Finding You: The Complete Box Set (a contemporary MM romance series)

by Ana Ashley

  I took the box to the room that used to be mine and had been recently redecorated. My mom insisted in living in the apartment she had lived in for most of her life, even though I’d offered to help her move to a safer neighborhood.

  I guess it was a win that she did accept my help with the redecoration.

  The room looked beautiful, it had a very light pink color on the walls, white furniture and an inviting sofa facing the doors to the Juliet balcony.

  It seemed like the perfect spot to revisit my treasure, after all, it was in this same room that I’d opened them all for the first time.

  I opened the box and held up the first letter. It looked old so it had to be one of the first ones. I still remembered so well when my teacher, Mademoiselle Bissett, asked the class if we wanted to practice our English by writing to other students in New York. I'd jumped at the chance and was so excited to get to know another boy on the other side of the world.

  2 January 1998

  Dorian Charles

  345 East 72ndd Street,

  10021 New York

  USA

  Dear Jean-Paul

  As you know, my name is Dorian and I live in New York. I'm ten years old and I go to St. Millers School.

  I'm in the 4th grade, and my favorite subject is Geography. No one else in my class likes Geography, but my mom is French so she told me all about Europe. I hope I can go one day to visit.

  I can't believe yours is Math. Yuck!

  I also like sports, do you like sports?

  What's it like living in Europe? Is it nice there?

  Oh and I have a sister and a brother. Katie is 6, and I call her Kat, and Ashton is only 1, and I call him Ash. He's just a baby but he's cool.

  I hope we can become friends,

  Dorian Charles

  3

  Dorian

  I smiled to myself as I put the letter back in its envelope, remembering how excited I'd been about corresponding with a boy from Europe.

  So much life had been lived since that time, so many sad moments, but also so many happier ones. I decided to take the box to the kitchen with me since I wanted to keep reading but also needed to eat something.

  There was still plenty of time and this would keep me distracted enough that hopefully I wouldn't work myself up about this afternoon.

  I set the box on the table and opened the fridge to take what I needed to make a sandwich. I was convinced I had the most organized fridge in all of Europe. From top to bottom there were all ingredients needed to make the delicious food I now couldn't live without.

  I'd never been a foodie when I was young. My parents enjoyed dining out and encouraged us to try new foods, but despite my mildly adventurous taste buds, as a kid my favorite food was macaroni cheese with bacon. So much so, that during my childhood, I lived off the thing and rarely ate anything else.

  I decided on a bacon, mozzarella, pesto, arugula and tomato grilled sandwich. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until I saw the plate of sliced bacon, just begging to be had.

  While the sandwich was on the grill I sat on the stool at the breakfast bar and took another letter from the box. This one had been written a few years later.

  12 May 2001

  Jean-Paul Bertram

  47 Rue Des Fleurs,

  75014 Paris

  France

  Dear Dorian

  How are you? I have been okay.

  I want to tell you about this place my mother took me today. I was so excited to tell you about it I couldn't wait to get home and write to you.

  We went to a pâtisserie that makes THE best macarons in the whole wide world. I swear!

  We had the perfect day. It was a sunny day and not very cold.

  We started our walk from L’Arc de Triomphe toward Le Musée Du Louvre. When we walked past the pâtisserie there was a long queue so I asked my mother why there were so many people. She said she was going to show me why.

  Can you believe there was a menu for all the flavors of macaron? It was so difficult to choose so we decided to have lots of flavors and share them.

  My favorite flavors were chocolate and hazelnut, strawberry and cream, and blueberry. There were really crisp on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside. Have you ever tried macarons? I think you should.

  Next to our table there was a couple celebrating their engagement. My mom congratulated them. They were really nice but a bit strange. They asked if I had a girlfriend I wanted to bring macarons to. I said no.

  Have you ever thought about having a girlfriend?

  Some of my friends at school talk about girls all the time. I'm not sure I'd like one. I mean, they are pretty but I don't think I'd like to kiss one.

  Audrey is mad with me because I was out all day, so now she won't come to me. I guess I'll have to buy some fish for her tomorrow.

  I hope to hear from you soon.

  Your friend,

  Jean-Paul

  The grill pinged to let me know my sandwich was ready. I poured coffee into a mug and brought both back to the table, digging into half of the sandwich while it was still hot.

  Reading the letters brought back so many memories I had long forgotten.

  To think that once upon a time I was a thirteen-year-old boy, building a tentative friendship with Jean-Paul, who for the simple reason that he lived so far away, seemed so intriguing and different from all the other friends from school.

  I remember coming out to my parents when I was fourteen. It wasn't much of a shock to them and my mom had told me she’d been waiting until I was ready. I had actually been for a little while but hadn’t been sure how to tell them.

  In the end it had been the confused feelings I had for the boy across the ocean that had helped me come out. I remember talking to my mom about it and she'd been so great.

  I started eating the second half of my sandwich and picked up a postcard.

  15 January 2002

  Jean-Paul Bertram

  47 Rue Des Fleurs,

  75014 Paris

  France

  Dear Dorian,

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

  I hope my card arrives before your birthday.

  Are you going to have a party? I didn't want to have a party on my birthday, instead I went to the cinema with my friends and then we had pizza.

  I hope you get all that you want!

  Happy birthday from your friend,

  Jean-Paul

  4

  Jean-Paul

  I was so wrapped up in the letters I'd forgotten my coffee and the delicious macarons I'd bought. It had been the same thing every time I'd received a letter from Dorian. I'd bring it to my room and read it over and over again until I knew all the words by memory.

  My mom had started giving me dinner when I got home from school before she told me there was a letter from Dorian for me, because she knew I'd soon forget about how hungry I was.

  26 March 2002

  Dorian Charles

  345 East 72nd Street,

  10021 New York

  USA

  Dear Jean-Paul

  Spring has started but it's been warmer than usual. This weekend my parents took us all on a weekend trip to Bear Mountain State Park.

  We had a wood cabin with 2 rooms so I had to share my room with Kat. She was scared at night because she thought there were bears on the mountain.

  Ash had lots of fun exploring and running around. I swear he only has one speed. Lightning fast!

  This morning my dad woke me up just before sunrise to go hiking. The light was just enough that we could see where we were going. We went past a creek and had to hop on the stones to get across the river.

  When we got to the other side there was a clearing with the most amazing view of the park. The sun was warmer as it rose up in the sky. It was awesome.

  I really wanted to take a photo to send you but I forgot my camera.

  Oh crap, my dad is calling me. I'm late to help set the fire. He says I'm always late! Jeez!

&n
bsp; We're making s'mores. Do you know what they are? I'll teach you to make them one day.

  Oh, and I've been thinking and I think it's cool that we write letters to each other, let's not change to emails. I always look forward to the post, and I think it wouldn't be as special looking at the computer. Hope that's okay.

  Your friend,

  Dorian

  That was the summer Dorian came out to me in one of his letters. Little had he known then how much we had in common.

  Looking back now it was really brave of him to do that.

  Then again, he'd always been so strong, even when he didn’t realize it.

  15 July 2002

  Dorian Charles

  345 East 72nd Street,

  10021 New York

  USA

  Dear Jean-Paul

  What's up? All good with you?

  I sent you a birthday present. Don't open it yet, it's too early. I know that packages always take forever to get there so I wanted to be prepared and send it early.

  I really like the photos you sent me. Thank you!

  I wanted to choose my favorite to put on a frame on the wall but in the end I couldn't make up my mind so I framed them all.

  I like looking at them. You are really good at taking photos.

  When I look at them I like to pretend that I’m going to all of those places with you.

  Do you think that will ever happen? That we will one day meet in real life and go out exploring places and take photos or try all the foods you keep talking about? I hope that can happen.

  Jean-Paul, you are my best friend so I feel like I can tell you everything and I would very much like to meet you one day.

  I don't have much in common with the other guys at school, apart from liking sports. All they do is chase the girls because we're in a mixed school now. It's so boring.

  Well, the truth is... I'm not interested in girls because... well I'm gay.

  My heart is beating really fast and I don't know if I will send this letter. My mom said I should be open with you and tell you because it's important to me that you know.

  Do you mind that I'm gay? You are my friend, so that's okay, right?

  I also wondered if you might be gay too, since you never talk about girls. It's okay if you're not, of course, but I think it would be great if you were. Just sayin.

  Oh, Kat said to tell you that she liked the recipe you sent her. She's started helping my mom a lot in the kitchen, and I think she wants to be a chef. Is that what you want to be too? You are a great photographer but you always talk about food. Maybe you could be both!

  I've been thinking and I'm going to ask my parents if I can visit you in Paris one day when I'm allowed to fly on my own.

  I look forward to hearing from you again and DON'T open your present before your birthday.

  Your best friend,

  Dorian

  I couldn't help the tear that ran down my cheek.

  My gift had been a pen that had “I read you” engraved on it. I’d always wondered if it was a fun gift because we only ever read each other’s words, or if there was a deeper meaning.

  I’d wanted to believe it was the latter because it was true, I read his words like I was reading him.

  If only Dorian had known then that despite the fact I would treasure that pen forever, the best present he gave me that year was his confession.

  5

  Dorian

  I didn't realize I was crying until I felt my tears land on my hand. I remembered writing my coming out letter like it was yesterday.

  Even with my mom's encouragement, my hand still shook like a leaf with each word I wrote. I wasn't even sure why it was so important to me that he knew I was gay, and I didn't think I'd articulated it particularly well, but I remember the feeling of relief when I posted the letter.

  Even if I'd never have another letter from Jean-Paul again, I knew the significance of telling another person.

  Jean-Paul's continued friendship and acceptance gave me confidence to be myself and not be afraid of what other people might think, because ultimately there were only a few people that mattered, my family and Jean-Paul.

  14 November 2005

  Jean-Paul Bertram

  47 Rue Des Fleurs,

  75014 Paris

  France

  Dear Dorian,

  Wow, I can't believe that in one month you will be here, in Paris at Christmas!

  I am so excited to meet you but also a little nervous.

  What if you don't like me when you meet me? What if we have arguments?

  I can't stop worrying about it because I really want to be your best friend forever. And yes, I know I sound like a girl, but our friendship is different to all the other friendships I have.

  After 7 years of writing to each other we can finally do things together and have a conversation in real time!!

  The thing I look forward to the most is receiving your letters in the post, but the post is too slow. Please can we start emailing now? After we meet, maybe?

  As my mother says, it's about time we take our friendship into the 21st century. Can you believe she said we're like two old men writing letters to each other?

  Anyway, I have made a list of all the places I want to show you in Paris. We'll do some of the tourist things but there are other places I think you will like too.

  We'll have fun and eat great food! Gosh, I'm going to take you to try all my favorite foods in Paris.

  Can't wait!

  Your best friend,

  Jean-Paul

  I always loved Christmas. Despite my parents' wealth we always did so much together. Christmas was the smell of my mom burning the cookies we were going to decorate, and my dad buying ready made cookies so we could actually eat some. Ash wanting everybody to stand still so he could draw us with the Christmas tree behind us, and Kat saving Christmas with her perfect cakes. But it was the Christmas of 2005 and meeting Jean-Paul that made it the best one ever for me.

  All the time we were corresponding I knew Jean-Paul was a special person and I cared about him more than I did about any other friend. When we finally met in person and I looked into his dark almond-shaped eyes my heart was stolen.

  My body had also caught up and suddenly being around Jean-Paul had made the cold December weather in Paris a whole lot warmer.

  The next letter surprised me because it wasn't a letter, but the draft of the letter I wrote to Jean-Paul while I was waiting for my flight at the airport.

  I remembered writing it and wanting to say so much more. When I'd arrived back in New York I transferred it to letter paper and then sent it.

  30 December 2005

  Dear Jean-Paul

  I'm writing this letter while I wait for my flight to start boarding. The last 3 weeks with you were just awesome. I really don't want to go home, but unfortunately I don't have a choice.

  I wish I could go back in time and I was now on the other side of these doors, arriving in Paris rather than leaving.

  All the fears I had about meeting you evaporated the moment we met.

  Your mom is a very kind person, very much like my mom. Even Audrey seemed to like me a little. Or maybe it was because of that special fish I got her.

  Jean-Paul, I hope you know how important and special you are to me. The things we experienced together... fuck, I don't even know what to write!

  I hope distance doesn't make things weird. I will look forward to your letters as always.

  Your best friend,

  Dorian

  Reading that letter brought a smile to my face and made my trousers feel a little tighter.

  The day I kissed a boy for the first time ever.

  On Christmas Eve, Jean-Paul and I walked from L’Arc de Triomphe along Les Champs Élysées toward Le Louvre, just like he'd done with his mom countless times. It had been a beautiful sunny day and not even that cold.

  People around us were rushing to finish the last of their Christmas shopping before everything closed. I’d f
elt a weird kind of electricity in the air, like something was going to happen that would change everything forever.

  I remember being unable to take my eyes off Jean-Paul that day. Maybe in hindsight that should have been a giveaway that this strange energy I’d felt had everything to do with his presence.

  6

  Jean-Paul

  I heard my mom coming back from her shopping and call out to me.

  "I'm here Maman."

  The bedroom door was open and she stood by the doorway, crossing her arms and smiling.

  "This was always your favorite spot. In front of the window, with Audrey curled up at your feet."

  "I miss Audrey, she was a good cat."

  Audrey had lived to the ripe old age of fourteen. I'd asked my mom why she never got another cat and she always waved me off saying she didn't want the responsibility again. I wondered if it was because she still felt it was wrong to replace Audrey.

  "When do you have to leave?" she asked.

  I looked at my watch.

  "Two hours. I think I'm going to keep reading these, if that's okay." I looked at the letters spread all around me on the sofa and on the floor. "Somehow it feels just right to be reading these today."