This Side of Heaven

by Karen Kingsbury

  “It’s never easy when someone leaves us in the prime of their life,” the pastor was saying. “At times like this we must lean on God more than ever before.”

  Annie leaned harder into Nate. She couldn’t remember the pastor’s name. Aaron or Andy . . . She opened the program and scanned the list of names at the front. The survived-by list and the pallbearers and there it was, Pastor Allen Reynolds. Of course. Pastor Allen had met with Josh several times the fall after he graduated from high school, trying to convince him to give higher education a chance and get more involved with the college group. But even during his two years of junior college, Josh had followed through on very little of what Pastor Allen suggested.

  “God’s ways are not our own.” The pastor hesitated as he looked out over the congregation. “If they were, then what sort of God would we be serving?”

  Annie blinked and two tears slid down her cheeks. Good question, she told herself. What sort of God would take my only son before his life even had a chance to begin? And why hadn’t things worked out with Becky? The girl had spent all of high school in love with Josh, and the two of them talked about going to college together. So why didn’t they? How come, like everything else about Josh’s life, those plans had fallen apart?

  One of her brothers read a section of Scripture from 1 Corinthians, but Annie wasn’t really listening. She locked eyes on the casket and all she could think was that her baby was trapped inside that box. The newborn she had held in her arms in the hospital twenty-eight years ago, the one who at three months old smiled at her and captured her heart all in the same breath. The boy who toddled across the room in his daddy’s shoes and who caught her a toad for her birthday the year he was four.

  The child she had adored and dreamed about and planned a future for was in the casket and he wasn’t ever coming out. Her body made a sudden move to stand, to cross the front of the church and close the distance between her and the wooden box. She might not be able to open it, but she could at least put her hand on it so Josh would know she was close by. But even as her legs tightened and she tried to stand, she ordered herself to stay seated. Pastor Allen was still talking. People didn’t stand up in the middle of a funeral service, even if their only boy was trapped in a casket ten yards away.

  After the Scripture reading there was another song. Finally, the pastor explained that people were welcome to follow the hearse to the cemetery and then back to the Warren house. His voice and the voices around her as the pastor dismissed the congregation sounded distant and small, like someone had turned down the volume on a distorted pair of speakers.

  Somehow, she and Nate found their way back to the car, and Lindsay hugged her before she climbed inside. “It isn’t fair.” Lindsay was still crying just as hard as earlier. “I miss him so much.”

  Annie could hear the music coming from the church, another round of “Great Is Thy Faithfulness.” She blocked it out and kissed her daughter on her cheek. “I miss him, too.”

  Nate hugged Lindsay. Then, they got into their separate cars and lined up behind the hearse. Again Annie was struck by the strangest, saddest thought. Since Josh stopped running track his junior year of high school, he hadn’t been first at anything he did. Someone was always a little faster, a little stronger, a little more equipped for the right job or right break or right opportunity. But not here. Here he was in first place once again, the hearse leading the way in a procession that would cross town and end up at the cemetery.

  When they arrived, Nate said a few words to the family and friends who followed them there. “We grieve the loss of our youngest child, our son, Josh. But we know we will see him again in heaven.” The sincerity in Nate’s expression was matched only by that in his voice. “Thank you for coming. We hope you’ll come to the house when we’re finished here.”

  There was little conversation as people quietly paid their respects and then made their way back to their cars parked along the private road that ran through the center of the cemetery. Becky was one of the last to leave. She walked up to the casket and touched her fingers to the wood. For what seemed like a long time, she stood there, her eyes closed, cheeks wet from her tears.

  Maybe if you had stayed with him, Annie thought. . . . But she couldn’t harbor bad feelings, not toward the girl who had been the love of her son’s life. Instead, all she felt was a great ocean of loss and sorrow. Because if they’d stayed together, this day could’ve been so very different.

  After Becky left for their house, a finality settled over the moment because they were alone—just Annie, Nate, Lindsay, and her family. One at a time they took a few moments beside Josh’s casket, until it was Annie’s turn. She barely moved her feet through the fresh-cut grass until she was at his side. There she was struck by a sudden and profound thought. So many times when Josh was growing up, he’d brought her flowers. Her son was quick with a hug or a kind word, but often when he wanted to show his love he’d give her flowers. She could see him running through the door during the spring of his fourth-grade year, a handful of dandelions clutched in his fist. “Here, Mom. I picked these for you.”

  And she could remember holding them and smelling them and smiling at him and thinking, I hope no one ever tells him they’re weeds.

  There were flowers for her birthday each year and on the last few Mother’s Days, a wild bouquet picked from a field not far from his apartment. She stared at the spray of carnations on top of the casket. Carefully, she eased three from the display and brought them close to her nose. They smelled of late summer and sweet sunshine, and Annie thought about where she’d dry them and how she’d save them forever.

  Because these were the last flowers she would ever get from him.

  Only twenty people showed up back at the house for the late lunch spread Annie put together. The conversation was peppered with happy stories from Josh’s childhood and wistful projections of what might have been if he hadn’t had the accident. Becky stayed until the end, not saying much and keeping to herself. Before she left, she pulled Annie aside and hugged her, really held on to her.

  “I never stopped loving him.” She whispered the words in a voice thick with tears. After another quick hug she was gone.

  Annie still wasn’t clear about what happened to end things between Josh and Becky years ago, but this wasn’t the time to talk about it. Besides, it was too late to matter now. Josh had missed out on a life with Becky, and he’d missed out on the settlement he so badly deserved. He’d missed out on being a dad and having the life he dreamed about. His entire life seemed like one big missed opportunity.

  When the last guest left, and after Nate turned in for the night, Annie went outside on the front porch and stared through the evergreen tops to the distant stars. Josh’s funeral service had been like his life—small and insignificant. Just as well that Babette stayed away. The service would’ve given her one more way she could compare Josh with her son and find Josh lacking.

  A breeze blew against Annie’s brow and she thought of one more sad detail. The daughter Josh talked about, the one he was sure was his own, was also not at the funeral. She wasn’t his daughter, definitely not. But still, something hurt deep inside her because the girl he’d thought about and prayed for and longed for didn’t know he had died. But there was something even sadder than that. Whoever she belonged to, the girl hadn’t only missed Josh’s death.

  She’d missed his life.

  THIRTEEN

  Freddy had saved the message for her, and by Sunday morning Maria had listened to it four times. Each time, the lawyer’s words held a deeper reservoir of hope and potential. A settlement? From a big-time lawyer? So, maybe she had picked the right guy that night in Las Vegas. Josh hadn’t been worth anything last time they’d talked, but he must have come into some kind of fortune, because now there was a settlement at stake.

  And her Savannah was the guy’s only heir. What kind of great luck was that?

  The thought made her giddy with possibility. She had Savannah
dress in her best jeans and T-shirt, the one with the flowers on it, and she took her downtown on the subway to Central Park. But this time Maria had no intention of begging money off people. Today was the turnaround Maria had been waiting for. They would walk the path through the park and talk about mother-daughter things, the way they always should have. And Maria would dream about all the ways she could spend the money.

  Strange about the timing. On Friday night Maria had placed an anonymous call to Child Protective Services asking whether it was possible to turn a kid in if you couldn’t handle raising her any longer. She wouldn’t give her name, but the lady she talked to said it was definitely possible. First, they’d give the overwhelmed parent a class on child rearing and then they required the parent to take several counseling sessions and blah-blah-blah. But the bottom line was yes, CPS would take her. Maria was seriously thinking about taking Savannah this week and dropping her off for good.

  Freddy was tired of sleeping with her, and a couple opportunities had come up with a pimp in the financial district. High rollers with big money and no one to spend it on. She could see herself in a penthouse suite, the kept woman of some bank manager or investment millionaire. But not with Savannah in tow, definitely not.

  Late Friday she’d even told Savannah her plans. “My days as your mama might be just about over.” She’d talked real nice, giving Savannah her most kind smile. “I care about you too much to let you live like this any longer. Plus, some big opportunities are showing up for your mama.” Maria had drunk nearly a bottle of Freddy’s burgundy wine, so she probably said more than she should’ve. “You understand, right?”

  Savannah shook her head. “No, Mama. I don’t wanna leave you.”

  But the girl had to know that her life was about to change. “Don’t worry, Savannah. There’s someone out there who wants you a whole lot more than me. Someone better for you.”

  “My daddy, you mean?”

  Maria had only laughed. “Yeah, sure, baby. Maybe it’ll be your daddy.” What mattered wasn’t who took Savannah in, but that Maria could finally be free of her. At least that’s how she felt Friday and Saturday. But all that changed the minute Maria listened to the message from the lawyer.

  “Today’s a celebration,” she told Savannah when they stepped off the subway. She reached for her daughter’s hand and realized how good it felt to connect with her this way. “Mama’s ship has finally come in.”

  “What ship?” Savannah seemed confused, like she didn’t know what to make of her mother’s new attitude.

  “The ship of good fortune.”

  “Is it in the harbor?”

  “No.” Maria laughed and she felt like other mothers for the first time, the ones she saw near the zoo and the playground and the fountain. The ones who were always walking and talking and laughing with their daughters. She smiled at Savannah. “This ship used to belong to your daddy, but now—now it belongs to me.”

  “To you?”

  Maria suddenly worried about that answer. What if the attorney arranged a talk with Savannah and heard that Maria thought the money was her own? She cleared her throat and slowed her pace. “Actually, the ship belongs to—to both of us.” She found her smile again. “Isn’t that wonderful?”

  Savannah shrugged one shoulder, but her eyes looked happier than they had in a long time. Maria could’ve burst into song. She still had a little money from her time with the high roller in Central Park, the one with the gold chains. At the hot dog cart, she pulled a ten from her pocket, bought chili dogs and pop for both of them, and together they sat on the nearest empty bench.

  Maria savored every bite of her dinner and breathed in deep the air of change around her. She had been looking forward to the next chapter in her life, finishing her role as a mother and moving into the world of people with lots of money. But she could get used to this, being a mother without having to sleep with anyone just to survive. If the settlement was large enough, she wouldn’t need to work her way into the world of the wealthy.

  She was about to become one of them.

  On Monday morning, Maria paced, checked her watch, and counted down hours until finally it was nine o’clock on the West Coast. At one minute after nine she placed the call to Thomas Flynn, attorney.

  A woman answered on the first ring. “Flynn and Associates, how can I help you?”

  Maria felt a little breathless. She stood straighter and leaned against the kitchen wall in Freddy’s apartment. “This is Maria Cameron. I’m returning a phone call from Thomas Flynn.”

  “Just a moment, please.”

  Her heart beat hard, and she hoped this Flynn guy wouldn’t hear it over the phone lines. Savannah was watching something on MTV, and Maria had turned the sound down so she could hear every detail of whatever good had come their way.

  There was a click on the line. “Thomas Flynn here.”

  “Hello.” Maria wasn’t sure how formal she should be. “Mr. Flynn, my name is Maria Cameron. You left me a message on Friday.”

  “Yes.” There was a pause and something changed in the man’s voice. “I called about a client of mine—Josh Warren. Are you familiar with that name?”

  “Yes, of course. We were—we were very close.” Maria silently congratulated herself on her acting job. Besides, for those few days in Vegas, she and Josh truly were close. She would have moved in with him if he’d been honest about his financial status. She turned up the concern in her tone. “Has—has something happened to him?” Maria was pretty sure about the answer, otherwise there wouldn’t be a need to discuss the fact that Savannah was his heir.

  “Yes.” The attorney let out a breath, as if the news was still difficult for him. “Mr. Warren passed away a week ago.”

  Maria allowed a soft gasp. “That’s terrible. Was it an accident?”

  “We aren’t sure what happened. He died in his sleep.”

  “No.” She pictured the virile young man who had shared a bed with her some eight years ago. His death truly was a shame. If he’d lived long enough to win the money coming to him, he would’ve been a great catch. She softened her voice. “That’s just awful.”

  “Yes, well . . .” The attorney sounded disturbed by the fact, and maybe a little suspicious. “The reason I’m calling, Ms. Cameron, is because Mr. Warren was at the end of a major lawsuit when he died.” He asked if Maria had a seven-year-old daughter named Savannah, and when Maria assured him that yes, she did, he went on. “His estate stands to receive a major settlement, and, well, he told the court that your daughter was his sole heir.”

  “That’s true, at least as far as I know.” Her contrite tone hid the excitement starting to build within her. “Do you mind if I ask—how much is the settlement for?”

  “That hasn’t been determined.” This time there was no doubt about Mr. Flynn’s disgust toward her. “The point is, paternity needs to be determined before we can consider your daughter a rightful heir to Mr. Warren’s estate. Would you be willing to subject your daughter to a paternity test?”

  From the beginning Maria had known Savannah belonged to Josh. Her husband at the time rarely slept with her, and Maria suspected he was sterile because he’d never managed to get her pregnant. Not that she really wanted kids. She wanted the child support, and she’d figured a child wouldn’t be too bad. Better than getting a job, anyway. When Savannah was born, she’d seen Josh in her from the beginning. The girl had his eyes and the shape of his face, and after a few months she was sure. Regardless of what people thought about her, she hadn’t slept with more than a few men in the time frame when she’d gotten pregnant, and Savannah looked more like Josh than any of the others. She glanced at her daughter, sitting cross-legged in front of the TV. “Yes, sir, for sure. I don’t have medical insurance, but if you set it up, I’ll take her wherever you want for a paternity test.”

  “Very well.” The man sounded tired. “I’ll take care of the details and get back to you.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Flynn.” She was still sou
nding the part of the grieving friend. “I’ll share the news with Savannah.”

  “Let’s wait. I think we should have test results first.”

  “Okay.” Maria sounded hurt. “But I can assure you with my whole being that Savannah is Josh Warren’s daughter. If you want us to wait for the test to talk about it, I can do that.”

  “Thank you. I think it’s the least we can do.”

  Maria hung up the phone and for a brief moment she felt sorry for Josh. He’d been a nice guy, a little heavy but good-looking. And in the few days they’d known each other he had fallen hard for her. There was something sad about the fact that he was dead—especially since he really was Savannah’s father. But on the other hand . . .

  For the first time in her life something good had come her way and she wasn’t going to do a single thing to mess it up. Not this time. Once they had the results of the paternity test, she and Savannah would take the money and make the kind of life for themselves Maria had only dreamed about. The thought made her smile as she found a box of macaroni and cheese in Freddy’s cupboard.

  Poor Josh. He was just like any other guy until now. But once they had the paternity test, she and Savannah would ride this all the way to the bank, and in some ways that would mean Josh’s death wasn’t in vain.

  All of which made Maria feel better about herself than she’d felt in a very long time.

  Thomas felt like he needed to take a shower after just five minutes on the phone with the woman. From the tone in her voice and her hurry to find out the amount of the settlement, he could sense that Maria Cameron was just like he’d imagined her to be. She couldn’t care less about

  Josh Warren—only that by some good twist of fate she’d managed to trick him into fathering her child. If she was right, anyway, and Josh really was the girl’s dad.

  The paternity test would be the deciding factor, and he would set it up through a clinic in New York City. She had no insurance, so clearly Josh’s estate would be footing the bill. He allowed a heavy sigh. With the certainty in the woman’s voice, he had no choice but to give Josh’s parents a warning.