"That was two years ago. Why would I mention it now?"
"It's still affecting your relationships," I said. "If you've been holding onto this and feeling bitter or whatever this is, you need to address it or you'll lose everything. My best friend, EX, best friend, I corrected. I was in love with her before I came here but she wouldn't have it and I know, I know she loved me. But she couldn't like…" There was no easy way to explain all that Vic couldn't handle or accept. It was a long list. "Anyway," I said, breezing over it. "Long story short, I can't accept her love now, even if she wanted to give it, not even friend love right now, I can't trust her. She hurt me too much. Pushing me off on other people, being jealous of everyone I talked to or touched. It was abusive and controlling, led me down roads I didn't want to be on, it hurt me and you're doing that to Charli. I can see it. I just didn't know why you were doing it, until now."
"We're not the same," she said, looking away.
"Not entirely but its close," I said. "If you love her you should want her to be happy. Love is supposed to be selfless and kind."
"Is that what you feel like with her?" She asked me.
"That's what I know love to actually be, yes. If Charli wasn't happy with me I wouldn't want her to force us or pretend. I can lust and I can have jealousy but I know that isn't love."
"I love Abby. I know what love is," Lindsey said.
"I'm not trying to preach to you. I'm warning you," I said. "If you don't want Charli in your life keep on doing what you're doing. You're chasing her away."
I pushed the stool out and stood up. If Lindsey wanted to talk she was really bad at expressing that.
"Just, for the record, if I was in love with Abby I wouldn't be so concerned with who Charli was fucking," I went on. "I'd be worried about Abby leaving me for someone smarter and nicer and sexier than me. So… yeah," I said, at a loss for any more relevant words.
"I'm worried about Charli's well being, and that includes being hurt by people. Maybe you should go to her instead of trying to tell me how to be," she said.
"The only reason we are having this conversation is because you keep being a fucking bitch to me and its hurting your friends. Are you going to deal with it or what?"
"Okay, your little intervention is over. You know where the door is," Lindsey snapped.
"Right," I said, annoyed. "Whatever. You're a jerk anyway."
I walked to the door and let myself out. She pissed me off to the point that I wanted to deck her. Too bad I sucked at physically attacking someone.
"Oh, this can't be good," Charli said.
She approached me from the wall she'd been leaning on and hugged me.
"You okay?" She asked.
"Yeah sure," I lied. "I'm sick of her shit though. She's a jerk and I'm sick of pretending it's not happening. Until she stops, I'm not hanging out with her again. Fuck that." This was like the third time in a row she purposefully dragged me in front of her friends like I wasn't fucking there and I never deserved it.
"Until she apologizes, I'm not dealing with her either," Charli said.
"You guys never like… had a thing or anything, right?"
"What?! No, not at all. Why?" She asked.
"She said something weird," I said, rubbing the back of my neck. "Like she liked you and never told you or something."
Charli's mouth formed a silent O and she blinked several times in quick succession.
"I'm sorry, what?" She stepped back and ran her hand through her hair. "That's so weird."
"Is it," I wondered. Would Charli not notice that? My Charli? They always had weird tension. I think she'd notice.
"She never said anything!" She shook her head and shrugged. "I had no idea."
"Uh…. Okay," I said, a little weirded out. "Well… I don't really know what to say," I laughed awkwardly.
"Me either. I need to process this," she said.
"Uh… yeah," I said. "Okay."
What if she liked her? They were best friends and Charli kept telling me Lindsey was different before, a better person.
I let Charli touch me but her reactions were a little fear inducing for me.
"It just makes things different. It has to be part of why she's being like this. She's jealous," Charli said.
"Yea well. I don't like it and I don't want to think about her anymore." I started to walk toward the exit so we could go home. If Charli wanted to spend all night thinking about Lindsey she could do it without me.
I knew she was going to follow me but still. Standing around near Lindsey's door made me uncomfortable so I started to go.
Every time I felt a little secure about us some shit like this would come up.
"Are you mad at me?" She asked.
She was right behind me.
"What? No," I said, a little bothered. Did I really have to explain how confused this made me about us? Lindsey was one of Charli's best friends and I also knew Charli thought she was hot.
"Okay, I'm always afraid I did something I don't realize I've done," she said.
"No," I said, acting calm and walking us into the darkness. It'd do no good for me to speak. I was too annoyed.
We walked quietly toward our building and I hoped it wouldn't get weird.
"I think I'm going to go for a walk," she said.
I stopped. Scared.
"Yeah?" I said, turning to face her. Why? Why did she need to go for a walk? What the hell. "Okay," I said, downing in the sudden ambiguity. Fine Charli. Sure. This is normal. Whatever.
I felt stress. Annoyance. Sadness. And stress.
"I'll um… See you later," I said, turning from her and feeling my heart pound painfully against my chest. Pain developed in my throat. No words were there.
"I just need to slow my brain down," Charli said.
"Yeah," I nodded, pretending to understand. "That's good sweetie. I'll give you time."
I bit my lip and touched her arm awkwardly before walking away.
It's not like I could have kept that news for long about Lindsey. I had to tell Charli. I'd be stupid not to. It would've come out eventually.
I walked to our room and let myself in.
There was an anger inside me I didn't like feeling. Like I'd been tricked or something. Like Charli meant to hurt me but I knew it was wrong.
I changed out of my sweater and into some pj's. Maybe Charli would come back soon. Maybe she wouldn't. All I know is I felt like shit.
I curled up on my bed and groaned into my pillow angrily. Why did she need time to think? What was there even for her to think about?
I didn't want to think about it. It hurt my brain.
I pulled my phone up close to me on the bed and found a video to watch so I didn't have to think about Lindsey or give a shit.
I buried myself in my blankets for good measure. No point in being cold ontop of being rejected. At least the one thing I could help.
The door opened and I heard Charli moving around. I was still upset so I stayed still and continued to watch my video. Wherever her head was at, it had completely lost me and that was a bit too devastating for me to acknowledge.
My blankets rustled and Charli climbed into my bed, curling her body around mine.
"You awake?" She asked.
"Mhmm," I said, staying still and watching my phone. I'd propped it up in the blanket so I didn't have to hold it.
"Sorry, I was so confused by all that and I started to question my entire friendship and then I called Abby and talked to her. I'm pretty sure she just broke up with Lindsey. It just blew my mind that she would say that to you out of nowhere. It doesn't change anything obviously," she babbled.
It was hard to even breathe. "What do mean," I wondered.
Her arms made me feel so safe. Because of the conflict, my stomach hurt.
"I mean I'm still pissed and she's been a jerk. I'm not sure if we are going to be able to have a friendship now," she said.
"Why not," I wondered.
"I don't know. I just don't think sh
e thinks she's done anything wrong," she said.
"Right," I said, still confused. "Are you attracted to her."
"No, I'm really not. She's always been my friend. I've never been into her in a romantic way," she said.
"Yeah but you've also never thought about it. Until now."
"And not for a moment since you told me that has that changed," she assured me.
"So… Why the walk," I wondered.
"I needed to think about how this was going to affect my friendships and if I should talk to Abby about it. I was overwhelmed." She smoothed my hair back away from my face. "Did you think I was into her?"
"I dunno," I lied. "You didn't really give me a reason not to think that…"
"I didn't give you a reason to think it either. I don't have feelings for anyone but you," she said.
I was quiet. That wasn't exactly true. Her reaction definitely led me to think that she might have feelings or something.
"Yeah sure," I said, beaten up. This whole night had been a nightmare for me.
"Do you believe me?" She asked.
"I want to," I said.
"I wouldn't lie to you. Especially about something like this," she said.
“I don’t think you lie,” I said. “We’re just so new and some things in your life aren’t new like that.”
"It doesn't matter that I've known her for years. I've never had those kinds of feelings for her," she said.
"Yeah, I know. You've never had to think of her that way," I said.
"And I still don't now that it's been brought up. I swear," she insisted.
"I'm not trying to rush you into committing to me or something. I want you to feel your feelings and come out the other side. That's fine."
"But I have felt my feelings. We could never be anything other than just friends. She's more like a really annoying sister I want to kill recently," Charli said.
"All I know is, you've been torn up about her changing for as long as I've known you. It's just weird. Not your friendship or anything, just this random confession and how mean to me she is."
"Yeah, probably because I feel like the only people that have been around constantly in my life are Lindsey and Abby. My parents are great but they're so busy with their own stuff. I never saw them even when I lived at home full time. It's like I made a little family here and one of those people is throwing everything off just because I finally found someone. It's hurtful and I feel like even if she's not happy for me she should respect it and you. It bothers me that she's a dick to you. It's like, you want your family to like the person you're with. It's throwing me off that she doesn't see me the same way I see her but that's all," she explained.
"Babe… She made it sound like she didn't tell you before because she didn't want to screw your life up. Like maybe she knew how you felt about needing a second family more than a girlfriend."
"Or she just knew I didn't see her that way, or she was scared. There are lots of possibilities. It doesn't mean I like her. It kind of feels like you don't trust me on this," she said.
"I'm not saying you like her or anything," I tried. It made sense for me to be insecure. How was this any different than me and Vic? If anything, Vic was meaner to me and she put Charli more at ease when comparing herself. I knew nothing about Lindsey before and what they used to be like. For all I know they could've been flirty of something. God, I hate that.
What was I supposed to do? Not have feelings?
I moved a little and pushed Charli's arm to get her to give me some space.
"I'm sorry. I just don't want you to think I'm going to change my mind all of a sudden and have feelings for her," she said.
She took her arm off me and rolled on her back.
I rolled over so I could hold her a little and nuzzle her cheek. "I'm always gonna worry about you finding someone better," I whispered.
"No one is better. You're the best," she said. .
I snuck my hand beneath her shirt and rubbed her tummy. "Why are you so perfect," I wondered. "I know it's wrong to call you that but I feel it. I love you so much."
"I love you too," she said.
She kissed my head and sighed.
"How's Abby," I wondered. "At least Lindsey has a real reason to hate me now."
"Mad and hurt, she didn't know what she was going to do and I told her that she deserves better from Lindsey," she said.
“Well, yeah,” I said, feeling a bit of the pangs. Unrequited love was a terrible sort of nightmare. The kind that tricks you into thinking it’s the best dream right before it slips in and cuts you in two.
Maybe in a year from now things would be way better for everyone. Poor Abby.
Chapter 29
Weeks later, our relationship had become something unnamed but very much exclusive. We were even more constantly together now.
Laura came to my games and practices. I met her between classes. We were that obsessive couple that made everyone sick.
I didn't want to burst the bubble. We were so happy and all over each other. I did wonder sometimes though.
Tonight, I was up late writing a paper that was due the next morning so Laura was in bed. I had headphones on and I was laser focused on what I was doing. I was almost finished. It was a marathon, not a sprint. So, I didn't even notice when Laura got up and came over. She wrapped her arms around me and buried her nose in my neck before kissing it. “I miss you,” she whispered.
I smiled and kept typing until I finished the sentence.
"I'm almost done. Just a few more sentences," I said.
I tilted my head back so I could see her.
"You're so pretty," I said, kissing her cheek.
Her hair was mussed from being in bed and she looked a little sleepy. It made for an enchanting picture.
“Doesn’t seem to help me,” she mumbled.
"What? Oh, I just need to finish this stupid paper," I said.
I turned my desk chair, and she stood until I reached for her and pulled her body till she was sitting on my lap.
“It’s okay. I’m being needy,” she smiled guiltily.
"I like it. It makes me feel needed," I said.
I put my face to her bare upper arm and kissed her skin and then nibbled at her skin.
“Should I be worried that you can ignore me this much?” She asked.
"I’m not ignoring you,” I laughed. “I’m getting my work done and letting you get some sleep.”
“I don’t want to sleep,” she whispered. I felt her arms hugging me now around my shoulders and neck.
"What do you want then?" I asked.
I leaned my head down on her chest and nuzzled her tank top. I absolutely loved when she was all possessive and pouty.
She breathed in shakily. It was the kind of thing that was so sexy it excited me. “I can think of a few things,” she said. “But if you have work and stuff, I get it,” she teased.
"I literally have one paragraph and I'm done, which I can do later," I said.
I really wanted to finish it because I hated leaving things undone but she was so cute and sad. She always won over everything else.
I stood up, lifting her up on my arms. I put her on the bed and then crawled up to lay beside her.
She kissed me and I cupped her cheek with my hand and kissed her back.
“So nice you have time for me now,” she teased.
I rolled my eyes and pushed her back onto the bed.
She thought I was going to kiss her but I stopped just shy of her lips and kissed her neck instead, doing all the things I knew would drive her nuts.
"So evil," she breathed. I wasn't close enough for her to hold, so her hands touched mine.
"Mmhmm," I murmured.
I'd done this so many times over the weeks but it was still fascinating to see what reaction I got from each interaction I had with her skin.
"You're much more fun than work," I admitted.
"Yet, I have to beg for your attention," she said.
"I just have
to do both somehow. Are you really mad that I was working?"
"More that you were unaware of me."
"What do you mean? I was just focusing on the paper. I knew you were here," I said.
"You knew I was here, you just didn't care. Nice," she said, watching me.
"Of course I cared. Should I not do my work while we're both here?" I asked.
"Forget it," she said, trying to drop the topic.
"Am I missing something?" I asked.
"Nope," she said, shaking her head. "Course not."
"Okay, are you mad?" I asked.
I was always worried about that for whatever reason.
"Yeah, sure," she said, adorable as ever.
"Like really mad?" I asked.
"When I'm really mad, I leave," she reminded.
"Right, well then," I said.
I ignored the hesitation in my mind and kissed her again. Her lips found mine and I stole her breath away. I did notice, ever since we broke through our dam, Laura had been obsessively touching me now. Finding every reason to take advantage and be close.
She kissed me deeply which resulted in me breaking the kiss to lay on top of her.
"You taste good," I said.
"Mhmm," she hummed. "Fuck." She liked my body against hers, it always affected her.
"You gonna come to the game tomorrow?" I asked.
Laura breathed heavily and rubbed her cheek against mine. “Should I?” A lot of her movements were animalistic and almost carnal. The way she rubbed separate parts of my body with separate parts of hers. It was hard to stay sane.
“Yes because I plan on scoring at least two goals for you and you know how I feel about that after a game.” I waggled my eyebrows in a suggestive way.
“Shit,” she smirked and shook her head at me. “It’s really not fair that you’re actually really good at everything. Everybody wants you and it’s aggravating.” Her fingertips smoothed through her hair, leading the strands back away from her face. She’d gotten it down again recently, now it was more white and dark grey, unnaturally sexy, hotter somehow, something I didn’t expect would be possible.
Love Like Crazy Page 36
