“I’m sorry Duncan,” she said. A whole spectrum of emotion was contained within those words. He inclined his head solemnly. Ellen suspected that many of the same thoughts that were rolling around in her head were in his as well. Sometimes in life love wasn’t enough to conquer all the barriers that stood in the way of happiness. Romance between a Highlander and an English girl was just too much of an impossibility to happen.
“Dae ye think ye’ll return?” Duncan asked.
“I don’t know. I’m not sure that I can.”
“Then I suppose this is goodbye lass.”
“Yes, I suppose it is,” Ellen said forlornly.
“I’ll give ye a horse,” Duncan said, and he also gave her directions to the estate, which happened to be one of those that had been taken from the Highlanders. It was a couple of days’ travel and Duncan warned her to stick to the road, and that if she saw anything dangerous just to ride as fast as she could until she reached safety. He also gave her a dagger in case she needed to protect herself. The blade was sharp. The weapon was about eight inches long and it felt heavy in her hands. She sheathed it in her boot, where it rested against her calf muscle.
Ellen also took with her a few supplies so that she wouldn’t go hungry on the journey back, and then she left with a heavy heart. These people had been so kind to her and she hated to turn her back on them now.
“I promise that I’ll do everything I can to stop this war. I’ll try to make them see reason. I’ll try to convince them to leave you alone,” she promised. If she couldn’t give Duncan a life filled with love she could at least offer him the gift of peace, and she thought it was the least she could do for these people who had shown her so much kindness. They didn’t deserve to be driven from their homes or tormented by the threat of battle.
With a lump in her throat she mounted her horse. Instead of giving Duncan a kiss goodbye—for she knew if she did it would completely erode all her resolve and she would never leave—they clasped hands and let their fingers stay together for as long as possible, until her horse took her away and their fingers slipped away from each other, finding only empty air.
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she galloped away, not wanting to turn her gaze back on the settlement for fear that she would be tempted to stay. She had to be focused on returning home to her mother, because family was the most important thing. She entered the forest and branches whipped her skin. The horse’s hooves crunched the leaves and bracken that lay on the ground, and the air was cold and biting on her face. Fear laced her heart as well, for she was afraid of the terrors that lurked in this dangerous land.
According to Duncan, it was not far but it was the first time Ellen was travelling alone and she could easily get lost. She would have to spend at least a night in the open. She rode as fast as she could, only taking breaks to sleep and to give her steed a little rest.
She was acutely aware of her surroundings and at any sign of a threatening noise she rose and quickly moved on. It wasn’t just bandits she was afraid of, but predators in the woods such as bears and wolves. She would have felt far more comfortable with Duncan by her side, and she keenly felt his absence.
Until now, when she was faced with the prospect of never seeing him again, she hadn’t realized how accustomed to his presence she had become. Whenever she had a stray humorous thought she was filled with delight at the idea of sharing it with Duncan later, before it occurred to her that she would never be able to. Before encountering him she had had no idea he existed, but now she could not stop thinking about him. They were each going to have different lives. She would end up marrying Alan, while he would no doubt find some Highland woman to bear his children. What a life we could have had together, she thought, and it brought wistful things to mind. Thinking about this was sweet torture, but she couldn’t help herself and there was little else to occupy her mind during the lonely journey to Alan’s estate.
Whenever she pictured her future with Duncan she was always happy and smiling, which was not the case when she thought of anything else. And of course she would never be able to tell anyone else about her love for a Highlander because they would think her insane. It would have to be a secret, so secret that in time it might seem more like a dream, as though it had never truly happened and was nothing more than any other imagining.
Ellen knew it was real.
Ellen was never going to forget.
Perhaps one day she might tell her children of a story about an English girl who found herself in the company of Highlanders and fell in love with the warrior who had a compassionate heart. When her children inevitably asked what happened at the end, she might tell them that the girl decided to stay with the Highlander and they lived happily ever after.
Thankfully Ellen managed to avoid any threatening encounters on the journey towards Alan’s estate. The dagger remained unsheathed, and by the end of it the horse was exhausted. So was Ellen in truth, but she was invigorated with a burst of energy when she saw the estate rising in the distance. She urged the horse on for a little while longer and then left it in the hands of the stable master. No doubt the horse would be grateful for the rest, as would Ellen once she had seen her mother. She raced through the estate, pulling any number of servants aside. Her expression was wild and her words were frantic. They yelped and squealed and pushed her away, not realizing who she was because none of them expected Ellen to turn up alone.
“Myra? Where’s Myra?” she asked tersely, and eventually one servant pointed in the direction of Myra’s chambers.
Ellen sprinted through the estate, clattering through doors and paying no attention to anything she might crash into. Her feet thundered against the floor and blood pumped through her body at the thought of seeing Myra again. She flung open one door and Myra was there, sitting in a chair, looking pale and gaunt, a mere shadow of the woman Ellen remembered. As soon as she saw Ellen though, Myra’s face lit up and color returned to her cheeks ever so briefly.
She pushed herself up from the chair with great effort, but didn’t become fully erect before Ellen reached her and wrapped her arms around Myra, helping her mother the rest of the way. Tears were shed as mother and daughter were reunited.
“I thought you were dead,” Ellen said in choking breaths, burying herself in her mother’s scent. Myra’s embrace was strong and firm, and her body trembled.
“I thought the same about you,” she whispered.
Myra stepped back and examined her daughter, making sure that nothing untoward had happened to her.
“Are you well?” she asked.
“I am, Mother. I need to tell you all about it.”
“When I awoke and you weren’t there I thought the worst. Those damned Highlanders. We’ll make them pay. Now that you’re back we’ll make them rue the day they dared to lay their hands on you.” Myra’s face twisted with anger and her words were heavy with rage. Ellen wanted to correct her, but before she could the door burst open again and Alan walked through.
“Ellen! I’m so happy to see you safe and well. My goodness, your mother and I were so worried about you,” he said, walking into the room confidently. Ellen noticed her mother stiffen with tension as Alan came closer. He put his arms around Ellen and squeezed her gently, kissing her lightly on the cheek. Ellen had to stop herself from shuddering. It seemed wrong for anyone aside from Duncan to touch her as intimately as that.
“I’m glad you found a way to escape those dastardly Highlanders. I did lead a patrol searching for you. We found some and engaged them in battle, but they were able to get the better of us that day,” he said, his face twisting with anger. But then he turned earnest and took her hands. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you sooner, but I’m glad that the fates have rewarded us with this reunion. If this is not a sign that our union is blessed by God then I don’t know what could be! Oh Ellen, seeing you again is a salve to my wounded soul. Your mother and I have been so fretfully worried ever since you were taken from us. We feared the worst, although
we dared not speak it. Come and rest. You must be hungry and tired. Let us settle into your new home and we can pick up from where we left off.”
He slid his arm around her waist, coiling it like a serpent, and started to pull her away. She looked back and twisted her neck towards Myra.
“I wanted to make sure Mother was well,” she said. “I’ve missed her. You seem ill at ease,” she said, directing the last part to Myra.
“I have taken good care of her, she has just been worried about you. I will order a grand dinner and we can discuss everything that has happened in our lives, but first you should change your clothes and bathe. I’m sure you have been through quite an ordeal, and there is also much that we need to discuss. We have lost a lot of time in planning the wedding,” Alan said, barely giving her a chance to say anything in return.
“Go with him Ellen. I’m well, truly, I’m just overwhelmed by the shock of seeing you again,” Myra said.
Ellen had little choice but to go with Alan.
9
Alan took Ellen down the hallway to another chamber, a large room with a wide bed and a dresser inside. There were two chairs with a small table, and on this table rested a bottle of wine and some mugs. Alan poured out the wine and handed her one.
“This will help settle your nerves. Please, have a seat,” he said. Ellen watched him carefully. He was acting charming now, but she remembered what Duncan had said about the English. How far could she trust Alan?
“I’m sorry for taking you away from your mother so soon. It is not meant to be cruel on my part, but Myra has been fraught with nerves ever since she was brought to me. She has barely slept or eaten and has been on the edge of despair. It’s such a shame that she has lost her vigor, although I’m sure that now you have returned so will her energy. We must talk about what happened and I did not want her to have to hear it. She has suffered enough already. What happened Ellen? Did they harm you? Did they…did they take your virtue?”
Ellen sipped the wine, but did not drink too deeply as she wanted to maintain her faculties.
“No, they didn’t. They actually took me from the wagon because they didn’t want to leave me for dead. Sadly they didn’t have enough room for my mother, and they thought she was beyond saving. They took me back to their village and I stayed with them for a while. They were quite welcoming to me and weren’t at all what I expected.”
Alan’s face twisted into a nasty snarl. “No, well, these Highlanders can be very sly when they need to be. I wouldn’t be surprised if they put on an entire show for your benefit. They wouldn’t hesitate to try and lure a young, innocent girl away from a life of civility. But you saw their village?” His eyes gleamed and his words grew swift. “This is wonderful news. I have sent scouting parties north to try and find their stronghold, but so far I have only been able to discover the general area, and they have managed to defeat all my scouting parties.”
Ellen was shocked at how quickly Alan’s mind turned to martial matters. Now that they were alone the veneer of affection had been stripped away.
“They don’t have a stronghold Alan; just a village. They’re not as brutal and bloodthirsty as you make out. They’re just trying to live.” She tried to keep her voice calm, but it was difficult not to let emotion creep in. Alan looked at her cruelly, as though she didn’t know anything she was talking about.
“They’re monsters and they don’t deserve to live. You don’t know them like I do. I spent a lot of time in the Highlands, clashing with their clans, fighting with them. They don’t want anything but blood. They come down to England and raid our borders, taking whatever they want. You should know all about that since they took you!”
“And what about the English? They take land that belongs to the Highlanders, like this estate.” Ellen opened her arms and gestured to the room around her. Alan scowled and loomed over her in a threatening way.
“This estate had no business being theirs. It is ours by right. They moved in and squatted a long time ago, expanding their vile ways down into our land. We’re just fighting back, long overdue if you ask me. I don’t know what kind of games they played with your mind, but it will do you no good to hold these opinions. You are English, and you must be loyal to your people. How could you even dare to speak like this about people who kidnapped you and took you from your home? About people who killed your father and wounded so many other brave, loyal English men!”
His voice raised and Ellen was struck by the ferocity of his words. She flinched and the wine sloshed in her cup, which she placed back down onto the table. Her loyalty was not to any people, but to virtues like truth and honesty, the same things that Duncan held dear. Alan seemed bitter and old; his skin was pinched on his face and he looked like a vulture, waiting to prey on the vulnerable. He was in sharp contrast to Duncan, who had all the soft calmness of compassion and the vitality of youth. She knew in that moment that she could never come to love this man or give her life to him, even if it was her father’s last wish.
“I’m sorry Ellen,” he said, his voice strained with tension. “I do not mean to raise my voice at you. It’s just that I have been so moved to anger by these actions. They should be punished for kidnapping you and taking you away from your life and from your husband! I dread to think about the evil thoughts that went through their minds. It’s only by the grace of God that you were not corrupted by evil’s soft touch.”
Part of Ellen wanted to reveal that she had stayed with the Highlanders of her own volition to see how Alan would react, but she was afraid that he would cast her out as a harlot and banish her from his sight. And then what would happen to Myra? She needed to speak with her mother first and explain everything. Perhaps there was still some way to maneuver out of this…
“No matter,” Alan continued. “Emotions are running high and we should not let ourselves get carried away. What matters is that you are back and we can resume our lives. We need never speak of this matter again. You are home safe and we can now think about the future, and our marriage,” he said. Ellen grimaced at the news and her heart fluttered with pain. She was certain now more than ever that she could not endure a life with this man, not when he exhibited such disgusting opinions and wouldn’t even dare listen to reason. He was set in his belief that the Highlanders were monsters and deserved to die. She had no idea what had happened in the past to give him this opinion, but it was something that was not easily shaken from the core of his being, and Ellen didn’t want to be bonded with such a spiteful man.
“You rest now and get your bearings. I will see you at dinner and we can put this ugly matter behind us,” he said, turning on his heels to walk away. But before he left Ellen called out to him.
“Alan, wait,” she said. He turned, craning his long neck. Ellen wore a pensive look and inhaled deeply to compose herself before she spoke. “I am so grateful to you for providing this shelter for my mother, but I have had a lot of opportunity to think about my future and I’m afraid that I cannot marry you. Many things have changed and I…I am not sure this union would be the best thing for me,” she said.
Alan’s face turned to thunder. “Even though it is your father’s last wish? I may not be as noble as some of the other men he intended for you, but I make up for it in spirit, of that I can assure you. Clearly spending time with the savages has addled your mind. I will give you a chance to take back your words, but know this Ellen: if you change your mind about our agreement I will not let you and your mother stay here. You will have to find your own way in the world, and it can be a very uncompromising place for two women.”
Alan stormed out of the room and glowered. He was relieved to see Ellen return intact and unharmed. He didn’t know what he might have done if the Highland brutes had robbed his prize of her virtue, but they had certainly had an effect. He had thought her dutiful and obedient, but her tongue was as sharp as a sword. There was nothing worse than a woman with opinions of her own. All he wanted was a sweet wife, and he damned Robin for going too soft
on her. She spoke of things she did not understand...and what a crime it was to side with the barbarians! She hadn’t seen them in combat, hadn’t lived the life that Alan had lived. While he had been ranging beyond the borders he had witnessed horrible things; things he would never forget, things that had scarred his mind and given him unending nightmares. Now he finally had a chance to put all that behind him, but it hinged on the whims of a silly little girl who had no idea what was really going on in the world.
His throat ran dry as he thought about the estate and what might happen to him if he was thrown out. The last thing he wanted was to go back to a life of marauding around the country, fighting for coin and every scrap of food. He deserved more than that. He’d paid his dues and he wasn’t about to let all his plans come undone because Ellen was having reservations.
Alan stormed through the estate back to where Myra was waiting. The crone was sitting in her chair, no doubt excited that Ellen had returned, as well she should be because it was getting to the point where Alan was thinking about casting her out to the wolves.
“It’s quite a blessing that Ellen has returned,” Alan began, “but she has some strange ideas. I don’t know what happened to her out there, but the Highlanders have poisoned her mind against us. She seems to think they are not as bad as they seem, and she also has this idea that she is not going to marry me. You need to change her mind.”
“If that is what she decides then I am powerless to stop her. She is her own woman, and without her father here I fear I cannot demand from her obedience,” Myra said. Her gaze flicked away and she clasped her hands on her lap. She looked so small in that chair, like a little mouse. Vermin. Alan could easily have curled his hand around her throat and squeezed the life out of her. How tempting it was to kill a parasite like that. How tempting indeed...
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