Home to Cedarwood

by Megan Slayer

  If he sacked up and grew a pair, he could have the same kind of a new, lusty relationship…but with Colin. Maybe it was time to come out of the closet and face the world as the man he knew he was—a proud gay man with a badge.

  Chapter Ten

  Tuesday morning, Jordan fiddled with his phone. He’d texted Colin over the course of the last evening until he went on duty. He couldn’t wait to see his boyfriend. He hated himself for not giving Colin a proper date in public, but he wasn’t ready for the world to know they were dating, much less he was gay. He’d shied away from the breakfast date and opted to meet at Colin’s house. It hadn’t been an ideal gathering because Colin had wanted to go out. He groaned. He should’ve gone to the diner with Colin and been honest with himself.

  “Are you off?” Delaney elbowed Jordan. “Aren’t you supposed to be leaving? You’ve got two days off. What’re your plans?”

  “I’m about to go. I had to finish something first.” He tucked his personal phone into his pocket. The last thing he needed was for Delaney to see the texts to Colin. “You’re in tonight?”

  “I’m on a twelve-hour shift.” Delaney tapped the folder on the counter. “But Cassidee and I are planning to head to Columbus to see a concert tomorrow night.”

  “Nice.” Jordan sighed. “She likes music. Who are you seeing?” He had no idea if Colin still liked music, but Colin loved baseball. Maybe they could take in a game.

  “There’s a festival…rock, I think.” Delaney shrugged. “Are you going to see Colin for lunch? It’s about time.”

  “Huh?” Fuck. What did Delaney know and why was Jordan so panicked? Jesus. Delaney was probably being chatty and knew nothing, but still. Jordan wasn’t ready to admit he and Colin were closer than friends.

  “You’re friends, right? I saw you at the park with Colin and Gage. You looked chummy,” Delaney said. “Gage is lucky. If you’re all friends, that kid should be a fantastic baseball player.”

  “Oh.” That’s what Delaney meant—learning how to play ball. “Yeah.”

  “Yeah?” Delaney snorted. “I saw you.”

  Bile rose in his throat. “What did you see?” Were his hands shaking? He hoped not.

  Delaney frowned. “You played ball. You’re friends. You’ve got time off and why not hang out with Colin? Take him and his brother lunch. It’d be nice and I bet they’d like it. What did you think I meant?”

  “Nothing.” He’d bet Colin and Farin would like a delivered lunch. “I should take them food.”

  Delaney knocked on the counter. “For what it’s worth, Colin loves turkey and avocado on wheat. I overheard him ordering it.” He shrugged, then walked away. “Do it,” he called. “Visit them.”

  Jordan stared at the space where Delaney had been standing and tried to swallow his shock. Delaney, who was now seeing Cassidee, was encouraging him to spend time with Colin. Well…damn. He forced himself to move and filed the folder he’d been holding, then clocked out. “See you,” Jordan said. He’d already debriefed and had no real reason to be in the station. He headed to the locker room and changed out of his uniform. He locked his service pistol in his gun case, then tucked the case into his gym bag.

  Thinking about surprising Colin pleased Jordan. He liked doing the little things for his partners and lovers. Buying sandwiches wasn’t much, but it’d be a nice surprise.

  He drove over to the sandwich shop and put in his order. While he waited, he spotted a man who looked like the one who’d noticed him the morning after he’d slept over at Colin’s house. Jordan wanted to stare at the man, but didn’t. He couldn’t be sure it was the same person.

  A pair of women sat at one of the far tables. “Hi, Officer,” the blonde woman said and waved. “Officer Hargrove. How are you?”

  “I’m fine.” He assumed his cop persona and refused to let the women see him crack. “How are you?” He balled the receipt in his hand.

  “We’re good,” the brunette said. “Are you eating alone?” She patted the empty chair at their table. “You shouldn’t be on your own.”

  “I’m not, but thanks for asking.” He smiled. “I’m on my way to meet a friend.”

  “Ah.” The blonde’s smile widened. “Who is the girl? Whoever she is, she’s lucky. A man in uniform is my weakness. I’m glad I was at the school when you did that visit.”

  “I enjoy the school trips,” he said. Lots of people liked men and women in uniform. “I’m off duty, so you don’t have the uniform as a distraction.” Was his lunch done yet? What was taking so long?

  “I saw you at the park.” The brunette stopped patting the seat. “You were with Colin Baker and his kid. You looked cute teaching him how to hit the ball. I heard you played baseball in school. Did you?”

  “Colin and I were on the team together, yeah.” He slid his gaze to the counter. Still no order… Damn it.

  “Then that’s why you were together. Good. Someone needs to teach that little boy how to be a man.” The brunette nodded. “You’ll help him.”

  He bit back a response. Gage was tough enough because he’d been subjected to insults like theirs. Besides, being a man had nothing to do with sports or toughness.

  “You do realize Colin is gay?” the blonde asked. “He can’t hold down a relationship, either.”

  “I’m not sure why that’s your concern,” Jordan said. “But I knew about him being gay. He came out when we were here in high school.”

  “Oh.” The blonde folded her arms. “Well, just be vigilant. He might make a pass at you.”

  “What if he does?” He waved his hand. “Anyway, I’m taking lunch to my friends and I think the order is up, so I’ll see you.” He glanced over at the counter. The cook placed the two bags by the bell. Jordan sighed. Thank God. “Bye.”

  He shouldn’t have said anything in response to the women, but he couldn’t help himself or his irritation.

  “If you want a lunch date, we’re available,” the brunette said. She waved. “Bye.”

  He grabbed the bags and left a tip before he walked out of the shop. As he left the restaurant, he smiled. He headed to his truck en route to the bookstore. Who cared why he was going to see his friend? So what if he was taking them food?

  He parked in the lot adjacent to the bookstore. Part of him hated Colin. The man could go out in public and be himself. He didn’t have to lie or hide. Jordan wanted to argue it wasn’t fair how Colin lived his life so publicly, but why? Colin wasn’t afraid of his sexuality. Jordan was and wanted to keep quiet. Part of Jordan envied Colin for being so open. Colin didn’t seem to care what others thought about him. It didn’t hurt that Colin was hot, sweet and turned Jordan on with a smile.

  But Colin wouldn’t want to stay a secret for long.

  Damn it. Jordan groaned. He’d sort himself out one of these days.

  He carried the bags into the bookstore and headed for the counter. On the way, he realized he’d forgotten to pick up drinks. Shit. He spotted Farin.

  “Hi.” Farin nodded. “Can I help you?”

  “I come bearing gifts.” He held up the bags. “Lunch. I even bought for you. Grilled cheese on rye.”

  “With fries?”

  “Of course.” He grinned. “What else would you want with it?”

  “Thanks.” Farin half-smiled. “You got food for Colin?”

  “Yes.” He stepped closer to Farin. “Please keep your voice down.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t want everyone to hear you,” Jordan whispered. “Yes, I brought you lunch,” he said, his voice louder.

  Farin narrowed his eyes. “You’re the only customer in the store. You don’t have to act the part of the jackass.”

  “Farin.”

  “Jesus,” Farin said. “I know what you’re doing. My brother needs someone who can be equal to him—not a secret.”

  Damn. “Farin.” He offered Farin one of the bags. “Here’s your lunch.”

  “What do you expect me to say? Thank you for lunch? Then thank you.�
� Farin accepted the bag. “I love my brother and I want to see him happy. I hope you can do that, but I don’t have high hopes. I know how you dicked him over before.”

  The bell dinged, signaling a customer coming into the store. Jordan curled the top of his bag. “Okay, well, enjoy lunch, friend .”

  “Right.” Farin tucked his lunch under the counter.

  Jordan left Farin and wound his way back to the office. He hadn’t asked Farin where Colin might be. Instead, Jordan assumed he knew Colin would be at the store or in the office. His irritation rose. How could Farin talk to him that way? How he conducted his life wasn’t up to debate from Farin. He’d bet Farin had things to hide, too. The jackass.

  He knocked on the door. “Colin?” He glanced around behind him in case the customer who’d come into the store was close. “I’m here to see a friend,” he murmured. “Just visiting a friend.” The bag crackled in his hand. Nervous energy bounced around inside him. He couldn’t wait to see Colin, even if he wasn’t willing to tell everyone he was falling for his friend. “Just pals.”

  “That’s an interesting change.”

  Jordan jumped and whipped around to face Colin. He hadn’t heard the door open, but knew Colin’s voice. “Hi.” He held up the bag. “I brought food.”

  “Thanks. I’m starving.” Colin stepped out of the way. “It’s great to see you. Come in.”

  “Yeah.” He ducked into the office. Embarrassment hit him hard. He should be more comfortable with Colin. He had feelings for Colin, yet he was ashamed. Of Colin? No…of his own foolishness.

  Colin closed the door. “Whatever’s in that bag smells good. Did you bring something for Farin?”

  “I did.” He offered up the bag. “Here.”

  “Thanks.” Colin sat behind his desk. “Want to tell me why you were out there talking to yourself?”

  “No.” He couldn’t meet Colin’s gaze. “Just wanted to surprise you with food.”

  “Ah.” Colin didn’t open the bag and instead folded his hands. “I heard the conversation with Farin.”

  “You did?” He stared at Colin. Oh fuck. “I…”

  “He’s right. I’m willing to take this slow, but I won’t be a secret forever. I’ve got Gage to consider, but I’m trying to model a healthy relationship,” Colin said.

  Damn it. Colin and Farin both had a point. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’ll get more comfortable the more you open up,” Colin said. He rummaged in the bag. “Did you order avocado and turkey? My favorite?”

  “I heard it was,” Jordan said. He grinned. “Delaney said he’d overheard you ordering it and thought it might be a good bet.” He wasn’t ready to eat and couldn’t relax. “You know, I hate you.”

  “I know. It’s because I’m the better-looking one.” Colin winked. “You’ll get over it. Just accept I’m handsome.”

  He snorted. “You’re hot as hell, but no, it’s because you’re so open and honest. You’re only holding back because of Gage. If you didn’t have him, we’d be fucking like rabbits.”

  “Maybe.” Colin nodded once. “Or I’d still be pissed and avoiding you.”

  “Possible, but I doubt you’d ignore my magnetic personality.” He sat opposite Colin. “But I do hate you. You aren’t afraid to be yourself. You’re gay and happy. No hiding.”

  “I accepted who I am. You’re still getting there.” Colin shrugged. “You’ll get comfortable soon.”

  “Are you sure?” He gripped the arms of the chair. “I’m not sure.”

  Colin sighed and abandoned his sandwich. “What do you want from me?”

  His irritation increased. Despite his words, Colin was so cool and collected. How was the man so casual? “How?”

  “How what?”

  “How do you do this? I feel so insignificant. Small even. Like I’m not good enough because I’m not ready to go public.”

  “I’ve had more time to be out,” Colin said. “I still don’t know what you want from me and I’m pissed. I’m hurt. I hate being a secret.”

  There. He’d gotten an answer and emotion from Colin. He was hurting just as much as Jordan was. “I’m sorry. It’s confusing and overwhelming. I want to stay with you. To be with you. But I’m scared I’m not strong enough for you.”

  “I know.”

  Jordan sat in silence. He wasn’t sure what to say or do. Visiting Colin had sounded so good on paper, but in action, the plan had died. Being with Colin lightened his heart. But he was still scared.

  “Why don’t we go on a few not-quite-dates dates? Things friends would do, yeah?” Colin asked. “We go slow, but we keep trying. Don’t quit on me or yourself.”

  He drummed on the arms of the chair. Colin was smarter than Jordan had given him credit for being. “I’m trying.”

  “I know.” Colin reached across the desk. “Stop shouting we’re just friends and hanging out. Be yourself. Let us being together happen organically. If someone asks, then offer an explanation. If not, be cool. There’s no reason we can’t hang out.”

  He held Colin’s hand. “Deal.” He could chill out. One day he’d accept himself, too.

  “Let’s eat. You brought food and I’m starving.” Colin let go of Jordan’s fingers and opened his sandwich. “Thank you. This looks delicious.”

  “Welcome.” Jordan was still embarrassed, but he was coming to terms with himself and his desires. He could do this—have a relationship. If he trusted Colin and his heart, he could have everything he wanted.

  * * * *

  Jordan sat opposite Colin at the local hamburger joint. In the last two weeks, he and Colin had managed to go on three dates without Gage and five with him. He’d learned so much about Gage. The kid loved his blocks and building crazy big structures. He knew everything about dinosaurs, and he loved to laugh.

  Jordan had also learned so much about his boyfriend. Colin still loved metal music and singing in the car. He hated to be a secret and hated to talk about his ex. No wonder, if Nicolas walked out on him. Colin’s past got Jordan thinking. He didn’t want to be a repeat of the Nicolas incident. The little nudges here and there, the kisses in public and going to lunch together were steps in the right direction, but, unlike Nicolas, Jordan hadn’t come out. Jordan owed Colin that much. He needed to come out.

  Gage sprinted up to the pair. “Will you climb in the play area with me?” He grabbed Jordan’s hand. “Please? Daddy says he can’t because he’s got bad knees.” Gage rolled his eyes and curled over, groaning.

  To be young and silly again… Jordan glanced at Colin, who winked.

  “Sure,” Jordan said. He kicked out of his tennis shoes and followed Gage up to the top of the jungle gym. “This is high up.”

  “I like the top,” Gage said and giggled.

  So does your dad and I love it. Jordan climbed onto one of the platforms with Gage. “You can see everything from up here.” He hadn’t realized how much Gage resembled Colin. Like Gage wasn’t adopted, but biological.

  “Do you like my dad?” Gage asked. He sat in the clear plastic bubble connected to the platform.

  “Well, I do.” Jordan debated what to tell the kid. He hadn’t planned on coming out just yet. Hanging out with Colin was easy. They’d been on dates, but out of town. Even their lunch date today wasn’t in Cedarwood. He wasn’t ready for anyone to discover his secret.

  “Are you gay?” Gage waved, probably down at Colin.

  Jordan peeked over Gage’s shoulder. Sure enough, Colin stood on the floor and watched them. He waved too.

  “So? Are you?” Gage tipped his head to the side and folded his arms. “The kids at school say gay people are bad. My dad is gay, and he’s not bad.”

  “He’s not a bad guy, and those kids are wrong.” Jordan bit back a chuckle. He remembered kids like that at school. He’d been one of those kids because he hadn’t been comfortable enough to admit to himself he was gay.

  “My dad likes you, and he doesn’t like being lonely. He won’t say that, but I know.”


  “Are you okay with me being your dad’s boyfriend?” Jordan asked.

  “I don’t like getting picked on because Dad’s gay.” Gage shrugged. “My other dad left. Are you going to leave, too?”

  “I’m not sure.” He hadn’t expected that question from the kid. He also hadn’t realized how much Gage and Colin had been through. Nicolas leaving had left a pretty decent-sized dent in their lives. He couldn’t be a hundred percent positive he and Colin would stay together forever, but he also didn’t want to put the kid through agony again.

  “Oh! Dad’s waving. Gotta go.” Gage grinned and squirmed past Jordan, leaving him alone at the top of the jungle gym. The kid, just like his father, had given Jordan a lot to think about.

  Jordan peeked through the thick plastic bubble again. Gage ran up to Colin and threw himself in his father’s arms. The kid wasn’t worried about who saw them. He didn’t care what people said about them. He had his daddy and that was all that mattered.

  Jordan’s heart broke. He hated hiding and being in the closet. Christ. He couldn’t be himself. He wanted them all to be together and finding out if this relationship was something that could go the distance. Instead, he’d forced himself to keep his feelings for Colin on the down-low. They were out today as friends. He snorted. Maybe he didn’t want to hide any longer. He didn’t want them to just be platonic in public. Was he ready to tell the world right now he was gay? Baby steps, but he was ready.

  He descended the play place and freed himself from the constricting jungle gym.

  “Thought you’d never get out of there.” Colin stepped in close to Jordan and handed him his shoes. “If you want to go, we can. The little boy from Gage’s school is here and Gage is flipping out.” As if on cue, Gage peeked out from behind Colin.

  “So?” Jordan stepped into his shoes. “Don’t worry about them. My job is to protect you.”

  “Ah, so you’ve stepped into the role of cop, eh?” Colin frowned. “I assume, then, we’re just here as friends?”

  “That’s not the case at all—well, not all of it. I’m never totally off the job, but I also protect the ones who are important to me.” Jordan folded his arms. “It’s time we had a date back in Cedarwood and stop being a secret.”