The Guilt Trip

by Sandie Jones

  Jack coughs and takes a swig of his drink. ‘That’s when she started hassling me, yes.’

  ‘So, before she’d met Will?’ asks Rachel, double-checking the facts.

  Jack thinks about it before nodding. ‘Yes, but I don’t see why you’re obsessing over the semantics because whichever way you look at it, you’re dealing with a pathological liar – pure and simple.’

  Rachel shakes her head. ‘Yet the selfless act of looking after her mother only makes her a better person.’

  Jack and Paige look at her, their expressions etched with confusion.

  ‘And the lie we thought she told about David Friedman appears to be true,’ Rachel goes on.

  ‘What’s your point?’ asks Jack.

  ‘My point,’ says Rachel, battling to keep her frustrations under control. ‘Is that it’s already been proven that she’s not quite the liar we had her down for.’

  Jack laughs disbelievingly.

  ‘So, I’m left wondering what else she’s said that might not be fabricated.’

  Jack looks from her to Page, like a rabbit caught in headlights.

  ‘Hi, excuse me,’ comes a voice from behind Rachel.

  She swings around to find Kimberley standing there, Ali’s cousin who she sat with at dinner the night before.

  ‘Oh, hi,’ she says, trying to curb her irritation at the untimely interruption.

  ‘I’m really sorry to bother you,’ Kimberley goes on, ‘but I just wondered if everything was all right.’ She’s speaking to Paige more than Rachel.

  ‘This is Ali’s cousin, Kimberley,’ offers Rachel.

  ‘Hello,’ says Kimberley unnecessarily. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be poking my nose in, but when I saw Ali out there with you a little while ago, she seemed to be upset.’

  Paige’s jaw tightens.

  ‘Is she okay? Has something happened?’

  ‘She’s fine,’ says Paige haughtily. ‘A few too many drinks have got her a little over-emotional, that’s all.’

  ‘Oh,’ says Kimberley, smiling, visibly relieved. ‘That’s hardly surprising – it’s a big occasion.’

  ‘It’s certainly that,’ agrees Paige, taking a cigarette and lighter out of her clutch that’s on the bar. ‘Can someone keep an eye on my bag? I’m going outside.’

  ‘I’ll join you,’ says Jack hurriedly, as if worried he’ll be left alone with Kimberley.

  ‘I didn’t mean to interfere,’ Kimberley says, fretting that she’s caused offence.

  ‘You didn’t,’ offers Rachel, as she pulls Paige’s bag towards her. ‘I’m glad I’ve got the chance to speak to you, actually.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Can I be open and honest with you?’ asks Rachel.

  Kimberley’s brow furrows, in anticipation of what she might be about to say. ‘Of course,’ she says.

  ‘Have you ever . . .?’ Rachel starts, before asking herself if this is really the right thing to do.

  Kimberley looks at her wide-eyed, waiting for her to go on.

  But Rachel knows she shouldn’t, because it will be crossing a line that she would never normally cross. Yet if those perimeters hadn’t already been infiltrated, she wouldn’t be in this position.

  ‘You’re family,’ says Rachel, with a smile to soften what she’s about to ask. ‘So you’ve known Ali for a long time, and you know her well.’

  Kimberley nods. ‘We’ve grown up together.’

  ‘So, have you ever felt that she . . .?’ Rachel racks her brain for the best way to put it. ‘That she embellishes the truth a little?’

  Rachel wants to close her eyes because she’s afraid that Kimberley’s horrified expression will confirm that it’s just her world that she’s messing with. And right now, it would be a great source of comfort to know that she fucks with everyone’s.

  But shockingly, and rather unexpectedly, Kimberley throws her head back and laughs. ‘She’s the biggest exaggerator I know,’ she says. ‘But that’s what makes her so fun and exciting to be around.’

  This isn’t going as well as Rachel hoped. She’s going to have to spell it out to her. ‘Last night, at the restaurant, I heard her tell you that she wasn’t ready to have children.’

  At this, Rachel notices, Kimberley baulks, showing the first sign that she may have hit some common ground.

  ‘But just the night before, she was telling Will that she couldn’t wait to start a family with him and that she wanted to start trying immediately.’

  Kimberley pulls herself up, as if doing so will better equip her to deal with the mud that Rachel’s slinging.

  ‘It’s a pretty big deal,’ Rachel pushes on. ‘She’s either desperate for them or she isn’t, but to lie to Will about something so important on the eve of their wedding is callous and cruel.’

  Kimberley nods her head as if she’s in full agreement. ‘I understand your concern,’ she says. ‘But I really don’t think you should be too worried about what she said to Will.’

  Rachel looks at her, taken aback. ‘But if she’s lied to him . . .’

  ‘She hasn’t lied to him,’ says Kimberley, cutting her off.

  ‘But how do you know?’

  ‘Because she lied to me,’ says Kimberley. ‘And I don’t blame her.’

  Rachel can’t get her head around what Kimberley’s saying, or why she’s so accepting of the fact. How is Ali always seemingly forgiven, no matter what she does?

  ‘I’m sorry,’ says Rachel. ‘I don’t understand.’

  Kimberley wipes a tear away. ‘Oh goodness, I’m sorry,’ she says, as if embarrassed.

  Rachel can’t help but put an arm around the woman’s shoulders. ‘I really didn’t mean to upset you.’

  ‘It’s not you,’ says Kimberley. ‘It’s just the situation. I just feel so sad that she felt the need to lie. It’s my fault. I made her do it.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ asks Rachel. ‘How can her lying to you be your fault?’

  Kimberley takes a deep breath. ‘I lost my baby six months ago.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ gasps Rachel.

  ‘I was almost full-term, but for reasons we’ll probably never know, it wasn’t to be.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ says Rachel, feeling gut-wrenchingly horrified that she’s making this woman, who she barely knows, recall the most unimaginable pain possible.

  ‘Ali was with me when it happened, and she stayed by my side until my husband was able to get home from where he was stationed abroad.’

  Rachel can feel a tightening at the back of her throat, but she doesn’t know whether it’s in response to what Kimberley’s been through or the realization that Ali might have had a reason for lying.

  ‘She’s been truly incredible ever since, making me laugh with her escapades and crying with me when I needed her to. I’ve been a limpet on her resources, selfishly draining her boundless optimism, when she should have been looking forward to this.’ She looks around. ‘Of course she wants children – she’s always wanted them – I’ve just made it very hard for her to admit that lately.’

  A panic is beginning to engulf Rachel, a vice-like grip that is snaking its way around her chest, making it difficult to breathe. ‘So . . .’ she manages. ‘She lied to protect you?’

  Kimberley nods. ‘Yes, but that doesn’t make her a bad person.’

  No, it doesn’t, thinks Rachel as she numbly walks away. In fact, it makes her an even better person than most.

  She looks out onto the terrace and sees Jack and Paige together, as if through new eyes. Jack’s face is intense as he looks at her, dragging hard on a cigarette, before tilting his head up skywards to exhale a perfectly straight line of smoke into the night sky.

  Paige is more pensive, surprisingly unconfident in her own skin, taking small furtive puffs and expelling them quickly. They look like a couple with a big problem. Rachel can’t help but wonder if it’s her.

  ‘What the hell’s going on?’ asks Noah, coming up beside her. They both silently look out at Jack and
Paige for a moment.

  Rachel turns to look at him. ‘I don’t think she’s told them,’ she says, unable to believe Ali might have kept her mouth shut.

  ‘She definitely hasn’t,’ says Noah. ‘Because Paige has just apologized and told me she loves me.’

  Rachel doesn’t know which of those anomalies leaves the bitterest taste. She pulls herself up, surprised by her own feelings.

  ‘Apologized for what?’ she asks.

  ‘I don’t know yet,’ says Noah. ‘That’s all she said when she came back in.’ Rachel raises her eyebrows, and Noah smiles. ‘I know, it unnerved me too!’

  ‘Seriously,’ she scolds. ‘You don’t think there’s anything in this, do you?’

  ‘What, between Jack and Paige?’

  Rachel nods.

  ‘Why would you even think that?’ he asks, as if it’s the most preposterous suggestion he’s ever heard.

  She looks at him as if to say, ‘They’d probably say the same about us.’

  ‘The impression I get is that Ali lies about everything,’ says Noah. ‘So, no, I don’t think there’s anything going on. Though, why she’d feel the need to say there is, I don’t know.’

  Rachel bites on her lip, wondering how she could even think to ask the question, but for some reason she can’t let it go. ‘How has Paige been?’

  Noah looks at her over his glass of wine, as if he can’t quite believe she’s asking it either. ‘In what way?’

  ‘Has she been her normal self?’ asks Rachel. ‘Or has she seemed . . . I don’t know, off?

  ‘Are you asking me if I think my wife is having an affair with your husband?’

  ‘I’m asking you if anything has been amiss recently.’

  Noah shrugs his shoulders. ‘She’s had a lot of work on, but that’s nothing new.’

  Rachel nods. ‘Late nights?’

  ‘Yes, but like I say, that’s nothing new.’

  Rachel thinks back to all the late-night shifts Jack’s been putting in at work recently; the dinners that have had to be put back in the oven; the plans that have had to be cancelled; the nights where the Christian Louboutins have gone back in their box because she was tired of waiting.

  ‘Jack had to stay in town the Wednesday before last,’ she says, as if to herself.

  Noah’s face suddenly changes, as if the enormity of such a possibility is dawning on him for the first time.

  ‘It’s nothing,’ she says, shaking herself down, unable to believe she’s allowed her mind to go there. ‘It’s nothing.’

  ‘I think you’re barking up the wrong tree,’ says Noah gently. ‘Though that’s not to say that I wouldn’t put it past Jack . . .’

  ‘To have an affair?’ she asks.

  Noah’s silence speaks volumes.

  ‘So, you’re saying you think he is?’ she asks.

  ‘I just wouldn’t be surprised,’ is all he says, but it feels like he’s forcing himself to stop there in case he divulges something he shouldn’t.

  ‘If you know something . . .’

  ‘Come on, Rach,’ he groans. ‘You’re putting me in an impossible position.’

  ‘You’re supposed to be my friend,’ she says.

  He tilts his head to the side, as if offended by her questioning his loyalty. ‘You know better than to question which side of the fence I’m on.’

  ‘Do I?’ she asks, knowing she’s playing devil’s advocate. ‘Because from where I’m standing, it’s not looking too clear-cut.’

  Noah smiles wryly. ‘Don’t make this about you and me. You know my stance on this. You know how I feel about Jack.’

  Rachel looks at him, taken aback. She has no idea how he feels about Jack, because they’ve never discussed it. ‘Wouldn’t this be a good time to tell me?’ she asks.

  He looks down at his feet, as if weighing up the pros and cons of divulging what he’s clearly been keeping hidden. Rachel wonders if it’s based on just the last few days, or whether he’s got years of disclosures to make.

  Noah confirms it’s the latter when he says, ‘I’ve never thought he was good enough for you.’

  Rachel laughs tightly at the sweeping statement. ‘Is that Jack specifically, or would that judgement befall any man I happened to fall in love with?’

  ‘I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy,’ he says.

  ‘And until I came here, I was!’ she says, her voice high-pitched.

  ‘Exactly,’ says Noah. ‘That’s why I’ve always kept my opinion to myself because you would only have held it against me.’

  ‘Jack’s treated me well,’ she says.

  ‘Until he didn’t,’ he says, finishing the sentence for her.

  Rachel feels the sting of tears in her eyes as she looks at him. Good, dependable Noah, who always gives it to her straight. Except now, just for once, she wants him to sugar-coat it and lie, because that feels like the only way she’s going to get through this.

  ‘Do you think he knows what we did?’ Rachel says, feeling like she can’t breathe.

  ‘What we did?’ repeats Noah. ‘You say it with such disdain, as if it was the worst thing you’ve ever done.’

  ‘It was!’ she snaps, as a tear falls onto her cheek. ‘I’ve never regretted anything as much as I regret that.’

  The shock on Noah’s face makes her feel sick, as if she’s been punched in the stomach. The hurt in his eyes is decades old, and since the beginning of time, when he’s hurt, she’s hurt. To know she’s caused his pain breaks her. She wants to take it back, to tell him the truth: that that night was incredible, that he’d made her feel the most special she’d ever felt, that it was everything she had imagined it would be. But that would only fan the fire that’s burning precariously close to their fingertips – the ones that are clinging onto a perilous ledge, desperately trying to hold on.

  ‘Well, just for the record,’ says Noah quietly. ‘The only regret I have is that I couldn’t persuade you to come away with me.’

  ‘Just because you didn’t get what you wanted, doesn’t give you the right to question Jack’s loyalty. I made the decision to stay.’

  ‘Because of him,’ says Noah bitterly.

  ‘I loved him,’ she says, though even before the words are out, she knows it was a close-run race.

  And now, as she watches Paige’s Tiffany heart bracelet slip down as she stubs out her cigarette, she’s wondering if she backed the wrong horse.

  24

  ‘Ali,’ says Rachel quietly, almost hoping she doesn’t hear her.

  ‘Hey, sister-in-law,’ says Will drunkenly, noticing her between them and pulling her under his arm to join in a rendition of ‘New York, New York’.

  ‘Hey,’ she says, forcing herself to sound upbeat. ‘Are you having a good time?’

  ‘How can I not be?’ he says, looking lovingly at Ali, who is discreetly inching away from Rachel. ‘Look at my gorgeous bride!’

  Rachel smiles. ‘She looks beautiful, doesn’t she?’

  ‘She sure does,’ Will slurs.

  ‘And that necklace is gorgeous,’ says Rachel. ‘Was that a gift from you?’

  Will smiles broadly. ‘Yep, I left it under her pillow for her to find this morning.’

  Rachel’s heart sinks, at the realization that Ali being Jack’s mistress was the better option. Because, as bizarre as it seems, that’s preferable, given the alternative.

  ‘Could I have a word?’ she says to Ali, who is still actively trying to put as much space between them as she can.

  Ali looks at her apprehensively.

  ‘Please,’ begs Rachel.

  Ali gives an almost imperceptible nod and leans up to kiss Will. ‘I’m just popping outside for a minute,’ she says.

  He stops dancing and seems to sober up in an instant. ‘Is everything all right?’

  Ali nods and smiles, but he still looks to Rachel as if needing extra assurance.

  ‘Yes, I just need to borrow her for a couple of minutes,’ says Rachel.

  ‘Okay,’ he
says, turning around to link arms with his friends who are all kicking their legs in time with the music.

  Rachel leads the way out of the restaurant, turning right so as not to end up joining Jack and Paige on the terrace. She finds herself at the back of the kitchen and anxiously fiddles with her wedding ring for the few seconds it takes for Ali to join her.

  ‘I’m not going to stand here and get abused,’ is the first thing she says as she comes around the corner.

  Rachel holds her hands up, as if in surrender. ‘I know, and I’m not intending to. I just want to ask you a few questions.’

  Ali looks around warily, as if checking her escape route if she needs one.

  ‘Have you ever slept with Jack?’ asks Rachel.

  ‘No!’ says Ali, as if appalled by the mere suggestion.

  ‘But you think he’s sleeping with Paige?’

  ‘I know he’s sleeping with Paige.’

  Rachel swallows the taste that’s souring her tongue. ‘How . . .?’ she starts, before clearing her throat. ‘How can you be so sure?’

  ‘Because I’ve seen them together, more than once,’ says Ali, looking at her feet. ‘The first time was when I was working with him.’

  Rachel clamps a hand to her mouth. ‘It’s been going on for that long?’

  Ali nods. ‘I don’t know how long exactly, but I first saw them over eighteen months ago.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘I just happened to be behind him as I walked home one evening and he met her outside the Ham Yard Hotel.’

  Rachel tsks, hoping that Ali’s put two and two together and come up with five. ‘That doesn’t necessarily mean . . .’

  ‘He kissed her,’ says Ali quietly. ‘In a way that you don’t kiss your wife’s best friend.’

  Hot bile bites at the back of Rachel’s throat as she pictures it; the image so alien that their faces melt as soon as their lips touch.

  ‘Why haven’t you told me before now?’ asks Rachel. ‘I thought we were friends.’

  ‘We are,’ says Ali. ‘But you and Paige are a lot closer and I had no idea how you would take it from me. I didn’t want it to ruin what we had, especially once I knew I was going to be part of the family.’ She looks to Rachel for some semblance of understanding, but she’s too shaken to give it.