Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye

by Lois Lowry

Page 20

 

  March 3rd.

  I wonder when it will show. I quit cheerleading, just on general principles. And when Tim calls, I tell him I cant go out. Its crummy, missing out on fun. But I dont feel right, dating, under the circumstances. I cant get up the nerve to tell my parents.

  March 5th.

  I stopped to see Dr. Therrian. He had called Terry. He said Terry is sad, scared, and very immature. That it really would be best to give the baby up. I guess until he told me that, I still thought that maybe Terry and I would get married. But I dont think I wanted to.

  March 10th.

  I told Mom and Daddy. They both cried. They got angry. Then they said they loved me and would help me through it.

  April 30th.

  One more month of school, and I still dont show. I think I can make it till school ends, if I wear the right clothes. Dr. Therrian says its because Im tall, that sometimes tall women dont get all bulky the way others do. The baby is due in September. Mom and Daddy thought I should go away for the summer. I dont know.

  May 23rd.

  Ive only gained nine pounds. No one knows, except me, Mom and Daddy, Dr. Therrian, and of course, Terry, but I havent heard from him at all. Sometimes . . . this is weird . . . I actually like the feeling of having a baby growing. I can feel it move.

  June 10th.

  Thank God school is over. Im really starting to get big. Ive decided to stay here for the summer, just at home. Mom and Daddy are going to tell everyone that Ive gone back to Detroit for the summer, but actually Im just going to stay here in the house. Its private. I can sunbathe and stuff, but I wont have to see people. Doc Therrian says hell come to the house now and then for checkups. When I have to go to the hospital, of course, the secret will be blown. The nurses there will probably tell someone. But by then it wont really matter. Mom and Daddy said I dont have to go back to school here. I can go away and start all over.

  June 22nd.

  Doc Therrian says Im very, very healthy, that I will have a fine baby. It feels very strong. It kicks against my insides. I wonder if its a boy or a girl. Funny, I can barely remember Terry at all. He went out to Colorado to work, this summer, Doc said. I guess thats best.

  June 24th.

  I wonder if I get to name the baby. I hope so. If its a girl, Ill name it Juliet. Sort of after me, but more romantic. I dont know about a boy. Id kind of like to name a boy for my father . . . but Clement? Ugh. Or for Doc Therrian, whos been so great . . . but Clarence? Double ugh. Well, Ill just hope its a girl. Probably I wont get to choose the name anyway.

  July 30th.

  Its so hot. And Im so huge. When my mother looks at me, she cries, sometimes. Theyve enrolled me in a fancy boarding school for next year. Miss Somebodys.

  August 1st.

  Good news! Doc Therrian says theyve found a terrific family who wants to adopt my baby! They wont tell me who, of course. In fact, Doc doesnt know. But its being set up with a lawyer, and Doc said that the parents are terrific people, according to the lawyer, and that they cant have a baby of their own.

  Later

  When I wrote that, I thought it was good news. Now, the more I think about it, the more I think I dont want anyone else to have my baby. It is mine. Maybe theres some way I could keep it. Wed be just fifteen years apart. It would be like having a brother or a sister.

  August 8th.

  Its weird, being here at the house all summer, with no one knowing. Doc Therrian comes often. He pretends its a medical visit . . . he always brings his stethoscope . . . but mostly we just sit and talk. We both read a lot, and we talk about books. Or just anything. He tells me about when he was a boy, in Simmons Mills. Can you imagine living in a place like this, all your life? And we talk about the baby. He says it wouldnt be fair for me to keep it. Not fair to the baby. Funny, I wasnt thinking about the baby, just about myself. Hes right, I guess. Those other people are waiting. I wonder if theyve bought little clothes.

  August 29th.

  I feel strange. I keep having pains, and then they turn out to be nothing.

  September 10th.

  School started in Simmons Mills. What a strange feeling. All the kids think I am off at boarding school. I can see, sometimes, the Hartley twins riding down the hill on their bikes, heading for the high school in the mornings. If their mother knew how fast they go, shed kill them. Coming home, they have to get off and walk, pushing their bikes. Hah. I dont think Id be able to walk up that hill now if you paid me a million dollars.

  September 13th.

  Ive had pains off and on all day. Doc says this is probably it. Im scared stiff. One thing I made him promise. That theyll let me see the baby, and hold it, before they take it away.

  September 15th.

  Its a girl a girl a girl a girl! I havent seen her yet, but they told me I will. I was asleep when she was born. Doc Therrian gave me something at the hospital, and the last thing I remember is when they were wheeling me down the hall to the delivery room. Mom leaned over and kissed me. Doc was holding my hand and walking beside the stretcher. When I woke up I was thin again, and achy all over, and Doc was there smiling, and said it was a girl, and shes fine. Im so tired.

  September 17th.

  I dont care what Doc says, it isnt fair, it isnt. I could keep her. I could get a job, and have an apartment somewhere, and earn enough so that we could live.

  Oh, I know, thats stupid, but I just feel so sad. This morning a lawyer came, with the papers. I hated him. Doc was there, and my parents, and we all talked, and before I signed my name, the lawyer said several times, "Now youre sure this is what you want to do?" Why did he keep asking? Of course Im not sure. But in the end I signed where he showed me. Mom and Daddy signed, too. And then Doc attached another sheet of paper that had Terrys signature, all the way from Colorado. Funny. Terry has never written to me. I wonder if hes as miserable as I am about this.

  When they had all left, I cried. After a minute Doc Therrian came back in the room, and he put his arms around me and held me. And he cried, too.

  September 18th.

  Tomorrow Im going home. So is the baby, wherever her home will be. Oh, I hope they have a little cradle ready for her, and a pink blanket, and lots of bright-colored toys. Tomorrow, Doc says, I can see her, to say goodbye.

  September 19th.

  I was all dressed, ready to leave, waiting for Mom to come and get me. And the baby was all dressed, too, in clothes that Mom had bought, when they brought her in. They left me alone with her for just a few minutes.

  She is so beautiful that when I saw her, I cried.

  Then I didnt want her to remember me (do they remember, that little? I dont know) crying, so I smiled at her, and kissed her on the cheek, and said goodbye. Ill never see her again. I guess the thing I hope most for her is that shell be happy, and never know what its like to be lonely.

  31

  IT WAS what her mother had written, too, to Tallie. "She is so beautiful that when I saw her, I wept. "

  Do they remember? Julie had asked her diary. No. I dont remember, Natalie thought. If I could, what would I remember? Being taken from Julie, dressed in the clothes that Julies mother had bought, taken by whom? Probably Dr. Therrian—delivered to Foster Goodwins office, and picked up there by Mom and Dad. It wasnt a bad thing. Julie loved me. It was a little-girl, selfish kind of love, the same kind of thing I used to feel for my favorite toys, so that I wouldnt share them with Nancy; or like what I felt for that kitten I had once. I was jealous when it purred and butted against someone else, wanting to be petted; it seemed so important that it be only mine. But Julie did love me.

  And my parents loved me then, even on that first day when they drove that long road to a strange place to bring me home. Not in the same way Julie did. "She will be her own person," Mom had written about me to Tallie. Mom and Dad have always loved me that way, so that they always let me purr against other people, didnt grab me back and say "Shes ours. " I
never realized it until I read what Julie wrote when I was born; she cried—and what she wrote, finally, was "the thing I hope most for her is that shell be happy"—but Julie was so young. She really wanted to hold on tight to me, saying "Mine" the way a child does to a favorite doll, until the doll, sometimes, is broken. She was just old enough that she realized she had to let go, not old enough to know why. And it was the doctor who helped her do it.

  Dr. Therrian. I think he loved me, too, when I was born. I wonder why. Dad cares for his patients, many of them in very special ways, but he doesnt love them the way Dr. Therrian seemed to love Julie and her baby. Because he was lonely, and Julie seemed to be, too?

  And now he is more alone than he has ever been, dying. Or dead. I should call Anna Talbot and ask about him.

  George, the green-uniformed doorman, recognized Natalie. "Another note?" he asked, smiling at her when she appeared in front of the apartment on 79th Street.

  "No," she said. "Mrs. Hutchinsons expecting me. "

  George opened the door to the building, took her to the brass cage of an elevator, and pressed the button for the sixth floor. When the door unfolded itself at six, Natalie found herself in a small foyer with a parquet floor; large plants sat in thick woven baskets in the corners. The only door was massive and dark, with a polished brass knob. Natalie knocked timidly, and it was Julie who answered.

  She was dressed in spotless white slacks and a bulky white cowl-necked jersey; there was a heavy gold bracelet on her right wrist, and her hair was braided in a thick dark coil that was looped into a knot at her neck. For the second time in two days, Natalie had left the hotel feeling chic and lovely and been transformed into tacky awkwardness when she greeted Julie.

  "What a lovely suit," Julie said graciously, looking at Natalies bright red linen. "Come in, come in. "

  The spacious living room was airy and pale, its walls stark white, the carpet hazy beige, and the few, carefully placed pieces of furniture shades of white, beige, and yellow. On one wall, a lighted painting hung alone; Natalie recognized the ephemeral light and the indistinct brush-strokes of it as an impressionists. It fitted with the room. So did Julie. Natalie felt like a bright red blotch; she wished she had worn her yellow dress.

  "Sit down. " Julie smiled, seating herself in front of the small table where tea things were already set out. "The boys will be in, in a moment. I want you to meet them. "

  They appeared in a doorway, silent and shy, two of them dressed identically in blue cotton shorts and striped jerseys. Dark hair. Dark eyes. They didnt have Julies eyes, or Natalies.

  "Come in, boys, and be polite!" called Julie. "Natalie, this is Gareth—" the older boy came forward and held out his hand to shake Natalies—"and this is Cameron. Cam, take your thumb out. " The little boy took his thumb from his mouth, and held it, warm and wet, out to Natalies hand.

  "Hey," said Natalie, grinning. "Hi there. "

  "Who are you?" asked Gareth. Cameron had replaced his thumb.

  "Im Natalie. Im a friend of your moms. What are you guys doing this afternoon?"

  "Taking our bikes to the park," said Gareth, less shyly. "I have a new bike, with training wheels. Cam just has a tricycle. "

  "Bet youre pretty fast on your tricycle, arent you, Cam?" asked Natalie.

  Cameron smiled behind his thumb and nodded.