Finding You: The Complete Box Set (a contemporary MM romance series)

by Ana Ashley

  The moment our lips met, eager and inexperienced, it was as if a magic chest opened and beautiful light illuminated everything around us. There was no awkwardness or doubt about what we were doing.

  That’s when I knew that whatever I was, gay or not, David was the only person I wanted in my life forever. I could feel it in my heart, and the way he'd been kissing me and holding me told me he felt the same.

  We had to catch our breath, but we didn’t part. We stood there, water to our waists, staring at each other, blue eyes to brown. No words were spoken. That had been our goodbye with a promise.

  We left the beach to go home, holding hands and smiling like we carried each other’s most precious secret.

  David touched my hand, bringing me back to the present, and I felt myself blush at being caught in the moment, thinking about our first kiss.

  "Do you remember our kiss at the beach the last time I was here?"

  David blushed and looked away. "Yeah, that was… yeah... a long time ago."

  "I think that was when I realized I was gay. I didn't come out to my parents for a while though. In fact, it was Jojo, my American grandmother, who encouraged me to do it the following year."

  I didn't know if I was sharing this because I felt obliged now that I brought up the topic, or if I wanted a repeat of that kiss and was making it very clear that David fit the category.

  "Is that why you didn't come back?" David asked quietly.

  “What? No, my grandmother was unwell, so I spent the summer with her. I was keeping an eye on her to make sure she took all her medication and didn't do anything silly." I chuckled. "She made me pursue a boy that lived near her, saying I needed a summer romance. I was fifteen!"

  David laughed at that, too, so I asked if he was with anyone at the moment.

  "No, I'm single. I've dated a bit, mostly to get my aunt off my back."

  What did that mean? That was nothing if not cryptic, and it didn't tell me if David was into men or not. Maybe after that kiss, he only dated women, but he didn't have any reaction to me saying I'm gay. I felt it wasn't the right time to ask, so I left it.

  "How about you? Have you got anyone in New York?"

  "No," I answered honestly. "I was in a relationship, but he got a job in San Francisco and moved away."

  "You didn't want the long distance?"

  "He asked me to go with him. My parents had just died, and I was vulnerable. I said yes, but then I backed out of doing it. Max didn't take my parents’ death very well either, and I felt we needed to support each other. I realized then that my ex-boyfriend was a douchebag who thought I'd support his lifestyle using my inheritance," I said more bitterly than I intended as I was genuinely over my relationship with Lance.

  "Wow, he sounds like a piece of work."

  "Fortunately, he's in the past," I said, making a move to get up. "What do you say we make our way back via Sesimbra and have dinner on the beach before going home?"

  "You do realize that's going home in the wrong direction, right?" he said with a chuckle but not seeming to mind the plan.

  "Yep!"

  11

  David

  Three days after the trip to the Sanctuary, my heart still felt heavy whenever I thought of what had been the first time I’d prayed in years. I also felt surprisingly light. Sitting in the church with Joel, I’d thought of my mom, her smile, how she always smelled of cake, how loving she’d been, and I knew she would have accepted me for who I am.

  Because of my uncle, I was forced to live a lie or risk losing everything my mom had worked so hard for. I hated having to hide such an intrinsic part of myself, hated that I was depriving my aunt of really knowing her only living blood relative, and hated even more missing out on the motherly connection I’d once had with her because I was so afraid she’d somehow find out without me even uttering a word.

  I detested my uncle for his role in my life, but it had felt wrong to have those feelings when I was inside a church. As Joel prayed for his parents, I prayed for my mom, my aunt, and also, to an extent, for my uncle, and that one day, we could meet in the middle.

  I felt privileged to be there for Joel as he scattered a few ashes into the soil and sea, and I didn't have to think twice about pulling him into my arms when he needed comfort. What I wasn't expecting was the turn of conversation and to be reminded of that last day we had spent together when we were fourteen. Not that the event hadn't played in my mind over and over again since, but discussing it with Joel felt like opening a raw wound for which my heart's first aid kit was ill-equipped to treat.

  Joel stating he was single shouldn't affect me whatsoever, so why had I felt such a positive charge running through my bloodstream at his confession? It’s not like I was planning on taking advantage of his relationship status.

  On the drive from Sesimbra, an idea played in my head. Asking Joel to help me with the next video for my blog was a question that trickled out of my mouth, so naturally, I hadn’t even realized I’d done it until afterward. But when I thought about it, I knew it was the perfect distraction in the days running up to the memorial service.

  A lot of my followers had been asking for simple recipes that didn't require a lot of skill for those who were beginners or less confident in the kitchen. It didn’t take me long to think of something, a suddenly trendy dessert that required only the assembly of ingredients and no baking. All I needed was a willing volunteer to show my followers that there were no tricks involved.

  Fortunately, Joel was up for the challenge. He told me his mom taught him how to cook, so he was somewhat comfortable in a kitchen, but this was a recipe he had never tried to make himself.

  He’d agreed to come to my apartment today so that we could film. Hopefully, we would be able to get everything done in one afternoon so I could do the necessary editing to transform the hours of shooting into a five-minute video before we left for our road trip.

  A knock on the door told me Joel was here, so I put down the ingredients I was preparing and walked out of the kitchen. When I opened the front door, I was met with a grinning Joel wearing an apron that said, “Life is short, lick the spoon!” And I’ll be damned if the thought of Joel doing just that didn't go straight to my dick. This was going to be a very long afternoon if my mind didn't make it out of the gutter and back into the kitchen.

  “Olá...nice apron! I don't remember specifying a dress code." I leaned against the door frame and crossed my arms.

  Joel looked down, and his face went a delectable shade of pink. "Well, I saw this one at the market yesterday when I helped my great-grandma with her groceries and couldn't resist. I can take it off if it's not appropriate."

  "Nope, you bought it. Now you have to wear it." I winked and immediately saw a hint of mischief in Joel’s eyes. "Come on over, I have everything ready to go in the kitchen."

  The camera was set up in front of a tall table I used as a fake worktop to give the impression that it was a kitchen island. I explained I would start the video by introducing Joel as the special guest and then I would talk about the recipe and describe the ingredients.

  The beginning of the video was always more or less the same as I followed the same routine to introduce the recipe. Once I got cooking, it always felt more natural and less scripted.

  "Joel, are you ready to start?" I said, looking from the camera toward Joel.

  "Absolutely!" he said with exaggerated excitement, and I struggled not to roll my eyes.

  "Okay, so we start by cracking the eggs into the bowl. Then we add the sugar and mix it well until dissolved," I instructed.

  While Joel was working on that, I started melting the chocolate with the butter in the microwave using short bursts.

  "David, tell me again the name of this recipe?" Joel asked with a playful smile that reached his eyes, making them shine brightly.

  "This is a chocolate salami," I replied and looked at Joel to see him raising his eyebrows suggestively.

  "And this is a strictly non-meaty sa
lami?"

  I looked down and shook my head in disbelief, a slight smile teasing my lips.

  "We have covered the ingredients list already. Clearly, it is a non-meaty, chocolate salami. I've also added the ingredients list in the description box below," I said. "Right, so now you add the cocoa powder and mix well. At this stage, it might look as though this runny mixture will never be hard enough to form a salami—"

  Joel's snort interrupted me as he was struggling to keep a serious face.

  "Sorry," he said, still stirring but shaking his head.

  I carried on, trying hard not to kick him under the table. "Now that I have combined the melted chocolate and butter, I will add it slowly to Joel's mix. Please note that if the chocolate is too hot and the eggs aren't well combined with the sugar, you will end up with scrambled eggs," I added.

  "Ew, I wouldn't want scrambled eggs in my salami. Remember, guys, keep stirring," Joel said.

  Once we had the mix well combined, it was time to add the cookies. Holding three or four cookies in the palm of one hand, I faced the camera to give a clear view of how to do it best; pressing the thumb of the other hand into the middle of the cookies to break them in a few chunks.

  "You can use any brand of Maria cookies since they all taste the same. We're getting there, viewers. Now, we add the cookie bits, but don't do it all at once as you might find you don't need them all."

  The cookies were going in, and so far, most of them stayed in the bowl. "It's getting harder to mix them now," Joel said, turning the bowl to me as I leaned in closer.

  The smell of Joel's shower gel and the chocolate were doing funny things to me. Fortunately, it seemed as though Joel was finally concentrating on the job at hand.

  "We're almost finished. Now comes the messier part," I said, winking at the camera. "We have two pieces of waxed paper, one on top of the other, and we're going to transfer the mix to the paper so we can start shaping the salami."

  "Sounds complicated. Maybe you should do this bit," Joel said, frowning.

  "Nope, we want to show the viewers at home that anyone can follow this recipe."

  I explained how Joel should use the paper to mold the mix and then roll it into a salami shape. Then we folded the ends as though it was a large candy wrapper ready to go in the fridge.

  "Now the salami goes in the fridge to set. Once it has set, you can unwrap it, slice it, and serve it. It should be in the fridge at least two hours or ideally overnight, but you can feel how hard it is by touching it."

  Cue a cough from my fourteen-year-old companion.

  "We're going to tidy up while the salami sets, and then we'll be back to show you the result. See you in a bit." I waited a few seconds and then went around the table to turn the camera off.

  I stood behind the camera, looked at the small screen, and my breath caught in my throat. I looked up to see Joel running a finger inside the bowl that had the chocolate salami mix. He put the finger in his mouth to taste the chocolate and moaned. It was the sexiest sound I've heard in my life, and it went straight to my dick, so I didn't have enough brainpower to conjure moving or taking my eyes off him.

  Joel looked at me, and his cheeks went immediately red at getting caught tasting the leftover chocolate. However, that look was quickly replaced by one of heat when he looked down and saw the thick outline of my cock straining against the fabric of my jeans.

  I was sure I resembled a rabbit struck by bright lights, frozen in place and unable to move. Joel must have noticed because he moved his eyes up to meet mine slowly, and then without breaking eye contact, he put his finger in the bowl once more and ran it oh-so-very slowly along the sides, catching more of the mix.

  Joel brought his finger up to his mouth and took his time opening his lips to lead the chocolate-covered finger in, all without taking his fucking gorgeous blue eyes off mine.

  Suddenly I wasn't in control of myself anymore. I took the few strides needed to stand right in front of Joel, grabbed his finger up with one hand, and used my free hand to pull him closer to me. I was still looking into his eyes so full of desire they were a dark sapphire blue. I pulled his finger up to my mouth and sucked it clean, closing my eyes and letting my taste buds learn the taste of a chocolate-covered Joel.

  "Mhm… you taste delicious," I said with a hoarse voice, breaking the silence for the first time since we stopped filming. Before I could do anything else, I felt Joel's lips on mine, soft and full in contrast with the rough scruff on his face.

  I knew about muscle memory. I ran often, and I exercised. If I had a particularly busy time at the café and was unable to do either of those, I knew from experience that my muscles would know what to do and where to hurt the next time.

  What I didn't know was that my lips would also have a memory, because the moment Joel's lips touched mine, I was fourteen again, and there was nowhere else I belonged other than here with his soft lips tentatively pressing against mine, confident but also unsure.

  Joel licked my lower lip, coaxing my mouth open, which I was happy to oblige since I couldn't wait a second more to taste him. The kiss didn't disappoint. Joel's tongue was hot and sweet and tasted so chocolatey, I wondered how many licks of the bowl he’d had before I caught him.

  I must have moaned in my lust fog, giving Joel permission to pull me closer. I could feel his hard cock against mine before he palmed my cock over my jeans, making me moan louder. I had to put a hand on the table to steady myself, and when I accidentally knocked the bowl off the table and onto the floor, I forced myself to give up Joel’s hungry, sweet lips.

  Fuck, what was I doing? I wasn’t supposed to kiss him.

  I took a step back, and Joel looked at me, the question written all over his face, but words failed me. My lips were still tingling from his touch, and my dick was at war with my brain, still pressing hard against my jeans.

  "Joel... fuck, I’m sorry," I said when I got my speech back. "I didn’t mean to do that. I’m sorry."

  He looked hurt for a moment but quickly stiffened and smiled. "I kissed you, remember? I’m sorry. I clearly misread the situation. It won’t happen again." He went around me to pick up the bowl from the floor and took it to the sink.

  All I could think was that he hadn’t misread the situation at all. I wanted him to kiss me. I’d wanted that since the first moment I saw him in the café. I just couldn’t afford to give in to my feelings, and I was too scared to tell him why. It was one thing to think about Joel’s lips, his body, and wanting them; it was another to act on it.

  We cleared up the kitchen in silence. I was desperate to take it all back, to rewind the afternoon and see playful Joel again, but I knew I had ruined everything like I always do.

  Earlier, I’d put the salami in the freezer to help it set faster so we could do all the filming today. I was checking on it when I saw Joel put the dishcloth down and turn to face me. He looked like he was going to say something but stopped himself. Fuck, please don’t tell me you’re walking out on me.

  Maybe my pleading eyes told him what I couldn’t say out loud; maybe he just understood, because when he asked if the salami was ready so we could resume the filming, I thought I was going to sob with relief that he wasn’t going to leave me just yet.

  "You think you might try making that recipe again?" I asked tentatively.

  "Yeah, I think so. It was easy enough." Joel wasn’t giving me much, but he was still here.

  It wasn’t until I went to turn the camera back on that I realized I hadn’t actually turned it off, which meant it had recorded what happened, the kiss. I wondered if I should tell Joel but decided against it. After all, I always deleted all the footage once I uploaded the videos. I would commit that kiss to memory and erase it from any real evidence. Maybe that way I could just pretend it had been a dream.

  I joined Joel behind the worktop to resume filming. Cutting a slice of the chocolate salami, I explained how the pattern made by the broken biscuits was what gave the dessert its name, and as the guest bake
r, Joel got to taste it.

  "Wow, this is delicious. I think everybody should try this at home. You won't regret it." He sounded so enthusiastic, but I could hear the strain in his voice and the effort he was making to appear that way.

  I finished the video with the regular reminders and turned the camera off, for real this time, then started wrapping the salami. I was afraid to look at Joel and see the tension in his eyes, so instead of talking about what had happened, I only asked if he still wanted to take the salami home.

  "I'm going to head off if you don't need me anymore." Joel grabbed his stuff and walked toward the door before turning back only slightly. "Are you still coming on Saturday? To the memorial service?" he asked in a reserved voice that did not suit him.

  "Yes, of course I am. My aunt is coming too."

  He simply nodded and left my apartment without another word.

  I was left rooted to the spot, confused and worried. My heart felt like lead. The last time we kissed, I didn't see Joel for thirteen years. I knew he wouldn't go away now. We had planned our trip, and I knew he wouldn't back out from it, but something in my gut was telling me that my indulgence today had broken our budding friendship. I just hoped it wasn’t beyond repair.

  12

  Joel

  I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept well for the last couple of days, which obviously didn’t help, but it wasn’t just that. I was tired of so much heartache, of being alone, of wanting what I shouldn’t. David’s reaction to our kiss was surprising and heartrending in equal measures.

  Yes, I’d been the one to initiate the kiss, but the way he looked at me when he grabbed my finger and sucked it clean nearly made me come in my pants. Every single lick of his tongue, every time his lips closed over mine, he was there with me. I felt it everywhere. How could I have been so wrong about it unless there was more to it than met the eye?