“Aye, it would be, if the English weren’t sae determined tae make our lives difficult.”
“When do you think the fighting will be over?” Ellen asked. In this place it was almost impossible to imagine that there was any fighting to be had. The land was quiet, and the rest of the world seemed so far away. It didn’t seem right that this soft grass underneath them should be stained with blood, or that these people would be carved apart by swords and arrows. There was something inherently wrong with war and violence. Intellectually she had always known, but first with her father’s death and now in knowing Duncan she felt dread whenever warriors talked about war, for again and again they went into battle and there was only one inevitable conclusion. Oh yes, they might well delay it for a time, with lady fortune smiling upon them and granting them a few more days to spend under the sun, but eventually their luck would run out and their blood would spill. It was the nature of things.
“I dinnae ken. Maybe never. It hae nae stopped before. Perhaps we may be lucky and something else will distract the English for a wee while, but I must fight tae the end, whatever that end might be. My life is nae my own unfortunately, same as my father’s. It belongs tae them.” He referred to the village, to his people, to the ones who couldn’t defend themselves. Ellen was filled with awe at his sense of noble purpose and her heart swelled with emotion. Her eyes swam with tears and she held his gaze for a long time. When he leaned in close to her she didn’t flinch. When she felt his warm breath washing over her lips she tingled. Her eyes closed as he pressed his mouth upon hers and vibrant feelings burst in vivid colors all over her body. She moaned softly as her body yielded to his, surrendered to the hot feelings that flowed like a warm river all over her body. The moon was their only witness, and gone was the doubt and the fear of being attracted to this Highlander, because in this moment he wasn’t a Highlander. He was simply Duncan, a man with a pure heart who had captured her attention, and her love.
7
A new dawn rose and Ellen awoke feeling invigorated. She had taken to life in the Highlands far more naturally than she assumed she would have, and it had been helped by Duncan’s presence. He was an anchor to her, a pivot upon which this new phase of her life could turn. Those Highlanders who had been suspicious of the girl when she had arrived were now placated by her efforts to help the community. She could call them friends and often talked with them about the matters of the day.
The kiss she shared with Duncan lingered on her mouth. She could still taste him when she ran her tongue along her lips, and the warm feeling of desire flowed through her blood, lifting her up, making her feel as though she could glide and float across the air rather than walk. Their kiss had been something hidden in the depths of the night and she had no idea what should happen now. Like the rest of her life, affection had been highly regimented by routine, cloaked in rules and procedure. She had never let anything just happen before. It was liberating and scary all at the same time, but what she was certain of was that she couldn’t wait to see Duncan again.
When she emerged from the hut that had been her shelter she noticed some commotion. Duncan and the other members of his army were saddling their horses. She rushed up with concern etched upon her face. Duncan had a stern look and although she wanted so badly to talk to him about what they had shared the previous night, she knew it was not the time.
“What’s happening?” she asked.
“There’s a patrol of Englishmen coming this way. We’re going tae head them off before they get tae close. I thought we’d manage tae keep this place hidden, but evidently that is nae the case. I thought they might stop for a while after they managed tae win the last battle, but it seems they have nae had enough of war yet.” His face was set into a grim countenance and now she saw the warrior as well as the kind-hearted man who wanted to help people.
She had seen her father go off to war before, but somehow this was different. Perhaps it was because she knew more about the conflict this time and was more aware of the deadly effects, or maybe it was because her feelings for Duncan were different to her feelings for her father. If only her mother were here so that she could talk about this...Myra must have gone through the same kind of feelings. Oh how cruel it would be if Duncan should be taken from Ellen’s life now. There had already been so much ripped away from her in such a short space of time. She couldn’t bear anything else to happen. She wanted to tear Duncan away, to plead and beg with him to stay, but she didn’t because she knew there was no point. This was in her nature and she couldn’t very well be selfish enough to stop him from defending this village.
He mounted his horse and they began to ride away, but before he left Ellen tugged at his tunic and caught his attention.
“Duncan, before you leave please, try and find some word of my mother. I need to know if she’s alive or not.”
Duncan frowned, but he agreed, noting the desperation in her voice. Ellen gave him some details of her name and what she looked like. She knew it was a forlorn hope because there wouldn’t be much time for Duncan to ask the enemy about Myra, but Ellen had to try. “There’s one more thing as well Duncan,” she said. He turned back once again. “Please, try your best to come home alive.”
“I will lass. We hae unfinished business,” he said. He gave her a wink and that twinkle in his eye settled her nerves. It wouldn’t quite ease all the anxiety that swam in her stomach, but it reassured her knowing that he was confident. She drew strength from him, and she steeled herself against the grim thoughts that were running through her mind. Duncan was going to return.
He was.
Unfortunately, Ellen had to wait days for him to return. Each minute became more difficult than the last to endure, and each day seemed like an eternity. She kept herself busy enough, but she wasn’t the only one who was nervous. Some of the other women gave her advice on how to keep her mind off things, but deep down they were all worried about the men who went to fight. Part of Ellen wished that she had gone with them because at least then she wouldn’t have to wait for word.
What was this emotion that burst within her heart? How frail and tender her heart was! It seemed wrong and impossible for her to feel this way about Duncan, a Highlander. He was so far removed from everything she was supposed to find in a husband. He was noble in heart, but not in name. He was an honorable gentleman in conduct, but he did not hold any titles, not any given to him by the state at any rate. He was rugged and wild, a reflection of the nature he had a symbiotic relationship with. He was a brutal warrior who showed compassion to those in need. Duncan was a man of contradictions all tangled up to create this strong, attractive monument of a man who had somehow crossed her path. He had become a constant in her life ever since they had met, a dependable rock when everything else in her life had been torn asunder. Without him she wasn’t sure what she had left, and now he was riding off to battle and he might never return.
They had shared one kiss, a kiss that had meant everything to her at the time, but now in the harsh light of day it almost seemed like a dream. Had it really happened? She pressed her fingers to her lips and traced the touch of him. Her lips were soft and pliable, his hand had been hard, firm, with all the strength and passion of a maelstrom. At the time it had seemed to be a prelude to something more, but now that depended on the whims of fate.
Ellen waited in anguish for him to return. Every time there was a sudden noise she looked up, expecting to see him riding triumphantly back like the hero these people proclaimed him to be. To them, he was larger than life; a legend, a myth. But she knew he was flesh and blood and as vulnerable as anyone else. Rain came down in a thick storm and extinguished the fire in the village, making a huge plume of smoke rise into the air. Dark clouds made everything murky and grey. Ellen was afraid these were grim portents, as though nature was preparing to mourn its kin. Thunder rolled and lightning flashed. Darkness fell around the world and she shivered, cowering alone with her thoughts.
Two days passed when finally the r
iders returned. The knotted anxiety that had been growing in Ellen’s gut unwound, causing so great a relief that she almost passed out. The ground was soft and muddy as the rain had slashed against the ground for the better part of two days. The world was now awash with a damp sheen. Drops hung on blades of grass and it was as though everything had been cleansed. The warriors were muddy and their tunics were covered in dark smudges. They looked as though they had risen from the earth, summoned by nature to defend it. Ellen searched the returning heroes for the man she awaited...and there he was, sitting on his horse, as mighty and confident as he was when he left. She rushed up to him and greeted him emphatically. He had a grim countenance on his face.
They had not returned unharmed.
“It was a small party,” Duncan said, “but they fought well. Seamus and Alec did nae make it.” There were groans upon hearing his heavy words and Ellen felt sorrow all around her. The mood was palpable. Duncan and the other men alighted from their horses.
“I brought ye a wee gift,” he said, turning to Ellen. Ellen looked at him, confused. He snapped his fingers and two of his men brought forward another man, one who looked decidedly the worse for wear. A streak of dry blood flowed down the side of his face like cracked paint. His hands were bound behind his back, and his teeth were crooked and broken. There was an ugly welt on his forehead where he had been struck by a heavy weapon. No doubt the Highlanders had lived up to their reputation as brutal, strong warriors. The man was flung to the ground before Ellen, falling to his knees.
“Tell her what ye told me,” he said.
The Englishman snarled at Duncan and didn’t speak. One of the Highlanders thrust a knee into the man’s back, almost sending him flying face first into the mud. The Englishman spat out a glob of phlegm and turned his gaze towards Ellen.
“Your mother is alive. She’s at Alan Johnson’s estate, as should you be,” the Englishman said with a lot of derision. He glared at those around him. “I can’t believe you would be here with your father’s enemies,” he spat. “No wonder your mother is losing the will to live. If I had a traitorous daughter like you I’d be losing my mind as well.”
Ellen gasped. This hadn’t been the man’s first battle and he must have been told that Ellen was missing. If Myra was with Alan then there was no wonder; they must have sent word out and sounded the alarm. They could never have known that Ellen had chosen to stay here of her own volition. Her heart leaped when she discovered that her mother was alive, only to be tempered with the knowledge that Ellen’s absence must have caused so much heartbreak for Myra.
“We dinnae usually take prisoners,” Duncan said, “but I did what ye asked.” With a toss of the head he directed the other Highlanders to drag the Englishman away. Ellen was concerned about how this might look to her mother and Alan. Sometimes it was easy to forget that these Highlanders had fought her father in battle, but they were just trying to defend their home. The English were her people, but she couldn’t side with them in this instance. And yet if the Highlanders had killed her father…war was such a messy business and it didn’t seem as though either side was in the right. The world would have been better if war could be done away with completely.
While the other Highlanders were rejoicing at the victory and at the return of their heroes, Ellen turned away from them all and put her hand to her mouth. Her hair fell around her face in thick strands, hiding her tears from the world. Choking sobs escaped her lips and her entire body trembled. She felt for all the world completely alone. But then she felt a hand gripping her shoulder. Duncan’s strength became her strength, and his essence emboldened her core.
8
“Ellen, what is on ye mind?” Duncan asked. Ellen blinked back tears and led him away from the celebrating Highlanders. She had no idea what they were going to do with the prisoner they had taken, and at this moment she didn’t have room in her heart to worry about anyone else, as cruel as that may have seemed. Her mind was entirely focused on her mother, the woman she had abandoned. So caught up with life in the Highlands she had given up on the thought that her mother could be alive, and so Myra had to live alone with the knowledge that the Highlanders had captured Ellen and, in Myra’s mind, were doing unspeakable things to her.
“My mother. I can’t believe I have left her this long. You told me…I thought she was dead,” Ellen choked.
“I’m sorry Ellen. I did nae think anyone could hae survived that. The chance was slim, if any.”
“I need to go back to her. I know where she is now. I should have known,” she said, and fear clutched at her. Of course Myra would have gone back to Alan’s estate. It was so simple and straightforward; Ellen had to admit to herself that she had convinced herself not to go. She would have ended up where she didn’t want to be: with Alan, set to marry him. This small window in her life where she had been freed of her responsibilities had been wonderful, utterly wonderful, but it had just been an illusion. This wasn’t what her life could actually be. As her father always said, sometimes in life sacrifices had to be made for the family; her role had always been to be married to ensure the safety and prosperity of the family. At the moment Myra was being taken care of by Alan because it was his duty as Ellen’s intended husband. But if the marriage was not happening he would have no reason other than the kindness in his heart to give Myra shelter, and she was not sure how far Alan’s kindness would extend.
But even disregarding that, Ellen hated the idea of never seeing her mother again. As much as this life promised adventure and wonder, there were some things she depended on, and Myra was one of them. Myra must have been in so much pain and Ellen could alleviate that by going to see her. She had fooled herself into thinking that this could have lasted forever. This wasn’t the life that was meant for her.
“I need to get back to her,” she said.
“Ellen, it’s a long way back. Ye know how dangerous it is,” Duncan said.
“I don’t care. I need to see her. I can’t imagine how much anguish she’s in because she doesn’t know what’s happened to me. I have stayed here too long, ignored my duties for too long…” A wild idea flashed through her mind. She turned around and gazed up at Duncan with wide, glistening eyes. His hand moved from her shoulder, slipping down to rest beside her hand. She tilted her neck back so she could look at him directly. His hair was matted together and dirt clung to his arms and face. His red beard was a darker shade and his tunic was torn, slashed by swords. Despite all this he retained his handsome visage and his eyes still twinkled. Oh how difficult it was to imagine tearing herself away from him, when the floodgates of her heart had been opened and deep emotions had begun to flow out.
“Why don’t you come with me Duncan? You can escort me through the woods. I would be safe.”
Duncan’s gaze fell. “Ye know I cannae dae that. If they saw me with ye they’d assume ye were my prisoner. They’d kill me on sight.”
“I can explain everything to them. I can sit you both down and we can talk this through. You can tell them why you’re defending this territory and perhaps come to some agreement. We might be able to avoid further fighting.”
He understood that she wanted him with her, but what she just said was childish. “The English dinnae want tae talk tae me. They just want tae take. As soon as they see me they’ll put me in chains and parade me around as an example of their cunning and their might, and ye’ll always regret that ye were the one who gave me tae them. Besides, I cannae leave these people lass. I want to come with you. But I need tae defend them because without me…aye…the future is bleak.”
A moment of silence passed between them as they realized what was happening. This was their moment of goodbye.
“Dae ye hae tae leave lass? Stay here, build a life with me. I know it’s nae what ye hoped for in ye future and I cannae give ye a large estate, but I want ye tae stay.”
“Duncan…”
“I know it’s crazy, but there hae been something different about ye. I’ve known that ever si
nce I first laid eyes on ye. Tae ye I’m nae some kind of hero, I’m just a man.” He stroked her cheek with the outside of his hand and shivers ran through her body. “I hae never known anyone like ye, and I hae never felt this way before. The kiss last night…” He trailed off and leaned down. Ellen was unable to resist. She offered him her lips and once again fire erupted within her, but this time it was only for a moment as she tore herself away and shook her head vehemently.
“No Duncan, I can’t. If I kiss you now I know I’m never going to leave. But I must. I cannot leave my mother alone. I’m the only family she has left and I cannot leave her be. She needs me, and I need her. I’m sorry.”
“But lass…I’ve fallen in love with ye.”
Ellen groaned and almost wished he hadn’t said this. “Duncan, don’t make this harder than it has to be,” she said, trying to stop her voice from trembling. She erected a dam inside her mind to prevent her turbulent emotions from flooding out, but cracks were already beginning to appear under the weight of the onslaught. She knew that if she turned away from Duncan now she would never likely return. Neither Alan nor her mother would allow that; she’d have to go back to the life she didn’t want and try to fulfill her duties as best she could, because that was what was expected of her. It was painful to hear him say those words when it should have been the happiest thing she could have heard. All she wanted was to tell him that she felt the same way and fling her arms around him, enjoying the sweet passion of his kiss again.
But she couldn’t.
She had to be as strong as steel, as unbending as a mountain, because this wasn’t just her life. She had Myra to think about as well.
And that’s why she wasn’t angry at Duncan for refusing to come with her either. He had made a pledge a long time ago to protect these people. He couldn’t very well leave them now, not even for love. If he did then he wouldn’t be the man she thought he was, the man she had fallen in love with and yes, she was quite sure it was love that inhabited her heart. His duty was to his family, as her duty was to hers, and it was just a shame that it left no room in the middle for Duncan and Ellen to explore the feelings that had blossomed like a spring flower.
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