Degrees of Guilt

by H S Chandler

  By the time Cameron texted her, she had already dropped a moaning Daniyal at the childminder’s. He claimed to have stomach ache, but Lottie suspected it was more a case of knowing she was at home and doing his best to have the day with his mum. Not today, she told herself. She wasn’t giving in. It was time she started treating herself to some alone time.

  There was a moment when Lottie considered simply deleting Cameron’s text or turning off her mobile, but neither were long-term solutions. He wasn’t going to be put off that easily, and she was flattered. It was good to feel eighteen and free again, even if reality was much more complicated. The near miss with the Tabithas had left her shaken. Having Cameron by her side in the courtroom was as reassuring as it was physically distracting. The conflict inside her raged on. She just needed to be firm with him, that was all. Zain was away, Danny was being looked after, and she wanted some peace and quiet. She rang him.

  ‘Hey you,’ Cameron said brightly. ‘I wasn’t expecting to hear your voice. What are you up to?’

  ‘Not much. You?’

  ‘Trying to get yesterday out of my head and failing,’ he replied. ‘I just needed to talk about it. I don’t suppose you can escape into town for a while and meet up? We have to be able to find somewhere the Tabithas won’t spot us.’

  Lottie checked her watch. ‘Probably not a good idea,’ she said. ‘Zain’s away overnight. I’ve got to pick Daniyal up at five. Also, there’s no way we should risk being seen together in town. The Tabithas have eyes everywhere.’

  ‘Fair point,’ he said, ‘but I really would like to talk.’

  ‘We’re talking now,’ she laughed.

  ‘I know, but it’s not the same. Yesterday was … I don’t even know how to describe it.’

  ‘I know,’ Lottie said quietly. ‘I feel the same. It was hard to listen to. And her thighs …’

  ‘Don’t,’ Cameron sighed. ‘I couldn’t get them out of my head all evening. Please Lottie. I need you. If Zain’s away, why don’t we meet nearer to your house?’

  ‘Because then we’re likely to bump into someone I know from round here. Seriously Cam, I think it’s unwise.’ The thought of what might happen if they were alone together remained unspoken. Like a drug, having tasted it twice, she wasn’t sure she could deny herself it again. She did want to talk though. The trial was burning a hole in her mind, and no amount of hot baths or TV was going to distract her.

  ‘How about I bring food to you, then? At least that way we definitely won’t be seen in public. I’ll even park in the next road so no one sees my van. Give me an hour?’ Cameron asked. In the background Lottie could hear him pick up his keys.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she murmured. ‘It might be a bit weird.’

  ‘I’d suggest mine, only I’d need a week’s notice. I’m not the best at tidying since … you know.’

  Lottie jolted at the thought of him living alone in the space he’d once occupied with his fiancée, arriving home to the emptiness. ‘Sure,’ she said, making her mind up. ‘Come on over. My neighbours are all at work anyway but it might be better if you left the van out of the drive. See you in an hour then.’

  It was amazing that an hour could pass both so fast and so slowly. She checked her watch every five minutes, changing her clothes three times, redoing her hair, and putting on too much make-up then taking it off again, all the time telling herself nothing could happen between them. Or at least that nothing should happen between them. Assuring herself that she wasn’t so disloyal as to let Cameron touch her in the house she shared with Zain. He just wanted to talk about the case. She did, too. Damn Tabitha and the stupid rules. After court yesterday the jurors had said their goodbyes quietly, each one of them lost in their own thoughts. Even Cameron had been distracted and quiet. Lottie thought Jack had been close to tears. She had focused on getting back to Daniyal and looking after him, doing her best to block out the day. Now it was hard to think about anything else. It was just as well the judge had adjourned until tomorrow. Lottie wasn’t sure she was ready to set foot in the courtroom again just yet. The doorbell rang while she was still throwing make-up back in the bathroom drawer. She ran down to open up with butterflies in her stomach and a hesitant smile on her face.

  Cameron entered quickly, a plastic bag in each hand. ‘Hope you’re hungry. Which way’s the kitchen?’

  ‘How many people did you think you were feeding?’ she laughed, pointing along the hallway to the end. Cameron went ahead of her.

  ‘You know what it’s like. You pick up strawberries, then you see the raspberries, and before you know it a simple baguette and cheese lunch has turned into a royal banquet. So here you go, Your Majesty. All we need is plates and cutlery. No cooking required.’

  He was so thoughtful. The food was amazing, ideal for a summer lunch, and Daniyal would love finishing all the fresh fruit they couldn’t eat. How typical of Cameron to know instinctively what she would like.

  ‘So how are you feeling after yesterday?’ he asked, dipping a chunk of bread in hummus.

  ‘Actually I had a nightmare about it. The whole thing was so intense. Now I don’t know what I feel. When Maria Bloxham was talking I felt really sorry for her, but then when Miss Pascal was asking her questions, the defendant’s version of events started to sound ridiculous. How is it possible that she didn’t ever walk out? Whatever he’d threatened her with, did she really need to kill him? It’s kind of hard to understand how their whole life together ended in that one awful moment.’

  ‘But the skin on her legs … I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,’ Cameron said, pouring Lottie a glass of Prosecco.

  ‘Just a small glass,’ she said. ‘I have to drive later, remember?’

  ‘I can’t believe she’d have done that much damage to her skin if she hadn’t been massively unhappy for years. And remember the lock on his study door? I thought it was weird when we visited. No TV anywhere else in the house. No landline. What she said about her life made sense to me.’

  Lottie took a handful of grapes and some brie, sipping her drink as she thought about it. ‘The problem is that we haven’t heard any version except hers. The story that no one else ever went into their house gives her an excuse for smashing his skull in, and it means no one can contradict her. I did wonder what Dr Bloxham would have said about it, if he was still able to speak.’

  ‘I thought she seemed honest,’ Cameron said, selecting the largest of the strawberries and offering it across the table to Lottie. She bit into it, laughing as red juice dribbled down her chin.

  ‘Her scars though,’ she said, sobering up again as the memory hit her. ‘Surely you’ve got to be pretty disturbed to do that. Unbalanced. Maybe she is paranoid, like Miss Pascal suggested. What if Dr Bloxham kept a lock on his study door to have somewhere he could get away from her? What if she really couldn’t cope with the pressure of work and he was left with some reclusive wife who just never left the house? How the hell are we supposed to reach conclusions when the two options are polar opposites?’

  ‘I think if she was that crazy, her legal team would be running a defence that involved pleading she was insane or something. Their house might be worth a small fortune but it gave me the creeps. It was so empty. I reckon I’m a pretty good judge of character, and I thought he was a smug git on that hedgehog video. Can you imagine letting him touch you?’

  ‘Oh that’s gross, don’t say things like that!’

  ‘Why not? I think you need to be human about it. I’m not interested in what the lawyers say. I know how I feel, that’s what matters, right?’ Cameron ripped off a chunk of baguette and grabbed the butter.

  ‘Well, I’ve reached no conclusion about any of it yet. I seem to change my mind every hour. I guess I’m just hoping that somehow, by the end, it’ll be obvious who’s telling the truth.’

  Cameron smiled at her, wiping his hands on his jeans and walking around to her side of the table to kneel in front of her. ‘Let’s not think about it any more today. It’s our
day off and I say we’ve both earned it.’ He picked up her right hand and brushed his lips over her knuckles. ‘And although I promised myself that I was only coming here as a friend, seeing you sitting in the sunshine with strawberry juice on your lips, I know I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t kiss you.’

  ‘Cam …’ Lottie whispered as he slid his free hand into her hair and gently pulled her head towards his. ‘We shouldn’t,’ she added just before her lips found his. She pulled away after a few seconds. ‘This is my family home. I’m not comfortable.’ But his lips were warm and his body was hard. He was so full of life and exciting, completely at odds to the horrors of the case that was consuming them, and so very different to her conventional marriage.

  ‘It’s just bricks and mortar,’ Cameron said. ‘Family is people, not a place. Does Zain really feel like family to you right now?’

  No, Lottie thought, not prepared to go so far as to say it aloud.

  ‘Did you have this planned all along?’ she asked him.

  ‘Can we agree that it might have been in my subconscious?’ he grinned. ‘And maybe, if I’m honest, it’s lonely going back to an empty flat each night. Being with you makes me feel part of something again.’

  Lottie melted inside. She felt exactly the same. The gulf between her and Zain had been getting wider and wider.

  Cameron slid his arm around her back to bring their bodies closer together. Lottie tried to keep her body apart from his, but he was already between her legs, crushing her against him. His tongue was brushing against the tip of hers, exploring but not pushing, inviting but not intruding. She knew she should stop him. It was Zain’s house and Daniyal’s home. But Cameron’s hands were soft and warm, the tips of his nails running down her spine, making her arch her back and press her mouth more firmly against his.

  He pulled back, framing her face with his hands and staring into her eyes. ‘I can’t stop thinking about you,’ he said. ‘I’ve tried Lottie. I know you have a family, but I don’t know how to stay away from you.’

  ‘Me too,’ she said, tears filling her eyes. ‘It would have been easier if we’d never met.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ he murmured, gently wiping the droplets from her cheeks. ‘I’ll never regret finding you.’ He leaned forward and put his mouth against her neck just below her ear, brushing the delicate skin with his teeth, tasting her, as Lottie tipped her head back and let him consume her. She didn’t regret it either. How could she regret feeling this alive again? It was as if they were meant to be together. Fate was to blame.

  Cameron stood up, taking her gently by the hands so that she joined him.

  ‘Spare bedroom?’ he suggested.

  Lottie hesitated. Going with him into the spare bedroom meant passing Daniyal’s bedroom door. It would be half open, the way he always left it. Good Dog, his beloved cuddly toy, would be sitting on the end of his bed. His pyjamas would be folded on his pillow where she’d left them. The photo of her, Zain and Daniyal at a safari park would be smiling down from the wall.

  ‘I’d rather stay downstairs,’ she said, running one hand down Cameron’s arm, distracting herself from thoughts of her family with the knowledge of what lay beneath his shirt.

  Running his hands up from her hips, he gripped the edges of her top and inch by inch raised it, staring at the skin revealed beneath. Lottie swayed against him.

  ‘No, stay back there,’ he said. ‘I have to look at you. I want to burn every part of you into my brain.’

  Lottie let him look as if she were on a pedestal, loving the pure desire on his face.

  Her mobile rang.

  ‘Leave it,’ he said.

  ‘I can’t. I have responsibilities, remember? Just one minute.’ She dived into her handbag and grabbed the phone. The childminder was calling. ‘Yeah, hi. Everything okay?’

  ‘Not really. Daniyal says he feels sick. I was wondering, if you weren’t too busy, perhaps the best thing would be for you to collect him,’ the childminder said.

  ‘Has he actually been sick?’ Lottie asked.

  ‘Well no, but he is pale and …’

  Lottie rolled her eyes. Danny knew she was at home. She should have realised he’d try this. ‘Give it an hour and see if he perks up then,’ she suggested. ‘He’s probably just been jumping up and down too much.’

  ‘I don’t think that’s it,’ the childminder said. ‘He really is quite insistent.’

  Lottie looked at Cameron. If he weren’t there she’d have gone to fetch Danny in a heartbeat, but today …

  ‘Call me back if he gets any worse,’ Lottie said, adding, ‘and thanks for letting me know.’ She hung up.

  ‘Problem?’ Cameron asked.

  ‘Danny’s a bit off colour. I’m sure it’ll pass,’ she said, drowning her guilt in another mouthful of Prosecco.

  ‘Come here then,’ he said, pulling her back towards him and putting warm lips on her neck. Arms up,’ he ordered, tugging the pink cotton over her head and throwing it onto a chair. ‘If I could have created a woman from scratch, she’d have been you.’

  Lottie put her fingers on his top button.

  ‘One minute,’ he said, scrabbling in his pockets to remove his keys and mobile. ‘Let me just silence this thing.’ He pressed a couple of buttons and abandoned everything next to the sink. ‘Now, if I’m not mistaken, you were about to take my shirt off. Is that right?’

  ‘Maybe,’ Lottie laughed. ‘Did you have any objections?’

  ‘Only that you don’t do it too slowly. I’m not sure I can’t wait much longer to feel my body against yours,’ he grinned.

  She made quick work of his buttons, slipping the shirt from his shoulders, taking her time to enjoy the sight of him as much as he’d enjoyed her. Cameron grabbed her wrist, spinning her round so she was standing against the kitchen table, pushing her hair to one side and running his tongue up the nape of her neck, as he undid her bra strap and flicked the lace off her shoulders. Wrapping his left arm firmly around her waist, he stared down at her breasts from over her shoulders, sliding his right hand down her neck, along her collar bone, and over the upper swell to her nipple, circling the pink flesh until Lottie couldn’t stand it any more.

  ‘Let me turn round,’ she panted. ‘I want to touch you, too.’

  ‘Not yet,’ he said, moving his hand down to the button of her jeans, popping it open and following with the zip. Lottie looked down, watching his hands shifting the denim down over her hips, letting it fall from her thighs to the floor where she picked up each foot in turn and kicked her ankles free.

  ‘You still seem to be overdressed,’ Cameron laughed, dipping his fingertips gently beneath the silk of her panties. ‘You must be far too hot in those.’

  ‘You’re wearing a lot more clothes than me,’ Lottie replied, gasping as he ran his hand over the top of the material to explore between her legs. ‘How about we even things up a bit?’

  ‘I guess that’s only fair,’ he said, letting her twist in his arms to face him and strip off his jeans.

  ‘Seriously … no underwear? Were you that sure this was going to happen?’ Lottie shook her head.

  ‘Nothing like that, just too warm for layers, that’s all. Speaking of which, let me help you with those.’ He ripped the panties down then picked her up, sitting her on the edge of the table, gently parting her legs to stand between her thighs, bringing his mouth back down onto hers, pushing his tongue harder against hers.

  Lottie wrapped her legs around him and let him lower her down onto the table, amidst the crumbs and stray blueberries.

  ‘Make love to me,’ Lottie murmured, tightening her legs around him.

  ‘You sure about this, Lottie?’ Cameron asked, lifting his head from between her breasts to look her in the eyes.

  ‘Yes. I want you, and I don’t want to wait any more,’ she said, raising her pelvis to meet him, pulling herself onto him, crying out as she met the rhythm of his movements. Her mobile began buzzing with a text message alert as she gripp
ed Cameron’s body with her legs.

  He held her hip with one hand and wrapped his free fingers in her hair, as he moved faster inside her. Lottie groaned, her breath as hot and dry as the sunshine blinding her through the garden windows. She came first, shuddering against him. Cameron answered her cries with a guttural groan, arching his back and thrusting harshly, falteringly, before collapsing onto her.

  They stayed like that, recovering, catching their breath with foreheads touching, smiling, before Cameron pushed himself off the table to stare down at her.

  ‘You’re like some Roman goddess, surrounded by fruit,’ he laughed. ‘And I think most of the strawberries may be crushed under your shoulders.’

  ‘Didn’t even feel them,’ she grinned. ‘Sounds as if I’ve got some cleaning up to do.’

  ‘No, you don’t,’ he said. ‘You get to go and take a long, hot shower while I clean up. What sort of man would I be if I let you do all the work?’

  Her phone buzzed again. Lottie sat herself up and stared at the food carnage around her. ‘Damn, where did I put my mobile?’ she asked as she stood up to search for it, avoiding squashing berries underfoot. ‘That’s quite some mess we made. Oh shit. The childminder’s trying to reach me again. I missed a call when we were …’ Being too noisy to hear the ringtone, she thought.

  ‘It’ll be fine,’ Cameron said, wrapping his arms around her from behind as she reread the frantic sounding text message. ‘Kids are sick all the time. Five minutes from now, he’ll be running around again. He probably just ate too fast.’

  ‘I guess,’ Lottie said.

  ‘Hey, she’s a childminder. They’re trained to deal with this. If you’d been in court, she’d have had to deal with it anyway. What’s the difference?’