THURSDAY
29
SEPTEMBER
I’m going to someone’s birthday party on Saturday at 7:30. I don’t even know who the person is. You see, Clara invited me because she knew the person from her Youth group. It’s at the hall, next to the Methodist church. I don’t even know what a Methodist is.
Today I felt like such a jerk. Since I like Mike Nicholls, when it was time to go home, I walked slow, because I wanted to see him, but him and his friends were late, so I went all over the place to give them a chance to catch up. I am NEVER going to do that again!! I felt like a real jerk, he probably didn’t notice me. Probably lucky he didn’t because I was a mess. From now on, I am just going to walk home normally! I also felt like a jerk at lunch after art when I was drawing, because when I looked up from drawing he turned around. I got the feeling that he thought I was looking at him. That happened twice and I didn’t do it on purpose. It wasn’t my fault, it was an accident. That also happened once before when I had a crush on Gabriel Norton, and it wasn’t my fault then either, it was just a coincidence.
I saw Mike a lot today because he went to his locker, which is near mine and he also walked past to go to a class. It looked like he was looking at me; I felt embarrassed and lowered my head. I must be more confident in myself!
I have my Bio project to hand in on Monday, an English project tomorrow, an art project on Wednesday, the Typing resume for Thursday, and the art folio to be handed in soon, but I don’t know when.
FRIDAY
30
SEPTEMBER
(Written on paper and found in diary)
During English
I’ve got 2 more weeks before I can go back to doing sport (properly) again – karate and badminton. Mike will be at karate. I have been seeing him a lot lately since he’s been going to his locker and classes, which means he has to walk past me. It’s just been this week that I’ve seen him a lot, I don’t know why.
I can’t wait till I go back to karate and badminton. At badminton I might see Caleb again. I hope I do. I might even see Devin too. I just want to know who’s going.
At karate Mike will be there, as I said before. He is just so gorgeous, (and) I really want to go out with him. It would be neat if I could get into his group. I never knew this group before this year, and it’s mainly because of karate that I know who they are now. I wouldn’t know who they were if I didn’t go to karate. I wish Mike would notice me. He probably does actually, but I reckon he reckons I’m a jerk who’s got a crush on him, which is true, because I do have a crush on him and I feel like a jerk around him. It’s not fair, why doesn’t anyone I like, like me. I should have taken the opportunity with Gabriel Norton. I could have gone out with him (if I had a brain!). I also had some other guys every so often interested in me, but they were either too young, too short, or creepy old guys (shiver), or just jerks, like one guy who used to bug me when I was fourteen. He got a friend to ask me if I liked him in class, but I didn’t like him like that, though he was nice enough (at that point!). Anyway, the unfortunate bit was that the guy who was asking for him was someone who I actually had a crush on at the time, so I was embarrassed (and annoyed), so I sort of was trying to ignore his question because I didn’t want to answer it. But the guy didn’t take a hint and eventually I said no, but I must have said it too softly because he continued asking until I snapped and yelled “No!” in the middle of class. I felt so-o-o bad about doing that, but he was driving me nuts. Though, I paid for it afterwards (still am) because the guy’s friends started teasing me and calling me ‘sloppy box’. And I do know what it means! But how can I be a sloppy box if I haven’t had sex let alone kissed a guy?! Jerks. I don’t go around calling guys names just because I got turned down. Plus, the guy who liked me smacked my butt at skating. I should’ve punched him, like I punched his mate for slapping me when I made him drop his books. I probably shouldn’t have done that, but still, he shouldn’t have slapped me. Though, my punch made him cry. Guess I was made for karate.
All up, it’s really depressing not having gone out with anyone. It gets lonely. All these pretty girls have got it made, why can’t I have a little bit of opportunity (now)? Sometimes, or most of the time, I reckon guys think I’m weird. Well, not exactly, but it feels like all I need to do is to look at them and they think I’m staring. It’s because of my big eyes. That’s what I reckon anyway, though I hope they don’t think that.
I’ve got to pick up my art after English, so I can do some work on it over the weekend. I will probably see Mike when I get it. I hope he doesn’t think I’m following him around.
SUNDAY
2
OCTOBER
I’m setting myself a goal – I definitely want to go to the Olympics, for sure. It’s going to be my dream. I’m no longer going to think or say I’m going to train, but I will! Everyone’s got to set a goal and the Olympics are mine. I think Spain will be my main goal. I’ve got two years to train, after my toe’s better. I’m going to get stuck right into it. Cycling will definitely be my sport. I really love to do canoeing, but I haven’t got a canoe or anything to take it to the beach. I’ve got a bike, and when I was watching the cycling on TV I thought it looked like a sport that I would be good at, and I’m certainly going to try my best. No goal is too high if a person sets their mind to it, but they must try their best and that is what I’m going to do. I’m going to try my upmost to be part of the Olympics. Just watching it can make you shiver (in a good way, not in the creepy old guy way). All those people from practically every nation there with you, it’s so brilliant – special. I would treasure that forever. Oh, I would really love it. I’ve got another month and a half of school left and when my toe’s better I’ve got to train so hard. I’m not going to check myself out of this opportunity – I’m going to live up to this goal. I’m going to fulfil it, and it will be because I did my best, and I pushed myself. No one can stop me now!
That last part sounds like a Queen song.
MONDAY
3
OCTOBER
I’m still determined to be in the Olympics. I don’t know whether there are any cycling clubs around, but next year I’m going to enter the triathlete’s club – mainly for the cycling, but the running part will also be good, although the swimming section will be hard, because I’m a pretty hopeless swimmer.
I’m going to get a pair of those cycling pants, they’re going to be excellent, and I will train in them, because I definitely want to go to Barcelona. That would be glorious if I could get into that team. I could also train for the Commonwealth Games in Auckland, and if I get anywhere in that I could get a sponsor for the Spanish Olympics. Wouldn’t that be great? It would be marvellous.
I thought about my dream all day and I’m really going to do it. I’m going to take on this goal and it’s not going to be just babbling, but action. I would have it for life if I did well in cycling, or any other sport come to think of it.
I can’t go to badminton tonight because of my toe, but I will definitely be going next week. Also, I will be starting back at karate soon. I need to be very fit and any sport will help.
I’m getting distracted by boys again. Why is it always that I can’t keep my mind off them? At school I’m always looking out for Mike, and when I go to badminton it would be for Caleb and if he’s not there maybe Devin. Well, can’t they just leave my head and let me concentrate on something else for once? Actually, the only thing that rids them from my mind are my thoughts on the Olympics. That is my idea of a glorious dream.
THURSDAY
6
OCTOBER
I think I saw Caleb today, I’m not sure though. It was when I was walking home from school. A van came around the corner and it looked like Caleb was in it. It really did, but I’m not positive. I hope he will be at badminton on Monday. I really do like him a lot. I hope he still likes me.
I will be going back to karate on Sunday. I saw Mike today, he is just so gorgeous. I wish I wasn’
t so strung up on boys, but everything about him is perfect. Oh man, I just can’t stop thinking about him or going off in a daze. I pray that I will get a boyfriend soon. I really need one, because it gets lonely without one. I’m 17 now and never had a date. I need to know a boy closely, like someone you could confide in, maybe joke with, be with, have fun with.
I’m seeing a movie tomorrow for Liberal Studies. One thing about some movies is that they arouse you, make you feel special or different. Music does that to you too. It makes you want to change, show the world what you are like. I just can’t stop thinking about having a boyfriend; it’s probably why I write in this diary. I’m doing it again! Writing about one thing, then suddenly changing the topic to boys. It’s annoying, but I can’t help it. In church the other day the priest was saying that you’re not whole until you get the other half of you, which will be your partner for life. I think he’s right, and I really want that partner, I need him.
Even though I’m talking about boys again, I haven’t forgotten about my cycling dreams. I still really want to go to the Olympics. It’s just another dream like having a boyfriend, and I’m going to have both.
You just wait till school finishes and my training begins, I’m going to return to school in the 7th form as another, better person. 7th form is going to be the ultimate, I’m going to do things that I’ve never even dreamed of – you’ll see. I’m going to prove to everyone that I’m special. Everyone is special, but I’m going to show just how special I can be in my own unique way.
FRIDAY
7
OCTOBER
(Written on a piece of paper during Bio class)
I should bring my diary to school, especially for Bio since it’s so boring. I really don’t know why I took it, since I don’t like Science. I can’t wait till there’s no more Bio whatsoever; and a few other subjects too. Some of them are just so bad, like computers. I have computers instead of Art for 3rd period today because the periods are swapped over. It’s a pain really.
Mum will take me home after school. I hope I can get my art pad, so I can do my graphic project. Also, I have some English homework that has drawings in it, about ‘The Man from Snowy River’. We’re going to see that movie on Monday. I’ve seen it before, but that was ages ago. I can’t really remember it except for who acted as the main character’s girlfriend. Though, I remember it was a good movie.
I’ll be able to go back to karate on Sunday, so I’ll have to miss church in the morning. I wonder whether anything will be different when I go back to karate or not. There will probably be people who have gone up a grade, most likely the green belts. I hope I will be alright doing the exercises because of my toe. I’ll be alright for badminton, because it’s not done in bare feet, and it’s only running about, not kicking or doing push ups.
SATURDAY
8
OCTOBER
Me, Mum, and Nina are going to Manukau now. I’m going to fill out a Denny’s application form so I can work there. I hope I can get the job because it’s really close and handy to get to. It’s like the restaurant Hungry Horse. Now I’m 17 I’ve got a better chance of getting the job.
I can’t wait until badminton on Monday. I had a dream last night that Caleb came to school looking for me, and when I saw him he ran away, but I ran after him and caught up, and then we both sat on the same bench that Mike sits on and we talked. Dreams are weird because we played cards. I can also remember small details, like my skirt was that long one, and Amy saw Caleb and recognised him as my boyfriend, and she has never seen him before. And his sisters were there too, but I can’t remember what they were doing. Again, it was weird, but dreams are always like that.
I must go now – to Manukau.
SUNDAY
9
OCTOBER
New Zealand is currently losing Rugby League to Australia and will probably lose it altogether at the end. It has really pissed me off, I am so mad at it. I feel like going out on my bike and cycling all my anger out. It is so aggravating because they’re dropping the ball, the idiots. I’m going to start training straight away because this has pissed me off so much. I’m going to have to pump up my tyre.
I’m going to get my cycling pants on Tuesday. I think cycling’s going to be great, and I’m going to cycle up hills heaps. Really push myself. I’m giving boys a back seat now because they make me so angry too. I’m sick and tired of them ignoring me and I heard Mike call me the girl with the hairy legs. It’s not my fault Mum won’t let me shave them, and anyway, it’s none of his or the other boys’ business. All they want to do is make some stupid remarks to hurt me. And they think they’re cool! Well, they’re not! They’re stupid idiots.
I think I might ride to school tomorrow and back, and tell Shena I won’t be walking with her unless it rains. I feel like running now, but I can’t because of my toe. I won’t be allowed to. What shall I do now? I don’t feel like watching any more rugby league. But just as I write this New Zealand has got a try. It may make us feel a little bit better, but I think it’s too late. The conversion has been missed, so it’s 25 to 8. It’s far too late to win.
I’m a bit mad about karate also, because I can’t do much with my toe like this, it’s really annoying. I can’t wait until tomorrow due to badminton. Actually, it’s not really badminton, but Caleb. I really want to see him. Even though I said before about giving guys a back seat, I can’t help it. Just watching Corey Feldman earlier on TV reminds me of Caleb. I always get my hopes up too high with guys. I know I shouldn’t. Caleb probably won’t even be there tomorrow and of course I will be disappointed. What can you expect from me? To be happy about it? I just want to see him, not Mike, not anyone else, but Caleb. I just want to see him.
The end result of the Rugby League game is New Zealand 12, Australia 25. What a disappointment. Man, I really want to see Caleb. I know I’m raving about him, but I have to get my mind off rugby league and on to a good subject. I’m sick of school now; I just want to get out of it. I know I’m complaining a lot, but I’ve got to get it out of my system, so I don’t cause conflict with someone else.
I’m going to blast my eardrums out with music. Music seems to calm me down, so I don’t think of annoying things. This diary also calms me down. It really helps to get all my feelings out. You could say it’s a substitute for a person or a boyfriend, because I don’t have a boyfriend, so I can’t get my feelings out and I stuff it all up and get real upset. I’m writing really fast here and I don’t want to stop. I never had a diary quite like this one before. My other diaries were stupid ones. They just stated what had happened and it was in an immature way. They were childish, whereas this one has more character and depth to it.
I love sport and I’m not going to desert my dream for Olympic gold in cycling. If Bruce Kendall, Ian Ferguson, Paul McDonald and other great Kiwis can get an Olympic medal, why can’t I? I’m great, aren’t I? To succeed you’ve got to be confident in yourself or else you will fail, and no one wants to fail, everyone wants to be a success. Don’t they? And I’m going to succeed, aren’t I?
I’m going to show everyone that I’m not just a stupid girl but a terrific one. I want to show them how special I am. I’m not going to be a singer, actor or anything stupid like that, but I’m still going to be a star. A star of sport and specialness.
I’m really going to succeed and win my way to satisfaction.
SUNDAY
16
OCTOBER
I can’t believe it; I actually shaved my legs, I did it without Mum knowing. I snuck into the bathroom and locked the door, then used one of Dad’s shavers. I can’t believe it! I know it isn’t a big deal for you or anyone else, but I have been teased for having hairy legs (well, only once when I heard Mike) and now I haven’t any. I just can’t believe it! Now I can go to school in skirts and do P.E. in shorts without feeling so conscious about them.
Mike was at karate today. I felt like such an idiot when he had to repeat a question twice. He speaks softly, so
I couldn’t hear him. I just felt like a dick going:
“What?”
“What?”
Well, too bad, it’s over and I can’t change it.
The black belts are doing their grading next Saturday, it goes on for 24 hours. There’s karate on Saturday and Sunday from 9am-12pm for everyone else. I don’t know whether I’ll go on Saturday. Dunno. Well, I don’t seem to want to write anymore. But just one thing: I’ve finished my art poster for Waiheke Island and I reckon it’s great.
P.S. My typing exam was a disaster, so I don’t want to talk about that mishap.
WEDNESDAY
19
OCTOBER
(Written on a note)
I’m doing Bio now and then I have Typing. I don’t want to go to Typing, since we’re getting back our exams, which I did terribly in, because I didn’t realise there were more questions on the back of the paper. I’m afraid I am going to get an awful mark, which is bad since it’s worth 50% for the whole year.
We’ve only got 4 and a half weeks left of school now. It’s going so fast. I’ve got karate tomorrow night for the first time in ages. I really have a big crush on Mike Nicholls. I hate calling it a crush, but I can’t think of anything else to call it. Boy, wouldn’t I be in a mess if someone read my diary. It would be shameful.
Don't Peek (The Diaries of a Teenage Girl) Page 3
