The Jester

by James Patterson

  “I have heard my husband’s new pet is quite the rage,” Lady Heloise announced. “Perhaps he will set the tone with a few jests.”

  I took a deep breath, then I hopped around to the head table. “I’ll do my best, my lady.”

  I scampered toward her but then threw myself into the lap of a fat old man seated down the row. I grinned, stroking his beard. “I would be honored to perform for you, Your Grace. I…”

  “Here, fool,” Lady Heloise called. “I am over here.”

  “Gads.” I shot out of the man’s lap. “Of course, my lady. I must’ve been blinded by your beauty. So much so, I could not see.”

  There was a trickle of laughter.

  “Surely, fool,” Lady Heloise called, “you did not have the crowd shouting your name the other day with such mild flattery. Perhaps it is I who am blinded. Is that Hugh I see there or Palimpost?”

  The room chuckled at the hostess’s wit. Even I bowed, warming to the challenge.

  [140] At the end of the table, a potbellied priest was sucking down a mug of ale. I hopped onto the table in front of him, plates and mugs clattering. “There’s this one, then… A man went to a priest to confess his many sins. He said he had much to share.”

  The priest looked up. “To me?”

  “We’ll see, Father, how you feel about it at the end. First, the man confessed he had stolen from a friend, but added that this friend had stolen something back of equal value. ‘One thing cancels out another,’ the priest replied. ‘You are absolved.’ ”

  “It is true.” The priest nodded.

  “Next,” I went on, “the fellow said he had beaten the man with a stick, but had received equal blows in return. ‘Again, these both cancel each other out,’ the priest replied. ‘You owe God nothing.’

  “Now this penitent sensed he could get away with anything. He said there was something else to confess, one more sin, but he was too ashamed. When the priest encouraged him, he said. ‘Once, Father, I had your sister.’

  “ ‘My sister!’ the priest bellowed. The man was sure he was about to feel a holy wrath. ‘And I have had your mother on several occasions,’ the priest said. ‘Again, they cancel each other out. So we are both absolved.’ ”

  The guests clapped and laughed. The embarrassed priest looked around the room and clapped as well.

  “More, fool,” Lady Heloise shouted, “in the same temper.” She turned to Baldwin. “Where have you been hiding this treasure?”

  The room bubbled with good cheer. Food was served-swan and goose and pig. Goblets and mugs were filled by servants scurrying about.

  I leaped up to a server carrying a roast on a tray. I took a whiff of the meat. “Superb.” I sighed. “Who knows the difference between medium and rare?”

  Diners at the tables looked around and shrugged.

  [141] I went up to a blushing lady. “Six inches is medium, my lady. But eight is rare.”

  Again, they roared. I had it going. I spotted Baldwin taking congratulations, seeming delighted with the performance.

  To much fanfare, a train of servers marched in from the kitchen carrying prepared plates. Baldwin stood. “Lamb, guests, from our new flock.”

  Baldwin stuck a knife into a slice of lamb and chewed off a piece in front of his server. “Delicious, server, wouldn’t you say?”

  “It is, my lord.” The server bowed stiffly.

  To my horror, I realized that the dejected servant was the same farmer from whom Baldwin had chiseled the flock just two days before. Suddenly my blood stirred in rage.

  “Please, jester, do continue,” Baldwin said with a mouthful of meat.

  “I will, my lord.” I bowed.

  I spotted Norcross at the end of Baldwin ’s table, stabbing his meat among a row of other knights. “Is that my lord Norcross I see stuffing his face over there?”

  Norcross looked up, then his eyes narrowed on me.

  “Tell me,” I asked the crowd, “who is a greater hero to our lord than the brave Norcross? Who among us could be more forgiven for conceit? In fact, I have heard this good knight is so conceited, that during climax he calls out his own name.”

  Norcross put his knife down. He stared at me, juice running through his beard. Laughter ensued, but as the knight’s face tightened, it trickled away.

  “And there are those who ask,” I continued, “what do a holiday decoration and my lord Norcross have in common?”

  This time there were no amused mutterings. A tense silence hung in the air.

  “You will find,” I said, “that their balls are just for decoration.”

  [142] With that, the knight shot up, drawing his sword. He lunged around the crowded table toward me.

  I pretended to flee. “Help me, help me, my lord. I have no sword, yet I fear I have struck too deep.”

  I did a flip and ran around the table toward Baldwin. Norcross pursued, weighed down and slightly drunk.

  I easily avoided him, circling the table to the merriment of the crowd, who almost seemed to be making bets as to whether the knight would catch me and cut my throat. Finally, I threw myself in the protection of Baldwin ’s lap. “He will kill me, my lord.”

  “He will not,” Baldwin replied. “Relax, Norcross. Our new fool has managed to get under your skin. A good laugh, not a killing, should soothe the wound.”

  “He insults me, my lord. I stand for that from no man.”

  “This is no man.” Baldwin cackled. “He is but a fool. And he provides us much entertainment.”

  “I have served you well.” The red-faced knight seethed. “I demand to fight the fool.”

  “You will not.” Lady Heloise rose. “The fool has acted on my bidding. If anything untimely happens to him, I will know the author. You may feel safe, Hugh.”

  Norcross exhaled a deep, frustrated breath, the object of all eyes in the room. Slowly he let his massive sword slip back into its sheath.

  “Next time, fool,” he said, “the laugh will be mine.” He went back to his seat, never once removing his stare from me.

  “You have picked an adversary who is not one to anger.” Baldwin chuckled as he ate his lamb. He tossed some bits of fat off his plate to the floor. “Here. Help yourself.”

  I looked across the room at Norcross. I knew I had made an enemy for life.

  But so had he.

  Chapter 46

  I HAD NO TIME to waste. I set out to find Sophie. She was alive. I knew it.

  My confrontation with Norcross had given me instant status among the castle staff. I was given a name, Hugh the Brave, or, I was told, with respect to Norcross’s wrath, Hugh the Brief. People who I sensed served the duke only out of fear or obligation came and whispered their support. I was able to make a few useful friends.

  There was Bette the cook, a chubby, red-faced woman with a sharp tongue who kept the kitchen running like a spotless ship. And Jacques, the upstairs valet du chambre, who took meals next to me in the kitchen. Even a cheerful sergeant at arms at the court, Henri, who chuckled at my jokes.

  I questioned all of them, asking if they had heard of a fair, blond woman held captive in the castle, keeping my reasons close to the vest. No one had. “Checked the brothels?” The sergeant winked. “Once the nobles have no use for ’em, they’d be sent there.” So I did. I made the rounds, pretending to be a choosy customer. But, thank God, no one fitting Sophie’s description was among the poor whores at Treille.

  “You look a little drawn in the face, for a jester,” Bette, the cook, observed one morning as she pounded out her dough. “Your lost sweetheart again?”

  [144] I wished I could take her into my confidence. “Not mine, Bette, but a friend’s,” I lied. “Someone asked me to inquire.”

  “A friend’s, you say.” The cook eyed me skeptically. She seemed to play with me. “Is she highborn or common?”

  I looked up from my bowl. “How would a rogue like me know anyone highborn?” I grinned. “Except you, perhaps…”

  “Oh yes, me…” B
ette cackled. “I’m the duke’s own blood. That’s why I slave in this hearth until dark every day.”

  She laughed and went about her chores. But when she returned lugging a pot, she crept behind me and said confidingly, “Perhaps it’s the Tavern you want, love.”

  I looked up. “The Tavern?”

  She reached on her tiptoes for a bowl of garlic heads high on a shelf. “The dungeons,” she said under her breath. “They’re always filled with mouths to feed. At least for a short while. We call them la Taverne. Everyone goes in on their own two feet, but usually it takes a team of four to carry them out.”

  I looked to thank her, but Bette quickly breezed to the other side of the kitchen, peeling the garlic for her soup.

  The Tavern. For days afterward, I spied on it in the courtyard while taking my daily stroll. A heavy iron door, always guarded by at least two soldiers from Baldwin ’s reserve. Once or twice, I sauntered over, trying to warm up the guards. I did a little magic trick, tossed some balls in the air, twirled my staff. I never got as much as a snicker.

  “Bug off, fool,” one guard barked at me. “No one here even remembers how to laugh.”

  “You want a peek,” another barked, “I’m sure Norcross’ll find you a room.”

  I hurried away, pretending his very name had sent me trembling. But I continued plotting. How to get in? Who could help me? I tried the chamberlain. I even tried to play my liege, Baldwin. One day, after court, I sidled up to him. “Time for a drink, my lord. How about I buy you one… in la Taverne?”

  [145] Baldwin laughed and said to his coterie, “Fool wants a drink so bad, he’s willing to risk the pox to get it.”

  One night, as I took my meal in the kitchen, Bette sat down with me. “You are a strange sort, Hugh. All day you’re smiles and tricks. But at night you sulk and brood like a lost lover. Why do I think this loss you feel is not a friend’s?”

  I could no longer hide my sadness. I had to trust someone. “You are right, Bette. It’s my wife I seek. She was taken from my village. By raiding knights. I know she is here. I can feel it in my blood.”

  Bette did not show surprise. She only smiled. “I knew you were no fool,” she said. “And I can be a friend,” she added, “if you need one.”

  “I need one more than you can know,” I said, desperate. “But why?”

  “Be sure, not for your silly tricks, Hugh, or your flattery.” Bette’s expression changed, grew warmer. “Geoffrey and Isabel, Hugh… They are my cousins. Why do you think I always saved you the best scraps of meat? You don’t think you’re that funny, do you? I owe you their lives, Hugh.”

  I grasped her hands. “ La Taverne, Bette. I have to get in. I’ve tried everything, but there’s no way.”

  “No way?” The cook stared at me a long time, searching my intentions. “For a fool, maybe. Only a fool would want to get into la Taverne. But there’s a saying here. The best way to end up in the soup is to ask the cook!”

  Chapter 47

  IT WAS CHILLY for a summer night in Borée. A breeze blew over the gardens. The lady Emilie huddled in her cloak. At her side was the jester, Norbert.

  Emilie had tried to read her book of chansons de geste that night, but the pages turned emptily, her thoughts drifting into space like wisps of smoke. The rhymes of poets and the tales of imaginary heroes no longer captivated her. Her heart ached with a confusion she had never known before. It always came back to one thing. One face.

  What is happening to me? she wondered. I feel I am going mad, Norbert had noticed it. The jester had knocked on her door earlier that night. “I know laughter, my lady, and to know that, I must know melancholy too.”

  “So you are a jester and now a physician too?” She pretended to scold him.

  “It takes no physician to see what ails you, lady. You miss the lad, don’t you?”

  With anyone else, she would have bitten her tongue. “I do miss him, jester. I cannot lie.”

  The jester sat across from her. “You’re not alone. I miss him too.”

  This was something new for Emilie. She was used to feeling that men were like flies, nuisances, always buzzing around her, [147] too concerned with their boasting and their deeds to be taken seriously. But this was different. How had it happened? She had only known Hugh for weeks. His life was a world apart from hers, yet she knew everything about him. Most likely, she would never see him again.

  “I feel I have sent him on this quest,” she told Norbert. “And now I wish I could bring him back.”

  “You did not send him, lady. And with all respect, he is not yours to bring back.”

  No, Norbert was right. Hugh was not hers. She had only stumbled upon him.

  So she huddled in the garden that night. She needed to feel the air on her face. Somehow, out here, under the same moon, she felt closer to him. I don’t know if I will ever see you again, Hugh De Luc. But I pray I do. Somehow, some way.

  “You risk a lot to have such feelings,” Norbert said.

  “They are not planned. They just… are.”

  He took her hand. There was a moment between them, not as lady and servant but as friends. Emilie blushed, then smiled. “It seems my heart is owned by jesters from all around.”

  “Do not worry, my lady. Our Red is canny and resourceful. I taught him, you know. A chip off the old block. I’m sure he’s fine. He’ll find his wife.”

  “A jester and a physician and now a seer too?” She hugged the jester. “Thank you, Norbert.” Then she watched him go back inside.

  It was late. The garden was still. She had promised the priest she would wake early for morning prayers. “Be safe, Hugh De Luc,” she whispered, then turned back toward the castle.

  She headed along the loggia above the gardens to the living quarters. Then, out of the night, voices came to her from below.

  Who could be out here at this hour? Emilie hid behind a column and peered into the deep shadows below.

  A man and a woman. Voices raised.

  [148] She strained to hear. “This is not it, knight,” the woman said. “This is not the treasure.”

  It was Anne. Out there in the dark with a man. He didn’t look like a knight. More like a monk. In robes. But with a sword.

  Emilie thought she had stumbled across something she should not have seen. Anne was angry. She’d never heard her mistress’s tone this hard.

  “You know what my husband wants,” she said. “Find it!”

  Chapter 48

  A FEW DAYS LATER, as I took my evening meal, Bette the cook winked and drew me aside. “There’s a way,” she said. “If you still want to see the Tavern.”

  “How?” I asked, leaning in close. “And how soon?”

  “It’s not exactly a state secret, jester. People have to eat, don’t they? Guards, soldiers… even prisoners. Every day my kitchen brings the evening meal to the dungeon. Who would mind if it was brought by the fool?”

  My eyes lit up. The fool doing errands for the cook. It could work.

  “I will give it a try,” Bette said. “The rest is up to you. If your wife is there, Hugh, it will take more than luck to get her out. Just don’t bring the duke’s awful wrath down on me.”

  I took her hand and squeezed it. “I would bring nothing down upon you except my gratitude. I owe you much, Bette.”

  “I told you, I owe you my cousins’ lives.”

  “But somehow, I think it is more than what I did for Geoffrey, Isabel, and Thomas on the road here.”

  She smiled and tossed a turnip into the pot. “ Baldwin is our liege.” She sniffed. “But he can never rule our hearts. I see why you have come. I can see you are in love. These hands may be rough and ugly, but I am not so removed from matters of the heart.”

  [150] I began to blush. “Am I so transparent?”

  “Don’t worry, love, no one else would notice. They’re too busy grabbing their sides and laughing at your silly jokes.”

  I raised an onion the way one would raise a mug to make a toast. “We
will keep each other’s trust, Bette.”

  She lifted a turnip. We tapped them together.

  “I feel a headache coming on.” She frowned. “Tomorrow eve. Be here at dusk.

  “And something else, Hugh. You asked if a woman was being held in the cells. I checked. There is a lady staying in the Tavern. One who might fit your wife’s description. Fair-haired. And she keeps talking about an infant.”

  These words… They were like the most exquisite magic for my soul. What was only a hope for so long now sprang free. Sophie was here! I knew it now. I would see her tomorrow night. At last!

  I hugged Bette, almost knocking the poor woman into her pot of soup.

  Chapter 49

  ALL THE NEXT DAY I waited for dusk to fall. Time passed with agonizing slowness. To make things worse, Baldwin called for me to entertain him while he got new boots measured by a shoemaker. What scum he was. I had to keep him amused while I thought of plunging a dagger into his heart.

  Yet all the while I could barely count the time. I kept repeating Bette’s words to myself. I went over in my mind what I would do. How I would pull this off. I dreamed of Sophie’s face-the face I had known since I was a child. I imagined us back at our inn. Rebuilding it from scratch… Starting our life again. Having another child.

  I sat on my bare mat as the afternoon wound down, watching the sun descend. Finally, the light from the slats above my space grew dim. It was dusk… It was finally time to see Sophie.

  I made my way down to the kitchen. Bette was bustling about, complaining to the staff, a damp cloth pressed to her head for effect. “I’ve got to lie down. I’ve got the duke’s meals still to prepare. Who will carry over the soup to the Tavern? Hugh, what luck,” she said, spotting me. “Will you be a dear?”

  “I am but two hands,” I joked to the staff, “and one …” I wiggled a finger and sniffed with a wrinkled nose. “… I use for scratching.”