “I dare say you do, child,” she sighed. “Poor Father Gabriel. I’ll pray for you both. And no, I don’t hate you, child.”

  She patted my hand then stood shakily and left the room, closing the door silently behind her.

  I sat alone at the kitchen table, lost in my thoughts as the sun rose higher in the sky. I was bone tired but knew I couldn’t sleep.

  Finally, Father Neil appeared in the kitchen and sat opposite me, his warm eyes full of sadness.

  “How are you, Mariana?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. How’s Gabriel?”

  Father Neil’s lips tightened. “He’s gone to see the bishop. They’ll decide … what to do with him.”

  I glanced up sharply, his words cutting through my weary apathy.

  “What does that mean? What can they do to him?”

  He rubbed his forehead. “Mariana, he’s broken his vow of celibacy and not just once, from what I understand. He fornicated in front of the altar. He’s involved in the death of a pimp, and ah, sleeping with a woman who used to be, well, you know...” He paused painfully. “The Church has had too many scandals—they can’t afford to be seen to brush this under the carpet, too.”

  Father Neil looked away and cleared his throat.

  “And Gabriel hasn’t been popular with some in high office: they think he’s too newsworthy because of having been a SEAL, and they think his work with the gangs takes away from his sacred duties to serve the Church.” He sighed. “They’ll make an example of him. But I also suspect they’ll want to get him out of San Diego as quickly as possible.”

  I blanched. “But why? If they won’t let him be a priest, then he can do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants … be with me. Why would he go away?”

  “I know this is hard for you to understand since you weren’t born in the Catholic faith, but Father Gabriel has committed a mortal sin: the matter is grave and he committed it with full knowledge, with deliberate and complete consent. If he promised to repent and mean it, the Sacrament of Penance could bring him back to a state of grace, but Gabriel says … well, he says that he loves you and that he’d do it again. Therefore, he cannot be forgiven.” Father Neil paused. “Neither can he forgive himself. He is wounded spiritually.”

  A cold sweat broke out all over my body. “What’s going to happen to him?”

  Father Neil stared down at his clasped hands. “I don’t know. But I�
�ll pray for him. And I’ll pray for you, too, Mariana.”

  “Don’t bother,” I said bitterly. “I don’t want your prayers.”

  And I left him sitting in silent misery at the kitchen table.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Gabriel

  You lose.

  My hands shook as I tossed water on my face. The eyes that peered out were black and tortured, but the face that stared back at me was calm and empty. I was about to leave my job and my home.

  And rightfully so. I deserved everything that was coming to me.

  The humiliation of being caught was an even harder pill to swallow.

  In 24 hours, I’d lost everything that I’d worked for in the past ten years.

  Even worse, I’d lost my identity. I had once been a Navy SEAL. I had once been a Catholic priest.

  And in a few hours, I would be nothing again.

  Just a fool. A weak man.

  We’d been caught red-handed like guilty teenagers in the back of dad’s car. At the altar no less—an act so disrespectful that my stomach churned just thinking about it. What the fuck was wrong with me? In the span of a single night, I’d murdered a man and fucked a girl in my church.

  Was I some sort of psychopath? Some might think so, but my conscience was heavy, almost too heavy to keep on carrying.

  And I was such a cliché—the straight priest that couldn’t resist temptation. Just like Adam. Or a man who had killed his brother. Just like Cain.

  I glanced down at the Press article that Father Miguel Angel had thoughtfully printed from the web for me. They’d gotten hold of the scandal so quickly it could only have been Mikki’s farewell gift to me. He really hated me now, hated what I’d become.

  The headline screamed:

  SEAL Priest in Sex Scandal

  Father Oh Em Gee!

  But it hadn’t just been temptation. It hadn’t just been lust—I loved Blue. Hell, I still love her.

  That didn’t matter. My love was a toxic poison. Around her, I threw out all caution and acted like an animal. I was no good for her. Now that I would no longer be a priest, Blue might think that we could actually be together. That we could share a life.

  But that would ruin her.

  Just like I’d ruined myself.

  I had to get as far away from Blue as possible. I had to set her free.

  I owed it to her. I owed it to Luke.

  So now, in my darkest hour, I was going to do the hardest thing I had ever done.

  I was going to say goodbye to the only woman I’d ever loved.

  For her, I’d broken my covenant with God.

  For her, I’d destroyed my own life.

  But it wasn’t her fault.

  No. It was all mine.

  And I would live with this guilt, just like I lived with the guilt of killing her father. Until my dying breath.

  I picked up the phone and called my bishop. He answered on the first ring and agreed to see me urgently.

  I drove to his office which was in the most beautiful church in all of San Diego. I parked my car and prayed in the garden in front of the Virgin Mary. Was I really able to leave my world behind? No choice.

  Bishop Quincy greeted me with a severe look and a heavy sigh. He was a compassionate man, but he was also my judge and jury today.

  “Son, the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I’ve seen the headlines on the internet, but I’d like to hear it in your own words.”

  I exhaled. Now was the time to tell him the truth. “Bishop, I have sinned. Grievously. I have fornicated with a woman. And I was caught. I am deeply sorry for my lack of self-control and the shame I have brought on the Church. For what it’s worth, I do love her.”

  The bishop shook his head and clasped his hands together, sorrow settling in the deep creases of his face. Guilt pressed down on me, but the bishop spoke softly.

  “You’re not the first, Gabriel, but we need to remove you from the situation if you’re to stay in the Priesthood.”

  Stay?

  “I’m sorry, Bishop Quincy. I’m afraid I don’t understand. You’re offering me a chance to stay?”

  “Yes, son, I am. You’re wonderful priest. We all fail. We could assign you somewhere overseas, perhaps on a mission. And once you return, you’d be assigned a new parish. But you must never see the woman again.”

  Blue. My love.

  “I appreciate the offer, Bishop Quincy, I really do. I’m profoundly grateful for your mercy, but I’ve prayed hard since … since it happened. And I’ve made the decision to leave the Church.”

  His eyebrows raised. “For the woman?”

  “In a way. I can’t serve with certainty in my soul knowing that she’s in my heart. I won’t be with her, but even so, I’d like you to perform the laicization ceremony.”

  “Are you sure, Father Gabriel? Why don’t you take some time to think about it before you decide? Pray on it.”

  My eyes met his.

  “I have prayed, and this is my answer.”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Mariana

  I was almost too late. I’d been listening out for Gabriel to return, so when I heard someone in his room, I ran down the stairs expecting to see him. Instead, Mrs. O’Cee was carefully folding his clothes into a battered old duffel bag, the same one that he’d had in the Navy.

  “What’s going on? Where’s Gabriel?”

  Mrs. O’Cee shook her head. “Father Miguel Angel wouldn’t let him back in the rectory before he goes away. So I said I’d pack his bag for him.”

  “What? Go away where? What did the bishop say?”

  Mrs. O’Cee sat heavily on Gabriel’s bed, dabbing at her eyes with a damp handkerchief. “Father Gabriel … he’s chosen to leave the priesthood. But God save me, I can’t not think of him as Father Gabriel. I’ve known him for seven years and he’s no longer a priest.” She sniffed and dabbed at her eyes again. “He’s offered to go quickly to keep the scandal to the minimum. No matter what, he still loves his church, he cares about his parishioners and how they’ll suffer for his sins. The bishop suggested that he volunteered at one of their missions, and Fath— Gabriel said a friend needed his help at a water aid charity in Africa. He’s going away! He’s leaving us!” and she gripped the handkerchief, twisting it in her crooked fingers. “Father Neil is driving him to the airport. I’m sorry for you, child. Truly sorry.”

  “Wait! I don’t understand any of this! Where’s this mission? Where’s he going? I’ll go with him!”

  She shook her head. “Ah, they wouldn’t allow that. And besides, they’re sending him to Mali. I had to look it up—it sounds like a dangerous place and definitely no place for a girl like you. One of Father Gabriel’s friends has been funding charity work over there. He’s going to join them.”

  Africa? Mali? I’d never even heard of Mali. A girl like me. And what was that?

  “I have to see him!” I begged her. “I have to!”

  She pressed her lips together. “It’s not up to me. I wish I could say otherwise, but it’s not. But will you help me pack his bag?”

  “Pack? He’s leaving now? Right now?”

  Tears glistened in her faded eyes, and her honest face crumpled.

  “I’m sorry, child.”

  Wordlessly, I helped her empty Gabriel’s drawers and closet, realizing for the first time how few things he possessed—some clothes, none new; his running shoes and walking boots, socks, belt, briefs. I stroked the soft material and placed them all in the seabag.

  “What shall I do with these?” Mrs. O’Cee murmured, half to herself.

  I looked up to see that she was staring at a box with several medals in it, the metal shiny, the ribbons bright.

  “Perhaps Father Neil will look after them for him.”

  I wanted to say that I’d take them, but I wasn’t sure if Gabriel would want that.

  She made a small pile of things for Father Neil to take and I boxed them up: several books, a few photographs of him in the Navy,
and his medals. When she wasn’t looking, I stole a photograph of Gabriel with my father. I was keeping that, no matter what anyone said.

  When we’d finished, his seabag was so heavy, we couldn’t lift it off the bed, so Father Neil had to help, the three of us sweating and grunting, as we pushed the darn great thing down the stairs where it thudded against the front door.

  To my relief, I saw that Gabriel was waiting outside, sitting on the hood of Father Neil’s car, frowning, deep in thought. He looked up when his seabag slid down the stairs, picking it up easily in one hand and tossing it into the trunk.

  “You weren’t going to say goodbye?” I accused, my voice trembling.

  His expression was resigned. “I don’t know how.”

  We stared at each other, so much to say, but no way to say it; no words that could fill the miles that were growing between us.

  “Will you come back?”

  “I don’t know. One day. But, Blue, don’t wait for me. I don’t want you to waste your life waiting for me.”

  I stared at him emptily. “It’s my life, Gabriel. And I don’t think waiting for you is a waste.”

  He hung his head. “You’re so young…”

  “Stop it!” I snapped. “I’m a full grown woman and I know what I want. I want you. You think you have to do penance for lov— for being with me. Well, I don’t accept that but I know that you think you’ve done wrong. So I’ll wait for you to come to your senses … and I’ll wait for you to come back to me. Come back to me, Gabriel.”

  I stepped away, giving him the space to hug Mrs. O’Cee. The old lady was in tears and Father Neil wasn’t far off it either. My eyes were dry. I had nothing to cry for. I knew what I wanted and I was prepared to wait.

  Gabriel Thorne would come home to me. I was sure of it.

  He turned to me once more, a small smile on his face, then he tossed me his car keys. I caught them shakily, pressing them against my chest.