Her Christmas Wish ; Designed by Love

by Sherelle Green

  “What if what I need is to take a step back from dating?” she said, her voice cracking. “Am I completely insane for finally getting the man I’ve always wanted, but taking time to process everything that has happened?”

  “You’re not insane,” Danni said. “And if Luke truly loves you, he’ll understand that you need time.”

  Autumn placed a hand over Kyra’s. “It’s understandable that you need to process the fact that you and Luke have finally gotten together because you’ve spent the better part of your life thinking it would never happen.”

  Kyra took a sip of her mimosa. “We haven’t said ‘I love you’ yet.”

  “That man loves you,” Winter said. “And you love him. We all see it whether you’ve said the words or not.”

  “I stopped believing in fairy tales the day he rejected me,” Kyra confessed. “And then up he pops into LA, making me remember all the reasons why I feel for him in the first place.”

  “Ugh, men,” Danni said. “With their goofy grins and sexy smiles and masculine swag. I swear, if I didn’t love Jaleen, I’d be ready to kill him with the mess he’s always putting me through.”

  Autumn sighed. “Then, when life knocks you down and reminds you that you don’t have everything under control, there they go, saving the day by helping you remember that you are a strong black female and were made to overcome obstacles and rise above all adversity.”

  “Amen,” Winter said, nodding her head.

  “Ditto,” Summer said. “Then they make sweet love to you, making you feel more beautiful than you ever have in your life, and next thing you know, you’re pregnant and pushing a small human out of your tiny hole.”

  Kyra was glad she’d finished her drink because she would have spit it across the table. “Uh, not there yet, guys, and based off how you described that, I think I’m good for now.”

  “We always think we’re good,” Autumn stated. “Until that test shows up positive. I love our kids, but my hips haven’t been the same since I pushed those rascals out.”

  “But the sex is worth it, though,” Winter said, a dreamy look on her face.

  “Ugh, I’m trying to forget that two of you are married to my brothers.”

  Winter’s eyes widened. “Oh, right. Glad you reminded me before I started describing what Taheim did to me last night.”

  “Oh, my God, I can’t with you,” Kyra said with a laugh. She’d been trying to get Winter to filter her sexcapade conversations since she started dating her brother.

  “I can share instead,” Summer offered. “Since no one is related to my husband.”

  Kyra nodded. “Please do!”

  “Then Kyra can tell us how good Luke is in the bedroom,” Winter suggested, wagging her eyebrows.

  “Now that, I can talk about,” she said with a smile. “Let me just say, it was well worth the wait to finally get to sample some of Luke O’Connor.”

  “I knew it,” Autumn said with a smirk. “I bet y’all had sex first, talked after, right? Too much sexual tension to hold off on that convo.”

  “Wait, don’t answer that,” Danni said. “This calls for more drinking. Where is the waiter?” Danni glanced around. When she finally spotted him, she lifted her empty glass in the air. “Buddy, we need another round of mimosas.” Kyra wasn’t sure if it was because the waiter could tell that Danni meant business or if he was just a fast server, but three minutes later, they had a fresh round of mimosas and the stories started flowing.

  * * *

  Kyra had really needed to talk to her girls, but now that she’d gotten advice and decided to be honest, she didn’t know how to act toward Luke. A part of her wanted to save the conversation for when they got back to LA tomorrow, but he’d been sweet all day, placing soft kisses on her cheek even when her family was around. And he’d made sure she’d stayed hydrated despite the fact that she’d only been drinking mimosas.

  He’d even been fielding questions from her relatives all day, playing the role of perfect boyfriend, and it seemed everyone in her family had agreed. They were great together. And her sisters-in-law and friends were Team Luke, even though they also encouraged her to be honest with him about what she was feeling.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked, after he’d given her a tour of his condo.

  “Everything is fine,” she said, taking a seat beside him on the couch. He looked like he didn’t quite believe her, but he didn’t push her.

  “Do you want to watch a movie? I think one of the Avengers movies is on HBO right now.”

  “That would be great,” she said while he flipped to the channel. They’d watched movies together while they were in LA, so she curled up into his side just like she did when they were back home. The only problem was she still couldn’t ignore what was going on in her mind.

  “Actually, I lied before,” she said, sitting upright. “Everything isn’t fine.”

  Luke muted the television. “What’s wrong?”

  Kyra sighed, trying to find her words. “How do you feel about me?” she asked.

  He smiled. “I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about anyone in my life. Even more than that, but I’m not sure you’re ready to hear the words.”

  “I’m not,” she said. “Because my gut is telling me that you’re in love with me and the problem is, I’m in love with you, too.”

  “How is that a problem?” he asked hopefully. “We haven’t said the words, but we know we’re in love with each other. Have been for years.”

  “That’s just it,” she said. “I haven’t known you felt that way for years. You only just told me how you felt about me recently. I’ve spent so much time convincing myself that my feelings for you were only one-sided and now, you come back into my life telling me that was never the case.”

  “It wasn’t,” he stated, taking her hands in his. “I just wasn’t ready to accept my feelings.”

  She nodded. “I understand, but regardless, our past changed me in a lot of ways. And now that we are together, I’m just so unsure about things.”

  “Unsure in what way?” he asked.

  She closed her eyes, then opened them to find a pair of sympathetic ones staring back at her. “This is so hard for me,” she said, her voice slightly breaking. “To finally be with the man who broke my heart and changed the way I viewed every relationship after that moment is more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. How do you put your feelings aside after all this time?” she asked.

  Luke studied her eyes. “I don’t know. I knew I’d hurt you that night, but I guess I never knew I’d caused you so much pain.”

  “You did,” she said, unshed tears drifting to her eyelids. But she refused to cry. She’d never been a crier and she wasn’t going to start now. “You’ve finally realized that I’m the woman you’ve always been meant to be with and as much as I’ve waited most my life to hear that, a part of me still sees you as the man who walked out on me after I bared my soul. The man who rejected my love in a way that hit me harder than I ever could have imagined.”

  Luke leaned back on the couch, surprise evident in his features. “I am so sorry that I put you through that, Kyra. If I could take it back, I would.”

  “I know. But you can’t, and honestly, I’m not sure I would even want you to. I became a woman that night. Up until then, my life had been going how I’d expected with not many twists and turns, yet you came and turned my world upside down whether you meant to or not. It’s not fair of me to still be harboring these feelings toward you when you’ve apologized to me time and time again. But they are there, lingering beneath the surface, and I’m worried that if I don’t address them, this won’t go any further.”

  “What are you saying?” he asked, looking defeated.

  “I’m saying that I need time to think,” she said. “I’m not saying we have to break up, but I do need a break to figure out
how to get over this.”

  “That’s the same as breaking up,” he said. “Can’t we work through it together?”

  She shook her head. “I need to work through this on my own. But I don’t expect you to wait around for me. So date, go out, do whatever you want to do.”

  Luke frowned. “I don’t want anyone but you, so I’ll wait for you. Take all the time you need.”

  Kyra released Luke’s hand and stood. “I’ll stay at Autumn and Ajay’s tonight, but I’ll see you at the airport in the morning.”

  “So you’re really leaving right now?” Luke said. “You can’t just stay here tonight?”

  She shook her head. “I could, but I don’t think that would be good for either one of us. Just like I need time to process things, you do, too. Having me here would just be a distraction.”

  “It wouldn’t be,” he said, shaking his head. “We’ve spent every night sleeping beside each other since we started dating. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep well ever again if you leave.”

  “You’ll be fine,” she said as she grabbed her purse and walked over to her traveling duffel, which was still by the front door. “This is hard for me, too, Luke, but I hope you’ll respect my wishes. I’ll text you when I get to Autumn’s.”

  Without giving it another thought, she shut the door and began walking toward the elevator. Halfway there, she almost thought about turning back, but she reminded herself that she needed this. She owed it to herself to figure out why, after finally landing the man she’d always wanted, she was feeling a little overwhelmed by everything.

  Chapter 17

  “Enough of this,” Nash said, cutting off the television.

  “I was watching that,” Luke said, reaching for the remote.

  “Not anymore. You’ve spent the week going to work, then the gym, then sitting here watching all these horror movies every day.”

  “That’s because horror movies have little romance,” Luke said. “And when they do, one of them usually dies.”

  Nash shook his head. “How many times do I have to tell you that Kyra telling you she has to do some thinking is temporary. Anyone who knows the two of you knows that you will be back together in no time. You know what’s not fair? Subjecting me to having to watch you pout every day.”

  “I don’t pout,” he said. “Men don’t pout.”

  “Oh, but you do, brother, and trust me, it ain’t cute.”

  “You don’t know for sure that we’ll get back together. She could decide she’s done for good.”

  “Luke, she was hurt for years over how you rejected her, so do you both a favor and let her take all the time she needs. She’s allowed to, bruh.”

  “I know and I told her I was cool with it, but I’m not,” he said. “I don’t want to get her only to lose her again. It took us too long to get to this point. And I refuse to let that man be right.”

  “What man?” Nash asked. “Kyra is dating someone else?”

  “What? No, she isn’t.” Luke grew quiet, choosing his next words carefully. “Back in the day, my dad—our dad—was the first one to pick up on my feelings for Kyra. Said he noticed how I was always watching her, enjoying her company. I told him that we were just friends, which back then, we were. I mean, I was young and at one point in time, I really tried to treat Kyra as if she were a sister. Hell, for many years, she was like a sister to me.” Luke sighed. He needed to own up to some stuff because how he treated Kyra on her twenty-first birthday wasn’t the only thing weighing heavy on his heart. “I guess now is a good time to tell you that I lied before when you asked me if I’d ever suspected that he was cheating on my mom, because the truth is, I did suspect it. I even caught him a few times.”

  For a split second, Nash looked surprised. Then, he shrugged and said, “I figured. Had this gut feeling.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah, I can tell when you’re lying. I figured you had your reasons for not telling me.”

  Luke frowned. “When your investigator found me, I was mad at myself for not questioning my dad more. For not telling my mom what he was up to earlier. For not being the type of brother you needed me to be.”

  “Luke, I don’t blame you for that man disowning me,” Nash said. “You were a kid. He was an adult. I asked you if you suspected he’d stepped out on Athena, but I feel like I knew the answer before I even asked.”

  “I shouldn’t have lied about it,” Luke admitted.

  “Nah, you shouldn’t have. But we still have a lot to work on to build that trust with each other. I mean, I trust you, but I know you have your secrets just like I have mine.”

  “You’re right,” Luke said. “And I know you always say you wish you knew him, but be glad you don’t. He wasn’t a good man. He pretended to be and I let my friends think he was, but he wasn’t.”

  “When I spent the day with your mom, she pretty much said the same thing.”

  “It’s the truth,” Luke continued. “He was the type of man who made you believe that if he wasn’t worth anything, then you wouldn’t be worth anything, either. He cheated on my mom, said my grandfather cheated on my grandmother. He made certain things seem like they were just the way of life and I knew better, but he was my dad and I wanted to keep my relationship with him intact.”

  “I’d probably felt the same way,” Nash admitted. “Even knowing the type of man he is, I still want to meet him even though I try to convince myself I don’t have to.”

  Luke nodded his head. “That’s understandable. And even though I’ve mentioned it before, if you really want to track him down, I think I can. There’s a few States he seems to frequent, depending on the time of year.”

  “I appreciate it,” Nash said. “And when I’m ready, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, you got to figure out a way to not let him take more from you.”

  Luke squinted. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you waited a while before you told your mom that your dad was cheating on her. You waited over a year to tell me that you knew our father had been cheating. You waited over a decade before you admitted to yourself and Kyra how you feel about her. Bruh, you pull the trigger fast when it comes to other aspects in your life, but the more serious the issue, the more you hold back information.”

  Luke sunk deeper into the couch—Nash’s words were really getting to him. “You’re right,” he admitted. “I guess in a way, I’ve never wanted to see someone hurt or, better yet, I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news.”

  “That’s not healthy, man,” Nash said. “You can’t go through life keeping so many secrets and carrying around so much baggage. Especially when that baggage isn’t only yours to carry.”

  Call it brother’s intuition, but as Luke looked to Nash, it was almost as if he could tell Nash knew what Luke needed to say. Like he had a feeling that the last secret Luke was keeping was important.

  “I promise you, I did not think about this until a couple days ago,” Luke said honestly. “But I know—I may know—” Crap. He couldn’t even get the words out.

  “You think you know who my birth mother is, don’t you?” Nash asked.

  Luke sighed, partially in relief and partially in guilt for not realizing it sooner. “Yeah, I think I do. That day our father had the conversation with me about Kyra, he mentioned something about wishing she was at least eighteen. It had thrown me off, but I knew what he was fishing at. She was, like, thirteen at the time, and like I said before, I really did look at her like a sister at one point. But the anger I felt when her and Taheim stopped by the house one day and I caught our father looking at her in a way he shouldn’t have, it disgusted me. I never invited them over again after that.”

  “Understandable,” Nash said, clenching his jaw. “And I feel like I’m really not prepared for what you’re gonna say next.”

  “Want to shelve the conversation for another ti
me?”

  Nash shook his head. “Nah, keep going. I can handle it.”

  Luke took a deep breath. “Not only was that the day he stopped being my father, but something in me snapped. I was graduating soon, anyway, and I remember distancing myself from Taheim and Jaleen because I couldn’t cope with anything.” Luke cleared his throat. “When I was visiting home that summer after college, there was a woman waiting outside the house when I got there. Right away, I noticed that she was that same young woman I’d caught in the house. She seemed out of it and I didn’t know if it was drugs or what, but she was rattling on about our father making her life a living hell and that she gave away the most important thing in her life because of him.

  “When I asked her to explain, her eyes widened and she recognized who I was, too. Even though I wasn’t trying to run her off since all I wanted was answers to my questions, she made up some lie about being a Jehovah’s Witness and left. I never saw her again and I put the entire incident behind me. I truthfully have not thought about that in a while.”

  For a few minutes, neither brother said anything and Luke wondered if he’d laid too much on Nash too soon. However, he was grateful when Nash said, “It’s because of Kyra. That’s why you didn’t remember.”

  “Huh?” Luke asked.

  “Since you’re five years older than Kyra, I assume growing up, liking her felt wrong, correct?”

  Luke nodded. “It did.”

  “And knowing you, you didn’t want any sign of thinking you were like our father, so you pushed that shit far from your mind.”

  Luke swallowed, unsure of how he should feel since he’d never heard anyone voice his biggest fear out loud before. “Yes, that’s right.”

  Nash shook his head. “Luke, from what I’ve heard, you sound nothing like our father and all that asshole did was put you in a position to have to lie to those close to you. I appreciate you telling me about that woman you caught outside your house and, yeah, she could be my mother. But while I was listening to you, all I was thinking about was how unimportant both of my birth parents are right now.”