Love Like Crazy

by Emma Chamberlain

  "Meet you somewhere? Why? Where's Laura?"

  "She's around," I said.

  "Okay. Vague," Vic said. "I know you can't drive anywhere. Should I swing by?"

  "Yeah, meet me where you turn off the highway," I said.

  "Now?"

  "If you're up for it, yeah," I said.

  "I'll be there."

  The line went dead.

  I shoved the phone in my pocket and tracked down my shoes. If I ran I could make it there in five minutes.

  I tied my shoes and went to the door, opening it and making sure no one was in the hallway. It was clear so I walked down to the front entrance.

  The only person around was Nadia and she didn't notice me as I slipped out the front door and took off at a sprint.

  I assumed that Laura went out the back so I figured it was clear. I was still tired but the call with Vic got my adrenaline going.

  I made it to the highway in less time than I even predicted and was left waiting for Vic to show up. It was so dark aside from one streetlight by the turn off for Hanover.

  I could hear birds and animals all around me and I hugged my body when a breeze blew cold air on my hot skin.

  It felt like forever but I finally saw a car slow down and pull over beside me. I walked up and looked in the passenger window. Vic was in the driver's seat so I opened the door and got in.

  "Hi," I said.

  "Hey," she said, not looking at me.

  She drove the car down the road until she got to a more hidden spot where she could park.

  "What's up," she asked.

  She opened her arm rest and pulled out a bottle of beer, she popped the top off and handed it to me before pulling another out and opening it up for herself.

  "I assume your girlfriend knows nothing about this," she clicked her bottle against mine and watched me while she drank some.

  "Nope," I said, letting out a sigh.

  I looked at the beer and then took a long drink. I drained half the bottle.

  "Thanks for doing this. It's stupid but hey, why not," I said.

  "Not sure why you'd want to talk to me," Vic said. "Are you having a fight?"

  "It's not really a fight. She got upset with me but it'll be fine," I said.

  I drank the rest of the beer in another epic swallow.

  "Why did you kiss Laura?" I asked.

  Vic laughed. "Uh. Okay. Wasn't expecting that. Why did I kiss her. Why did I kiss her," she thought. She put her foot up on her seat and faced me. "There's more beer in the back if you want it."

  "Thanks," I said.

  Thinking about that kiss wasn't exactly good for my mental state. I reached back for one of the beers and twisted the cap off to take a drink.

  "I dunno," Vic said. "I dunno why I kissed her. Maybe I thought it's what she wanted from me. I honestly don't know. But I don't regret it." She drank some more.

  "Uh huh, you realize that all I've wanted to do since she told me was punch you, right? Not that you care about hurting people like me."

  "I dunno what the fuck that last sentence means," she said. "But if you want to punch me just do it. I've gone out of my way to not get in deep with you and not fuck with you, out of my respect for Laura, if you really wanna know."

  She drank the rest of her beer and crawled over near me to grab another and open it up. She wasn't scared.

  "Lo likes you. I like Lo. Therefore. Fighting with you is fighting with her. I don't want to fight with her. Despite what you may think. Though, lately, she's done a lot of wanting to fight with me. And I haven't understood it or taken it well."

  "She loves me," I clarified.

  I watched her for a second before taking another drink.

  "She loved you and she wanted you but you were happy to throw her at a guy she didn't really want to be with. She feels like you pulled her in and pushed her away over and over," I said.

  "Don't tell me what Laura feels," Vic said, staring at me. She wasn't mad just stoic.

  "I'm telling you what she told me," I replied.

  "Things she never told me," Vic said. She played with the label on her beer bottle, pulling some of it off. "But I kinda figured it out when she started to fuck people in front of me, so. Whatever. I'm just saying, it's complicated. More complicated than you think. But I'm sure it's easy to turn me into some villain."

  "You kinda make it easy. You gave her a split lip and a bruise. Can you blame me for wanting you as far away from Laura as possible. If she showed up at your door hurt like that and you knew I did it wouldn't you want to pound the shit out of me no matter how it happened. I'm not even putting in the whole you kissed my girlfriend part," I said.

  "If you hurt her we wouldn't be talking about it," Vic warned. "I wasn't expecting a kiss to be met with anger. She's been fucking with me for months. What the hell was I supposed to do, just let her think I didn't give a fuck? She's the only person I've ever cared about and she's hurt me more than anyone. Of course I care."

  I laughed and scoffed at her.

  "You're crazy. Why the hell wouldn't I be pissed about you kissing her? If she was doing anything, it was in response to what you were doing. You're toxic to her. She's better off without you," I said.

  The beer was blocking all those inhibitions that were there before.

  "Has she even told you why she's at Hanover," Vic said.

  "She won't get into specifics," I frowned.

  I hated that she had this over me. I squeezed my hand into a fist to keep myself from hitting her.

  "Yeah. Okay," Vic said. "I thought you wanted to have a conversation but this has obviously devolved into you hurling insults. If you want to fight me, that's fine. I'll even get out of the car and make it easy for you. If it'll make you feel better I'll let you hit me a little. But I can't do this shit," she waved her hand between us. "You have never actually wanted to know me. And it's worked great for you that my life has turned into actual shit. I lost Laura way before I ever met you. Our circumstances have never been simple or easy. Lo doesn’t have your perfect life."

  "You've wanted to fight me from the start. I don't get you. She was right there and you guys weren't just friends. There were feelings there. It drives me crazy that she won't tell me what happened but that's fair. It's her story to tell or keep. I just can't lose her," I babbled.

  She was the only person that knew what it was like to lose Laura. She had to get that at least.

  "If I wanted to fight you I'd be fighting you," Vic said. "And it is her story to keep but all I'm getting from this conversation is that you haven't talked enough yet, with Laura, and you want to blame me for everything. For whatever reason."

  She drank the rest of her beer and dropped the empty bottle into the back.

  "Her parents suck," Vic said. "We went through some shit and there were certain things that. We both could've done better. But it's not my fault that I wasn't ready for her when she was ready for me," Vic said. "And it's crazy to me that you don't understand that I already know I've lost everything. I've pretty much been telling you that every time we meet but you keep rewriting your own narrative in which I'm in a fight with you or some naive high school bullshit. I don't have the luxury of being naive and neither does Laura."

  "The first time I met you, you were physical with her. It's hard for me to see past that and it's not something I feel bad about because that's a logical reaction. We talk a lot but she just hasn't told me that one bit. You've been plenty caustic so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to magically know you're not an asshole," I said.

  "Let me ask you something, honestly. Do you actually think she wants a protector? Like, that she wants you here defending her or some shit? Instead of being with her and making her feel good? Like she needs this? 'Cause I am sure wherever she is right now she's wishing she was with one of us. Probably you."

  "No, I don't think she wants a protector. She doesn't need anyone to do that. Doesn't stop me wanting to prevent people from hurting her and I'm here because I don't get w
hy you do things like kiss other people's girlfriend," I said.

  At that, Vic started to laugh. "Ya know, you're right. That's totally how I think of her," she teased. "That's not my Lo. That's Charli's girlfriend," she posed. "She's been baiting me with these fights, with her anger, even with the way she's been physical with other people in front of me. That one night we had to connect she fucked Logan in front of me. Did she tell you that? You walked right into the middle of this shit. I dunno what she wants. Today I thought she wanted that. Whatever happened. And I'm kinda thinking I'm right about it. But I also think what she wanted might've been to be angry at me in a more rational way. If that makes any sense. Like my kissing her gave her permission to hit me. But whatever. I'm not a fucking psychologist. Why does it matter? She's still with you. She wants you. She'll probably fuck you tonight and get off on it ten times more."

  "What does that even mean? Ten times more than what?" I finished the beer and put the bottle in the cup holder. "And she fucked him in front of you because she felt like your were ignoring her," I said.

  "Believe me, I didn't even have time to ignore her. We got to the party, walked through the house and they were already in the pool. But hey, not sure why I was so hurt. It's not like it hadn't happened before or worse. I'm just dumb."

  "You're not alone. I don't know why she's into me other than I'm nothing like you," I admitted.

  Vic didn't say anything. "This conversation would be a lot better if I could keep drinking," she said.

  "This conversation is bizarre," I said.

  "Not sure what you were expecting."

  "Nothing, honestly. I mostly thought you wouldn't talk to me," I said.

  A vibration in my pocket made me jump and I pulled my phone out to see what it was.

  Laura: I brought food back if you want some.

  Of course, she did something sweet when I was out talking to Vic. I set my phone on my thigh and looked out the windshield.

  "I miss her," Vic said.

  "She's very missable." I looked over at Vic and I knew she was so sad. It cooled my anger a little. "You can still be her friend."

  Even though I'd hate that.

  "Not really. Not right now. She made that clear," Vic said.

  "Then when everything settles," I reasoned.

  "When we're different people," Vic looked up at me with glossy eyes and a smirk, despite the pain.

  "Na, it won't take that. You just can't see it now," I supplied.

  "Too bad I need her more now than I ever did. Funny how it works that way."

  "What's going on?" I asked.

  How the hell did I end up in Vic's car comforting her over Laura? I just wanted to drink more at this point.

  "I lost my only friend," Vic reminded. "And I don't know if she's really okay. I know I'm not. And I can't be with her. That's big. You obviously couldn’t imagine. You should go home Charli."

  "You said more than ever, I just thought…" I gritted my teeth and shook my head. "Never mind. Why do you even care."

  I pushed open the car door and got out. I pushed it too hard and it slammed shut. It wasn't intentional. I sucked at knowing when my emotions got the better of me.

  Vic got out of the car and started to follow me. I thought she was just going to check on her door but then I felt her arms around my waist and my body flying backwards onto the grass.

  "What the actual fuck? Were you really just going to leave like that?" She smiled down on me, amused.

  It was like a flashback to that other day in the street. Vic was ontop of me and stradling me like Laura would. "Not even a kiss?" She teased, tapping her chin with her finger. I felt her hands on mine, moving my hands up her body so fast that I didn't realize what she was doing until both my hands were squeezing her breasts and she was making a mock shock face to fuck with me.

  "What the fuck?!" I pushed her and tried to roll over. "Was it not enough to kiss Laura?" I taunted.

  "Yeah, it wasn't long enough," she teased crudely. "Still wanna hit me?"

  "Fuck you," I growled.

  "Okay fine," she laughed. "I gave you your chance." She got up and let her guard down.

  "You pinned me down. How is that giving me a chance? If I hit you, you win anyway," I said.

  "Aww. Now you understand where I am," she said.

  "Why do you hate me so much?" I asked.

  "Are you kidding?" She asked, surprised. "I just had a twenty minute talk with you explaining how I don't hate you and you're still leaving thinking that?"

  "You just talked about how you're upset about losing Laura. How does that translate to you not hating me?" I asked.

  "Charli!" She yelled, smiling through her frustration. "I tackled you so you could hit me."

  "Which doesn't make any sense!" I yelled back.

  "Ahhh!" She screamed back at me. "Okay fine. Pretend the tackle thing didn't happen. Mixed signals," she said, walking back to her car.

  "Hold on… but… shit," I babbled. "Okay! I get it. Fuck. I'm so not versed in emotions and shit. I just thought you were pissed that I slammed your door," I said.

  I fell to my knees laughing hysterically and then laying back in the dirt and gravel.

  "Why are you people so confusing!"

  "Good night Charli," Vic said. "Oh shit. Do you want more beer? I probably shouldn't keep it in the car."

  "Umm, sure, I'll just live here by the side of the road. Might as well get drunk in the meantime," I snorted.

  "Yeaa, I can never tell if you're joking." She opened her passenger door and pulled what was left of her beer out and left it beside me.

  Then she pat my head like I was a child. "Go inside," she said. "It's cold."

  "She might just kick me out," I joked.

  "Who? Laura? Yeah, I doubt that."

  "Wouldn't blame her," I replied.

  I waved a hand in the air and that's when I felt the pain. I must have been scratched up in the scuffle. I hadn't felt it. Probably a result of alcohol and adrenaline.

  Vic got into her car and turned it on. Her engine revved twice before she drove away.

  Now, I had to decide what to do. I got up, grabbed the beer and started walking towards campus. I picked up pace and started jogging down the road and then cut over through a clearing to meet up with the school driveway.

  That was my mistake. I didn't see the hole in the ground because of the dark and my foot went right in it.

  "Ahh!" I screamed as I went down.

  My ankle twisted and I lost hold of the beer. My check landed on something hard and all I felt was pain for a second.

  I laid there and assessed my situation. My ankle hurt a lot and I knew it was probably about to swell. I felt something on my cheek and put my hand on it, finding blood.

  I pushed myself up and tested my injured ankle with a little weight. Too much. I winced and steadied myself, limping along and stopping to pick up the beer on my way.

  Laura was gonna kill me.

  Chapter 34

  I let some time go by. I knew Charli would be worried if I left for long. She always wanted to chase me when I needed time which made the whole activity of clearing my head and calming down particularly impossible. I love her, obviously, but she can be slow to pick up on the meaning of my words and my actions. I’ve tried to warn her about the reality of this summer several times but she wants me to pretend it's going to be fine and it’s not, not in the way she thinks.

  That girl cannot read me at all. What she really thinks of my thoughts, I can’t say. I wish I knew. The kind of person I am, I’m always exercising patience. Every day. Not because of her but because of everything. I’ve learned to be more patient with people as I’ve gotten older. On the other side of the coin, when I feel her well-intended patience I get excited or I get scared. We’re just different people. It takes some time to understand where she’s coming from. Like before, on the field, her patience was more of a trick to get me to talk than it was an urge to comfort me or make me feel better. Not that it shou
ld all be about me. Of course it shouldn’t. She just wanted to fight something to make herself feel better about what had happened to me. An attack on me was an attack on her.

  I walked around campus and called for takeout in the study hall that was almost always open for us. More like a sparse library or a fancy hotel lobby, the study hall had big comfy leather chairs, large clean couches, and people usually used it to have meetings about parties, meetups before or after an event, or group projects that were going to take awhile. I expect I would’ve lived in the study hall if my roommate had been anyone else. Some girls put their earbuds in and shut everything out: watch Netflix, read books, drink from mugs of coffee or tea and wear their pj’s at all hours.

  I watch them a little and try not to think about how little Charli has listened to me. I try to tell her things, try to ask her things, and she always forgets or mishears me and that isn’t a good thing. It’s made me very sad.

  One of the big mistakes I made was leaving my phone in the room. Charli is probably going to refuse to leave the room until she knows I have my phone. I’ve grounded her.

  All night I’d been so so cold. It’s not supposed to be this cold in Spring. Even Charli’s letterman jacket couldn’t cut the wind. All night with her parents and especially under the bleachers with Vic, I’d been freezing cold.

  The only time I hadn’t been cold was the four or five seconds when Charli enveloped me and needed me while we were alone back in her room.

  She’s so pretty…

  When I’m not sad it’s all I can think about. She’s become so sexy to me and I can’t explain it or control it. I just want her all the time. Even when I’m lost inside like now and wondering what I should think or how I should be. Her perfect face haunts me and takes up my brain.

  I weep silently in one of the big chairs near the giant windows. Thinking about summer is not the way I want to spend my last few days with her. I want to soak us in, soak this place in: our room, the silence, the freedom from my family. I’ve gone from hating Hanover to needing it. I’m still trapped but I’m more free here and it took me a long time to actually see that.